Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  “What? Theo, no. I will do no such thing. I’m perfectly capable of walking. I walked to the car, didn’t I?” My jaw clenches at his blunt refusal.

  I glare at him in defiance. “Finn, you are obviously in pain, but are too stubborn to say as much. I will get you a wheelchair so you hurt just a little less. It’s a long walk from the car.”

  Finn looks around before dropping his voice low and whispering, “As much as I appreciate the offer, I don’t want you treating me as a victim, and being in a wheelchair because of what he did would make me feel that way. I…” He pauses, coughing to cover up the quiver in his voice. “Anyway, wheeling over any little bumps would hurt more, and it’s really not as bad as you imagine.”

  I narrow my eyes, trying to gauge how much of that is true. He knows I can read him like my favourite book—by heart—and right now, he is underplaying how he really feels. My face softens as I concede. I have yet to see him cry, and I know that will be an inevitable conclusion.

  “Okay, Finn. Have it your way.” I sigh. “We’ll walk, but if it gets to be too much, don’t be surprised when I’m carrying you,” I counter before strutting off toward the main entrance. I will, too, and he fucking knows it.

  Entering the bustling waiting room, we approach the receptionist. I’m not sure how Finn will handle this. The matter is too private.

  “Hello, gentlemen. How can I help you this morning?” the receptionist asks both of us. I don’t speak. Finn won’t thank me for taking over. I thrust my hands into my jeans pockets and look around at nothing in particular. It’s hard as hell standing by and watching him struggle.

  He shifts from foot to foot. “Well…um, I need to be…um…looked at by a doctor, or nurse. I’m not sure which. I…um…” he stutters, then drops his voice to a whisper. “It’s a very sensitive issue and not one I wish to discuss in the waiting room.”

  Her face takes on a more serious, sympathetic look. “Oh…” she replies in a quiet tone. “Here’s what you need to do. Fill out this form with your details explaining the issue, then hand it back to me, and I’ll make sure it reaches the correct member of staff. There’s an empty relatives room you can use just behind you for more privacy. Is that okay?”

  Finn’s relief is palpable. “Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you,” he replies as we retreat into the tiny room.

  Racing through the form in record time, Finn hands it back to the receptionist, who smiles and tells us to take a seat in the overflowing waiting room. We find two empty seats together, only thanks to another couple vacating them. Finn is restless, and I’m not sure if it’s because of pain, anxiety, or both.

  “Finlay Tyler, please,” a male voice shouts from the reception area.

  That was quick.

  Getting up, we follow the man in navy blue scrubs into a large room with an examination table in the middle, covered with blue tissue paper. Plastic containers line the walls for gloves and other everyday equipment. There are also three chairs, a sink, and two tall waste bins—one for medical waste and one for general waste. Other items are placed around the room for ease of use, but nothing too disconcerting.

  “I’m Senior Nurse Anthony Jackson, and I’m the nurse who specialises in this kind of trauma.” He turns to me with suspicious eyes. “And you are?”

  “Not going anywhere.”

  Finn steps in before I say anything else. “This is my best friend, Theo, and he stays with me every step of the way, otherwise, I’ll walk out of here.”

  Nurse Jackson smiles and nods. “Okay, then, Finlay. Let’s start with you telling me what happened last night, and we’ll take it from there. You’ll be here for a while, so if you need anything, just ask. And if you need to take a break or stop, then that’s what we’ll do. We’ll go at your pace only.” Finn nods in agreement, letting out a deep, shuddering breath.

  I want nothing more than to reach out and touch him, just to comfort him. But after his flinch this morning, I’m scared as fuck; afraid he now fears me, and I can’t live with that. Looking after Finn is the only thing preventing me from hunting that bastard down and breaking the law.

  Finn takes another deep breath and starts his recall of last night, beginning from where we went out and finishing where he passed out. I then tell my part of the story to fill in any blanks, even though I was missing for much of it. It’s embarrassing as hell, and it makes us look like a pair of deviants, but Nurse Jackson is unbiased and non-judgmental.

