Tempted By Fae

by Midnight Coven

  “She need an incontinence pad? Will this do?” One of the lads behind said and he touched my back and then passed me a sanitary pad. “Good you carry one around just in case.”

  My mouth fell open. “Was that on my back? All night?”

  The guy nodded. “Now can you leave, or go and have a shit cos that’s rank.”

  “It’s him. My oh-so-charming date.” I said. “He’s blaming me like a true gentleman.”

  The man at the side of me’s face softened. “Are you joking? What a twat.”

  “And now he’s going to go to the loo, and he’ll carry on making out it’s all my fault. My dating life is shit, literally. And if that’s not bad enough, I came out wearing a sanitary pad, so my love life stinks. Period.”

  He started laughing. “You know what. Before I met my wife, I didn’t have the best dating experiences. Me and my mates have you covered here. You go get yourself another drink. We’ll take care of him.”

  “What are you going to do? I don’t want him hurt, even if he is a tosser.”

  “Let’s just say he’s going to feel blocked before he feels free.” The guy winked.

  I made my excuses and went to the bar. Denny yelled after me for help, but I made out I couldn’t hear him, which was obviously a total lie because his booming bass meant most of the pub could hear him. I watched as he attempted to get up and leave, pausing as he kept clutching his stomach. But the guys who’d been at the side of me kept moving and blocking his path. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get past, and then with an almighty ‘oh no’ that seemed to echo around the building, Denny’s date night turned to complete crap, as it exploded out of his arse.

  “Oh my god, he shat himself.” My saviour yelled loudly, his mates joining in by pointing and laughing. The man winked at me and I mouthed a ‘thank you’. And then I finished my drink and left. I’d certainly be having a word with Shelley tomorrow about the standard of dates I expected.

  The fresh air of the sea front made the alcohol I’d drunk go straight to my head, but boy, was that fresh air welcome! My watch showed me that it was only nine thirty, but I was ready to forget the night’s events, call in for fish and chips on my way home, and then get myself to bed. Tomorrow was another day and it being Sunday meant I could have a lazy lie-in.

  I kicked more things out of my way as I entered the house. The last thing I remembered was making myself a nice cup of tea; leaving the milk bottle out as fuck it, it was almost empty anyway and I had another in the fridge. Then I shimmied out of my skirt, the jacket having been flung off the minute I entered the house and I got under my duvet and was out like a light.

  Chapter Four

  Zara

  I woke up with my head banging and my mouth feeling furry, probably because my head had been resting on a fluffy cushion instead of a pillow. Remembering the nightmare that had been last night’s date, I laughed wondering how Denny had fared after I’d left. Withernsea Dating was closed on a Sunday, so I’d have to wait until tomorrow to complain. Christ, I needed a cup of tea more than I needed air to breathe right now. Kicking off the duvet, I swung myself around and sat up. Not too bad. Lucky for me, I never usually suffered from hangovers, other than having a desperate thirst. A flashback from last night came to me. Fuck, had I really had a sanitary pad stuck to my back? Served me right for buying the cheap ones and not the wrapped sort. But maybe it was time to get my house in order and stop being so damn lazy? Perhaps after a cup of tea, or three, I might even put a wash load on? We’d see. I didn’t want to strain myself. I had work tomorrow.

  I worked as a computer games tester. It was a great job. A dream job. I didn’t have to leave the house. Just had to play games and give feedback and suggestions. And I made sure I got it all done Monday through Thursday, so the rest of the time was my own. I had a monthly cinema card and being on my own a lot, I often went to sit on my own there, or if I couldn’t be bothered, I had Netflix. I sighed. Once upon a time I’d been enthusiastic with a huge zest for life. Yeah, I’d still been inherently lazy, but I had met up with friends and even went to yoga once a week. Okay, I fell asleep at the back of the class, but I still made the effort.

