Repression

by Nataya Douglas

  “Please tell me the father is Joe,” she said.

  “Mom! Yes! I’m not a slut. I mean, I understand how this looks but I’ve thought about all of that. I promise, it’s Joes,” swore Lovette. The thought of Mike had crossed her mind and she started to cry all over again. He hadn’t accepted any of her calls since the altercation between the three of them a few weeks ago.

  “Thank God,” whispered Trudy. She had overheard her daughters talking about the breakup with Mike and how Lovette was seeing Joe now. Trudy had loved Joe as if he were her own son. He had come from a wealthy family, was a smart and respectable young man and she knew he had loved her daughter the first time she met Joe. He was everything she had wanted for Lovette.

  Lovette rolled her eyes at her mother’s insensitive comment but said nothing in return. She had handled the situation well and didn’t want to upset her by having a smart remark. Meanwhile, Clarence had stood up and decided to pitch in on the conversation.

  “Your mother is right. We just want the best for you. I can’t act like I’m not slightly disappointed. You’re my baby and I just want you to get the best that life has to offer. Joe is a good guy and I know he will do the right thing,” said Clarence. Hugging is daughter and giving her a smile, he left the bedroom and went back downstairs.

  “Now, we need to make some arrangements. Have you talked to Joe? Does he know? What about his parents? We can have small and intimate wedding with just us and his parents. The whole word doesn’t need to know just yet,” said Trudy. The thought of helping decorate a wedding had excited her.

  Lovette had looked mortified. Marriage?! A WEDDING?! Her head begin to hurt and she sat down on her bed. She hadn’t even thought about these things. She wasn’t even certain that she was even ready to become a mother right now. She liked Joe as a friend and he was always there for her but…she didn’t love him.

  Lovette was still very much in love with Mike and she could only think of how much all of this would hurt him. Even though he hadn’t spoken to her, she knew this would be another thing to make him angry all over again.

  “Mom, wait. This is a lot. We haven’t talked about other options and stuff. Joe is a cool and I like him but I don’t love him. You and dad have always told me that I should marry someone that I’m in love with,” said Lovette.

  “Other options?! What do you mean ‘other options’? What other options are there?! You’re pregnant with my grandchild and it’s going to need a stable environment with BOTH parents around. I HOPE you aren’t talking about adoption because there’s no way in Hades someone else is going to be raising my flesh and blood!”

  “The damage is done and we are going to spin this in a positive way. Joe is a good young man who will grow to be a great man…and he loves you. You may not be in love with him now but you care about him and you can grow to love him,” replied Trudy.

  Lovette was stuck on her mother’s words. Never in a million years did she think she would marry Joe or even raise a family with him. It had been Mike she wanted these things with. For a moment, she thought about going back on her words and telling her parents that Mike was the father. She had desperately wanted him to be the one she would raise this child with but she knew that he wasn’t. Changing her mind back, she said nothing and just wept.

  “Honey, everything is going to be alright. We’ll handle all of the arrangements and we can go over to talk with the Marks tomorrow or within the next few days. They need to know as soon as possible, okay?”

  Kissing her daughter on the forehead and giving her another hug, Trudy continued. “Get some rest. I’ll bring you up some soup and crackers. It should help ease your stomach. You have to eat a little more now. It’s not just about you anymore. Feed my grandbaby, child.”

  *******************************************************************************

  “Hello, Mrs. O’Conner. How have you been?” said Lovette with a bit of hesitation. She hadn’t called Mike in over a week because his mother had nicely told her that he didn’t want to hear from her. Mike’s mother really liked Lovette and was a bit disappointed to learn that the two of them had broken up. Mike didn’t tell her all of the details but he had been torn up about it.

  “Hey, honey. I’m doing as best as I can…considering, ya know. Things get tough here and there but I’m still here. How about you?” she replied.

  Trying her best to talk as low as possible on the phone with her, Mike had been home and she didn’t want him to have any clue that it had been Lovette calling. For a moment, she just knew Lovette was going to start begging to speak with Mike and she began to regret talking to her.

  “I’m okay. I know Mike doesn’t want to hear from me but…this is pretty urgent. I’m not calling to get back with him or make him upset. I just need to tell him something really quick,” pleaded Lovette.

  The long pause that followed had made her feel like Mrs. O’Conner had hung up on her until she had heard whispering in the background. Just when Lovette had given up hope with speaking to Mike, a voice came back on the line.

  “What do you want?” said Mike angrily. He had specifically asked his mother to tell her that he didn’t want to talk to her. He thought Lovette got the clue when the calls had stopped. Although he did miss her, he couldn’t bring himself to forgive how she betrayed him before even knowing the truth.

  “Mike, I know you probably hate my guts and I understand you don’t want to talk but there’s something I think you should know…something you should hear from me,” said Lovette. She had started to feel the tears form in her eyes because of how hard starting the conversation had been. This would only make Mike hate her even more.

  “Lovette, whatever it is, just say it. I’m kind of busy right now,” lied Mike. He had been laying around the house doing absolutely nothing. The thought of running into Lovette had forced him to stay inside for a while. He couldn’t handle seeing her just yet.

