Repression

by Nataya Douglas

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  August 1, 1998

  “I’ll be back. I just have to run by the office and pick up some stuff. Go ahead and head up to bed without me,” said Joseph. He had hugged his wife and headed out. He didn’t like having to lie to her but this was the only way he could protect what had belonged to him: Lovette.

  Pulling off of the dirt road, this time he wouldn’t walk. He hadn’t been in the mood to travel on foot. Driving towards the building in the grass, he was tired of doing this. He was tired of lying and sneaking around. But, it had to be done. When the time was right, this would all be over and done with. He needed to get in and out before anyone saw his vehicle going in or out.

  Just as he had gotten done inside the building and was headed back to his car, he caught a glimpse of a figure walking across the grass. Ducking down behind his car, Joseph prayed that he had been undetected. It had been dark outside and hopefully, the person didn’t see him on the porch.

  But, there was also a random car sitting next to a random shed. He would get rid of his car tonight and have a new one by tomorrow afternoon.

  “Dad, is that you?!” shouted the shadow. It had been Joey.

  He had no choice but to get up and muster up an explanation for his son. Dusting the dirt off of his pantsuit, Joseph got up and walked around to the other side of the car. Joey had already walked up.

  “Joey, what are you doing out here this late?! We thought you were upstairs getting ready for bed. And why are you walking through this field?” questioned Joseph. Instead, he had decided to drill his son about his whereabouts instead of talking about why he was out at the shed this late in the day.

  “Sorry, pop. I was headed back from Jaxon’s house. I had left my backpack over there earlier,” replied Joey.

  “What’s going on? Why are you at this old shed?” Joseph’s plan hadn’t worked. He thought his son would be too scared about being caught to even think about why he had been there.

  “Don’t worry about it. Get in the car,” demanded Joseph. There would be no need to get rid of his car. He knew his son would keep things to himself.

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  “Did you hear me, dad?” said Joey. His father had spaced out in his thoughts for a moment and had gotten quiet. Ever since the day Joey caught him at the abandoned shed, he had regretted using his car instead of walking from the dirt road as usual. Joey would’ve never found out and nothing would be compromised.

  “Yea…no. I’m sorry. What did you say?” replied Joseph. He had been so caught up in thinking about the past that he hadn’t heard a word his son said.

  “I said I’ve been going but please don’t be mad at me. I haven’t told mom anything. I just go to…,” stammered Joey.

  Joseph was angry inside but he had to always remember that Joey had a special condition. He had lashed out once before and he didn’t want to make the mistake of doing it again. His son had improved with his behavior tremendously and Joseph didn’t want to be the reason his son would stop making progress. Taking a deep breath, he replied.

  “Why did you go back?”

  “Well, I was just curious, I guess. The last time I went, the lock had been changed. Did you do that?” sad Joey. He began to get angry as well but he didn’t want his father to see it. This would only cause them to clash over the topic and he wanted his father to trust him with this.

  “Yes, I changed it. I figured you would have at least gone back there once. Remember the talk we had the night you saw me there?” asked Joseph. Joey nodded his head in acknowledgement.

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  August 1, 1998

  “Are you mad at me for seeing you there?” asked Joey. His dad hadn’t said a word during the car ride back home. Joseph appeared to be in deep thought and had even forgot his son was in the car until he spoke. He knew he would have to tell his son the truth…or at least some of the truth.

  “No, but I didn’t want you to find out this way and this soon. You’re growing into being a young man but you’re still a child. Sometimes, I still wish you were a small child. Things were a lot easier back then. We could protect you more. Now, you’re a teenager. You need a little space and privacy. That’s still kind of hard for me to accept,” said Joseph. He had started to rant about missing the past and almost forgot what the initial topic was.

  “I’m not mad. You were going to get your backpack but you still should’ve let someone know. Your mom could’ve driven you over there or you could’ve called Jaxon to let him know you’d stop by tomorrow to get it. It’s late and things happen at this time. Bad things happen around this time,” continued Joseph.

  “Anyway, do you remember my coworker, Will?” asked Joseph. Joey nodded his head and his father continued talking. “Well, we have a very important business. A business that most people shouldn’t know about.”

  “The business has been in the family for some time now. You know that. But, I plan to be the one to step away from it very soon. I want to do other things in life. Always remember to be your own man. Don’t ever feel the need to follow behind me or anyone else because you think that’s what they want you to do. You’re a smart young man and whatever you choose to do, I know you’ll be great at it,” said Joseph.

  “Me and Will have rules to our business and its time you know them. I need you to always remember them, okay? The business is run by the men in our family and close friends we can trust. I’m trusting you, son. This is a part of being a man; being trusted with valuable information that not too many people know about.”

  Joseph was nervous and even thought about backing out of the topic but he had dug himself deep at this point. His son knew about the shed and he wanted to test his loyalty.

  Joey had been confused. He begin to think his father must be a drug dealer. He had heard about drug dealers all over the world and what kind of lifestyle they lived. His parents owned a big house and a nice car but he would’ve never thought they sold drugs. To him, their possessions hadn’t been “drug dealer type of nice”.

