by Jen Luerssen
Everyone scoffs and tells him how perfect the table is and I can tell this is a dance they do and it’s sweet. We spend the rest of the night eating delicious food and talking about their favorite subject, Bea. She’s clearly wrapped them all around her little fingers. The warmth and love in their eyes when they talk about her is clear. She’s a lucky girl. I feel a pang of regret that I wasn’t there from the beginning but I know that adding me and my family to her fan club will make her even luckier.
Salty Holidays
Kit
On the drive home I fall asleep. I’m beyond exhausted. Today felt like three days wrapped into one. Waking up in Sebastian’s arms, resolute in my decision to tell him about our daughter, sure that there may be a future for us. Then him showing up and seeing Bea. Oh god, his face when he did the math in his head. He told me later that she looks like him when he was her age. Then dinner with my dads. They are a lot to take on a regular day, but on the day you find out you have a secret baby?
Sebastian took it all in stride though. I expected him to be a lot angrier with me. Other than the hug he hasn’t really touched me today. I know our relationship is changed. I did that. Sure, he understands that I had no way of finding him but once I did and then held back information for almost two months? That is going to be hard to forgive.
I wake to my car door opening. “Chaton, wake up,” he says and the fact that he’s still calling me that makes me feel hopeful.
That hope fades when we go inside and he walks me to the office where I guess I’m sleeping tonight. “I think us sleeping together is too much right now. I’m sorry.”
I’m devastated but try not to show it. I nod because if I speak, I’ll burst into tears. I walk into the sad little room and close the door as he gives me a little wave. Logical Kit understands that he needs space right now to figure out everything that happened today. Emotional Kit wants to curl up in his bed, burrow in his arms and never leave.
***
Things go back to normal after the band leaves and I return to my cabin. I put my head down and get to work. I’ve been good at avoiding Sebastian and I have a feeling he’s doing the same. He has a playdate with Bea on Friday according to Peyton. Apparently, he and Sebastian are texting buddies now. I’m happy they are getting along and that he’ll get to spend some time with Bea. She really is a delight. I know as her mother I’m biased but she is. Her smile is enchanting and her vocabulary is impressive for her age. The dads told me I was an early talker too. She loves animals, wants to know everything and will eat anything you put in front of her. Bea’s favorite food is sardines on rye toast. She and Sig have this for breakfast at least two times a week. Gross.
I can’t stop thinking about her and what comes next. Is this all really worth it? The time I’ve put into my career has been worth it professionally but at what cost? My dads gave me a gift when they offered to help with Bea but did I have to take them up on it? In hindsight, I should have taken time off and been there for her. It’s easy to see that now, but I was a scared 23-year-old kid leading a charmed life. Bea was a wrench in the works. A beautiful, amazing wrench that I handed to my parents. Who does that? A selfish spoiled brat. I feel a bit of anger towards my dads at that moment. I know what they did was out of love but they gave me the easy way out and I took it.
The first three months of Bea’s life were magical. The three of us worked together to cater to every one of her needs. When I returned to school, I swallowed down my emptiness and worked my ass off. Everything I did was for her, to make our life better and for her to be proud of me. This whole time I’ve been working on a goal that doesn’t seem to matter all that much anymore. Seeing Sebastian meet her and then listen with joy and regret to us tell stories about the time he missed made me realize I am missing out too.
I love my job. Making wine is a passion that I used to think was all-encompassing. It’s not. Being fully present in Bea’s life is more important.
I’m in the wine cellar when I come to this conclusion. I step down the ladder I was on and sit at the big round table. What am I doing? I am going to give up all of this for my daughter. I take a deep breath and go in search of Sebastian.
He’s in his office with the door closed. I can see through the door window that he’s on the phone. I watch him and a rush of feeling winds through me. It’s going to be hard not seeing him every day. Even though I’ve been avoiding him I still see him, feel his presence. I study his face and wipe a tear from my cheek. This is going to be difficult but it’s the right thing to do.