  “I’m pregnant,” whispered Lovette. She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Covering her mouth while silently crying and refusing to make any noise, she waited for what Mike had to say. This had been more nerve-racking than when she had to tell her parents.

  “Mike, did you hear what I said?”

  “Look, everything is confusing right now but I plan to do the right thing. You won’t be in this alone. I’ll do what I have to do and be there for you.” Taking a deep breath in and letting out a heavy sigh, he continued.

  “Have you told your parents yet? I know they don’t too much like me but we can tell them together. I don’t want you having to go through that alone.”

  Letting the phone drop to the floor, Lovette didn’t realize Mike would think he was the father. He had known she slept with Joe but he hadn’t questioned who the father was. Getting dizzier by the second, she could feel vomit threatening to come up. Taking a deep breath and forcing it back down, she picked up the phone.

  “Hello? Hello? Love? You there? What happened? Everything okay?” inquired Mike. Hearing the phone drop and silence had him worried until he heard Lovette’s voice again.

  “Yes, I’m here. Mike…you aren’t the father. It’s Joe’s,” she confessed. She felt even worse that she had to mention his name. Feeling empty inside and worthless, Lovette couldn’t control her crying. She had messed up bad and now fully realized the damage she had done. Even if Mike really didn’t cheat on her, seeking revenge had been on her mind and now, she was in an even bigger mess.

  “Wait…JOE?! Are you kidding me?!” yelled Mike. He was even more furious than when he found out they had slept together. Now, she had been carrying his child. Even though he was angry with Lovette, he still held on a small piece of hope that one day they would fix things.

  Mike was hurt by her actions but a part of him felt like she would come to her senses and that they could eventually make things right. Delivering her news, reconciliation was no longer an option for him.

  “Mike, I know I messed up and I know how this looks but I just wa
nted to be one to let you know. People talk and I just didn’t want you to find out from anyone else.” She was just as torn as he had been. Her mother had forbidden her from adoption and termination. There was no other choice for her but to prepare to become a mother.

  “…and all of this started because of stupid Stephanie! You just had to go sleep with him because you thought I cheated! I’ve never lied to you and I’ve always been honest with you even when I felt like your feelings just might get hurt. Joe has been planning to get with you since day one and you convinced me that it was all in my head! I believed you when you needed me to but you couldn’t do the same for me.”

  “You never deserved me. You judged me before we even started dating and when I proved you wrong, you still showed me just how much you didn’t trust my honesty. Do me a favor and don’t call back here ever again. I swear, Lovette. I mean it.”

  Before she could respond, Mike had hung up the phone and ripped it out of the wall. His mother had been in her bedroom listening in on the other end of the phone the entire time; she was holding her hand over the mouthpiece to silence any unforeseen background noises.

  Mike’s emotional wellbeing had been up and down for the past week and she knew that this would do even more damage. He had been experiencing his real first teenage heartbreak.

  Finding out all of this had made her instantly dislike Lovette. She was nothing like what she had thought. Her son wasn’t perfect but he had grown to be a great young man. He deserved better than what she had given him.

  Since Mike wasn’t the father of Lovette’s child, this was on the brighter side of things. He had a bright future with possibly becoming a professional basketball player and this could’ve ruined it. Now, she had been glad Mike was rid of her and could go on with his life.

  *******************************************************************************

  Trudy had taken Lovette to the doctor and had confirmed that she was indeed pregnant. The at home test told her she was pregnant but she had hoped and prayed that the test was giving a false positive; she prayed the doctor would tell her the complete opposite. This alone made her even more depressed.

  But, Dr. Gore hadn’t. Her gut told her that her plans would never be accomplished. Trudy had already told her that she wouldn’t be able attend college in the fall because “there was no way she was taking her grandchild to another state.”

  The ride home from the office visit had been a silent one. Trudy was quiet because of all of the wedding ideas spinning in her head and Lovette had been quiet because of the plan she had set in stone as soon as she entered the house.

  “Don’t look so sad. Everything is going to be okay. Go on up and wash up. I’ll start dinner and you can help me if you’re up to it,” said Trudy. Getting out of the car, both of them entered the house and went their separate ways.

  As soon as Lovette knew her mother was preoccupied in the kitchen, she headed upstairs and towards the back of the hallway. Standing with her back against the wall beside her parent’s bedroom, she took a deep breath and took off as fast as she could charging at the stairwell.

  As soon as she got to the top step, her body came crashing down hitting her head on the vanity. Running and jumping had been the last thing she remembered when she had regained consciousness in the hospital.

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  As soon as she had opened her eyes, Joseph had been the first person she had seen. Her mouth had felt dry and she had desperately needed a drink of water. He was sleeping in the chair beside her bed and her mother had been lying down on the couch on the opposite side of the room.

  “You’re up! Nurse! She’s up! Thank God! Honey, you had us worried sick taking an ugly fall like that,” cried Trudy. She had been a total mess when she heard the noise and found Lovette knocked out on the staircase. Her head had been pressed up against the wooden leg and there seemed to have been blood everywhere. Since her daughter was now awake, she cried even harder. For a moment, she thought she had lost her.

