Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  He’s probing now, and it makes my skin bristle. I keep nothing from him, but I can’t tell him the reason. He knows I’m holding back, but I’m not ready to tell him. Not yet. I can barely admit it to myself.

  I also can’t tell him I want to fuck the memory of that night out of me. He’ll want to come with me and I’m not ready for that, either. I can’t let Theo bear witness to my shame and guilt as I purge myself of that filthy animal.

  “I already told you. I like her, alright? She’s nice and pretty. And she talked to me. Flirted with me. It made me feel like a person again, which I haven’t felt in the two days since the attack. I need to feel bloody normal again instead of feeling like a victim.” It’s a lame excuse, but it might be enough to stop him from probing any further.

  “Okay, Finn. Okay.” With a resigned sigh, he finishes chopping the vegetables. “Just do me a favour, please? Don’t rush into anything. And please don’t shut me out of your life. I know you have things to deal with, but it hurts me when you’re closed off. That’s not how we are.” His voice wavers on the last words, and he spins around, giving me his back.

  I pad up to him and lay a hand on his naked back, rubbing in a slow, soothing motion. He’s hunched over the island, hands gripping the edge of the counter, staring at nothing. Unless the empty countertop is fascinating.

  “I’m trying not to, T, but until I know what’s affecting me the most, how can I tell you?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m worried about you, Sunshine. You’ve no idea how fucking worried I am, but I can’t control your life. You’re a grown man, and you have so much to give someone one day. I only hope I’m still in your life to see it. You deserve someone special; someone who sees you for the remarkable person you are. You shine. Everywhere you go, you shine. You bring light and happiness to everyone around you, me included, and I don’t want to lose that. And I know that if others could see you as I do, they would snatch you away from me in a heartbeat. I love you, Finn.” His voice catches on the last little sentiment as he drops his head. But not before I spot a single tear tracking a path down his cheek.

  “Theo,” I plead, for what, I’m not sure.

  “What time is your date? It’s not polite to keep a lady waiting, you know?” He laughs, still with his back to me.

  I check my phone. “Shit, I have to pick her up in ten minutes. Are you going to be all right? Do you have a date coming over?” I’m worried about him, too. It works both ways.

  “Well, you better be off, then, and have a great time.” He laughs again as he turns around. His eyes are clearer now. “And, no, I have nothing arranged, in case you needed me here. And I will be here, Finn…waiting. But maybe I will call a girl, in the meantime. One of them must be free.”

  “Horny bastard. See you later, man. I love you, too,” I call out behind me as I exit the flat, feeling nervous about my forthcoming date.

  It’s time to get laid on my terms.

  I’ll fuck that sick bastard out of my system if it kills me.

  It’s time to take back my control.

  Chapter 11

  THEO

  Where the fucking hell is he? He could have at least messaged me to let me know he was staying out.

  It’s after three in the morning, and it’s clear he isn’t coming back tonight. I thought he would have brought the girl here. It’s what we do. We either go back to their place together or we bring them back here.

  The urge to stay awake until he’s home safe rides me hard, but I need sleep for work in the morning. I shouldn’t worry. He’s almost thirty years old, for Christ’s sake. I’m being ridiculous. After Friday night, though? It’s justified.

  As I lie here under the covers in my darkened bedroom, I hear the door to the flat open and close, then a muttered shit followed by a loud bang. I jump from my bed and run into the hallway, flicking on the lights, to witness Finn sprawled out on the floor, reeking of booze.

  “Shh…stupid fucking shoes…tripped me up, you tossers.”

  I roll my eyes as I take in his state. His hair is in tousled knots, shirt hanging half out of his jeans and creased to shit. His blazer and belt are missing altogether. He resembles nothing of the smooth, suave, sexy fucker that left earlier. He’s a hot mess. I’ve never seen him this drunk—except for Friday night—but this? This is not what I expected to see tonight.

  “Finn.” I sigh, rubbing my eyes with my thumbs. They burn with the need to sleep. “What the heck? Why are you in this state? Get up off the fucking floor.” I offer him my hand to help him up. He slaps it away, missing his target entirely.

