1812 How It All Began- Part 2

by Deborah E Pearson

  DeBourg House 13th May 1812

  Fitzwilliam Darcy,

  I called at your house in London today and found the house in pandemonium. I was informed that you were indisposed and could not take visitors. As I stood on the doorstep, I noticed servants running in every direction as if there was an invalid in the house. Get control of your house and write back to me the minute you read this. I am most seriously displeased!

  Lady Catherine deBourg.

  Darcy ignored both of Lady Catherine's letters. Darcy pulled out a sheet of paper and penned this short note to his Cousin.

  Pemberley 5th September 1812

  My Dear Anne,

  I am sorry for not having written back sooner. Your letter was placed in my writing case during my illness, and I only found it this morning. I am, it seems, still catching up with my private correspondence. I was ill, and yes, it was as much an affliction of the mind as of the body. Somehow, I think the shock of being rejected, made me more susceptible to a physical illness. I will not tell you all the details of my illness. Nor will I bore you with details of the rejection. During my illness, I was also going over various things in my mind to do with my acquaintance with Miss Bennet. This inflamed my illness. Thank you for your assurances that you are not in love with me. It removes the last shreds of any feelings of guilt that I felt about your mother's wishes for our marriage. Please accept my assurances that I wish you happy and to have a good marriage. If I can, I will win Miss Bennet's hand, but it is not by any means a definite thing.

  Thank you, and wishing you all happiness,

  Fitzwilliam Darcy.

  Laying down his pen, Darcy realised how many unfinished letters there were. Some at Pemberley, some in town, and other in his writing case. All to the same person. There was the rough draft for the letter that he gave to Miss Bennet that last morning he saw her in Kent. If these letters had been placed in his writing-case, did someone read those letters? Where are they? With a feverish, deliberation Darcy went to the secret compartment. That was where he kept his most private and intimate letters. He breathed half a sigh of relief when he realised that nothing seemed disturbed. He sorted his writing case out. He sent the letter to Anne via the colonel as instructed. Then taking out some of his rough drafts, he read them through. Only now did he realise how arrogant, and angry they were. He took them all and threw them on the fire.

  "It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness."

  - Charles Spurgeon

  The next morning someone woke Darcy up by sitting on his bed rather too quickly and heavily. Before he was awake, he had uttered “Elizabeth.” He was relieved, it was only Georgiana, and aggravated that his sister had intruded on his privacy. On entering Georgiana had noticed the bandbox. She looked at him curiously and then expressively at the bandbox but said nothing. As he woke up, he opened his heart to Georgiana. He explained that the bonnet was bought on impulse for Elizabeth. He told Georgiana of the fan that matched the one bought for her. He kept Georgiana ignorant of the part he had played in separating Bingley from Jane. He did not tell her of the present for Jane as well. Looking at Georgiana, he realised how much of a woman she had become. Also he was again reminded that it was time for Georgiana to enter Society.

  The last year had been difficult for them both. Wickham’s latest escapades had complicated things further. Georgiana had shown great maturity when he had informed her of Lydia’s situation. Something that Darcy was thankful for. He was also thankful that the business with Wickham had been easily dealt with. Briefly, his thoughts turned to Elizabeth. He hoped that she was once again laughing in that light manner that he loved. Very soon they were back on his sister, she was on the brink of leaving behind childhood. It would be cruel and inappropriate to keep her away from society any longer. He did not wish to lose her company yet. She was becoming a woman and soon she would fall in love and want to marry a man who deserved her. He would have to let her go. There was no point in trying to prevent it. All that would achieve would be estrangement between them. He needed to work out and plan her coming out and his winning Elizabeth’s hand in marriage together. He hoped to be married before Georgiana's coming out, but he was not sure if Elizabeth’s change of heart went that far. He decided that he would plan things further after visiting Netherfield with Bingley. He would see if Jane was still in love with Bingley, and whether he could hope to win Miss Elizabeth’s hand.

