“From now on, I’m your family. The sooner you put these people out of your mind, the easier it will be.”
This time, I yank my arms down and the reprieve of my arms being free tingles.
“I’ll make you a deal, let them go and I’ll go with you. I’ll divorce JJ and wear your ring if that’s what you want. I’ll do anything you ask.”
The words lodge in my throat and bile threatens to make an appearance. I hate myself for saying them. If JJ were here and he heard me, it’d break his heart.
His fingers grip around the back of my neck and he pulls me so close to his face I can feel his breath on my skin.
“I’m making no such deals. People have to pay for their actions and this club will pay for my brother. I don’t need you to offer me bargaining chips, I’ll have you anyway. Mind, body and soul.”
He slams his mouth onto mine and I curl my lips under my teeth. He wants to take so much from me, but he won’t have my kisses.
“You will love me, Harper, and you won’t defy me.”
Oh yes, I will. I’ll defy him, I won’t love him, he’ll have nothing from me. Love doesn’t come easy to me and the only one who will always have my love is my husband.
* * *
Pressure lands on my shoulder and when I open my eyes, JJ is standing next to me, in only his boxers. Ellis and that night fades from my sight but the feel of him lingers on me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his face marred with concern.
I shake off the memory and smile. “Nothing.”
“You spaced out, babe. Where did you go?”
“Go?” I laugh and move away from him. “I’m right here.”
“Come back to bed, I’m not done with you.” He winks as his smile grows dirty and inviting but my chest is tightening and the thought of going back to bed fills me with dread. Having him touch me while Ellis fills my head is just wrong.
“I’ve got chores and laundry to do.” They’re the only two excuses I can think of to get out of this room. He takes in the room and then the measly pile of clothes bundled in my arms.
“What laundry? The place is the cleanest it’s ever been.”
“That’s because I keep up with the chores,” I say and leave the room.
I jog down the stairs and close myself in the laundry room. Dumping the basket on top of the washer, I brace my hands on the dryer and lean over. I can’t breathe. I can’t draw enough air to stop my lungs from burning and it hurts. That fucking gun fills my mind and a tear falls down my cheek. My chest tightens even more, and I slip down onto my knees to the floor. Come on, Harper, breathe. I remember the techniques Dr Willis taught me, but it only reminds me of Ellis, of how he blackmailed her so he could get close to me at Blue Waters.
My head is spinning, and little black dots fill my vision. Come on, breathe. He’s not here anymore, he can’t hurt you, he can’t hurt anyone else. Come on. You’re here, you have JJ, you have people around you, you’re alive, you’re safe.
I chant all the good things in my life over and over and it begins to help. I fall onto my ass and bring my knees up to my chin. I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my head on my knees so I’m looking down at the floor.
My tears are warm as they flow like a stream. I continue to steady my breathing pattern and bang the back of my head against the dryer. This is bullshit. I felt really good last night and now I may as well be back in that room with Ellis.
The old water tank starts to come alive and then I hear running water. Jay must be taking a shower. Swiping my sleeve over my eyes, I dry the tears and pull myself up. Grabbing the detergent from the shelf, I push out everything negative and focus on the laundry. That’s the way to go, keep busy.
JJ
I had hoped taking a shower would take the edge off what Harper wouldn’t help me relieve earlier. As I dress for the day, I can’t help the sinking feeling in my gut when I think of my wife. One minute she’s okay and with me here in the present, and then she’s somewhere else mentally and shies away from me when I try to help. Ellis warned me this would happen, I plunged the knife into him after he said she would think about him, that something would set her off and take her back to him. The fucker was right. I know that’s where she went to before she ran out to do the laundry, I just don’t know what set it off. I need to work out what triggers her and maybe I can hide them and that will help her.
I wander through the house and she’s nowhere to be found. The back yard is empty, my heart pounding, I go to the front window and see if her car is still here. It is and she’s on all fours, digging out the flower garden by the porch.
The coffee machine purrs as I backtrack to the kitchen and pour myself a full mug and grab my cigarettes and make my way out the front door. I plop my ass on the top step and take a sip of my coffee before setting it down and lighting a smoke.
She doesn’t say anything, nor does she look at me. Her eyes are red but dry and I roll my bottom lip between my teeth not asking what caused her to cry.
“What are you doing?” I ask instead.
“The gardening,” she says.
“I didn’t realise you were green fingered.”
She doesn’t stop and she doesn’t answer me. She works tirelessly, digging and pulling out weeds.
“I can have a couple of prospects here within an hour to do this for you,” I tell her, hoping she’ll agree and come inside.
“It’s our home, I’ll do it,” she says, barely looking at me. “You should go to the club, you might be needed.”
If that was the case, someone would have called me in. She’s trying to get rid of me and I don’t like it. Not one fucking bit.
“I hate you won’t talk to me, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not going anywhere, so get used to it.”
Her eyes cut to mine and they hold so much sadness I can’t take it.
