Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  What the hell have I done?

  And my stellar reaction to it was fucking priceless. Christ, I could have handled that better. My mind reels with everything, but most of all with my feelings for my best mate.

  It’s always been a major turn-on for me, seeing him get off. And the same for him. But now, staring in his eyes while doing it, made it intense, meaningful. Having an epic orgasm because of it was…disconcerting. I’m worried I might have given myself away. He must never know how I feel about him.

  I grip the back of my neck in frustration. What the bloody hell do I do now? I need to get my emotions locked back down before going inside again.

  Hesitant at first, a petite female blonde sidles up to me. “Hey, Theo, are you okay, honey? Did I do something wrong? It’s fine if I did. Tom can be a little forceful. He likes to command the scene, so I just go along with—”

  I put my hands up in front of me, ending her diatribe. “No, Sara, you did everything perfect. Too perfect, probably. I’m okay. Well, maybe embarrassed I came so quick. Not great for a man’s ego, you know?” I shrug, not lying.

  She chuckles. “No, but excellent for a woman’s. At least I thought so until you stormed out. Finn wondered why you took off so suddenly, so Tom sent me to check on you. I think Finn’s had too much to drink. He seemed out of it when I left.”

  “What?” I quiz her, confused. “It makes no sense. We’ve had the same to drink. He can handle a lot more than that before he gets drunk. I need to go back in and check to see if he’s okay.”

  Before I take a step, she crosses in front of me and lays her palms on my chest. “Oh, well, Tom’s looking after him. I’m sure they’ve moved on to other things by now. Maybe we could…” She breaks off, trying to kiss me.

  I grasp her wrists and move her away from me with care. “Thanks, but I need to get to Finn. I’m his best friend, and we always stay together when we’re out. If he is okay when we get inside, and he wants to stick around, then we will. If not, then I’ll take him home. He’s my priority, Sara,” I implore, hoping she understands. Some things are more important than sex.

  She looks at the ground nodding. “I understand, Theo. You’re one of the good guys. There aren’t many of you around anymore. It’s nice. Let’s go.”

  Back in the Red Room, I squeeze through the curtains. Tom sits drinking from his glass with Finn slumped against the arm of the couch, barely conscious and mumbling incoherent sentences.

  “What the fuck?” I spit in Tom’s face, rage consuming me from the inside. “What happened to him, Tom? He was fine when I took off. What have you given him?” I’ve known this in clubs before. Someone has drugged him. “What the fuck did you do to him, you bastard?”

  “I did nothing to him. He complained of feeling woozy, so I sat him up, and he fell asleep. Don’t yell at me because your mate can’t handle his booze.” He appears too calm, too nonchalant. I don’t trust him. Fury ignites me, my fists clenching at my sides.

  Before I do something stupid, like deck him, the curtain is thrown open. The hostess assesses the scene in front of her. She looks at us, then at an unconscious Finn.

  “Gentlemen, I can’t have you yelling like that in here, and your friend has had far too much to drink. You need to leave.” She stands sentry between the curtains with her arms folded.

  “Look, miss, I’m sorry for all the shouting, but something happened to my friend while I was outside, and—”

  “I’m sorry, but your friend has had too much to drink,” she reiterates. “You cannot stay on the property. Please leave before I get someone to escort you out.” She holds firm, unwilling to budge.

  Tom stands up from behind me. “Miss, my girlfriend and I rented this booth, and we have barely drunk anything, as you can see. Do you need to throw us out, too?” he simpers.

  That slimy motherfucker.

  She smiles at him and nods. “You and your girlfriend are welcome to stay, but these gentlemen need to leave. Now.”

  She shoots a stern glare at me. I turn and grab Finn around the waist, throwing his arm over my shoulder, which I hold on to with my free hand. I haul him off the couch as he continues to talk gibberish.

  “Come on, Finn, we’re going home,” I tell him as I walk him out of the booth. “Thanks for nothing,” I bitch to the hostess as I pass her and drag Finn out of the club into a waiting cab.