  Pushing Georgiana off the bed, Darcy was about to get up when he changed his mind and reached out to pull on the bell. When his Valet answered the bell, he ordered that their breakfasts should be brought to his room.

  Georgiana looked at him shrewdly, “Are you ill Fitzwilliam?”

  “No, I am well” he replied.

  “So, why the breakfast up here?”

  “Because I want to talk to you without anyone else around.”

  “Sounds serious.”

  “It is serious.”

  “Now you are teasing me.”

  Darcy grinned, her suspense was something that gave him an odd sense of pleasure. “Not at all! You are growing up. Georgiana, it is time you left the school room. Time to enter into the world of society, morning visits, and finding a husband.”

  “Oh, this is serious!” Georgiana panicked

  “Are you ready to come out this season?”

  “If you think I’m ready, then I must be.”

  “But how do you feel about it?” Darcy wanted his sister to be comfortable. At the same time, he knew that if he left much later she would be determinedly shy. She would not survive the rigorous demands that society would make on her.

  “Nervous, I suppose, but excited as well.”

  Darcy smiled and said “If all things go according to plan, your presentation will be this season.” He thought that his sister would enter the marriage market as he took himself off it. “But, would you stay here until I send for you? It might well be you have to stay here until Christmas.” He did not wish to have Georgiana be a witness to should he not be able to court Elizabeth as he wished to.

  “I’ll stay here for as long as you like. You, I know, are going down to Hertfordshire for more than shooting.”

  Darcy again grinned, there would be no secrets from this new Georgiana sitting on his bed. “You are correct, but I do not know how that is going to work out. Now I need more sleep, so you will have to wait until breakfast arrives.” He turned his back on her and started snoring in sleep. So much lack of sleep had caught up with him. No, that was not quite true, he had been very aware of the lack of sleep but had felt powerless to do anything about it. Georgiana waited in the chair next to his bed and listened to his snoring. His talking caught her attention. At first, Georgiana thought that he was talking to her, but his back was still turned. “I love you” He mumbled, and then later on he laughed and said, “You see, Elizabeth, I am not as badly behaved as I was when you met me.” Georgiana realised that she was now hearing more of what was in his heart. Only now was she beginning to understand how much of his illness in May more than a physical illness was. It was a sickness brought on by a severe anguish of mind. A distress of mind that was still there in his mind, ever waiting to come back to the front of his mind. What had happened in Hertfordshire and Kent? Her curiosity was burning but she had no means of indulging it. Darcy did not seem to inclined to confide any more than he had while he was recuperating. Now all she had was the snippets that she gathered in times such as these. She was more determined to find out the truth of what happened than ever. Her brother had changed, and she wanted to make sure that he got the happiness that he deserved.

  Hearing Darcy talking in his sleep was bittersweet for Georgiana. Soon she was lost in her own reflections. The events of the last year and a half had taken more strength of character than anybody had known. Like her brother, she had held more secrets than she had told. She had been hurt by Wickham and Mrs Younge, but not the same way that her brother seemed to be suffering. Somehow now she began to se
e that though she had loved Wickham, it had not been the right kind of love. It had not been a lasting love. Now she realised she had allowed a flattering tongue to manipulate her into giving her heart. She should have waited to find someone she could respect and honour. Someone who had as good a heart as her brother. Darcy deserved to be happy, Georgiana had no doubt about that, how deserving she was she doubted.

  Darcy had told her about how upset Elizabeth and her family had been. She had also heard the whispers from Miss Bingley as she read the letters from Hertfordshire. It was only now that she realised how much she could have cost her brother last year. Last year she had nearly cost her brother the chance to find Miss Elizabeth. The true weight of the guilt of her actions over the last year fell on her shoulders. Her brother had not uttered an unkind or cruel word to her. Nor had he ever blamed her in any way for his own actions this past year. The lack of blame only compounded the emotions that Georgiana felt. Sixteen is a difficult age and it seemed to Georgiana that she was already failing. She had so much more to learn, but right now she longed for a close friend who she could talk to and ask for advice. She now realised that she had nobody. Miss Bingley had pretended to be a friend, so had many of the girls at her school, but nobody had been a true friend to her. In the brief time that she had known Elizabeth she had glimpsed what a true friend would be like. A selfish hope glimmered in her heart. She hoped she could make a friend of Elizabeth, even if her brother did not marry Elizabeth.

