The slam of the house’s side door had cut the conversation short. Jumping up from the bed and rushing to put their clothes on, Mike knew he was a dead man. His girlfriend was one of the sweetest people ever but she didn’t play. He knew she was about to come in the room swinging like Mike Tyson any minute now.
There was no point in hiding or denying. He had been guilty and was ready to face whatever consequences that came his way. They both had finally gotten fully clothed and had waited for her to enter. When it felt as if an eternity had passed, Mike peeped his head out of the door anticipating a blow.
When nothing came, he had been confused. He and Lovette had clearly heard the same sound of the door slamming and it sounded as if no one was in the house. Deciding it was best that she left, both of them quietly walked to the front door.
“Lovette, tell your husband to get that taillight fixed for you. You shouldn’t be driving around with that thing busted out like that,” said Mr. O’Conner casually. Both of them turned around to see him standing in the kitchen with a beer in his hand as if seeming them together had been no big deal.
“Yes, sir. I’m uh…well, you have a good night,” stammered Lovette. She and Mike both turned around and walked out the front door leaving the awkward moment behind.
“Why was your dad so calm about that? Your mother would’ve flipped her shit had she seen me leaving your bedroom just now,” said Lovette. Mr. O’Conner’s calmness made her feel a bit uneasy and she had wondered if it was low key threat to tell her husband that she had just cheated on him.
“I’ve never cheated on Monica before and well, he owes me one. The man isn’t as faithful as everyone thinks. Plus, he keeps telling me that I’m single until I’m married,” replied Mike.
“To say ‘I’ll call you’ would be cliché and insensitive. Plus, I don’t have your number anddd your girlfriend would attempt to kill me. Home girl tried to attack me in the store,” laughed Lovette.
The silence between them had appeared and even though Lovette knew what they had done was wrong, she didn’t regret it. Mike, on the other hand, did feel regret. Noticing the serious look on his face, Lovette removed the smile from hers.
“I didn’t mean to make you upset or anything. Hey, look. We both knew what we were doing in there. It happened and I don’t feel bad about it. I get why you would feel bad but I don’t. Joseph did one of the worst things ever and I just can’t see myself feeling bad right now,” said Lovette.
“I didn’t come over here with intentions on doing any of this. I just wanted to speak my peace and it just happened. We don’t have to see one another anymore and Monica doesn’t have to know,” she continued.
Initiating this agreement to him had hurt her own feelings. Of course, she didn’t want to be the reason why anyone’s relationship failed but what she and Mike had, it was different.
Before Monica had tried to attack her in the grocery store, Lovette would’ve been more sensitive to the thought of her being cheated on. Since she had been rude to Lovette, majority of her conscience didn’t care about Monica at the moment.
“Can I be extremely transparent right now?” asked Mike. This question alone made Lovette anxious. She wasn’t ready for the rejection he was about to throw at her but she had no other choice. Nodding her head, he continued.
“I’m a bit upset at myself for betraying Monica. She’s been there for me through some tough times and she’s a good girl. She doesn’t deserve what I just did to her. But, what also happened in there made me feel more alive than I have felt in a long time. I’ve thought about you just about every single day. Wondering if Joseph was treating you right and if you were genuinely happy with him. I managed to push my feelings for you aside throughout the years as much as I could.”
“When we were in the grocery store, I held Monica back only to protect you. I knew that if she laid a hand on you, I would’ve been angry with her instead. That probably would’ve made me want to end things with her. I love still love you, Love. And, I can’t help that,” finished Mike.
Lovette had thought he was about to dismiss her after what they had just done and go back to just being with Monica as if nothing ever happened. She didn’t think he would say everything that he just had and even though she had Joseph at home, in her mind, she had Mike at the moment.
“You don’t have to say anything in response to that. Especially now and after what just happened. We can revisit this another time because, Love? This?” said Mike pointing from himself and then pointing at Lovette. “This right here isn’t done. You know it and I know it.”
The last comment had made her want him all over again. If Mike’s father hadn’t been home, she would’ve found the strength to drag him back in the house for another round. Leaving him standing there, she got in her car and headed home. Mike watched her car until he could no longer see it.
Lovette had been too busy replaying the night’s events over and over in her head that she didn’t realize that she had been home. She could’ve gone straight through red lights and stop signs for all she knew because the drive from Mike to home was a complete blur. Now, she had to face her husband. Well, he had to face her too.
All of the lights in the house were off except for the family room and Joseph’s office. Lovette knew he had been in either one waiting for her to come home. It was almost one o’clock in the morning and this was the latest she had ever been out. Especially being out and Joseph not knowing where she was.
Taking a deep breath and stepping in the house, Joseph was in his pajamas on the couch and snoring. Lovette had decided that he was going to stay there for the night. She would sneak upstairs to check on Joey, take a shower and go straight to bed.
As soon as she stepped out of the shower, Joseph was sitting on the bed with a pitiful look on his face. The exact same look he had when she left earlier. Ignoring his presence, she walked around him to the other side of the bed and opened her dresser to retrieve her nightclothes.