  I made my way downstairs. The first thing that struck me was there was nothing at the bottom of the stairs. Like on the floor. Nothing. Except for the mat that was no longer covered in dirt and clearly now revealed the word welcome to me, upside down of course. My coats were hung on hooks. I slowly padded my way down the stairs realising that there were no bits on the stair carpet… what the fuck? Had I been burgled by an OCD burglar? My umbrella was standing in a large wide vase that I hadn’t put there. I softly padded towards the living room, picking up the umbrella on my way past, ready to beat the shit out of anyone I found tidying while they put all my valuables in a backpack. Flinging back the door, I dashed in shouting, “Fire.” There was no one there. My flat screen TV and gaming equipment were all still there, except the games were tidied and was that in… alphabetical order? And the screen wasn’t covered in dust. I walked through into the kitchen to find my kitchen and dining table were the same. Everything was tidy. I even had piles of clean and folded clothes sitting on top of the tidy table. Spotting my robe, I slipped it on, breathing in the lovely long-forgotten smell of laundry powder.

  Fuck me. I’d been so drunk I’d cleaned, and what was that? Next to the empty carton of milk, (I’d obviously made myself plenty of hot drinks while I’d been domesticated), I’d written myself a note.

  Thank you.

  It wasn’t even in my writing. I had drunk writing?

  Very, very slowly, in case the delusion I was having wore off; I made myself a cuppa and then I sat down on my clean and tidy sofa and looked around once more at the perfectly clean house I was sitting in.

  Copious amounts of vodka and coke helped me clean. I wish I’d found this shit out years ago. Putting my feet up, I grabbed the remote control. Not sticky and I could see the buttons. Bonus! Then I relaxed. I figured I deserved it after all the hard work.

  Chapter Five

  Boone

  I seemed to have fallen for the human female. She was perfect. A complete and utter delight. She left mess everywhere. I had been able to spend hours while she slept like the dead, cleaning and tidying after I’d let myself in, and she’d even left out some milk for me, an invitation and a thank you in anticipation for my help. Now all I needed to do was go back to the dating agency on Monday and ask Kim to set me up on a date with her. In the meantime, for once on a Sunday, I felt a deep sense of peace. I’d been able to tidy and clean for hours without being arrested.

  I walked out of my house and stretched satisfied. My best friend Seeley was waiting against my tree. “Hmm, you’re looking mighty satisfied today. Did you have a good session?”

  “I did.” I smiled. “Thorough from top to bottom.”

  “You Brownies are weird.” He punched me in the arm. “To me, I would be like that if a lady had satisfied me, but you mean cleaning, don’t you?”

  “You know me well, brother.”

  “Right, come on. We need to go to the fairy ring as apparently there is big news.”

  We made our way down the dell. Our home was on the outskirts of the Withernsea wolf pack’s land, a small area dense with trees. The trees housed our homes. We’d tended to keep to ourselves in the past, only making our presence known in times of Withernsea politics or when the new Queen had been born. But some of us Fae were well known for our trickery and as such, other species were reluctant to have much to do with us.

  There was a lot of excited chatter coming from within the faerie ring. As we arrived, Chester, the Council leader called everyone to order.

  “Attention. I have a decree to read.”

  Silence ensued, not because the surrounding Fae behaved, but because Chester had put a silence enchantment on everyone. It had to be done with chattering faeries.

  “Oscar de la Rey has given his notice. He no longer wishes to be any part of either Withernsea De
ll or The Summer Court. Therefore we officially give notice that we are looking for a new ruler of Withernsea Dell. As such, we would ask interested parties to give an ‘I’.”

  We all looked around at each other and chatter began as the enchantment was dropped.

  “I.” Said Dornan Oak, and Seeley looked at me in horror. Dornan had bullied us both relentlessly at school and was an ugly Brownie, one who schemed and thieved and created chaos.

  “He cannot rule.” Seeley almost squeaked.

  And then I knew that I had to put myself forward, because my friend already had a wife and five children and no time for ruling the Fae. And I’d always felt a calling, that I was destined for more anyway.

  “I.” I said, raising my hand.

  Dornan looked at me, his expression taut, his eyes flashing with temper.

  “You?” He mocked.