I knock lightly after I see him disconnect the call and he waves me in.
“Hey,” I say, hoping my tears don’t come back.
He smiles and gestures for me to sit on his love seat, then settles in next to me. Fuck, I don’t know if I can do this with him so close. Yes, I can, I’m sure about this decision.
“What’s up, Kit? Is everything okay with Bea?”
“Yes, everything is fine. I quit,” I say and I may have said it too low for him to hear so I say it again. “I quit, Sebastian.”
His brows furrow. “Why? Is it too awkward to work with me? I feel like we should talk but I don’t even know where to start.”
“No, it’s not you. When you met Bea and found out you were her father and that you’ve missed her first two years, I realized that I did too,” I say and he starts to say something. “No, maybe I was there on weekends and holidays but that’s not really being a parent. I allowed my dads to take my place because I was a stupid, selfish woman. I’m not letting them do that anymore. I’m quitting and moving back into their house until I can find a place of my own with Bea. It’s time I take full responsibility.”
“Wow, I thought being the youngest winemaker was your dream?” he asks.
“Well, all of my dreams came true and then I woke up and dreams changed.”
He folds his arms and leans back. “Two weeks?” he asks like he’s my boss and nothing else.
“Of course, I’ll make sure everything is set up for the Christmas release and get Jason and Devonté to take over.”
He stands abruptly. “I wish you luck, Kit,” he says and my heart sinks at him calling me Kit.
“Thanks, Sebastian, I’m sorry to put you out but it’s the right decision for me,” I put my hand on his arm then leave his office.
I feel like I’ve just torn a limb off my body but I know I did the right thing. When I reach my cabin, I collapse on the couch and cry. I cry for the time I’ve wasted, the career I’ve put on hold and I cry for the relationship I could have had with Sebastian before I fucked it up beyond help. Then, I dry my tears, start packing and call my dads.
Salty Dad
Sebastian
Kit quitting should have been a shock, but it wasn’t. I thought she might leave because of me but it makes sense that she would do it for Bea. Am I happy she did it? Yes and no. On the one hand I admire her for focusing on her child, on the other I’m now out an employee and a damn good one at that. In the short time that she worked for us, everything has improved. Orders are up, production has been more efficient, and our newly organized tasting system has been a huge success. Traffic through the winery is up and it’s all because of Kit. Now I have to find someone else and I know it will be impossible. Mikey has offered to spend a few weeks helping in January but she is in full City Monkey mode. The location we chose is perfect but we are still building the production elements and the rooftop vineyard is doable but still a challenge. Plus, she’s pregnant and will be occupied in the spring.
This all leads me to the conclusion that I have to get Kit back somehow but make it work so she can be there for Bea too. I have ideas and I’m hoping to bring them up to her dads today. I’m having my first real day with Beatrice and I’m nervous but thrilled. I requested that it just be Peyton, Bea and I so Sig is here at the winery today helping Kit pack her things and with general winemaking chores.
When I pull up to the gate, it opens right away and I pull in to the smal
l driveway. I get out of the car and then turn to retrieve the gift I brought for Bea. It’s a stuffed bumble bee that Lia suggested I get.
I’m about to straighten when I’m pushed from behind. “What?” I shout and then I’m assaulted with several pecks to my legs. I turn to see a giant bird poking me with its beak. Panicking, I kick out and just miss it as it bobs to the side dodging my foot.
“Simon!” I hear someone shout and the bird retreats and trust away like it didn’t just try to kill me. “Oh my gosh, Sebastian. Are you okay?” Peyton asks me as I lay half in and half out of my car shell-shocked.
I feel my legs and aside from being startled and feeling a few places that will probably bruise, I’m fine. Just mortified that I was attacked by a pet bird.
“That fucking heathen. Simon is getting grumpy in his old age. I keep telling Sig we need another peahen so he has a nice little harem to make him happy but he doesn’t want any more peafowl. Who can blame him when this one acts like this?”