“Lovette, we need to talk about this. I know how it looks and I’m so sorry for even starting this mess. I can’t take it back and if I could, I would. It wasn’t the right way to go about letting you know how I felt about you. It was stupid and foolish of me to do. I’ll apologize a million times if I need to. Whatever you need me to do and whatever you want from me is yours. Just don’t give up on me because of this,” he pleaded.
A part of her had felt bad for him. Their whole friendship and marriage, he had treated her amazing. He put her on a pedestal the first time he laid eyes on her and she had remained there. There was nothing she could do to make him feel otherwise. Even if that meant her leaving.
Lovette said nothing and continued to apply her lotion and slipping into her night gown. She had taken in every word he said. Her hands began to sting again from the lotion over her cuts and reminded her of just why she had been angry. Joseph had crossed the line.
Sitting on the opposite corner of the bed, she stared at the side of his head. His head was hanging so low that it looked as if it would drop down in his lap at any second. Joseph felt Lovette staring at him but couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eyes.
“What you did was fucked up on so many levels? I would NEVER do that to someone. No matter how much I cared for them or loved them; I could never lie to get someone. That’s exactly what you did to me. You know exactly how I felt about us in the beginning and not once did that make you feel bad…not once did it make you feel guilty. You had Maddy…” said Lovette.
“Maddy?! You think I cared about that girl at all?! She was nothing compared to you. I only started dating her thinking you would see how good of a boyfriend I could be and want the same treatment in return. I took the first chance I got with you because that’s how bad I wanted you. I’ve never cheated on you or even thought about it,” said Joseph. He tried his hardest to say it with the least amount of anger but just hearing Maddy’s name upset him for a reason he wasn’t sure of.
“Don’t get an attitude w
ith me because you got caught in a lie. This whole marriage is based off of a lie!” shouted Lovette. The anger she had started to feel again was directed towards the love she had grown for Joseph. Her mother had told her that everything would work itself out and somehow, it had. To know that Joseph started the whole thing from being grimy had hurt her.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that no one compares to you. I wanted you for myself and I didn’t go about it the right way,” said Joseph while lowering his tone. Sliding closer to her, he continued. “Just don’t throw away everything we had built together because of this, please.”
The feeling of guilt had returned and Lovette instantly felt as if she didn’t want to continue giving him the cold shoulder after what she had done. She felt how sincere his apology had been. He had never really done much to upset her and had always gone out of his way to make sure she was happy. Fully forgiving him wouldn’t be easy…or a guaranteed outcome but she would try.
Joseph had slid all the way beside Lovette and was now looking at her. But, she couldn’t look at him. Mike had been on her mind heavy and all she could think about was what she had done. Kissing her on the cheek, Lovette didn’t move. Feeling as if this was a green light, Joseph continued.
He wanted to feel his wife and show her how sorry he had been. Lovette had wanted to feel Mike. The needs of both of them couldn’t have been more opposite. Besides while pregnant, she had never denied Joseph. Lying back on the bed, she imagined it had been Mike in her bedroom and let her husband have his way.
Chapter 18: Mary
December 14, 2001
“How’s everything at home?” asked Ms. Carle. The same questions every time! I found out what mama and papa paid this woman and she hardly asked anything new. They could ask me this stuff for free! She was wearing a pair of dark green flats today and this had been the first time she had worn a pair of ugly shoes.
“Were those shoes a gift this time, too?” I asked. If she wanted to always talk about the same stuff, so would I. She annoyed me and I annoyed her. We were even.
“No. I actually picked them out myself,” she said. Ms. Carle became like an aunt to me. Except, she had been a lot more annoying than my actual aunt.
“You should stick to letting people give you shoes as gifts,” I said with a smirk on my face. She had been trying her best not to roll her eyes at me.
“Fine. Anyway, tell me how things are going at home?” she asked again. “I know it has to be a little tough now that Joey is away at college. How does that make you feel?”
I actually did miss Joey. Well, a little.
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“Now, Mary. I want to try something new. We’ve been having sessions for a while now and while we have made some improvement, I want to be able to help you a bit more. I’ve talked to your parents about it and they agree that we can move on to the next step. Sit here for me and lie back,” said Ms. Carle.
“Why didn’t you ask me if it was okay to move on to the next step? My parents aren’t the ones sitting in this room and talking to you all the time.” Sometimes I liked her and other times I didn’t. Everybody always thought they knew what we best for me instead of asking me first.
“Okay, you’re right. You’re older now and you are more mature to discuss things. I apologize for not taking your opinion into consideration first. If this doesn’t work, I’ll come to you first next time. Deal?” she asked. Now, she was talking. Nodding my head, she continued.
“Good. So, I want you to lie back on this couch near the window. I know you were probably wondering why I have another couch. This one is for you to take in the sun’s warmth while we talk. Good. Now, close your eyes and just listen to everything I say,” she said.
Looking at her for a second, I had no idea why she had wanted me to close my eyes. If she tried some weird stuff, it would be my last time coming. Staring at me as if I were wasting time, I closed my eyes. The couch was really comfy and the sun did feel really good. I could hear the birds outside chirping, car doors slamming, and Ms. Carle’s heavy breathing.