  “Get…fuck off me. Was stupid shh…shoes’ fault.”

  Rolling around on the floor, he gets himself into a crouched position, from which he staggers to his feet. He stands, swaying like a palm tree in the wind, glaring at me with venom in his glassy eyes. To challenge him in this state is a fruitless endeavour.

  Time for the soft approach. “Do you want to sleep in my bed again tonight?” I ask him with an edge of caution in my voice.

  “No…I do not…want to be alone…night,” he slurs as he staggers past me into his room.

  Of course I follow him. “You don’t want to be alone, or you do?”

  “I want…to be alone. Go, Theo. Need sleep.”

  He falls face-first onto his bed, still dressed. In seconds, he’s snoring, while I’m left confused and saddened. I ponder my next course of action. Put him in bed and join him again, or leave him alone like he asked…the decision is difficult for me.

  Before climbing back into bed, I leave both bedroom doors open to listen out for him. The attack was bound to have impacted him—of that I was sure. But I didn’t expect him to not want me around. It’s like he’s a different guy.

  Dinner alone in our flat tonight had been a strange affair. And Finn’s failure to inform me he wouldn’t be there to eat with me was even stranger. Maybe we’re too close. We always knew where the other was, and who with. It had always been that way.

  I need to power down the running commentary in my head and try to get some sleep. I have work in the morning and can’t operate without at least six hours.

  Yeah, who am I kidding? There’s no way I’m sleeping tonight.

  * * *

  Eating toast and reading the paper with gritty eyes the next morning, I look up to see Finn stumble into the kitchen with a loud groan. He looks like shit—like an extra from The Walking Dead.

  Holding his head in his hands and squinting from the sunshine, he flops down in a chair at the other end of the island from me. He’s still in last night’s clothes, and his shoes lie in the middle of the hallway where he fell after taking them off. He rests his elbows on the countertop, still holding his head, with those vibrant blue eyes now closed.

  “Good morning, Dracula. How nice of you to leave your coffin to see me off to work.” I give him a wry smile as I flick my page over.

  He groans and lifts his head. “Oh, God, do you have to? It’s only…” He checks the clock on the oven. “…eight o’clock. I’m still up early, aren’t I?”

  I stop and glare at him. His pissy attitude with me is unacceptable and not in keeping with his character. “Hey, I waited up last night worrying about you. Then you fell through the door at three in the morning, swearing at your shoes for tripping you up, while rolling around on the floor, pissed as fuck. After Friday, I have every right to worry. Anything could have happened to you. Anything, Finn!” I yell and slap my palm on the countertop. “A message was all I was asking for, just to let me know whether you were coming home. Something to reassure me you were okay. Is that too much to ask, huh?”

  His head shoots up, cold eyes glowering at me. “Yes, it is actually. I’m almost thirty bloody years old. I’m not a child, Theo. I can do what I like, when I like. I don’t need permission from my flatmate,” he yells back, then covers his eyes, shielding him from the glare of the sun.

  My chair scrapes along the tiled floor as I stand abruptly. “Flatmate? Is that all I
am now? A fucking flatmate?” I’m furious and hurt by the dismissal. All I want to do is protect him, and still he shuts me out.

  “Theo…that isn’t…I mean, that…”

  “That hurts, man. I know you’re hurting, too, after what happened, but you’re turning that pain onto me, and it’s affecting our relationship.” I rub the tattoo on my chest, hoping to relieve the ache in my heart.

  “Relationship? Oh, you’re funny, mate. What bloody relationship? You sound as if we’re lovers, not friends and flatmates. Get real, Theo. We don’t have a relationship,” he declares using air quotes.

  “So a friendship isn’t a relationship, then? Not even a lifelong friendship like ours?” I say in a low voice, trying to swallow the pain in my throat. He doesn’t answer or look at me. “You know what, Finn? You just do what you have to do to get through this. And I will continue to sit here and worry about you.” My jacket is in my hand before I finish speaking. “I have to go to work. I have a dog to castrate.” My voice croaks at the end, so I put on my jacket as quick as I can, then pick up my keys and wallet and leave the flat.