I stand and dust myself off while Peyton rants. “What was that?”
“Oh, that was Simon, one of the two peafowls we have,” he says like having a peacock for a pet is normal. “He isn’t normally aggressive, sorry. Are you hurt?”
I shake my head and then laugh. “Did I just get attacked by a peacock?”
Peyton nods trying to hold back his laughter which doesn’t work as we both dissolve into fits of hysterical laughter. Once we are calm, I realize that Bea isn’t with him. “Is Bea here?” I ask.
“Oh yeah,” he says taking a little walky-talky thing out of his pocket. “She’s passed out for at least another 30 minutes. Your girl is a power sleeper.”
My heart melts a little when he says she’s mine. This whole week has been surreal but the insta love I feel for my newly discovered daughter is unwavering. I’ve been looking forward to today more than anything I can remember.
“Like her mother,” I comment because Kit can sleep anywhere at the drop of a hat. I’ve seen her fall asleep sitting up, on a golf cart, in the production room where it’s very loud, and in the tavern filled with guests. My favorite was after we had sex recently. I’ve never seen someone fall asleep so instantly. I may have watched her for a while, I’m not sorry either.
Peyton smiles. “Even worse, Kit falls asleep all the time but when she was a kid, she never stayed that way for long. This kid loves to nap, loves bedtime and once she’s asleep the world could be falling apart around her and she’d barely move.”
“Well then that’s like me, I remember my mom telling my dad how much she got done during the day because I would sleep through half of it. I’m still a pretty heavy sleeper.”
He takes my hand and leads me inside. “I’m sure we will find more things about her that are like you.”
“Oh, I have this,” I say stopping him to show him the picture my mom sent me on my phone.
“Holy crap, it’s like looking in a mirror. She is your spitting image,” he says marveling at the photo.
“Except for the eyes and the charm,” I say thinking of Kit’s unique eyes and magnetic personality.
“I don’t know, Sebastian, I think both of her parents are pretty charming,” he says as we sit at the high bar in the kitchen. “Coffee?” he asks and I shake my head.
“Are you excited to have Kit move back in?” I ask.
He sighs. “You know, we thought we were doing the right thing by helping her with the baby and I don’t regret it. I wish we’d listened to her more when she wanted to take breaks from school or work because she missed Bea. Instead, we encouraged her to keep going because we thought she’d regret giving up her passion. We were being selfish and didn’t really understand how miserable she was without her.”
“Maybe you made some mistakes but you all did what you thought was the best at the time. There’s no doubt that Bea is surrounded by love and safety. She’s lucky to have all of you.”
“She’s even luckier that you’re in her life too. Thanks for being so patient and understanding,” he says.
I nod, not knowing what else to say because what choice do I have. Do I want to steal Bea away from her home? No. Do I want to be a big part of her life from now on? Yes. I’m not sure what that will look like but today is the start.
We sit and chat about Sig’s new Bea-inspired kid’s line called L’abeille, ‘bee’ in French. It’s high end, catering to his clients who have kids. He’s set to open a store in San Francisco in a few months. We talk about owning a business there and all of the challenges that come with having a business in an expensive city.
In the middle of him telling me how they ended up buying a multimillion-dollar building in Noe Valley because Sig had to have the storefront but hates to pay rent, when the sweetest little voice singing the ABC song comes floating out of the little walk talky Peyton had set on the bar when we sat down.
“Is that how she wakes up?” I ask.
He smiles warmly. “God no, sometimes she sings Twinkle instead.” He stands and gestures for me to follow and we go down a long hallway past a large playroom and a bathroom to a closed door with chubby little bees painted on it. They remind me of Kit’s tattoos which now makes more sense.
When he opens the door, the singing gets louder and it’s the most beautiful sound. The room is dark until Peyton opens the blinds to let a little sun in.
