Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

The neatly trimmed beard he’s grown while he’s been away, I didn’t have time to appreciate last night. If I imagined he couldn’t look any more ravishing, I was wrong.

  He closes the door slowly, mouth curved upward, and leans back against it. I stand, watching him, with my hands in my pockets to prevent me from grabbing him. Grinning, he bites his bottom lip as his eyes skim my profile.

  My thread of resistance snaps.

  In two steps, I close the distance, drag him against me and wrap my arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck as I inhale his very essence.

  Finn is my oxygen.

  He throws his arms around my neck and nuzzles me back, kissing my neck with tender lips as he smells me. We hug each other tight in the closed doorway, like we’re the only two people in the world.

  Finn and Theo; Theo and Finn.

  I don’t know how long we stand there taking comfort in each other’s embrace.

  But I break first, whispering in his ear. “I fucking missed you, Sunshine. You don’t understand how much. It’s like I’d stopped breathing without you here.”

  He draws his head back and cradles my face in his palms. “I missed you, too, and I’m here now. I’m not leaving again. My home is wherever you are, Theo. It always has been.”

  His eyes fall to my lips, and I know he wants to kiss me…I hope he wants to kiss me. Before he can reach my mouth, I grab his hand and haul him into the coat cupboard, shutting the door. Engulfed in darkness, I slip my arms around Finn’s waist and hold him against my needy body.

  “Theo, why are we in our coat cupboard?” his voice whispers over my lips, and I shudder.

  “I told you last night I wanted a repeat of our first kiss. Well, here we are in the cupboard, in the dark.”

  His accelerated breaths are the only sound and my pulse skitters with the burst of adrenalin it triggers. I don’t need to see him to know where his mouth is. I’m instinctively drawn to it.

  With a brush of my lips over his, I capture his bottom lip and inhale deeply. He smells amazing. My whole body trembles with suppressed need.

  Finn slides his arms around my neck and kisses me back, sucking on my top lip before he slips his tongue inside, searching for mine. Desire slams into me, surging like a tsunami and centring in my pants. I thrust my pelvis and push him against the wall, as I angle my head, deepening the kiss.

  We both groan, my hands roaming the muscles of his back, down to his hips, and settling on his arse. I pull him against my erection, while his hands twist in my hair, demanding to bring our faces even closer.

  Our breathing ramps up at breakneck speed, the heat and scent of him spinning me giddy with lust. We grind our hips together, and Finn throws his head back so I can kiss my way down his neck, nipping and sucking on the curve of his shoulder.

  Finn moans louder and pushes harder against me, lost in his own passion. He tilts his head, while I kiss my way back up his neck, along his stubbled jaw, to nibble his earlobe.

  “Theo…fuck, don’t stop,” he gasps.

  It takes a huge amount of restraint, but I pull back and drop my forehead to his, breathing in rapid gasps as I struggle to control my libido. My hands drift to either side of his neck, and I caress his heated cheeks with my thumbs. His hands circle my wrists, aware I’m putting on the breaks.

  “Finn, we need to stop, at least for now. We need to talk first. There’re some things I need to say to you before we go any further.”

  I feel him nod against my forehead.

  “Okay, we’ll talk. I got carried away, sorry,” he murmurs with a small, embarrassed chuckle.

  “So did I. Do you know how painful it is to pull away from you, when all I crave is to wrap myself up in you and stay like that?” A tiny intake of breath; my admission has shocked the hell out of him.

  I push my hips into his. “This is what you do to me. You, Sunshine.”

  He presses back against me, once, letting me feel his own arousal, then concedes.

  “Okay, let’s go talk.”

  We open the cupboard door and tumble out, laughing as we trip over shoes and each other. I stand and help Finn up, leading him into the lounge by the hand and dragging him onto the sofa. I brush his hair back with my fingers as I peer into that handsome face, a beautiful smile lighting him up. A million butterflies flap their wings in my stomach, and my heart overflows.

  “There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t know where to start,” I rush out, my voice quivering a little.

  He kisses me hard, and I melt.