  "How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man’s self to himself!"

  - Charles Lamb

  Breakfast arrived. Darcy had not woken up, so, Georgiana ventured to wake up her brother and told him that breakfast had come. Darcy sat up in bed. He and his sister breakfasted together. Then after that Georgiana left her brother, wondering if he would get up at all that day. He decided to go back to sleep and catch up on all that lost sleep he had with all those trips from London to Pemberley.

  It was late in the day that Darcy finally made his appearance. The day being a dull, wet day, Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley found themselves without an excuse to leave the room. So, instead, they sat to one side whispering to each other. Mrs Hurst then stated, “Mr Darcy. Caroline and I have decided that we will leave for Scarborough early in the morning.”

  “That’s early is it not?” Said Darcy surprised.

  “Yes, I’m sorry, but we have only brought forward our departure by a week.”

  “I hope you have enjoyed your stay at Pemberley.”

  “Of course, we always enjoy our stay at Pemberley.” Mrs Hurst smiled insincerely. Miss Bingley said nothing at all.

  Darcy said everything that civility required of him to say, but the news pleased him. His sister would no longer be burdened with making pathetic small talk. Those two women cared for only themselves. He then took up a book and realised that it was the book he had been reading at Netherfield. On that Saturday, he had ignored Elizabeth. He had only been deceiving himself that he was reading his book. With his thoughts focused on the fact that Elizabeth was leaving Netherfield. Deep down he had not wanted her to go. He had lost track of where he had finished. He had not minded Elizabeth’s teasing. He remembered his impertinent comment at Netherfield. He did not, could not, regret making the comment. He would repeat it today, if it would earn more of Elizabeth’s teasing. He smiled at the recollection, and then read on in his book.

  “Mr Darcy, what book are you reading?” the voice was Miss Bingley’s, and Darcy realised that she was not going to give up yet. He maintained a steady silence and kept on reading. They were leaving tomorrow, there was no need to cause any more upset.

  “Is it the same one that you were reading when we were at Netherfield last year?” Still silence. It was not so much that he wished to be rude to his unwelcome guest. Rather he knew any answer he gave would go along the same lines as it had in previous times. He no longer had the patience to deal with more insincerity or cause more strife. Wickham had used up his patience for nonsense. Another memory flashed across Darcy’s brain, which brought a touch of irony in his brain. He had proved to be a liar. He had said that disguise of every sort was his abhorrence, yet, over the years he had disguised so much his life. He was still disguising so much. How had he come to this? He did not know. All he knew was that he needed to be true to himself. He was close to vowing never to invite Miss Bingley to Pemberley ever again. He could not do that to Bingley. He would do it if she continued to try to interfere in Bingley and his relationships.

  Miss Bingley was desperate to gain Darcy’s attention. Time had run out for her. She was at a loss as to how to achieve her aim. His behaviour towards her had become increasingly strange and unwelcoming. Even she could not delude herself into thinking that she could succeed with him. She had always found his studiousness challenging, now she had no idea how to break through. This frustrated her even more. There was only one way of gaining any welcome. She now turned to her hostess, Georgiana and requested the card table. Georgiana acquiesced. It would occupy their guests, without disturbing her brother. Brother and sister were anxious for their guests to leave. The whole party, except for Darcy, moved over to play at commerce until dinner. After dinner, Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley retired to their room to pack and go to bed early.