“Popopopopopopopop,” Bea chants and it’s adorable. She is standing in her crib, hair mussed but eyes bright. Her arms are extended for Peyton to pick her up, then she notices me. “A-bat-in,” she says pointing at me.
“That’s right, baby girl, Sebastian is here.” He picks her up and carries her over to a dresser with a cushion on it and lays her down. She arches to get a better look at me so I walk over to keep her from falling. “Hey, poopy pants, where you going?” The way he’s with her is gentle and caring. I watch as he expertly changes her diaper in under two minutes.
“You’re a natural father,” I say.
“You will be too. You know how I know?”
I shake my head.
“You recognize that I’m a good one,” he says smiling, kisses Bea’s cheek and then hands her to me.
Salty and Sweet
Sebastian
My day with Bea is perfect. There are meltdowns, food throwing, and more poop than I thought possible, but it is still perfect. From the minute she looked at me in the crib and said my name, I was done. She’s this tiny genius who is in constant motion. She showed me the whole house, walked me around outside and made me sit for a picnic of peanut butter and jelly and a giant pile of strawberries.
My knowledge of kids is almost nonexistent but I do know that this girl is advanced for her age. I find Mae to be super cute and pretty sharp, but Bea’s vocabulary alone far exceeds hers. I’m assuming that Mae’s development is normal and even above average. Peyton told me that I can’t let other parents in on that observation as they would get sensitive.
My favorite part of the day was art time. It is Bea’s favorite too. Peyton took us to the solarium, a big room with all windows and lots of plants and set up an easel with paints. I sat next to her while she slapped paint on the paper and giggled the whole time. She even let me have a turn.
By mid-afternoon she starts to get drowsy and Peyton lets me put her down for her nap. I sing Frère Jacques, a song my mom sang to me as a child and she tells me she ‘yikes dat song’.
When we sit down at the kitchen bar to have a coffee, I find I am exhausted. “Wow, that was the best, but also extremely tiring.”
Peyton laughs. “That was a pretty mellow few hours with her too. Like she knew you couldn’t handle too much. She really likes you though. She’s a friendly kid, but she still has boundaries. Not once has she ever asked me to paint with her or shared her sandwich with me.”
“She’s a baby genius so maybe she already knows who I am.” There were a few times where she looked me in the eye and I felt like she knew we were connected in some way.
He
laughs again. “Maybe, she’s pretty intuitive. When Sig gets frustrated or gets one of his migraines, she takes care of him. If he’s mad, she’ll do a silly dance or hug him. If he’s hurting, she’ll kiss his head and rub his temples. Bea is sensitive and really special. I know all parents say that, but she really is. Kit was a gift and we love her to the ends of the earth, but Bea is exceptional.”
“I wish I could take any credit but I’m not sure my genes are that strong. Maybe having three parents gives you triple the nurturing and more brain power?”
We sit in silence for a few beats and then he gets up to take our mugs to the sink to rinse them out I can sense he wants to ask something but is hesitating.
“You can ask me anything, Peyton, I’ll try to be honest.”
“Are you planning to take her away?” he asks and for a minute I don’t know which daughter he means.
“No, I have no plans to do that. If I’m honest, I’d like to have both of them on the winery compound in a more permanent way but since Kit is packing her things, it doesn’t seem possible.”
“Do you love her?” he asks and I know he’s asking about Kit. It’s obvious I’ve loved Bea since the day I found out she was mine. I think for a minute.
“I’m sure Kit didn’t tell you too much about our night in Vegas, since it’s not something you tell your parents about. Even though it was one night it was this amazingly perfect time. Maybe because we knew we wouldn’t see each other again we were able to open up and be free. We had sex, obviously,” I say gesturing toward Bea’s room, “but it was talking, laughing and true intimacy. When I met Kit again, it was like I was transported back to that night. I’ve thought about her over the years and was deeply affected by my time with her. Do I love her? I think so. She’s held back these past months and I know why now, but if she let me in, I’m sure I could love her.”