  “Dad, I promise not to say anything. Is it drugs?” blurted out Joey. Joseph had smirked at his son’s guess. He was a smart kid and although it did sound like he sold drugs, Joseph shook his head.

  “No. We don’t sell drugs,” replied Joseph.

  Joey was proud that his father wasn’t a drug dealer. He knew that most drug dealers would get caught and end up in jail; something he didn’t want to happen to his father.

  Also, he knew the things drugs did to people’s bodies and he had hoped his father didn’t have a part in contributing to this. So, to him, whatever his father was doing couldn’t be worse than selling drugs and knew he’d definitely keep his secret.

  “There are certain rules to our business. The first one is: the citizens in this county are off limits. Majority of us have grown up together and our children play together. We wouldn’t want anyone involved here. The second rule piggy backs off of the first one: family members are to be kept separate.”

  “You’re a growing boy and I know you have urges, but I need you to stay away from dating girls of people I work with. Fortunately, I only work with 4 other people in Shawford, whom you’ve met and you know who their daughters are. Just stay away, okay?”

  Joey nodded. He felt a great sense of proudness because his father had trusted him with some details of the business he ran. He knew no matter what, he would keep his father’s secret safe. Plus, Joey had thought that the men his father worked with all had unattractive daughters, so not dating them would be a piece of cake.

  “The last rule is: no matter what you see and hear, you aren’t allowed to repeat to anyone or anywhere. If you need to talk to me, ask and we can go somewhere private. My business doesn’t concern your friends, girlfriends, sisters, grandparents or anyone else. I’m the only one yo
u’re allowed to talk to about anything. Not even your mother.”

  “I love you from the depths of my soul but right beside that same love lies a pit of anger that would be released if you ever broke any of these rules. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you but I need you to understand how serious this is. I can’t have you unleash that,” said Joseph.

  Joey had never seen his father become angry before and he felt that since he wouldn’t break any of the rules, there would be no need for him to ever get mad. There wouldn’t be a soul that Joey would tell about any of his father’s information.

  “Oh and son? Your mother knows about the business but she doesn’t know about the shed. I need you to keep that between the both of us. I want to be the one to tell her. She needs to hear it from me,” said Joseph. The whole ride home, this had been his main concern.

  This had been the only thing that made Joey feel. He wasn’t a good liar and Lovette could always detect when he wasn’t telling the truth. But, he would still keep his father’s secret to himself and avoid his mother if she ever questioned him. As soon as they had pulled up to the house, it were as if Joseph had read his son’s mind.

  “I won’t tell her. I promise,” replied Joey.

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  “Dad, I’m sorry but it’s just a lot that I’m confused about. I know I should’ve come to you first and asked you but you’re always busy and well, sometimes I feel like you don’t have much time for me…much time for us,” said Joey.

  Joey had loved his father and Joseph was his hero. He had made sure him, his mother and siblings had gotten everything they asked for. But, he had wished that Joseph had been around more to do things with him.

  “And for that, I’m apologetic. I know I work a lot but I promise it’s for a good cause. When this is over with, there’ll be more time for us to hang out and do stuff. I don’t want you feeling like I don’t care to spend time with you because I really do. You kids and your mother mean the most to me and I want you all to be happy,” replied Joseph.

  “As far as the dream goes, maybe you’ve had this nightmare because you know no one is supposed to know about it. I know Mary can annoy you sometimes and I think that’s why she was the one in the dream. Don’t worry about it. As long as you keep everything between us and stop going there, everything will be fine. And, I mean it,” he continued.

  “I know you mean well but you don’t want to mess up the plans that are in store. You going there could jeopardize a lot. That’s why I had the lock changed. Promise me that you’re done going there.” Joseph gave his son a stern look until he spoke.”

  Taking a deep breath in and ejecting a long sigh, Joey replied. “I promise.” This time, he had meant it. He had trusted his father and didn’t want anything bad to come of his actions. The shed would be on his mind daily but Joseph had expressed how important this was and Joey didn’t want to disappoint his father.

  “Good. Let’s go back in the house. I know your mother is upstairs wondering why you only wanted to talk to me,” laughed Joseph. “You know you’re her number one baby and it’s probably driving her up the wall. Listen, we’ll just tell her you wanted to have a talk about your man parts, okay?”

  Both of them laughed and walked back towards the house. Kissing his son at the top of his head, Joseph needed to remind him that he was his number one baby as well…no matter how old he got.

  Chapter 11: Falling for you.

  July 23, 1982

  “I found this in the bathroom trash. Either we are going to be big sisters or you have some explaining to do,” whispered Iris.

  Lovette had done a poor job of covering the test up with toilet tissue. But, it was only a matter of time before her sister had figured things out anyway. Iris had always noticed little yet important things that many kids her age didn’t notice. Sometimes, Lovette felt like they had been closer in age due to how mature Iris had been.

  “Look, I’m going to tell them soon. Just don’t say anything. I just found out myself and I’m scared as shit,” replied Lovette. Iris could hear the fear in her voice. She hadn’t planned on ratting Lovette out. Iris had never done it before and today wouldn’t be the day that she would start.