  Mr Hurst remained with the gentlemen until retiring for the night. Unwillingly he said that he would not be joining the shooting party. He would be going with his wife and sister-in-law to Scarborough. Hurst knew that being with Darcy and Bingley would only remind him his own dashed hopes. Both Darcy and Bingley objected. They were expecting him to come with them, but he was firm and clear that it was not to be. Mr Hurst insisted and soon Bingley and Darcy conceded. They wished him well, and Mr Hurst disappeared off soon to join his wife and to have an early bed.

  Bingley and Darcy waited another three weeks to travel down to Netherfield. On the way, Darcy and Mr Bingley chatted about mundane things. Both were thinking about one of the ladies at Longbourn. Darcy was conscious that in his trunk was still sitting the presents for Elizabeth and Jane. The first day back they both went shooting. Darcy was so distracted, he could barely hit anything. He was so off target a few times he felt himself to be a danger and returned to the house. The next day Mr Bingley went out without him, and Darcy entertained himself with a book. But, he soon found that reading would not do either, and soon found himself walking the house.

  Every room seemed to have memories, and ghosts of happier times. When he Returned to the sitting room, he remembered those few days when Jane was ill. Elizabeth had stayed in the house. Those few days they seemed like a lifetime ago. They were so natural and happy. He found on reflection that it had not been unpleasant only something he was not used to. Walking into the rooms used for the ball, Darcy could hear the tune he and Elizabeth had danced to. Something stirred in him. His heart ached as he realised that it had been ten months ago and it was the last time he had danced with anyone. He wondered when the next ball at Meryton would be, he wanted to dance with Elizabeth again.

  The Meryton Assembly did not conjure up very good memories for Darcy. He had long controlled the nausea that accompanied his thoughts of that evening. It was that night that laid the foundation of the miserable night last April. Darcy then tried to go to the billiard room and pass the day with billiards. Even the Billiards room held memories of Elizabeth. Sighing, it seemed that every room in this house had memories of Elizabeth. Yet she had only been there for four days plus the evening of the ball. His every memory of this house seemed to be memories of Elizabeth. Darcy felt empty as he went from room to room.

  He realised now the depth of his love for Elizabeth. How long he had gone without admitting it to himself or anyone else. Now he realised that the house had been empty for him ever since Elizabeth and Jane had left after Jane’s illness. Eventually, Darcy sat in his bedroom. He contented himself with composing yet another letter that he would never send. Yet another letter to let loose his feelings for Elizabeth. Letter after letter he w
ould start, and not finish and then file and not send. Another letter that would be consigned to the flames.

  No legacy is so rich as honesty.

  All’s well that ends well Act 3 scene 5. William Shakespeare.

  The day passed slowly. Pass it did and Darcy was finally called to Dinner.

  “I am planning a visit over to Longbourn in the morning,” Bingley announced. This was music to Darcy’s ears, for he knew that until they made that visit he would not settle down to anything else.

  “I will join you if you don’t mind” Stated Darcy.

  “Of course, I expected you to,” answered Mr Bingley.

  “Mr Lucas and other gentlemen of the area have already visited. it seems strange that Mr Bennet has not visited yet,” said Darcy.

  “Hardly surprising, given how I treated Miss Bennet. To tell the truth, I’m not very sanguine that we will be very welcome when we get there,” Bingley worried.

  It pleased Darcy to hear Bingley starting to take responsibility. It also compounded his sense of guilt over the whole affair. “You will be welcome. Mrs Bennet will once more be hoping for your five thousand a year for her daughter,” Darcy teased.

  “You make it sound like she cares for nothing but my money!”

  “That’s all any of the mothers think about for their daughters.”

  “They must want their daughters to be happy, and in love.”

  “You talk about love as if it were the only consideration, you always have. Yet, you must realise by now that there are other considerations when taking a wife also.”

  “I know that there are other considerations. You must know now that a strong and genuine affection is not always the most sensible thing in the world. Can you still tell me you believe those other things to be more important than a genuine and equal marriage?” Bingley argued thinking of Darcy’s love for Elizabeth. “Besides, if Mrs Bennet was only mercenary, why does she not buzz around you for your ten thousand a year?”