Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  Boos this time.

  What the hell is he up to?

  “See, sexy fucker Finn here has been keeping a little secret from us.”

  Cue Ooohs this time.

  “Because one of us found Finn’s notebook lying around, all by its little own self on the tour bus, and guess what we discovered?” The chanting gets louder and louder until I can barely hear Mase anymore.

  “We discovered that Foxy Finn, is actually a bloody great songwriter, too. So, we copied one of his songs and practised it without him until we had learned the whole thing.”

  Those sneaky bastards. That’s my private songbook.

  “So, here’s what will happen. Finn will sing it solo, and I’ll be his backing vocals when he needs them. Oh, and in case anyone is interested, this song is the sole property of Finn Tyler, and for one night only, if he’ll allow it, we will have the pleasure of performing it with him.” I nod at Mase through glassy eyes and the sneaky shithead winks.

  I turn to the other two guys and nod my head in silent thanks because any words at that second will come out broken and garbled.

  The band is giving me my moment, in front of all these music executives, to show them my mettle. This is my one shot, and I need to pull out the big guns.

  The song they’ve chosen for me to sing is my most treasured possession. I wrote it the day I left Theo, sitting on a cold park bench, wondering what the hell to do with my life. How could I know it would lead me to this?

  Mase places his mic in the stand and saunters over to me, keeping his voice as low as the noise level will allow.

  “Right, mate, the stage is all yours. This is your time. Make it count,” he says as he slaps me on the back and takes my old spot, picking up his guitar. With my old guitar strapped to my shoulder, I make my way to the mic stand at the front of the stage. The audience cheers and claps louder than ever.

  As I’m adjusting the mic into the right position, my breath falters when I see Theo being ushered near the front of the stage by Smidge, who then gives me a wink and a thumbs-up.

  Devious little minx.

  Theo’s mouth is agape, but his eyes gleam with pride as he regards me from his vantage point straight opposite me.

  Don’t bollocks this up, Finn.

  “Thanks, guys,” I say into the microphone as I look behind me at the band who are smiling, “and thanks, everyone. This is for Theo.”

  A hush falls over the crowd as I play the opening riff to “Together Always.” I glance at a mesmerised and emotional-looking Theo, then I open my mouth and sing:

  We can’t deny it anymore,

  So what the hell are we waiting for?

  We’ve existed for each other for so long

  I’ve tried to hide my feelings ‘cause they’ll say I’m wrong

  But every night I lie in bed with all my thoughts of you.

  You’re my past, my present, my future. You’re in everything I do.

  From the first breath that we took, our souls intertwined

  You give me strength; you give me life, and I need you to be mine.

  Always…

  I want you wrapped up in my arms.

  I want to breathe you in and keep you here with me.

  To have your heart in mine,

  Come on, hold my hand, and run away with me.

  Together. Always…

  Fate’s decided our love will last

  No matter how much time has passed

  I need to surround myself with you

  And make my every dream come true.

  Always…

  I want you wrapped up in my arms.

  I want to breathe you in and keep you here with me.

  To have your heart in mine,

  Come on, hold my hand, and run away with me.

  Together. Always…

  Together, always

  Together, always

  We’ll be forever

  Together, Always

  After playing the closing notes, the audience erupts into cheers and chants my name all over again. I lock gazes with Theo and see tears tracking down his cheeks, which he wipes away with the back of his hand before clapping as hard as everyone else. Then he’s whisked away by Smidge as the band joins me, and we play our final song, then an encore.

  I barely remember that encore, so desperate am I to see Theo. I know this is it; the moment we finally declare to each other what we feel. It’s all out there, in song form, anyway, and there’s no going back. I’ve laid my entire heart and soul on the line in the presence of thousands of people. I can do no more.

  Once we freshen up backstage, those fans with backstage passes come inside to meet the band and get autographs. I rub my hands on my jeans and pace a little, waiting for Theo to enter. As he comes into the room and stops right in front of me, his face blinds me with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

  Fuck, I’m nervous.