  “Mom, why is Joe here?” mumbled Lovette. He had still been in a deep sleep and hadn’t budged even through all of her mother’s yelling. As soon as she had asked this, two nurses entered the room and started examining her.

  “I’m okay. Just stop…give me a minute please?” asked Lovette to both of the nurses. They both had been hesitant to leave the room before examining her but Lovette had refused to let them touch her. Leaving out and closing the door, one of the nurses told her that they would be back in 10 minutes to check on her.

  “Lovette, you didn’t have to be that rude. And, what do you mean why is he here?! He’s the father of your child for crying out loud. Speaking of father of your child. Why would you lie to us and say that you told Joe and his parents?! Do you know how humiliating it was for me to have to call them today and explain all of this?!” said Trudy. She had given Lovette time to tell Joseph and her family but instead, Lovette had lied and told her that they had known.

  “Because I wasn’t ready! You keep rushing me to make decisions when I don’t even know how I feel about things yet! THIS ISN’T YOUR BODY AND THIS ISN’T YOUR LIFE!” shouted Lovette. She had finally reached her breaking point. Her mother had already decided things for her but hadn’t once asked her how she felt or what she wanted to do about anything. Every morning, Trudy was at her door with new and overwhelming ideas about the baby, her future, Joe, the wedding…just everything.

  “First of all, you better watch your tone. You might be considered an adult now but you’re still MY child. You understand me? Second, I’m your mother and I’m supposed to always look out for what’s in your best interest. Did I get angry with you when you told us you were pregnant? NO! I told you it would be okay and that we would figure all of this out together. You can always tell me how you feel,” replied Trudy.

  Joseph sat up in his chair and waited for the two of them to finish their argument before he said anything. He hadn’t been at the hospital that long before he fell asleep but had been up all night hanging out with friends. Lovette noticed he had woken up and felt embarrassed that he had to find out about the pregnancy this way.

  “Now, I’ll give the both of you some time alone so you can REALLY talk this time. Oh, and the doctors said the baby is just fine. They want to keep you overnight just to make sure you’re okay,” said her mother. “I’m headed to the cafeteria. Do either of you want anything?”

  Hearing the news about the baby had made Lovette dizzy. Her whole body had been in pain from the fall and she just knew that the baby wouldn’t make it through. This had been her only option to free herself from what she knew she didn’t need at the time.

  Feeling overwhelmed, she shook her head no to her mother’s question. As soon as she had exited the room, Lovette cried so hard that her body began to ache even more.

  “Lovette, what’s wrong?” asked Joseph. He had found out that he was going to be a father and his unborn child’s life could possibly a risk all in the same sentence. His feelings had been up and down until he had finally reached the hospital. When they had gotten the news that the baby was fine, he felt a sense of relief but was still concerned because Lovette had still been unconscious.

  “I didn’t want you to find out this way. I wanted to be the one to tell you,” lied Lovette. She hadn’t had any intentions on telling him. She had regretted telling Mike the other day and wish she would’ve waited until after she had executed her plan.

  Now, none of that mattered. She was still pregnant. Figuring the pregnancy would miscarry after the fall, she had hoped Mike would at least talk to her and they could eventually get back to where they used to be. This wouldn’t happen now.

  “I understand. It’s not something that’s easy to tell someone but you do know that I’m here for you, right? I always will be and I’m not going anywhere,” said Joseph.

  He had meant every word of it, too. He had been deeply in love with her and had always fel
t like he would never get a chance with a girl like her…until now.

  Hearing how he felt had actually made her feel a little better. She had heard of stories when females get pregnant and how the male abandons them with a child. Lovette knew that she didn’t want to be one of those stories. Even though Joe wasn’t the person she wanted to have a child with, knowing that he was going to be supportive comforted her a little.

  Chapter 12: Mary

  April 9, 2001

  “If everyone could pass their homework assignments from last night to the front of the classroom, please. Did anyone have any difficulties they’d like to discuss? If so, we can talk about them now or we can meet after the final bell if you need extra help. I’ll be after school for about an hour and a half,” said Mrs. Blotney.

  “You should stay after school to explain to Scary Mary how her sister is dead. I’m sick of her whispering to herself!” shouted out Brennen. The whole class laughed as if what he were saying was true. He had always said weird things to other kids but this was it. He wouldn’t be shouting out another word after today.

  “Brennen! That was unnecessary and just mean. Now, apologize and go straight to the front office,” Mrs. Blotney said sternly. Although this had made me feel a little better, I was still going to say what I had on my mind.

  “It’s okay, Mrs. Blotney. Brennen, I wouldn’t be so quick to flap those rotten gums of yours. While you’re worried about me and my sister, you should be worried about why you’re two years older than everyone in here. You’re an idiot and both of your parents are idiots for giving birth to an idiot. Your mom should’ve swallowed you instead.”

  I had heard this from Joey and his friends. I had an idea what it meant but wasn’t entirely too sure. When Joey’s friend, Jaxon, said it, everyone started laughing and that’s exactly what the whole class did when I had used it.