  “Just tell me what made you change your mind about us. I need to know, Theo. I need to be positive that what you’re feeling isn’t only because I took off and you missed your best friend.”

  I know he’s insecure. I would be, too, in his shoes, and Finn is a worrier by nature. I link our fingers and squeeze his hand in reassurance.

  “It started at Violet’s party when we had our first—”

  He interrupts, jaw slack with shock. “All this time? All those years we’ve wasted…” Finn trails off, looking gutted. He drops his gaze to the floor.

  I tug his grip to urge him to look at me again. “No, Finn, we didn’t waste them because I didn’t realise what it meant back then. When we kissed at the party, it was the first real kiss I’d had that made me feel something. It was everything I imagined a kiss should feel like and…it turned me on.” My face flushes scarlet as I finally admit my secret attraction to him.

  Finn graces me with an impish grin. “I noticed how turned on you were, Theo. I could feel it against my hip.”

  “Oh my God. I hoped I got away with it. I felt like such a bloody twat. I put it down to teenage hormones at the time,” I mutter, shaking my head. My idiocy knows no bounds.

  “I was just as turned on, T. That’s the night I realised I had it bad for you. It was just as embarrassing for me.” His cheeks pink, and I chuckle at the absurdity of it all.

  “Well, what I realised not long after was that I had a crush on you, too, except I knew we could never be. Teddy would have made our lives impossible. Then there was all those women…and I knew I wasn’t deserving of you. I often remembered that kiss, though, and how nothing since has ever compared to it,” I confess, as I search his eyes.

  He takes his plump bottom lip in his teeth, and I stifle a groan.

  “Then you dedicated those songs to me at open mic night, about our friendship, and it floored me. It was the first time you had ever dedicated your songs, and they were for me…it blew me away, Sunshine. I felt something more, but didn’t realise what. A funny feeling, you know. But nice, warm. Like something had clicked into place. Something had always been missing in my life, but that night, it connected. We connected.

  “That night at BombShell, right before I stormed out, it hit me square in the face. I realised I had these feelings for you that were stronger, and it scared the fuck out of me. I even felt it dancing with you. After I got you home and realised what happened to you, I was fucking destroyed, Finn. I wished it had happened to me instead. I wanted to take it all away from you so you wouldn’t have to bear the burden.”

  His eyes fill with tears as I rip open my heart and spill it at his feet.

  “I wanted to be the one you turned to, who helped you through it and to be your rock. Then there were times we seemed to share these little moments. Little glances, touches, or little flirtations. I figured I was reading into things too much, so I shrugged them off, but there were also times when you made me aroused. I was so confused, and I felt like shit. I mean, what sort of arsehole gets horny over his best friend after he…” I take a sharp breath, skipping the word we both don’t want to hear. “The guilt and shame ate me up, Finn.” My voice cracks, and a lone tear falls down my cheek. Finn wipes it away with the back of his hand.

  “Don’t feel that way, Theo. Please don’t. I felt the same way. I felt all of those moments you speak of and thought I had imagined them, too. That’s one reason I left. My feelings were becoming unbearable. I had
to learn to move on from you if our friendship had any chance of surviving, and that meant standing on my own two feet. I was also treating you like crap, and I didn’t like myself very much,” he professes, and my chest tightens in pain.

  “I was so fucking angry at you for leaving me at first, Sunshine. I thought you hadn’t said goodbye to me until I found your letter. It had fallen on the floor and slipped under the counter. I was a damn mess. I can’t even tell you how bad I felt. There are no words. For the first week, I drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t wash, dress, or eat. Dan and Romeo intervened and helped me through it. All I did was lie on my bed, clutching your letter and pillow to my chest, listening to that playlist over and over again.”

  “You hugged my pillow?” Finn whispers in surprise as his own tears spill. I nod and swipe at his face with my thumbs.

  “I could smell your scent on your pillow, and I was aware then that I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore—I didn’t want to. I wanted you. Wanted to be with you intimately.” Finn smiles like the sun has come out after a storm.