“Okay,” she whispers and returns to the flower beds. “I’m going to head to the garden centre later and pick out some nice flowers. The place could do with brightening up.”
“I’ll come with you.”
This earns me a cocked brow and twenty seconds of scrutinising.
“Really? You’re going to walk around and pick out roses?”
“It’s what you want to do, so yeah.”
She keeps on surprising me when she shouldn’t. It’s been clear since I met her that she wants the whole family thing for herself. The guy, a house, but not the kids. That I can live with. I suppose it wouldn’t be all bad coming home to a nice place.
I dig out my phone and spin off a message to Cas. If I’m going to help her, she’s going to need more than me surrounding her. His reply comes back instantly. Fuck, he must have been sitting on his phone.
‘Can you make it for dinner tonight, if so, can Lana bring dinner?’
‘Is Harper okay?’
I chuckle to myself. At least he’s not stupid, thinking I’m doing the whole dinner thing for fun.
‘No.’
Harper wanted a relationship with him, he proved to her he would do anything for her, I’m just hoping he can help settle her conscience and she’ll let him.
‘We’ll be there.’
“Do you have to go?”
Looking up, she’s staring straight at me and then nods at the phone in my hand.
“No, I…um, it’s nothing. So, get cleaned up and we’ll go.”
I head back into the house and make sure I have enough cash for whatever she wants. Coming up behind me, she wraps her arms around my waist and presses the side of her head to my back.
“I was thinking about a bench.”
A bench?
“Yeah?”
“Hmm mmm, and when the front yard is done, we can sort the back yard out. Buy a bar-be-que, some furniture, we could have cookouts and sit out there in the evenings with a beer. It’ll be nice.”
“Whatever you want, babe.”
Three hours.
Three hours of my life I’m not getting back walking around
the garden centre.
I’d do anything for this woman, but I didn’t for one second think she’d take that long walking around for a bunch of flowers. We returned home with flowers, bulbs, watering cans, and bags of compost. I pushed the cart around for her and didn’t moan once. I was bored shitless, there are too many types of flowers in this world and I had to drag her away when she got it into her head she wanted to start growing our food when she saw the greenhouses for sale.
One thing at a time. By the time Cas and Lana arrive, we’re both fresh out the shower from being covered in dirt handling the pots and plants and Harper is vacuuming for the second time today. I head out and help with the trays and bowls of food.
“Thanks for this.”
“How is she?” Cas asks.
How can I explain when I don’t understand myself? One minute she’s fine and the next she’s spacing out and running out the room. I guess I want someone else to see her so I’m not imagining it or making things out to be worse than they are.
“You’ll see for yourself when you step inside,” I choose to say instead.
Alannah stays suspiciously quiet and walks up in front of us. “What’s going on?” Cas asks quietly.
“Just when I think she can get over this, she doesn’t. One minute she doesn’t want me leaving her, then the next, she’s telling me to go to the club. I can’t get through to her, I’m hoping you can help.”
He frowns, the lines on his forehead sinking deep, but I notice he’s looking so much better than he has done in previous months.
“I’ll try.”
We step inside and Harper is putting the vacuum away. She catches sight of the food and stills.
“What’s all this?” she asks, her eyes darting to each one of us.
“Alannah made dinner for us,” I tell her.
“I would’ve cooked, I can cook,” she says, straight on the defensive.
“I made far too much for Cas and me, so we brought it over. Hope you’re hungry.” Alannah cuts in but it does nothing to relax my wife.
I unload the food in the kitchen and Alannah takes over unwrapping it all. Harper stays in the doorway watching her carefully.
“I can cook. I’ll make a desert.”
Crossing the room, I cup my hands around her cheeks and press my lips to her forehead softly.
“Relax, you’ve been hard at it today, sit down and take the weight off.”
She joins Cas at the table, and someone knocks at the front door.
“I’ll get it.”
Heading down the hall I see two figures through the glass, swinging the door open, my parents are here, and mom is holding a dish with a towel covering the top.
“Alannah called; said we’re having dinner here tonight. I brought dessert.”
It smells good as they walk in past me and I lean against the door after closing it for a beat. I’m grateful they’re here, but it doesn’t feel like such a good idea having people over now.
I guess correctly when I join everyone in the kitchen. Harper looks so small and lost with the newly arrived guests. She’s focused on the dish in my mom’s hands, she doesn’t look back at me when I look at her. There goes her dessert she was going to make.
The table is set quickly, and I bring in two extra chairs from the back yard. Me and dad are stuck sat on the rickety fucking things and beers are passed around. Alannah serves her casserole and fresh bread and I keep one hand on Harper’s thigh while I eat. It tastes good, and if nothing useful happens this evening, at least my stomach is full with delicious food.
Everyone’s eating but Harper, she picks at her food, pushing it around her plate more than anything.
“Out front looks lovely, you’ve been busy,” Mom offers when nothing is being said. Cas watches her closely, he too picking at his food. I guess his appetite isn’t back to normal quite yet.