  “Dornan Oak.” Chester scolded. “You will treat your fellow contender with respect. Anyone else?” He looked around. “No?”

  “Right. The vote will take place in one week’s time here in our Council offices. Just before we will hear a speech by both contenders as to what they will bring to the role.” Chester looked from one of us to the other. “I trust both of you are aware of what we are looking for, to continue our Fae family.”

  An outside female. To be turned faery. I had a week to get the lady Zara to love me and want to be my queen.

  On Monday morning I phoned Kim and asked for an urgent appointment. By ten am I was sitting in Jax’s coffee shop watching while she drank two coffees in quick succession and ordered a third, yelling, “Keep ‘em coming,” to the staff.

  “You seem especially fraught this morning. Does something ail you?” I asked her.

  She sat up and flashed those wolf eyes at me. “My stupid husband has impregnated me. AGAIN.” She growled, and I shot back in my seat about three feet.

  “Kim!” The coffee shop owner shouted. “You’re scaring my customers. Can you be cross with your husband at home, do you think?”

  She looked at me. “I swear he only has to look at me and I’m with child. I had three last time. Who knows how many I’ll have this time? And he is waltzing around everywhere being high-fived and slapped on the back, whereas I will be the one the size of a house with a vagina like a newly-appeared sink hole.”

  Shelley, the dating agency owner came dashing through the door. “Thanks, Jax, for the heads up. While we’ve any customers left, either of us.” She glared at Kim and took a seat with us. “My apologies, Boone, for her being worse than usual. Now, she says you wanted a human female date next?”

  I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, and now my request is even more specific. There was a woman here on Saturday morning. Blonde hair. I want her.”

  “You can’t just pick someone; we have to put it all into the computer.” Her phone rang. “Excuse me.” She said exasperated.

  “Yes? Hello, Ebony. Really? It will? Okay, if you say so. Bye.”

  No sooner had she ended the call; her phone rang again. “Hello. Oh, hi, Zara.”

  There seemed to be a lot of angry, terse words from the other end of the phone.

  “I can only apologise. He’d passed all our tests, but obviously him talking loudly and chewing gum are personal extra details that we can add to the database. Yes, I know you want the perfect man, but as I explained, you can have to kiss some frogs…”

  “I can be her perfect man.” I whispered. Shelley nodded at me.

  “I have someone for you, anyway. Another date. I’m sure on this occasion you’ll find him much more suitable. Same meeting place? 8pm? His name is Boone. Yes, that’s a real name. Bye.”

  Shelley put a hand up, got up, went to the counter and came away with a large coffee and two chocolate doughnuts. Kim reached a hand out and Shelley slapped it. “They’re both mine.”

  She sighed. “Okay, Boone. Apparently when I run my algo adding in supernaturals, you will come up as the perfect partner for Zara.”

  I beamed.

  “It would be nice for my systems to run on their own, but as you know I have an annoying Seer who calls and tells me things before I have a chance to do anything myself. Now, if you come with me to the office after my refreshments, I will give you all the details of what Zara is looking for in her perfect male.”

  “And I have the power to make all her dreams come true. However, she wants me to look, I can do it. That’s the power of glamour.”

  Shelley shook her head. “No. You as you are, is what is her perfect match.”

  But I wasn’t listening. I would be Zara’s ideal man and she would be my fairy queen. Tonight at 8pm the magic would happen, and then with any luck she wouldn’t have tidied her house and I could go back to hers for the best night ever.

  Shelley’s phone rang again. She answered it and then passed it to me. “It’s Ebony, for you.”

  “H- hello.”

  “You might want to give some thoughts to your nocturnal habits. It’s been a while. Zara might have cobwebs elsewhere if you catch my drift. Okay, darling?”

  I handed the phone back with trembling hands. “It would appear I am to be of service to the lady and not just in cleaning her abode.” I coughed.

  Kim perked up. “Oooh, I can give you lots of advice.”

  “Come see me in the office if you survive this.” Shelley said, clutching my shoulder and squeezing gently.