“Imagine that you are on a beach. You’re sitting in the sand and the sun is shining on your skin. The sand is between your toes and it’s squishy. What are you feeling?” she said.
“I’m happy because I’m at the beach and not at school or in therapy,” I said. Whatever this new thing was that she was trying on me, it wasn’t going to work.
“Okay. It’s good that the beach gives you comfort. Tell me somethings you see on the beach.”
“Other kids are playing. There are a bunch of seashells all over the sand.” Wiggling my toes, there are clumps of sand stuck between them. Picking my foot up, there’s a piece of something stuck at the bottom. Gum. Who spits out gum on the beach?!
Joey. He has his headphones on and those stupid sunglasses he always wears. His skin is red. I’m pretty sure he didn’t put on suntan lotion like mama told him to. He’s gonna be a piece of bacon in a few.
Mama and papa are in the water. Mama has the prettiest pink bathing suit on. It has a bunch of sparkling pieces on the top and the bottom. Papa doesn’t have a shirt on. His hairy chest looks gross.
Putting her hands in the water and scooping some up, she throws the water in papa’s face. Laughing at the top of her lungs, she does it over and over again until he picks her up and runs through the water.
“I’m gonna toss you in the water! I’m gonna do it!” he shouted.
“PUT ME DOWN, JOE!” mama screams. “I SWEAR, IF YOU THROW ME IN THIS WATER!” she threatened.
Putting her back down in the water, she scoops up some more water and throws it on him. Moving fast out of the water, mama runs towards me. Laughing the whole way, papa chases after her. Pulling me into her arms, she soaked me with water. I had just dried off.
“Come get in the water! You’re just sitting here watching everyone,” said mama.
“Mary? Did you hear me?” Sitting straight up, I was back in Ms. Carle’s office. The back of my head was throbbing a little and she was sitting with a strange grin on her face.
“Huh? What did you do to me?” I ask.
“I didn’t do anything. I asked you a few questions and I let your body do the rest. I never moved from my chair. I promise. Now, tell me what you saw, heard, or how you feel,” she said.
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“Umm…home is okay. Nothing different really. I started hanging out with a couple of girls from school. They aren’t so bad. One talks a bit much but she has a cool room. Her parents buy her whatever she wants and when I hang with her, they buy me whatever I want too.” As soon as I said it, I knew what she was about to say next, so I beat her to it.
“I don’t hang with her just for gifts. It just happens when we do hang out. Her parents have a lot of money and they just don’t want me to feel left out if they buy her something while I’m there. They do the same thing for everyone that is around at the time. Not just me.”
This had changed her facial expression. She thought she could read me so well but didn’t realize that I had been coming to her for so long now that I could read her, too.
“I’m glad you said that. Friendships aren’t just about the material things people can do for us and I’m glad you know that. Have you ever thought about doing something nice for….what’s her name?” she said.
“Brittany. She’s nice, I guess.” We met on the first day of school and the teacher told us to form groups to get to know one another. Me, Brittany, Lonnie and Sheena were in the same group.
“It’s good that you’ve made some new friends. I’m proud of you,” said Ms. Carle.
Everyone was proud of me for making friends as if it were so bad that I just wanted to hang out with my sister all of the time. Mama acted as if we had won the lottery the first time Brittany, Lonnie and Sheena came over to hang out. The way she screeched when they walked in the door
was the most embarrassing day of my life.
“Do you feel comfortable doing a window session today?” This is what we had called them. Window sessions. She had said exactly what it was called but I couldn’t remember it; the word was funny. Plus, window sessions had sounded better anyway. Nodding my head, I lie back on the couch. Comfy.
“Whenever you clear your thoughts, we can begin,” she said. The sun feels good again. Ms. Carle’s office always had the best sunlight. It shined through as if the sun was made for her window. There’s a baby crying outside. A car door slams and then the cries stop. Silence. I nod.
“You’re at home. You’re dressed in your favorite pajamas and you’re snuggled up under your blanket. It’s early in the morning and you’re just waking up.”
Bacon. It smells so good and I can’t wait to get a taste. Nobody cooks as good as mama. Nobody.
It’s cold. Throwing the blanket behind me, a breeze hits me. I shiver and push my purple toenails into my fuzzy blue bedroom slippers. Walking towards the door, I hear a noise. Reaching for the doorknob, it’s freezing. Pulling the door towards me, it squeaks.
Papa. He’s standing in the doorway of the guest room Joyce is sleeping in. Walking closer to him, I can see her body moving around in a weird way and…there’s blood. Lots and lots of blood.
“JOYCE! MAMA, JOYCE NEEDS HELP! PAPA, DO SOMETHING!” There’s so much blood. She’s choking. The quilt grandma Trudy had made was on top of her. There were so many squares decorated in different designs. Blood had covered the top row of squares and the white was now ruined.
We’re in the car. Mama’s screams won’t stop. Joey looks scared and Joyce’s body is hardly moving. Her head is rested on my shoulder. Mama is now in the backseat and holding Joyce. Papa is driving so fast. The car moves from lane to lane and my stomach starts to hurt. I feel as if I want to throw up. I smell the blood.
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