  He draws a few vials of blood from Finn to check to see if there are any drugs left in his body, and also to check for STI’s, including HIV.

  “Finn, is it okay if I get the rape kit? We need to do more tests on you. They can be invasive, but they’re very much necessary. If you don’t feel you can go any further, you say “stop” at any time, and we’ll end the tests. You’re in charge here.”

  Finn pales, and trembles a little, but he is steadfast in spirit. I have no doubt he will see this through to the end. It’s his nature, and I’m relieved that last night’s events haven’t tarnished that.

  “As long as Theo stays with me.” He turns to look at me, biting his bottom lip. “Please, Theo, I need you to stay with me. This will be the worst bit, and I just…”

  He shakes his head. I take a chance and reach out to hold his hand, glad when he doesn’t rebuff me. “You don’t need to ask, Sunshine. Like I always tell you…together, always. I’m not leaving you. Not for a second, okay?” He nods, breathing heavier than ever as emotion renders him mute. I swallow past the rock in my throat for what he is about to go through.

  Nurse Jackson conducts various examinations on Finn, but the most invasive are the swabs and the examination itself. Finn squeezes my hand in a vice-like grip while he lies on the examination couch with his eyes pinched shut.

  “Look at me, Finn,” I urge, trying to distract him from what is happening below his waist. He looks at me, eyes bulging like a startled rabbit. It devastates me to see him so vulnerable.

  The guilt consumes me from the inside like a flesh-eating bacteria. It’s ravaging my heart at a rapid pace. He got hurt because of me. Because I couldn’t handle my fucking feelings and left him alone.

  “You’ve got this, okay? You’ve got this. I’m here with you all the way.” He whimpers as Nurse Jackson takes the swabs, but he doesn’t falter, not once. I’m in awe of his courage. It doesn’t fail him and bugger off when he needs it most, like mine.

  “Okay, Finn. You can get dressed now, and I’ll have a quick chat with you. Did you happen to bring your clothes from last night?” Finn nods toward me as I hand the plastic bag over, containing his clothes and the stained underwear. Nurse Jackson nods his head and smiles at me in respect. Once Finn has redressed in his dark grey joggers and a white t-shirt, we take a seat.

  He turns to Finn, who is holding my hand again. I give it a gentle squeeze, and he squeezes right back.

  “So, following your examination, it looks like the bleeding came from a small tear which should heal by itself just fine. But I’ll give you an anaesthetic cream to apply, just to ease the pain and swelling around that area along with ibuprofen. You have some bruising, which I have taken photographic evidence of…” He pauses and looks at Finn solemnly. “I need to ask if you wish to report this to the police. If you choose not to, then the evidence collected will stay here, in a safe place, for several years, should you change your mind. If you want to press charges, then all evidence will be sent to the police, and someone will contact you about how to proceed. The decision is entirely yours. There’s no right or wrong answer, and there is no time limit.”

  I look at Finn, white as chalk, with dark shadows under his eyes, and my throat constricts in a painful twist.

  He’s had enough now.

  I turn to Nurse Jackson. “Can he think over it for a few days? I mean, it’s up to Finn, but he’s been through a lot in the last twenty-four hours, and I just need to take him home and make him something to eat while he has a hot shower.”

&nbs
p; “Theo is right,” Finn answers first, jumping off the bed. “My mind is all over the place, and it’s had enough for one day. I need to go home now.”

  Nurse Jackson looks at him; true empathy on his face for the first time that day. “Of course, Finn. Like I said, it’s your decision. The evidence is here, should you ever need it. And, please, let Theo take care of you, at least until your physical wounds have healed. Oh, and here are those medications I promised you,” he says as he hands a pharmacy bag to Finn.

  After thanking Nurse Jackson, who had been amazing in the end, Finn shuffles back to the car, and I drive us home.

  “Hey, you fancy a takeout tonight?” I ask him as I weave through the busy London traffic. It’s mid-afternoon by the time we leave, and I’m starving. Finn needs to eat, too, but I’m not sure how to convince him of that. He’s quiet, understandably so, but it seems the shock has worn off now, and the impact of the last twenty-four hours is finally sinking in.