  I hold the sides of his neck to secure his gaze. “The only thing I’m unsure about, Finn, apart from my father finding out, is my inability to commit. I’ve never had a relationship before, neither of us has, and I’m worried as hell that I’ll hurt you. But I also realised something else. We’ve been in a committed relationship to each other all of our lives, just without the sex part.” I grin, and so does he as he holds my wrists, nodding.

  “So, I want to give this thing a shot…us, I mean. We’re already two-thirds of the way there, so what do you say, Finn? Are you in?” I’m on tenterhooks as his smile widens, and he nods like crazy.

  “Yes, yes, and fucking yes. I’m in all the way. I want to do this, too. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and if we don’t try, then we’ll always wonder if we would have made it.” I kiss him then, hard, before pulling back to look in his stunning blue eyes once again.

  “Finn, I—”

  The Jaws theme tune swims through the room. Finn and I glance at each other and roll our eyes as I pull my phone from my pocket.

  “Hello, Mother.” I smirk at Finn as I put her on speakerphone.

  “Darling, where have you been hiding? It’s been weeks since we’ve seen you boys,” she grouses endearingly. I can’t hold it against her. My mother might seem like she has a stick up her arse most of the time, but she’s a wonderful mother, and I love her very much.

  I look at Finn, who’s gone still, and I see the look of reproach on his face. He blames himself. I take his hand again and link his fingers with mine, pulling him closer.

  “I do apologise, Mother, we have both been so busy with work of late. Besides, you haven’t been long back yourselves. I hope you and Rose enjoyed Europe.”

  Rose is Finn’s mother and my mother’s housekeeper. Since they both spend all their time alone, however, Rose has moved into the main house and become an excellent companion and best friend to my mother. We affectionately call them mother hens because of their clucky, maternal behaviour.

  “Hello, Eleanor. I hope you are well. Is my mother with you?” Finn asks, knowing full well they’ll both be on speakerphone, too.

  “Finlay, darling, why yes, she’s right here. Speak to your son, Rose, dear.”

  Rose’s sweet, gentle timbre flows through the room. “Finlay, sweetheart, are you okay? Are you okay, Theodore? We thought you had moved to the moon, boys.”

  “Didn’t you get my messages?” I sent a few texts informing them we were both okay but busy, and that we’d call when we could.

  “Of course we received your messages, darling, but we do like to hear and see you sometimes, too,” my mother scolds.

  Finn and I look at each other and chuckle in silence.

  “Why don’t we come for a visit next weekend?” Finn suggests, and my eyes widen. “Theo has some time off in the run up to Christmas, so we can spare a couple of days.”

  “Oh, that would be wonderful, Finlay, dear. Your mother and I would be thrilled to see you both. It’s been too long to be away from your family. If you lived nearer, I’m sure we would—”

  “Yes, Mother.” I interrupt her diatribe before she goes off on a tangent. “We know we would see you both more often, but we both have jobs here now. Like Finn said, we’ll drive up next weekend and visit with you. It would actually be nice to escape to the country for a couple of days.”

  “Excellent. We can’t wait to see you both, can we, Eleanor?” Rose asks my mother, who is pouting no doubt.

  “Of course. Remember, we love you both and drive safe. It’s not you we don’t trust. It’s other road users. You know how dangerous—”

  “Yes, we love you both, too. See you next week,” Finn cuts her off mid-sentence before we receive our usual lecture on road safety.

  “Bye, my darlings.”

  We bid our mothers goodbye and end the call, wondering why the hell we’ve just agreed to visit next weekend after everything that’s happened.

  Finn turns to me. “I know you probably don’t want to go just yet, but I guess you’re right. A break to the country will be good for us, and we do need to fit in a visit before Christmas. I can sneak into your room like old times…”

  He’s a persuasive fucker when he wants to be.

  “Yeah, two birds, one stone, and all that. It’ll make them happy. As long as the old man isn’t home. It’s too soon to face that shit storm just yet.” Or the fact that I have to get out of this arrangement.

  Finn pecks at my lips briefly. “Let’s go lie down in your room and watch a movie,” he suggests with a wink.