  FINN

  The hurricane, otherwise known as Theo, storms out, upset with me and my attitude. I drop my forehead onto the countertop and groan. My brain-to-mouth filter is dysfunctional now, and I’m hurting the one person I need the most. Except, I can’t let him help…can’t let him in.

  I drag my weighty body out of the chair and flick the kettle on. Maybe some green tea will sort out this hangover…and lots of sugar and starch. My stomach is churning, while a sledgehammer attempts to rearrange my demented brain using rusty nails.

  I make my tea and take some ibuprofen, then plop down in my window seat next to my trusty old guitar. I stare at it longingly for a while, willing my hands to pick it up and play something, anything, but I can’t make them move. Too many thoughts are bulldozing my brain, and it’s becoming impossible to concentrate.

  Humiliation won’t let me tell Theo that last night had been a catastrophe of epic proportions. A total train wreck. That sick, twisted pervert took everything from me the night he violated me. The essence of who I was, along with my masculinity, vanished in the blink of an eye.

  I was ready to purge him from my system by sleeping with Aimee. I tried to forget what happened, but too many memories assaulted me, too many emotions, which poured ice cold water on the swelling in my pants.

  It was embarrassing as hell, made worse because Aimee was such a sweetheart about the whole debacle and insisted it was fine. She told me she had enjoyed my company and wanted do it again sometime. My dick had shrivelled up like a limp lettuce leaf, and I didn’t know how quick to leave. Even though it was all very cordial, in that polite English way, I ended up finding the nearest bar and getting plastered.

  Good one, Finn. Way to handle a problem. Get steaming drunk.

  I look out the window and blow out the deep breath I’ve been holding. It’s a blustery day. Across the road at the park, people wear long coats and walk their dogs, while the first fallen leaves of the impending new season whip at their ankles. Autumn will soon arrive, along with the dark and dreary days.

  I usually find inspiration from watching the world go by, but I haven’t touched my guitar or songbook since the incident. Not a single, bloody word. I’ve walled myself away from the inside out. Brick by brick, nothing can touch me in my self-built fortress. Only I control who I allow in, and that’s no one except Theo…sometimes.

  He wants me to go to the police. Oh, he hasn’t said so, hasn’t pressured me, but I know that’s what he wants. He’s a natural fixer—a rescuer. It’s who he is, and this is so far above anything he has dealt with before. I know he’s as lost as I am. Two lonely souls lost at sea, clinging to scraps of driftwood to stay alive. Searching for each other among the cold, stormy waves, hoping we both find each other again—our relationship again.

  Relationship.

  He and I have differing opinions of our relationship. We love each other as best friends. He thinks that’s all there is to it. If only he knew. I am so bloody in love with him, I can’t see straight. I need him now more than I ever have, yet I’m pushing him away, rejecting him. I’m hurting him, and it kills me, even though it’s affecting our friendship at a profound level. I’ve always turned to Theo in a crisis, and he always comes to my rescue. Even against his bastard of a father.

  Thwack!

  My head flew to the side in reaction to the slap across the face Theo’s father gifted me. The sound reverberated in my skull and my cheek smarted with the sting of the assault. Even though I couldn’t see it, I knew he had left his handprint there by the severity with which he struck me. Tears pricked the back of my eyes, but I kept them in, determined to show strength. I refused to let him see he'd made me cry. This wouldn’t be a victory for him.

  I glared at him with narrowed eyebrows, vitriol oozing from my pores and headed his way. My lungs screamed for oxygen as adrenalin surged through my veins, and my breathing quickened, but somehow, I held myself together. I pulled my shoulders back and stood straight.

  “I will not tolerate this behaviour in my house. Do you hear me, boy? You will not taint my son with your disgusting perversions. We do not associate with queers or fags, or whatever you like to call yourself these days. Should you persist in such a manner, should I find you in another “predicament” like today, I will not hesitate to throw you and your mother out of this house, and you will have no more contact with my son. Do I make myself clear?” Teddy Worthington spat, pointing his index finger in my face the entire time.