Harper doesn’t speak and she doesn’t smile. She nods stiffly and looks back down at her food.
“Harper had me walking around the garden centre all afternoon, but it looks good now, it was worth it,” I add to fill the silence.
Silence resumes and the sounds of people eating is driving through me like a knife.
“So, how have you been keeping, Harper?” Alannah asks and all eyes point to my wife.
“Good, thanks.”
That’s it.
“Really? You’re not at least enjoying the life you still have.”
She sucks in a breath and I narrow my eyes at the woman I’ve called Aunt all my life.
“Babe,” Cas warns.
“I’m sorry, but something has to be said,” she says, scowling at her husband. “I know everything from that night, and what Ellis did to you was evil. He made you think you chose India, but you didn’t. He was playing games with you.”
Harper lifts her chin and stares Alannah dead in the eye.
“I don’t mean any disrespect to you, Alannah, but you weren’t there that night. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Perhaps not, but you not speaking about it doesn’t help. And the shit going on now isn’t because Ellis made you think you caused something, it’s because my husband chose a path he should never have taken.”
“Alannah, that’s more than enough,” Cas growls, throwing his fork down.
“I’m not dancing around this any longer. She needs to hear this.” Shoving her plate forward, she tips her chin up and her eyes tighten but Harper jumps in first.
“I’m sorry I was born before you even got with Cas and then came along and ruined your perfect family, but I’m not going to sit here in my own home and listen to you lecture me on something you know nothing about.”
The fire that burned bright when I first met her ignites, it’s still there, she’s still there.
“You’re wrong, Harper. I’ve welcomed you into my family, I have no issues with you being his daughter.”
“What are your issues then?” I ask, cutting in.
She focuses on me and there’s a simmering rage igniting her like I’ve never seen from her before. There’s something more than she’s saying and it’s getting on my last fucking nerve.
“My issues are about the club, like all yours should be. The club isn’t about one person and never before has something as important as this ever been taken away from the brothers. The Lost Souls have a way of doing things, we have traditions that brothers and families find peace with. Death hurts and we heal, but lies, they destroy and rot the foundations. We all know it.”
“This is why I didn’t want to come back,” Harper murmurs and I’m done.
Slamming my fist on the table, Harper jumps besides me and mom frowns.
“This is bullshit. The club does what needs to be done. We make decisions that sometimes don’t please everyone. You say you’ve welcomed Harper, but to me it sounds like you’re placing a lot of blame on her.”
“No…”
“She blames me.”
Everyone turns to Cas and Alannah doesn’t try to tell him he’s wrong.
“I’m sorry, I can’t sit here trying to make you feel better Harper when this isn’t even about you. It’s about the choices the men in this room made behind their brother’s backs. You want my advice being married to a biker, grow some fucking balls and own the shit you do.”
She pushes out of her chair and storms out the kitchen. The front door slams shut behind her and we’re so quiet, we can hear her start the car and drive away.
“I’d say she didn’t mean that, but she did. I’m sorry, Harper. It’s true when she says this isn’t about you, it is me.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better. You wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for me.”
I squeeze her thigh and I smile when she covers my hand with hers.
“If truth be told, Leo put me in this situation when he put Roman in the ground. The club is her life, it’s all she’s ever known and she’s protective over every single brother and I’m the one who’s bringing pai
n to them.”
He rises from his seat and walks out the back door. If he still smoked, he’d be lighting up.
Dad is the only one still eating and he looks up and smiles. What the fuck he finds amusing is beyond me.
“Don’t worry, Harp, this shit will work itself out. It always does and then something else will come along and start new shit and then the circle continues. Besides, look who you’ve got for family. This is what we do. We fuck shit up and make it right. You’ll soon learn that being with my son.”
I think that’s the nicest he’s been to her and he gains a small smile from her for it.
After everyone has left, and Harper has tidied up, for the third time today, we’re lying in bed. Me on my side, her on her side. The moon is full tonight and shines through the window and over my wife.
“I shouldn’t have invited them here, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, you’re being a good husband and trying to help.”
“What Alannah said, she had no place talking to you the way she did.”
“Yes, she did. She’s looking out for the people she loves. I’d do the same for you.”
She rolls onto her side and reaches for my hand. We entwine our fingers and I hold her tight.
“I’m not ever leaving you, but we should think about leaving. I know it’s hard for you to see Leo and not tell him what really happened, if we started over somewhere you wouldn’t have to hide anything from him.”
I lift her hand to my mouth and kiss her softly.
“We’re not running from this, babe, this is our home and like dad said, this will work itself out.”
“It’s not about running, it’s about focusing on us. We made promises to each other, life begins with us.”
“You’re wrong, our life is together but it’s here with the club. I’m a Lost Soul, I don’t have the option of leaving…”
“Even if it’s for your wife, to make her happy?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” I grunt and sit up. “This will fucking pass, and you’ll be happy again, you can’t see it now but you will or I’ll die trying to make it happen.”
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