  Chapter Six

  Zara

  Well I’d said my piece and thankfully Shelley understood and had immediately sorted out another date for me. I wasn’t all that ecstatic that I would be standing at the side of the fireplace again and hoped the fact it would be a Monday evening would mean I wouldn’t be sharing the same company as at the weekend. Christ, it was a good job we’d not stayed near the fireplace with the amount of methane that had come out of Denny. The building would have exploded.

  When I’d got up this morning, there were still the pots there from the night before and my dirty laundry laid where I’d dropped it. I’d make sure to have another skinful of vodka and coke tonight to test my theory on whether or not it made me clean up. In the meantime, I had some work to do. I parked my bum on the sofa, an open packet of biscuits at the side of me, and I proceeded to eat the whole lot while I played the latest game I’d been sent to trial.

  Thankfully, for this date I had clean clothes to put on. Okay, they’d not made it any further than their place on the dining table where drunk me had left them, but at least none of them had sanitary pads stuck to them. I still double checked. This time I went for a pair of soft, comfy jeans and a baggy, black, glittery top. I needed the baggy top because I couldn’t get the zip on my jeans up. Looked like the sitting down and biscuit eating was taking its toll.

  So there I found myself walking into the pub at five to eight on a Monday night, and oh my fucking God, was that him? I found a tall, dark, and handsome guy standing there already. I made my way over.

  “Are you Boone?”

  “I am.” He beamed at me. Perfect white teeth dazzled me. I was already in love. How the hell was this guy single? He looked like Theo James, my ideal fantasy man!

  “And you must be Zara. Do you know that Zara is the Russian name for Princess? You would make an incredible princess or queen.”

  And you look like a Disney Prince. Whoa, get down, libido.

  “I did know that, and in Hebrew it means seed. That’s not as attractive sounding is it?”

  “Actually, that is just as amazing. For seeds are nature’s finest are they not, from which the beautiful flowers grow?”

  I smiled. Boone was entirely charming. In fact, he was a little too charming. But I couldn’t complain. That’s what I’d put I wanted on my application.

  Ideal man:

  Dark-haired, dark-eyed, facial hair. Good dental hygiene. Charming, attentive. Likes action films but will also sit through a chick flick. Will happily spend all night playing computer games.

  That was what I could remember anyway. I�
��d written a good paragraph.

  “Let me get you a drink. What would you like?”

  “A vodka and coke please.” Date to impress or not, I wanted to check out my cleaning theory.

  Boone asked me to find us a seat while he went to the bar. He returned with my drink and a real ale for himself.

  “So what do you do for a living, Boone?” I asked him. I wanted to see what a six-foot-three walking sex god did as a job. Male model? Gigolo?”

  “I’m a cleaner.”

  I snorted vodka out through my nostrils. “Pardon?”

  “You know, someone who cleans buildings. I clean restaurants after they close.”

  “Well, someone has to, I guess.”

  “You sound like you’re not enamoured with my job?” An amused smirk lit his features.

  “Oh, I’m so pleased there are people who do what you do. I just don’t like cleaning. It’s all, well, icky.”

  He laughed at that. A great, deep boom.

  Our evening carried on with us getting to know each other. He was completely my type on paper, or rather on application form, but… he was too perfect. Shelley was going to lynch me when I told her my date was everything I’d asked for, but still not quite what I wanted. Maybe I was rushing too far ahead and needed to get to know Boone a little better. I’d definitely like to road test him in bed that was for sure. Yes, I’d invite him back to mine.

  He took hold of my hand on the way home. Not afraid of public displays of affection. His hand was huge and warm, with a firm grip and I got a little excited wondering what those fingers might do to me later that night.

  “Can we just pop into this supermarket?” I asked Boone as we walked past the Aldi.

  “Sure.”

  “You wait outside. I won’t be long.”

  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of coke because I’d not been able to drink as much as the other night as Boone had insisted on buying my drinks. I’d only been able to order three singles. Then I added a box of condoms, a jar of coffee, some teabags, and a fresh pint of milk, along with a packet of cookies. That way I figured I had every eventuality covered.