  “Finn, I—”

  Before he can finish his sentence, a set of warm lips land on mine, and I flinch. I’d forgotten about Jared being here, as he pulls away, watching me in awe.

  “Babe, you were incredible. You totally nailed it. They worship you. No wonder Mase gave you a shot. I think I’ve just fallen in love with you.” He laughs, putting his arm around me.

  “Uh…Thanks, Jared. It was a great crowd tonight, a good atmosphere.” I move to the side, so his arm drops from my shoulder.

  “It wasn’t the audience, Finn. It was all you, babe. That voice of yours…” He sighs, wonderment etched on his handsome face.

  “Thanks. Would you, uh, excuse me for a moment? There’s someone I need to speak to.”

  “You mean that guy that was just here?” He points to where Theo had been standing.

  He’s gone.

  Disappointment surges through me.

  “He left a few minutes ago. I think he had his eye on you, but after he saw me kiss you, he left.” I want to wipe that bloody smug grin off his face for chasing Theo away.

  “That guy was Theo. Is that why you kissed me in front of him, Jared? To claim me? I’m not a bloody possession, Jesus.” I pack up my things and head to the bar where the band is mingling with groupies. I need a drink…a strong one.

  “Two shots of tequila, please, Wendy,” I say to the cute redhead. She places my drinks in front of me.

  Jared follows, hot on my heels. “I’m sorry, Finn. I know you’re not. But I like you, and after that performance, every guy and girl in here wants you.”

  I spin around on my heels before him, my fists clenching at my sides.

  “Look, Jared,” I tell him, calmer than I feel. “I don’t like jealousy in a person. It’s not attractive to me, and in this line of work, I’ll always be around lots of people. I’m a loyal guy. I don’t cheat, but if you don’t get that about me, then we’re done. I don’t have time for this right now.”

  “Okay, okay, look…please let me try again…let me take you out again tomorrow night. We’ve been having fun, haven’t we?” he pleads.

  Fuck, I need to talk to Theo. I don’t have time for this.

  “I’ll let you know when I’ve cooled down. I need to talk to Theo after we’re done with the fans.” I turn around and order more shots.

  “So, you’re not coming home with me tonight?”

  Bloody hell.

  “Jared, I really need to talk to Theo,” I tell him with a defiant glare.

  “Well, Theo already left, and I’m still here, Finn. We can’t go anywhere yet until the band finishes here. May as well have more drinks.”

  What the hell do I do now? Do I go home and talk to Theo, or go home with Jared? Bloody decisions.

  God, I’m torturing myself, and my defunct dick is getting hard at the thought of my best friend. Looks like it only wants Theo. Although Jared and I have been dating, we’ve done nothing more than kissing. I don’t even want to.

  To further complicate matters, I reach for my phone when Jared excuses himself for the bathroom. I still haven’t liste
ned to the Bryan Adams song Theo recommended last night, and now is my chance. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself last night.

  I pull up YouTube, but before I can listen to it, Jared returns and orders us more drinks. Now more relaxed from the tequila I’ve already consumed, I send a quick text to Theo.

  Finn: I’m coming over to talk. Be there in an hour, after I’m done here.

  There’s no way I’ll listen to the song with Jared around.

  Looks like it will have to wait until I’m alone.

  Chapter 20

  THEO

  My chest flutters like a hummingbird’s wings with the excitement of Finn coming home. Only to talk, yes, but he’s still coming here. He’s giving me a chance to tell him true feelings.

  He was phenomenal tonight. He enchanted me until I was spellbound. When he sang me the song he wrote, I fell head to toe in love with him all over again. I wanted to jump on the stage and claim his as mine.

  Despite the full stadium, there was only Finn up there, in the spotlight, and me in the audience.