  “I KNEW something was different! You’ve been a little pudgy around the waist,” said Iris while busting out laughing. Getting up from Lovette’s bed, she pinched her sister’s love handles and laughed even harder.

  “Oh, plus, mom and dad didn’t know how disgusted you were when you smelled the pot roast last night!” Iris had been tickled to death while Lovette sat there taking it all in.

  “Okay, enough of the jokes. I don’t know what I’m going to do. We’re supposed to be starting college soon and I just don’t know,” Lovette had been scared out of her mind to tell her parents that she was pregnant. She already knew how they would react…especially her mother. As soon as the thought of what she would say or do came to mind, their mother pushed up Lovette’s bedroom door.

  “Dinner is ready. What’s wrong, honey? You don’t look like you’re feeling well,” asked her mother. She was staring at Lovette with genuine concern.

  “I’m just hungry. That’s all,” lied Lovette. In fact, it was the complete opposite. She had started to smell the aroma from the kitchen and couldn’t handle the thought of eating fried chicken for dinner. The smell of the burning cooking oil had begun to make her nauseas and before she could swallow the vomit, she gagged and it spilled onto her brand new silver sandals.

  “Oh, my Lord! Lovette! Honey?! Iris, go get her a cold washcloth and a water bottle!” hollered Trudy.

  Pushing past her mother and slamming the bathroom door shut, Lovette finished dry heaving over the toilet bowl. She hadn’t eaten today and the bile had tasted like poison every time it pushed through her throat and shot out of her mouth. Knocking on the bathroom door, Trudy was frantic.

  “Lovette, open the door! Do I need to call the doctor?! What’s wrong? CLARENCE! Get up here and help me!” she shouted.

  “Mom! I’m fine. Just go away for a second. I think it’s a stomach bug. Don’t call the doctor, please. It’s not that serious. I feel better already,” yelled Lovette through the closed door. Trudy had continued fussing and banging until Lovette had worked up the strength to open the door. “See, I told you I’m fine,” she replied tiredly. Her father had just made his way upstairs and was sweating from having to run up them so quickly. He was a heavy set man who didn’t exercise at all, so this better had been a good reason why he had to rush up the steps.

  Lovette instantly felt the need to tell them and get it over with. Iris had been sitting in the chair in the corner and hadn’t reacted to the situation. She felt the same way Lovette had; there mother was going to lose her mind once she found out she was going to be a grandmother. Everyone had been in her bedroom and Lovette didn’t feel like delaying the conversation any longer.

  “Well, no…I’m not fine. Mom…dad? Can we talk?” said Lovette. Her hands had been shaking and her palms were sweating profusely. Every time she wiped them on her jeans, within seconds they were wet again.

  “Lovette, tell us what’s going on,” said Trudy. The look on her mother’s face put her at ease for a second until she remembered what she was about to tell them. She knew her mother would instantly turn into a tornado and everything would go downhill from there. Her father normally didn’t react until he saw how his wife felt about things first. He didn’t have much of a backbone.

  “I don’t know how else to say this but to just say it. I’m p…p…pr…pregnant,” stuttered Lovette. Relief had escaped her body because she no longer had to hold the secret in but she instantly felt scared due to how her mother was about to react. The room was filled with loud silence. Trudy had turned towards Iris and she knew that was her cue to leave the room.

  “Before you both say anything, I know how upset you are. I know how disappointed you both are in me. I also know that I’ve hurt both of y
ou with my actions. I didn’t do this on purpose and I didn’t expect for it to happen. I didn’t want this to happen…at least nowhere near this soon. I’m really sorry if I let you down…I really am,” cried Lovette. She hadn’t expected to say these words to them; they had just come out of nowhere.

  “Come here,” whispered Trudy. Lovette stopped crying and looked at her mother with suspicion. She had already hit her once and Trudy had apologized for doing that but she didn’t want a repeat of what happened a few months ago.

  “I said come here,” repeated her mother. Walking towards her, Trudy opened her arms as if she wanted a hug. Confused with her actions, Lovette allowed her mother to wrap her arms around her body.

  “You’ve been a really good daughter to me and for that, I thank you. You’ve hardly ever been in trouble and you’ve always done well in school. People make mistakes. You’re human; you’re going to make mistakes. This doesn’t make me love you any less or change how great of a person I know you are. Am I shocked? Well, definitely. You’ve made so many plans for yourself and while they can still happen, it’s just going to either take a little longer or just be a bigger challenge.”

  Clarence had been sitting on his daughter’s bed in complete shock. He hadn’t said a word yet and let his wife do all of the talking. The only thing he could think of was a little boy running up to him and calling him “pawpaw”. Smiling to himself, the thought warmed his heart. He had been the only man in the house and had desperately wanted a son. When Trudy had given birth to Iris, she had been adamant on not wanting any more children.

  Lovette had been blindsided by her mother’s kindness. She hadn’t even thought about the option of her parents accepting that she was pregnant and unmarried at 18 years old. They had loved her without a doubt and also wanted the best for her but she just knew in her gut that they weren’t going to handle it the way they just did. As soon as the question entered her mind, Trudy pulled away from Lovette’s embrace.