Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  I fell on the bed backward and rubbed my hot, bruised cheek. Tears threatened to spill at the pain in my face and the humiliation of Mr. Worthington finding us like that. It was only light kissing, but he sacked Jack on the spot and marched me into his study by the arm, where he lost his shit.

  Theo fell on the bed next to me and rubbed my arm, soothing me like he always did. “Finn, let me see.” I shook my head vehemently and continued to cover my hurt cheek with my hand. “Please, Finn? I need to see what that arsehole did to you. I wanted to fucking kill him when I caught him hitting you. I…”

  Before he did something he would regret, I pulled my hand away from my face to let him see. “Fucking hell. It’s already bruised. Jesus, I want to go in there and return the favour. Show him what it feels like.”

  I put a hand on his arm to stop him raving. His eyes were glassy—wild with pent-up anger and frustration. “Theo, don’t. Don’t give him the satisfaction. He’s looking for a reason to get rid of me, and if you do anything, anything at all, then he’ll kick my mother and me out. We have to let this go for her sake. Please?”

  He thought about it for a moment—the war going on in his head telling on his face. He grimaced and ran his hands through his hair, twisting before he let go.

  “Fuck, Finn, look at what he’s done to you. Has he done this before? I want to bloody kill him right now. I want to go in there and rip his fucking head off, the homophobic wanker. He had no right.” Theo was breathing hard now and pacing the floor near the end of the bed. “Let me see if my mother has any kind of lotion in her room. She and your mother are out running errands, so they won’t know if you don’t want them to. You should tell them, though, Finn. Rose needs to be aware—”

  “No, Theo, please don’t tell my mother. She’ll only blame herself. Like you said earlier, we will leave for uni soon, so we won’t have to endure him much longer. Please, go get the lotion. My face is stinging like hell.”

  It tore Theo in half. I could see it in his face as he looked at me with those big blue eyes, which had misted over.

  He nodded. “Okay, stay there. I’ll be right back.”

  I lay back and turned my burning, sore cheek into the cool cotton pillow. Now that the surge of adrenalin was wearing off, I was feeling emotional and outraged, both at the same time. My emotions were at war, and they had every right to be.

  Jack was sacked because of me. All because I needed to feel another boy’s lips on mine, so I could forget about Theo’s. It almost worked, too. The kiss with Jack was amazing. I liked him and was attracted to him, so it felt only natural to kiss him. As wonderful as it had been, though, before Mr. Worthington caught us, it still didn’t compare to my kiss with Theo. I sighed and tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill.

  True to his word, Theo returned with a bottle of lotion and a packet of frozen peas. “Here, try this. It’s aloe vera lotion. I found it in my mother’s bathroom. It might help the stinging and the redness.”

  Before I could take the bottle from him, Theo squeezed some lotion onto his fingers and massaged it gently into my bruised cheek. The simple act of him rubbing my face with the lotion, caring for me in such an intimate way, was too much, and I let the tears flow. They tracked a path down my nose and dripped onto Theo’s sheets. Then I wept in quiet shudders as the pain in my face intensified, reminding me of each slap I received.

  Warm arms enveloped me as Theo held me in his strong embrace and let me cry. The good side of my face was on his t-shirt-covered chest, my nose pressed into him. The smell of his aftershave drove me crazy, despite my sorrow, as I memorised every snatched breath of him. I held him tight, and he returned the sentiment by squeezing me just as hard.

  “It’s okay, Finn. I’ve got you now. You’re safe here with me. I won’t leave you. Together, always.”

  “Together, always, Theo,” I rasped back, my throat sore from crying.

  And I meant it.

  Every word.

  I jolt back to the present, my brain hurting from all the thinking. Thinking if I let him in—let him comfort me and help me—I’m worried I’ll reveal my true feelings. I’m teetering on the brink as it is, but if I do that…If I tell him the way I truly love him? Well, I can bury our friendship for good.

  Then it will be over.