  After the gig was over, I waited backstage until the fans congratulated him but as I approached him, a young guy, around mid-twenties, made a beeline for him. Before I could even blink, he planted a kiss on Finn’s lips and threw his arms around him. My heart stopped beating in my chest. I lost the ability to respire as Finn smiled at the guy, and I heard every word of their conversation. The young guy referred to him as babe.

  Fuck, I was too late. I left it too long. Finn looked happy. Who was I to come between them? I couldn’t do it.

  Like the coward I am, I slipped through a side door and caught a cab home. He’d found someone he deserved, just like I wanted for him. I felt sick to my stomach. It was stupid to think he’d wait for me. He thought he didn’t stand a chance because I was straight.

  My phone pings with an incoming message. I’m startled to see it’s from Finn.

  Finn: I’m coming over to talk. Be there in an hour after I’m done here.

  So, here I am, waiting for the love of my life, the other piece of my heart, to turn up and talk to me. My nerves are buzzing in anticipation. I didn’t expect him to come over tonight, so I’m unprepared. I’m just going to be one hundred percent honest with him about how I feel.

  Pacing the living room floor in my bare feet, I wonder if I should put on a shirt. Before I have time to move, the doorbell rings.

  Okay, he’s here. Stay calm, Theo. Don’t rush him. Why didn’t he use his key?

  Rushing to the door, I fling it open…to see Thalia standing there.

  “Thalia, what the fuck are you doing here? It’s late, and I’m expecting company.” I’m not telling her it’s Finn. I want her out of here.

  “Theo, I missed you, honey. Where have you been?” she slurs, obviously drunk. The alcohol fumes are enough to knock me out.

  Without waiting for an answer, she barges through the door and jumps on me, clinging to me like an octopus on crack. She pulls my head toward her and kisses the face off me, deep throating me with her tongue. No matter how hard I try, I cannot extricate her from my mouth or body. Her thighs lock around my hips, and her hands hold my head still. Jesus, this girl is athletic.

  Out of my peripheral vision, I note we’re being watched, while I fervently try to prise her off me. It’s Finn, and he isn’t alone. He’s with the guy from the concert…the guy who kissed him. My stomach bottoms out and falls through the floor as I wrestle with Thalia.

  “Mmph…” I mumble, trying to speak past her tongue. I manage to detach my lips when she comes up for air.

  “Finn, it’s not…” The anguished expression on Finn’s face tells me he’s devastated. Thalia finally catches him standing there, viewing us with glassy eyes.

  “Hey, Finn, honey. Theo and I were just having a little date. You and your friend wanna join us?” I struggle to disengage her legs from around my waist.

  “No, Thalia, we don’t want to join you and Theo, fucking. At least call it what it is. Theo doesn’t date. He never has,” Finn utters, his tone laced with scorn. “Is this why you wanted to talk to me last night, Theo? Are you and Thalia a regular thing now? You could have told me over the phone.”

  I finally manage to unravel myself from Thalia and turn to Finn, who is standing next to Jared.

  “Look, Finn, please—"

  “It’s okay, Theo. Don’t explain any fucking further. I’ll pack up some of my things and get out of your way. We’ll leave in the morning.” He follows the hallway into the lounge, Jared skulking after him.

  I grab Thalia by her arm and hustle her out of the open door into the corridor.

  “Thalia, do not come back here. It’s over. There will be no more hookups, dates, or fucking, from now on. I’m unavailable, so please go home.”

  She looks up and glares at me through her false eyelashes. “Fine. You’ve got a small dick, anyway. I was just using you until someone better came along,” she huffs, as she sashays away from the flat and out my life.

  I close the door and lean against it for the support I need. Now to do some damage control.

  Walking into the living room, I find Jared sitting on the couch and Finn looking at the photographs of the two of us over the years. Some are in frames and dotted around the furniture, some are on the walls, like our graduation pictures. He looks at one, a sad smile marring his lovely face.

  “You took this one the night of Violet’s party,” he mumbles, placing it back on the side table. It was the one I took with beer dripping from his nose. I scrutinise him from the entryway, waiting.