  Once I assure the taxi driver that Finn won’t throw up, he drives us home and drops us off at the flat. Finn sleeps the whole way. I haul him out of the cab, wrap his body around mine again, and drag him inside.

  Exhausted, and huffing and puffing from the exertion, I eventually get him in his bedroom. I draw the covers back and lay him on the bed, taking a few lungfuls of air to steady my nerves and my temper. Then, I begin stripping him down and getting him into bed.

  I remove his shirt first, undoing each button with trembling fingers while he mutters the word no over and over again.

  “It’s me, Sunshine. I’m just getting you ready for bed,” I say as I unfasten his jeans.

  “Theo?” he mumbles.

  “Yeah, Finn. It’s me, Theo. We’re home now, in your room,” He lets out a small sob, striking me right through the heart.

  “Theo…told him…no…no…Theo…where…you…hurts,” he sobs, moving his head from side to side.

  What the fucking hell? No. Not Finn. That motherfucking bastard!

  I remove his jeans as fast as my shaking hands will allow, leaving him in only his white Calvin Kline boxer briefs. As gentle as possible, I shift him onto his side and recoil at what I see. Streaks of blood have smudged down his thighs and stained the back of his boxers. Bile rises in my throat, and I stagger to the toilet, where I heave up everything in my stomach.

  I collapse on the floor against the wall and weep into a towel so Finn won’t hear me. I let out all my anger in those tears for my best friend and the guy I love most in the world. The sweetest guy who didn’t deserve this. I blame myself for leaving him. We never left each other. If I’d stayed with him, this would never have happened. I would never forgive myself for this.

  After drying my tears on my sleeve, I rinse my mouth out with mouthwash and go to Finn. He still lies on his side where I left him. I just want to clean him up, wash away the evidence, but I can’t until he’s been to the police. His sobbing has stopped for now, and his breathing has eased into a slow, gentle rhythm.

  I snag a pair of clean black boxers from his underwear drawer and remove the stained pair. Able to manoeuvre him enough to change him into the fresh pair, I turn him back on his side in case he throws up.

  Then, I put every scrap of clothing into a plastic bag as evidence.

  Finally, I strip down to my underwear and climb into bed with him. We both have a king-sized bed, so he has plenty of room to move around and still have space. I don’t want to leave him. I won’t. He’s my Finn, and that disgusting bastard has violated him.

  The sick fucker.

  He stirs again as I plump my pillows to get comfortable. “Theo…stay…here…need…you.” He starts whimpering again.

  We face each other, but his eyes remain shut. He knows I’m here, though. I place a hand on his face and rub my thumb back and forward over his cheek to soothe him.

  “I’m here, Finn. Together, always. It’s okay now. You can sleep.”

  “Theo…always,” he mumbles, before drifting off to sleep.

  Chapter 7

  FINN

  My eyelids try to resist opening as I squint at the late summer sun blazing through my bedroom window. A narrow opening in the curtains allows a shaft of daylight to shine on my face.

  I’m sprawled across something warm and comforting. That something smells of sandalwood and breathes deep beneath me. I recognise that scent, along with a scent that is uniquely Theo. The hammering in my skull makes me grimace as I lift my head in a slow and careful fashion.

  I gaze up at him, the golden rays highlighting his Greek godlike features. He’s on his
back, still sleeping, dark lashes fanning his cheekbones. His hair is spread about his pillow, tangled from a restless night’s slumber, yet he still could roll out of bed and straight onto the cover of a magazine. He is so beautiful, it pains me to look at him sometimes. The knowledge that he’ll never be mine pokes at a perpetual wound that never heals.

  It’s only when I sneak a peek lower, his body hidden by a sheet from the waist down, that I realise I’m lying across his naked chest. My arm is over his abdomen, and my knee is pushed between his bare legs. He has one arm tight around my shoulder, the other is shielding his eyes.

  Why is he here in bed with me, let alone cuddling with me like we are lovers? What the fuck happened last night?