  Things will become stilted and awkward around us. And I don’t think I can be around to watch him fall in love with someone else, wishing with every molecule in my body that it’s me. I’ll die inside, just like I’m doing now. I’m withering away within my brick fortress, rotting away until there’s nothing left of me but an empty shell.

  A single tear slips down my cheek, which I swipe away with the back of my hand. I will do this. I’m done crying. Last night might have been a complete washout with Aimee, but tonight will be better. A different girl this time.

  I’m sticking to my plan.

  Chapter 12

  THEO

  The next two weeks are hose down and repeat, as far as Finn’s behaviour goes. I lie awake every night, listening for him coming home…he still doesn’t message me. He stumbles in, shit-faced or high. I’m not sure which. But the latter worries me more.

  Before the incident, apart from smoking weed together in college, we never touched drugs. Now, whatever the hell is pumping through his bloodstream is anybody’s guess.

  I’ve stopped helping him to bed—he doesn’t want my help, anyhow. Most of the time, he makes it to his bedroom. Sometimes, he’s still asleep on the hallway floor when I get up for work. I nudge him awake, and he lumbers off to his room with a grunt. Other times, he’ll sing to me and declare his devotion, telling me how much I mean to him and how he cannot live without me.

  Those times confuse me the most. Yeah, he’s drunk, but the words are so heartfelt, and more than declaring love for just a friend. It’s intimate, and I struggle to contain the escalating desire sweeping through me, which makes me feel ashamed. The sexual feelings I have toward my best friend are becoming more evident every day.

  There’s no way of acting on these feelings, though, not after what happened, even if Teddy was out of the picture. Or risking our friendship for something that’ll never work. Finn is the committed, marrying type of guy, and I can’t offer him that, no matter how much I long for him.

  I can’t face his rejection, either, if I’m honest with myself. I’m terrified of not having Finn in my life, despite his recent behaviour, which is understandable, given the circumstances.

  The idea of him dating, though, that gives me this strangling sensation in my gut. I’m not sure what it is yet, but I don’t like it. It’s out of character for me and unsettling.

  I’m beyond pissed off with everything, and I haven’t so much as considered a woman since the assault, too consumed with guilt and shame. It’s the casual sex that led to this in the first place, and that’s entirely on my shoulders.

  Some things are more important, Finn’s well-being being one of them. I told him I’d leave him to handle it, but he’s spiralling out of control, and I’m done watching my best friend lose himself. I don’t recognise him anymore, and the sense of loss is destroying me.

  It’s a little after ten, and, following another evening of eating alone and tolerating my own company, I intend to go to bed. Determined to be asleep this time when Finn rolls in, the sound of the door opening surprises me. This will be a good chance to have a talk. Unless he’s drunk.

  “Finn, you’re early tonight. Can we—”

  “Theo, hey, mate,” he interrupts. I don’t smell alcohol, but he doesn’t look sober, either. Is he high? To my further shock, two busty blonde women follow him through the door, giggling as they teeter on their stiletto heels behind him.

  “Oh, this is a surprise.” Aware of my semi-nakedness, I level Finn with a rigid glare. I’m wearing pyjama pants and nothing else. That wouldn’t be a problem under normal circumstances, but we have unwanted company.

  Finn takes in my appearance and smirks. “What�
�s up, Theo…shy? I’m sure Tiffany and Chloe don’t mind.” His hungry eyes trail up and down my body and he bites his bottom lip. “I know I never do,” he drawls in a husky cadence.

  It’s lucky we have company, otherwise, my dick would be hard and obvious, given that I’m not wearing any underwear.

  What fucking game is he playing?

  From behind Finn, the girls giggle again, yanking us from our weird exchange. Finn removes his leather jacket and throws it on the sofa, falling next to it and dragging one of the girls into his lap.

  “Theo, meet Tiffany,” he says, pointing to the young woman in his lap. “And this lovely lady is Chloe. She’s a present for you.”

  Chloe giggles for the third time, as she flops down next to Finn and begins massaging Tiffany’s legs. Finn grabs Chloe by the face and kisses her hard while Tiffany kisses his neck.