  “Yeah, sure, whatever you fancy,” his monotone reply comes. He’s staring out the window, lost in his own head.

  I’m just as lost.

  I’m going insane with the need to fix this shit, except I don’t know how. How can I turn back time to make sure we never met those people…or that I never left him alone like I did? There’s a wrecking ball inside my chest, but I can’t let Finn see that. I have to be strong for him. He needs me to be strong.

  After we reach the flat, we walk in absolute silence. Luckily, old Mrs. Peterson isn’t around. This would be the worst time for her to hit on me. Not that any time is good, but this would be so much worse.

  We hang our jackets up in the hallway closet, and I go to the kitchen to dig out the take-away menus. Finn sits in his window seat, his guitar on the stand next to him, staring at the late afternoon sun shining over the park.

  I just want to hug him forever and tell him it’s all going to be okay; that I can take his pain away, his suffering. It isn’t though. I know nothing will ever be the same again.

  Menus in hand, I flop down on the sofa. “So, what tickles your fancy? We can have pizza, fish and chips, Indian, Chinese…you must be famished.”

  Finn doesn’t look at me as he speaks. “I’m not. I’m still a little nauseous from whatever they drugged me with last night,” he says with that same monotone voice as he continues his watch out of the window.

  “You need to eat, Finn. You’ll get sick if you don’t.” I worry my bottom lip with my top teeth. I feel helpless, useless.

  Finn turns to me sharply. “What…you think eating will make this better? A slice of pizza will be the magic potion that fixes all of it?” he roars at me, getting up from his seat to stand in front of me. “I was fucking raped, Theo. Violated by a stranger while you pouted like a child outside for who the hell knows why? What happened to together, always, huh?” He is waving his arms in the air now and getting up in my face. “Why weren’t we together when I was getting fucked in the arse against my will? Well, you know what, Theo? You can shove our friendship motto up your arse along with your food and see how it feels. I don’t want any. I’m going in the shower, then I’m going to bed.” He glares hard at me, his eyes full of bitterness, before pushing past me and storming into his room, slamming the door behind him.

  The bang of his door jolts me out of my shock. His vitriol has knocked the wind out of me, and I can’t fucking breathe for the pain in my chest. Though the words Finn just spat at me are true, he said it with such venom, he may as well have killed me. He aimed for my heart and pierced it with deadly accuracy.

  He’s right, I should have been with him. How can he ever trust me again when I left him vulnerable and alone? It was my idea to go out and score. If we hadn’t, Finn would have been at home safe. I’m a selfish prick, who put my best friend at risk.

  Bellowing in rage, I drive my fist through the drywall, punching and punching until my knuckles burst, blood trickling down my hand along with the tears on my face. Broken and defeated, I retreat to my room with a bottle of bourbon in hand, too sickened to eat now. After showering, I fall into bed, naked and drunk, and do something I did only yesterday.

  I cry for my best friend.

  I cry for the person I love more than anything else in this world.

  I cry for my fractured heart.

  Chapter 9

  FINN

  After slamming my door in petulance and hearing Theo punch the wall, I tear off my clothes and stuff them at the back of my wardrobe. They’ve been against my unwashed, tainted skin.

  Naked and strung out, I turn the shower to the hottest setting, step inside, and start scrubbing. I scrub methodically until my skin is pink and raw, then I rinse the suds away and repeat again.

  Everywhere.

  The hot water stings my tightening skin, but I don’t give a damn. I need him washed off me. The stink makes me nauseous. Bile surges in my throat as I’m reminded of him touching me.

  Shame I can’t scrub my memories the same way. How the hell will I cope with them if I can’t stand the stench of my skin anymore? I’m so empty and alone. It’s my trauma to endure. How dare Theo interfere and tell me what to do? He isn’t the boss of me. I am in control of what I do with my body and I’ll eat when I damn well want to.

  So angry, I scrub even harder. How does he know what I need right now? It didn’t happen to him. He was outside, with his pissy attitude about who the hell knew what. What was his problem last night, anyway?