  “Why, Finlay, are you trying to seduce me already?” I joke as he yanks me to my feet and along to my room.

  “Actually, I wasn’t. I just want to lie with you. I need to hold you for a while and let this all sink in,” Finn says as his face flushes.

  Nerves dance in my lower belly as we enter my bedroom and lie on the bed. I’ve waited forever for this one moment, and now it’s here, I’m shaking like a leaf.

  What the hell is he doing to me?

  Chapter 23

  FINN

  We lie on Theo’s bed, facing each other. I can smell his sandalwood scent, and it grounds me straight away.

  I’m nervous after last night in case Theo changes his mind. It isn’t about sex. I don’t care if we never have sex, but I need to be intimate with him, be in a relationship with him. I want to hold him and kiss him, even if he never wants more.

  But I hope he wants more.

  He told me he did, and it was obvious I turned him on when we were kissing, but going further is a huge step for a straight man. My head is all over the place and insecurity is knocking on my door with a giant gavel. I also feel alive, though. My whole body is buzzing with the adrenalin rush, and I wonder what the next step in our relationship will be.

  Instead of watching a movie, Theo switches on his iPod and selects the playlist I left for him. I turn to jelly as he lies opposite me, gazing into my eyes as though I’m a figment of his imagination; like he can’t believe I’m here. Well, I suppose I almost wasn’t.

  “I thought you would never be in this bed again…” He pushes my curls off my forehead in a tender display of affection. “It was the worst pain, Finn. It was unbearable without you. It was like a part of me died. It hurt my heart, so fucking badly.” His voice breaks at the end, and tears prick the back of my eyes.

  “Will you tell me what was going on? Where were you going every night? I don’t want to fight with you, so if you aren’t ready to tell me, that’s okay. I just need to understand…why all the women? The dating?” he asks this with trepidation. He’s waiting for me to freak out on him.

  “I didn’t sleep with those women…any of them. I took ecstasy and drank a hell of a lot, but I didn’t sleep with anyone, Theo. Not one person since the incident.”

  I still can’t say rape.

  I’m trembling with the memory, my eyes glassy. “After the assault, all I could
see when I closed my eyes was him. I needed him out of my head, so I thought if I hooked up with a girl and had sex, it would erase him, or help at least. Seems I wrong about that.

  “My first date was good. I didn’t tell you where I was going because I knew you would worry about my methods, and it embarrassed me. We ate, had a couple glasses of wine and continued back to her place. She was gorgeous, and I fancied her, so I thought, ‘no problem’…except there was a problem. A very humiliating problem. I…I couldn’t get a bloody erection, T, not even a damn semi. The more I worried about it, the worse it got…”

  “Hey, it’s okay, Sunshine. Take your time. I’m here, always. I got you.” He holds my free hand and squeezes. I squeeze back and hold on.

  With a shaky breath, I continue. “Every time we kissed, or she tried to touch me, all I could see was his face, feel him behind me, hear his voice. She was gracious about the whole thing. I apologised and blamed it on the alcohol. She reassured me it would be better next time, but I couldn’t face her again. So, that night, instead of coming home, I found the nearest bar and got shit-faced.

  “I thought maybe I needed someone prettier, or smarter, or funnier, so every night I searched for the perfect girl. But every time things got intimate, the same thing happened, and I ended up alone and drunk…” I have a tight grip of his hand and he holds me steady, like an anchor. I swallow hard around the golf ball in my larynx.

  “I remembered a guy at uni telling me that ecstasy made you horny. I hoped it might work for me. I was desperate, Theo, to block out my memories of that night. Only alcohol did that and only if I drank enough. It stopped the nightmares. Ecstasy was always passed around in the bars. It was easy to get.

  “The first time I took it, I was expecting it to be the answer. It wasn’t. It did fuck all except make me wired. That’s when I started staying out the whole night…flirting with girls, dancing. If I tapped a girl, I didn’t bother going to her place anymore. I just went to the toilets. I’ve never fucked in a toilet in my life. It was a new low for me.