  Now, I have to admit, on a usual night, the scene playing out in front of me would make me aroused within seconds. Tonight, though, I’m at boiling point and ready to explode with rage. If I wanted my leg over, I would find my own girl. I don’t need my best friend bringing me one as a “present.”

  She’s a beautiful girl, with long blonde waves cascading down her back and a short red dress hugging every curve. Any other time, she would have done it for me, but tonight isn’t that night. Besides, it looks like she and Tiffany are on intimate terms with each other if their make-out session on Finn’s lap is anything to go off. We catch each other’s gaze as he peers over Tiffany’s shoulder. When he smirks again, I snap.

  “Finn, a word.”

  He pats both girls on the arse and stands. “Okay, you two. Carry on without me while I have a little chat with my friend here.”

  He shoots me a questioning glance as he follows me into the kitchen, while Tiffany and Chloe make out with renewed vigour on the sofa.

  “What the fuck are you doing bringing those girls here?” I whisper yell, as my hands fly to my hips.

  “What? I thought you would love it. She’s a good-looking girl, so what’s the problem? I’ve never known you to refuse in the past.”

  “I was hoping when you showed up early, we would talk. This is not like you, Finn. At all. The last thing on my mind tonight is having sex.”

  “Well, maybe we can help change that. She’s here now. Why let her go to waste?”

  “Are you for fucking real? Since when do you talk about women that way? You’re the most respectful out of the both of us. Besides, I’d rather find a girl on my own terms, thanks. I don’t need you playing matchmaker.”

  “Oh, so it’s okay when you do it to me but not the other way around? You are so full of shit, Theo,” he snips back, getting up in my face. “I thought we would have a good night together, that’s all. I didn’t realise you were a born-again virgin. Bloody hell, mate.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve realised some things are more important than sex—like our friendship. I don’t even know you anymore, Finn.”

  “I’m still me, Theo. I’m still your best friend. Listen to that, man. They are giving us a show. Let’s fight about this later and make the most of it.”

  I swipe a hand through my damp hair and pace the floor, gentle moans filtering into the kitchen.

  “No. It was you I wanted to spend time with, not them. I’m not in the fucking mood.”

  “Fine. Your loss,” he fires at me, before turning to the girls. “Come on, ladies. Looks like it’s only the three of us. To my boudoir.”

  More giggling ensues as the girls get up from the couch in only their underwear and follow Finn along the corridor to his room.

  I start toward my room, misery inundating me, when Finn turns back. “Oh, and, Theo? Best wear headphones if you don’t want to listen. Although, I don’t mind.” He winks as he enters his room behind the girls and shuts the door.

  He leaves me standing on the threshold of my bedroom, dejected and dismayed. It’s as if we’ve swapped bodies. I close my door and get into bed, wired and unable to sleep. I keep reasoning why I shouldn’t just concede and join him. It’s usually the other way around, but does it matter who brings the women home? That isn’t the issue, though, and I know it.

  The issue is that I want time alone with him. Finn and me together, like old times. I miss us more than I miss screwing girls. If I go in there now, at least we'll spend time together…sort of.

  What’s my fucking problem?

  Fuck it. Let him carry on. At least he’s home safe, even if it is in the arms of someone else.

  Theo, don’t fall down that rabbit hole again.

  Before I deliberate further, female moaning bleeds through the wall, and Finn’s headboard thumps a rhythmic beat. I fling my hands over my ears to block out the sound.

  The last thing I want to listen to is Finn fucking those girls. No way. Yeah, I know what my problem is, alright.

  I'm fucking jealous as hell.

  ***

  The morning after, I face this head on. I walk into Finn’s bedroom, where he’s lying on his back in his grey boxer briefs, an arm slung over his eyes, snoring. The girls must have left during the night. I didn’t hear them leave because of the music blasting through my headphones.

  I nudge his foot.

  “Finn…Finn, wake up.”

  He snorts and jumps, opening those once vibrant blue eyes that are now dull and lifeless.