  Still full of rage, I turn the shower off, rubbing the towel over myself with indignation. I stomp into my bedroom naked, still damp, and sit on the bottom of my bed. My body is wound tight—like a coiled snake ready to strike. I take huge, deep breaths to rein in the misplaced anger, flopping backward onto my bed.

  My temper got the best of me, and losing it with Theo in that way makes me a bastard.

  I shouldn’t have said that shit. He’s burdened with enough guilt for leaving me alone last night, even though he hasn’t said so. I know him better than I know myself.

  Frustration wears on me like friction, and I rub my hands over my face, berating myself for being the biggest dickhead in the solar system, when a small sound catches my attention. Slumped in the dark, my ears finely tuned to the quiet, I wonder what I’m hearing.

  Is that a moan?

  No way…Theo hasn’t brought a girl home. I’d joked about him having a revolving door to his bedroom, which he almost has, but even he wouldn’t be insensitive enough to bring a fuck buddy home after last night. Well, I wouldn’t blame him, given that I hurt him. That isn’t Theo, though.

  My ear now against the wall like a creepy perv, I pick up on it again.

  Okay. Time to investigate.

  I want to barge into his damn room and give him another piece of my mind, but I need proof before I storm in and make a tit of myself. Instead, I do what any decent best friend does. I streak along the hall in the pitch black to his bedroom, not caring in the slightest if I’m buck naked, and listen at the door.

  The sound is indistinct. I still can’t make it out, and the shadows are freaking me out now. Naked and alone is a vulnerable position to find myself in after recent events. When I pick up on it again, I’ve had enough.

  Sod it.

  It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve watched him have sex. I’ve even taken part a few times.

  I tap on the door with my knuckles.

  Once

  Twice.

  No response, only that strange wailing sound. I fling open the door as I stride in, braced for another showdown.

  What I don’t expect to see is Theo, buried beneath his sheets, a half-full bottle of Jack on his nightstand, and…sobbing. The last time I saw Theo cry was when we were twelve, and his pet rabbit, Hades, died. He loved that hairy demon. Hades’ death hit him hard. It was the catalyst to him becoming a vet—his love for animals. Theo has a huge heart and an even bigger hero complex, so it fit that he should choose such a career.

  Until he takes over the
family business, anyway.

  I tiptoe over to him and sit on the edge of his bed. My hand touches what I presume is his shoulder, as I whisper, “Theo, are you okay?”

  He jumps but stays concealed by the sheet.

  “Finn, I didn’t hear you come in…I…um…I was just…” he stammers, his voice shaking. A swift movement under the sheet makes it obvious he’s wiping his eyes.

  “Look at me, Theo,” I demand, as I pull the sheet away from his face. His curls stick to his cheeks from the moisture coating them, and he’s a hot mess. A drunken, hot mess.

  I hand him a tissue from the nightstand. He takes a few stuttering breaths, trying to compose himself, while I sweep his hair back from his face with gentle fingers.

  “I’m so sorry I said those things to you, Theo. I should never have blamed you,” I whisper, as I peer into his bloodshot eyes.

  “No, I’m sorry, Finn. I’m so fucking sorry for leaving you last night. It’s all my fault,” he gushes as the tears drip from his cheeks.

  There’s no sobbing this time, only an endless trail of tears. His heart is crumbling with guilt, taking my own along with it. This man, who I have been in love with since I was sixteen, is breaking apart over what happened to me, and I have added to the destruction by blaming him.

  “Oh, God, Theo, come here.” I open my arms as he sits upright and falls into them, with only the thin cotton sheet between us.

  Theo clings to me as if the world will end if he lets go, and I let him. My arms slide around his shoulders, his arm around my waist, and we embrace like lovers. Just this once, I need to experience him this way. I have nothing left to lose at this point.

  I let myself feel…just for tonight.

  Nudging my face into the crook of his neck, I breathe him in…his essence, everything that is purely Theo. It takes a few seconds to realise he is clinging on as hard as I am, and we are rocking, maybe in comfort, who knows? His face burrows into the curve of my neck, and we are both naked. And I am semi-erect.