  Teddy Worthington’s tirade came about because he caught me kissing Jack, the young stable hand who helped on Saturdays. At only sixteen years old, we both were still in the experimental stage of our sexuality, and I had yet to kiss another boy, other than Theo.

  Although I knew I was bisexual, I wanted to be sure. Kissing Jack seemed like the obvious choice when he flirted with me and cornered me in the stable block. Neither of us were aware, however, that Mr. Worthington wanted an impromptu ride on his poor old horse, which lived in the same stable we were kissing in. Just my luck.

  “With respect, Mr. Worthington, sir, you are not, nor have you ever been my father. While I am grateful for the employment and home you have given to me and my family, who I kiss is my business. And that’s all we were doing…kissing.”

  “And thank God I am not your father. What an embarrassment you would have been…having a pervert for a son. Every father’s worst nightmare, I tell you. It’s unnatural. It’s depraved, and you will keep your deviance away from my son.”

  “There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone of the same sex. It’s what nature intended, just as nature intended you to be straight. There are many facets to sexuality, sir. Would you like me to enlighten you?” I was pushing my luck with my sarcasm, but I was raging inside.

  He was baiting me though, and I knew it. One wrong move. He was waiting for any excuse to get rid of me, and I would not give him the satisfaction. I had my mother to think about, and Theo. My beloved Theo.

  That earned me another hard slap on the same cheek, this time even harder. Still, I stood my ground and refused to show weakness in front of him. I was sure my cheek would bruise from that second slap, and as much as I wanted to rub it to ease the stinging, I kept my hands by my sides.

  “Don’t fucking test me, boy. I am deadly serious. One wrong move, and I will erase you from my son’s life.”

  “Theo wouldn’t—” He raised his hand again to deliver another blow to my face, but this time, I flinched and moved away. I’d had enough. Before his hand could make contact, however, someone gripped his wrist and halted his movement as they held his hand in the air above my face.

  “Touch him again, Father, and I will fucking end you. I won’t hesitate to call the police. Leave him the fuck alone. Finn isn’t going anywhere, and if he does, then I go with him.”

  Theo looked murderous with rage, and even at sixteen years old,
he towered over his father at six foot three. Mr. Worthington was a mere five foot eleven and probably measured the same around his middle. His pudgy red face contorted with anger as he realised Theo still held his wrist in a tight grip.

  “Let go of me, now, Theodore.” Theo dropped his hand but remained face to face with him. “I found this little pervert with his tongue down the stable boy’s throat, in my horse’s stable, I might add. This is intolerable, I tell you, and I won’t have it. You are not to associate with this queer anymore, Theodore. I forbid it. You are still a minor, and I am your father. You will respect my wishes in my own home.” Mr. Worthington looked like he was about to have a stroke if he didn’t calm down. His face was a deep crimson now, while sweat beaded on his forehead.

  “Whether Finn prefer boys or girls, or both, is no concern of yours. It is no one’s business but his, and I support him in whatever he does. I might only be sixteen, Father, but I have been with Finn all my life. He is my best friend, and that will never change, whether you forbid it or not. We will soon be at university and out of your hair. I’m sure you and Finn can avoid each other until then. If you want me to take over the running of the estate one day, then you will respect my wishes. And stop using derogatory terms for Finn’s sexuality. It doesn’t become you.”

  My mouth dropped open at Theo standing up to his father. He wasn’t one to challenge his authority. Mr. Worthington always had a blackmail plan up his sleeve.

  “Very well, Theodore, but we will revisit this conversation. This is not over, son.”

  Mr. Worthington slithered into his leather office chair, similar to squeezing slime back into its pot. His bulk overflowed the sides as the fittings groaned under the strain. He smoothed his thinning grey hair back over the side of his head, where it had made a bid for freedom during his tantrum.

  “Until the next time, then,” Theo bristled as he ushered me out of his father’s office and up the sweeping staircase into his bedroom.