  “I’ll never forget that night,” he continues. “It was a night of firsts for me. The first party we went to, the first time we drank alcohol, the first time I ever kissed a guy…” He turns to me then. “The very first time I got a hard-on for another man and realised I was bisexual.”

  He looks up at me with an impassioned stare, and my heart constricts. Then, he drops his voice to a hoarse whisper. “It was also the first time I realised I was in love with my best friend.”

  Finn stands facing me a few feet away. I look at him…really look at him…hating the uncertainty in his eyes.

  “Of course, you never knew. I would never have told you. I knew how straight you were. You were always kissing girls. Never boys. I was the lucky one.” He smiles, touching his fingertips to his mouth as he remembers our kiss.

  “I could never tell you, Theo. Never. It was the only secret I ever kept from you. I told you everything else. You knew everything else about me but never that. I just kept it hidden, secretly hoping that one day you might want me back.”

  He snorts, as if the idea is ludicrous.

  I’m aware of Jared fiddling with his phone. He must feel awkward as hell.

  “Why did you never tell me, Finn? All that time…all those years?” I move a little closer, itching to touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin.

  He clasps his hands behind his head. “And what would have happened, Theo? What would it have achieved? A broken friendship? I would rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all.” He moves a little closer to me, pleading with his eyes for me to understand. I can smell the tequila on his breath.

  “So, why did you leave weeks ago…if you wanted our friendship, why did you leave me, Finn?” I croak, suppressing the swirl of emotions that are torturing me inside.

  He locks his gorgeous cobalt blues with mine, a lifetime of pain reflecting at me. “Because I was a bastard to you, alright? I said some shitty things I didn’t even mean. Then, I heard you ask Thalia out on a date, and it was the final straw. I couldn’t be around you anymore…wanting you so bad, loving you so much, and not being able to have you. It was fucking torture, Theo.” His beautiful eyes shimmer, and all I want is to pull him into my arms and hold him tight. But we must resolve this to move forward.

  I close the remaining distance until our lips are within touching distance. It’s now or never.

  “Finn, I—"

 
“Anyway, none of it matters now. You have Thalia, and I have Jared. We’ve been dating for almost two weeks now, and it’s going well,” he blurts out, gesturing to the young man trying to make himself invisible on the sofa, as he steps back a little.

  Jared looks up in surprise, but before he can open his mouth, I interrupt. “Finn, I’m not dating Thalia. I never was. I stood her up for the date you heard me arrange, and tonight was the first time I’ve laid eyes on her since we were both at her flat with Ivan. She won’t take no for an answer. I thought it was you when the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, she jumped me. I was trying to prise her off when you turned up. You know how clingy she is,” I yammer, desperate for him to understand. “I haven’t been with anyone since that night.”

  “She had her tongue down your throat when I walked in, Theo,” he says matter-of-factly, as he walks into the kitchen to grab two bottles of water.

  I follow him, needing to explain.

  “You know what she’s like, Finn. That woman could force her tongue down the Pope’s throat before he could say ‘bless you, my child.’”

  His lips twitch at the corners as he holds in a smirk, those fucking dimples reminding me how handsome he is.

  “Unfortunately, yes. I’ve been on the receiving end of her tongue in the past, and you’re right. She is hard to remove once she’s attached.”

  “See? I promise, Finn, it wasn’t how it looked. I need you to know that.”

  He takes a drink of water and passes the other to Jared, his eyes narrowing as he studies me.

  “Why do you feel the need to explain to me, Theo? You’re a grown man and a free agent. You can do what you like.” He places his water bottle on the countertop and steps closer to me, locking his gaze with mine.

  I can smell his masculine scent from where he stands, all uniquely Finn, and I want to breathe him in and devour him. I can feel my groin tightening as my stomach somersaults.

  “Did you listen to the song? The Bryan Adams song,” I whisper, dropping my eyes to his lips. His tongue flicks out to lick them, and I groan deep within.