  “What, Theo? I’m tired, man. Lemme sleep.”

  “No, we need to talk. Today, Finn. If you can do me the courtesy of being home tonight, alone?” I’m being derisive, but my patience has worn thin.

  “No can do, man. Have another date,” he murmurs, still drowsy from sleep. “Anyway, I’m sure you can entertain yourself with Megan, or Angela, or whoever the hell wants to sleep with you. Old Mrs. Peterson? I don’t know. You didn’t want the girls I brought home. I’m tired, Jesus.”

  I stiffen at his dismissive tone. Who the fuck is this in front of me?

  “For fuck’s sake, Finn. Will you look at me when I’m speaking to you?” My voice rises, heated, until he drops his arm from his eyes and glares into mine. “You’re killing me. You’re killing us and yourself if you carry on the way you are. Were you on something last night? And for the record, I haven’t been with anyone since your assault. So, no, there will be no entertaining for me until I don’t have to worry about you. Wondering if you’re unconscious in an alley somewhere, or worse.” My voice croaks on the last word as I choke on my emotions.

  Finn sits bolt upright, pure molten rage burning in his eyes. “Well, don’t let me impede your sex life, Theo. There must be a queue around the block by now waiting for your talented dick to spare them the time of day,” he gesticulates, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

  My eyes widen in shock at the way he’s speaking to me, and my cheeks heat, vision blurring, as he continues. “Why don’t you try to screw a few before you go to work? I’m sure you’ll manage. You can do the rest when you get home. But don’t expect me to be fucking here from now on to watch that spectacle,” he yells back as tears fall down his face.

  I try to interrupt, but he’s having none of it. “Make sure there’s no guys among them, or they’ll leave with a broken heart, too,” he spits. His shaking is visible from where I’m standing in his doorway.

  He looks at me with cruel eyes and lowers his voice. “You’re just like your old man.”

  That’s the final blow my fractured heart can take. He of all people knows the damage that remark will do.

  I have no parting words, so I turn around and close his door, pulling my mobile phone from my pocket as I walk along the hall.

  “Hi, Tally? Yeah, it’s Theo. Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?”

  FINN

  As soon as Theo closes the door, I bury my face in my pillow and let the sobs rip free, staying quiet so he doesn’t hear me.

  The second those hateful words escaped my mouth, I regretted every one of them. I didn’t mean them. Theo sleeping around with women never bothere
d me, except for wishing I was the one in bed with him. But I don’t blame him. He hasn’t had the best example in life, given the father he has.

  And that is the comment I regret the most because, while Theo might have slept around like his father, he’s never lied or cheated. He’s always honest and upfront with everyone involved. He never makes false promises. Which is why I was surprised to hear him on the phone just now with Thalia, arranging a date. Theo never dates, ever. All of his casual one-night stands know that.

  Maybe he’s done looking out for me after my vicious little tirade just now. And what the hell was I doing last night, bringing those blondes home with me? It was so stupid and not a typical Finn thing to do.

  No wonder Theo’s pissed off at me. He can find his own women. I know that. But having him there, in the room with us, would help with the problem that’s preventing me from fucking that rapist out of me. The girls got each other off, while I wallowed in self-inflicted misery.

  It’s like someone has kicked me in the chest and left behind a gaping hole. I’ve pushed him too far, and now he realises what a waste of space I am. Just as his father constantly reminds me when he calls me a little queer who hangs on to Theo like shit on a barn door. He’s right. I’m preventing him from reaching his full potential in life.

  He always puts me first, and it’s time to stand on my own two feet. We both need to move forward and a good way to start is bringing an end to this odd, codependent friendship.

  Have we always existed only for each other?

  It seems so, but that’s what best friends do for each other. At least, I thought so. I don’t know because I’ve never had another best friend. It’s never posed a problem in the past, before the attack, but I’ve never needed to question it.

  We just worked, and I loved it. I thought Theo did, too. Looking back, it was Theo who always came to my rescue, and it was always me who needed rescuing, and I always leaned on him for that. I always needed him for that because of my love for him.