  I move away before he wakes up and notices my position. I don’t want to, but it might become awkward otherwise. Theo holding me in his arms like this is everything to me. Nothing has ever compared to this moment. His steady heartbeat in my ear and his chest rising and falling with every breath is…transcendent, almost. I live for this man…I’m altogether his, and he doesn’t even realise it. I stifle a groan as I moved my aching body away from his embrace.

  Why can’t I remember last night?

  The pounding in my head is now like an industrial jackhammer as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, touching the cool wood floor with my bare feet. I glance at my lower body and see that I’m wearing black boxers.

  I’m sure I wore my white Calvins. And what is that on my thighs? It looks like dried blood.

  “Oh, no…fuck no,” I whisper to myself, dread stealing my oxygen. I clutch my biceps, shaking my head, as my stomach bottoms out.

  The scattered, hazy memories of last night assault my mind with the force of a high-speed train. I grip my skull, elbows on my knees, as I remember—Tom and Sara, the Red Room, dual blowjobs, eye contact with Theo.

  I remember Theo storming out, being confused and wanting to go after him. I couldn’t get up. “Too drunk,” Tom said. I recall saying no, being shifted around, excruciating pain, and nothing else.

  Tom raped me.

  That bastard raped me.

  Fuck.

  My stomach lurches as I recall the pain.

  Oh my God, the pain.

  I stumble to the toilet and throw up everything I have inside of me, continuing to dry heave as I struggle to blank the images running like a movie reel inside my head. Tears well in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

  Neither Theo nor my family can ever know. What would they think of me? I’m so confused. My mind races as I search for the answers to last night.

  Why? I was a sure thing. I don’t understand.

  After brushing my teeth and flushing the toilet, I drop to the floor, my back against the wall. Lack of strength leaves me unable to stand. My legs are like jelly, my whole body vibrating with shock. I think about how I got home. Theo must have brought me back and put me to bed.

  Oh, no, he knows. Theo knows.

  As if I have summoned him from the heavens, he appears in the doorway, wearing only red boxers, biting his bottom lip and rubbing the back of his neck. I don’t meet his eyes, so certain my shame and humiliation are written on my face. I hunch forward and stare at the tiled floor, anywhere so I don’t meet Theo’s pitiful eyes.

  “Finn, are you okay?” he asks in a hushed tone, sitting next to me and placing his arm around my shoulders. I flinch unexpectedly at the contact, so he moves his arm to his side, still near me but not quite touching. The thought of him touching my dirty, defiled skin makes me nauseous again, yet I feel so guilty rejecting his comfort.

  “I heard you throwing up. Do you need anything? Some water, maybe?”

  I try for nonchalance. “No, thanks, Doc. I’m okay. Just a hangover. I’ll be better soon, though, so don’t worry about me.” I’m not positive he knows about last night, and I’m still too shocked and ashamed to talk about it.

  “Okay. Do you want to go back to bed? It’s only five o’clock. Maybe more sleep and some water will help to settle your stomach.” That’s my Theo, always trying to fix everything. Nothing will fix this mess, though.

  Nothing.

  “Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll sleep anymore this morning. My head is pounding too much. You go, though. You shouldn’t stay awake with me. A hot shower will help, and I might sit in my window seat and listen to the birds while I write.”

  “No!” he yells, frantic. The sound startles me, and I jump. “You can’t shower yet. I need to talk with you first about…” He hesitates, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Finn, do you remember anything about last night? Anything at all from when we left the house?”

  A lump forms a barrier in my larynx, and I struggle to swallow past it. I’m not ready for this conversation yet, but this is Theo, and he somehow got me back to safety; not to mention changing my underwear and looking after me. I have to talk this through with him and try to piece it all together. We’re the best of friends, and he’s always there for me. I owe him honesty, at the very least.

  My voice is barely audible when I finally speak. “I remember everything that happened until after the blowjobs, when you left.” Theo winces and starts to speak, but I hold my hand up to stop him. “The rest is scattered and hazy, like I was in a parallel universe almost, except I still felt and heard everything. I had trouble moving, and I was woozy when I got up to go after you. Tom sent Sara to check on you, saying he would look after me…make sure I was okay until you returned. That’s when things became cloudy,” I explain, noticing the tick in his jaw and his clenched fists.

  “I tried to move, but my limbs wouldn’t co-operate. I remember Tom moving me around to my front on the couch. He pulled down my jeans and boxers.” I shiver and clutch my stomach. “I must have known what he was about to do, as I remember saying no, over and over. He said something about it being his turn. I remember this searing pain…and nothing. I blacked out after that. When I woke up in bed this morning, I was beside you.” My voice cracks at the end. My whole body is vibrating, and my teeth are chattering, the shock finally having an impact on me.

  Theo jumps up, retrieving a large, fluffy bath towel for me to wrap around myself, and he starts pacing the small space like a caged lion.

  “I will kill that sick motherfucker!” he yells as he punches a hole in the drywall with his fist. “Do you hear me, Finn? I will hunt that sick fucker down and make him pay for what he has done to you. He won’t get away with this. You need to go to the police and report it. And we need to get you to the hospital to get you checked out.” He’s ranting and frantic, tugging at his hair as he paces.

  “I didn’t wash you, Finn. When I brought you back here, I only changed your underwear. I didn’t destroy the evidence. I kept your clothes in a clear plastic bag to hand to the police.” He pauses, his eyes welling up like misted glass. “There was blood…so much fucking blood. I kept checking on you through the night to make sure you were still breathing. I should have taken you to the hospital instead. I shouldn’t have left you with that guy. I should have—”

  “No, Theo,” I yell back, interrupting his tirade. I grab his wrist to stop him from pacing. “I was completely out of it, covered in blood. If I had woken up in hospital this morning, I would have freaked the fuck out. You know that. That’s exactly why you brought me here. I’m safer here with you. Together, always, remember?”

  “But you’re hurt, Finn. He could have fucking damaged you. We need to get you checked out. I’m worried.”

  “Okay, you said you kept checking me through the night, right?” I approach the subject logically. I need to calm him down before he does something he’ll regret.

  “Yes, I checked the sheets and the outside of your underwear in case you continued to bleed.”

  “And did the bleeding stop?” It has, as the only blood I found was the dried streaks on my thighs.

  “Yes, I mean, I saw no more, but that doesn’t mean you’re okay, Finn. I would be a lot happier if you got checked out at the hospital.”
>
  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, Doctor Worthington. I’ll do it for you,” I mock, even though the thought fills me with pure dread. The last thing I need is to be poked and prodded and reminded.

  “I might deal with sick animals instead of people, but I have medical knowledge. That’s why I insist on you getting looked at. I can’t lose you, Finn.”

  He chokes back the emotion that overwhelms him as I look up at the ceiling, trying to swallow past that insistent pain in my throat. The last thing Theo needs right now is me bawling like a girl. It would only upset him more.

  I get up and move toward him slowly, as if approaching a wild animal. “You won’t,” I soothe, rubbing his arm in a comforting gesture. “Let me get dressed, and we can go. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get back.” He nods his approval. “Please don’t leave me, though, man. I don’t think I can do this alone,” I whisper to him, trying to keep the raw emotion from entering my voice. I have to do this for him, and that means putting on a brave face.

  Time to go to hospital.

  Chapter 8

  THEO

  Jumping into my black Range Rover Vogue, I start the engine, ready to take Finn to the hospital. He’s moving slower than usual as he climbs into the car and sits gingerly on the seat. He’s in pain, and fucking keeping it from me. I know it, but I don’t want to make a fuss. He’s letting me take him to the hospital, and I’m thankful for that.

  He can be a stubborn twat. We both can, which often leads to a battle of wills. I won the battle this time, though, and I will take my victory with decorum, given the circumstances. It’s uncanny sometimes how similar we are. That’s why we gel so well.

  Pulling into St Thomas’ hospital, I park in the nearest space I can find, which is still miles away from the entrance. It seems like that anyway, especially when Finn is in pain.

  Before he can open the car door, I turn to him. “Stay there while I get you a wheelchair,” I order, narrowing my eyes at him. I brace myself for the fight I know is to follow.