Him

by Carey Heywood

  He keeps me entertained with all of his exploits in Florida. He has always been a bit of a player. When he speaks, though, I notice something I hadn’t before. As happy as he seems to be, part of me wonders if some of that is more for show. Could he be lonely? That isn’t something you just come out and ask someone, but the thought troubles me. When I first moved to New Jersey, my uncle Chip had become my hope that I could live alone and be happy, never settling down. If that had changed for him, what would it mean for me?

  I am so distracted making the iris sprays I almost forget I still need to get a gift. I borrow my dad's car and go to Crate & Barrel. I’m able to get a list of what Brian and Christine had registered for and what is in stock. Waiting until the last minute means most of the cool things they want have already been purchased. I settle with getting them a side table, assuming it is still on their list because no one wants to pay for shipping. When I look back at the list, I notice they had actually registered for two tables, and someone had already bought one. The table is heavy, though, so I need help getting it to my dad's car. I make my way over to the customer service and almost turn around and leave once I see her. I don’t need to see her nametag to know who will be helping me.

  "Hi, Jessica."

  "Well, I'll be. If it isn’t Sarah Miller."

  I guess she recognizes me too.

  She leans down and sets her chin on her hand. No missing the rock on her ring finger now. "I haven’t seen you in forever. In town for a visit?"

  I’m not sure I will ever forget the last time I saw her. "My brother is getting married. I actually need help getting a table I'm buying out to my car."

  Jessica straightens and presses a button on a Bluetooth-looking thing on her ear. "Carry out assistance needed at service desk," She takes her hand away and looks back at me. "Someone will be up in just a moment. Weddings are the best." She holds out her hand to ensure I see her ring. "I'm getting married in the fall."

  "Oh, congratulations."

  "Anyone special in your life, Sarah?"

  I cringe and shake my head.

  "I always thought you and Will would be married by now."

  "Excuse me?"

  "I always felt…" She tilts her head and changes the subject. "Would you like me to ring you up here?"

  "That'd be great. Thanks."

  "It's my pleasure."

  I see that someone is now behind me, so after paying for the table, I move away from the desk. A high school aged kid with a back brace comes to carry the table out for me. As we exit, Jessica waves at me, smiling, I look at my hand, shocked when I see I'm waving back. I tip the kid a five after he's done loading it and head home. It's hard not to dwell on what Jessica said. After I park, I go and find my dad to ask what I should do about the table. When I explain how heavy it is, he tells me to just leave it in the car. Brian can swing by in the morning with Will and take my dad's car to his place to unload it. My uncle Chip is still hanging out in the living room watching TV. I pick up where I left off and make more sprays.

  I am on the last spray when my mom gets back from her errands. She hurries into the room, asking why I haven’t started getting ready for dinner. I’m almost offended. How long does she think it will take me to get presentable? I finish the spray and add it to the completed pile. My mother is barking orders at my uncle as I head up the stairs. It’s not like I did any heavy labor today, so I don’t need to take another shower. I take out my dress, thanking the gods of wrinkle-resistant jersey as I shake it out. It is a charcoal, button-up, shirt-style dress with three quarter sleeves. I do my best to curl my hair the same way Christine had the other night. It doesn’t come out as good but still looks pretty when I pull half of it up with a clip. Giving myself a once over after I finish my makeup, I’m happy with how I look.

  I turn to check the time. It only took me thirty-five minutes. I consider finding my mother to prove I can clean up nice quickly but don’t want to interrupt her. I slip on some black heels, grab my clutch, and go downstairs. My father is straightening his tie in the hall mirror. When he sees me, he whistles.

  "Oh, dad," I huff, secretly thrilled. He isn’t much of a talker but always seems to know what to say or do to make me feel good.

  My uncle Chip comes down the stairs next. We hang out in the living room, waiting for my mother. She takes forever to get ready. She is notorious for changing her mind on what to wear frequently before going out. My dad only checks his watch three more times before she comes down the stairs. I have to grin. She looks beautiful. She wears a shin-length, rose-shaded, sheath-style dress with a floral scarf. She knows she looks good and pauses to let us admire her before coming the rest of the way down the stairs. My father puts his arm out to her, leaning in to whisper something in her ear when she takes it. She blushes and giggles like a schoolgirl.

  Ever been so happy for someone and so aware of how lonely their happiness makes you feel at the same time? Chip offers me his arm with a wink, and shrugging, I take it. We may not have dates, but it’s a relief to know I will have someone to hang out with tonight. The restaurant we are going to is a bit of a drive, on a local lake. I have a mild panic attack when I realize which lake. Sometimes I feel like I will never be free of that night. I square my shoulders and tell myself to grow up. It was seven years ago. Besides, I am looking forward to meeting Christine's parents and seeing the rest of the wedding party. Well, everyone except Will.

  Our group is in a banquet room that opens up on to a deck over the lake. It’s a beautiful June evening, and the wide French doors are opened to let in the fresh evening air. I’m curious about mosquitoes but see citronella candle torches lining the deck railing. The flames mirror on the smooth surface of the lake. Chip graciously leads me to my table before joining my parents at the grown ups table. I am not surprised to find myself seated by Will. We are the only single people in the wedding party. Will looks edible, and in some cruel coincidence, I notice his charcoal suit matches my dress perfectly. He brings his hand up to scratch the back of his head. I can not help but flush as I watch his eyes drift over me.

  "How are you feeling?" he asks as I slide into my seat.

  Oh, the migraine. "Um, better. Thank you." I avoid his eyes.

  "I just—"

  "Don't."

  He doesn’t stop. "—wanted to tell you how beautiful I think you look tonight."

  I look at my hands in my lap as I spin my ring. "Thank you."

  "So what happened the other day?"

  Shit. "Nothing."

  "Sarah—"

  I glare at him, relieved when I see Brian and Christine behind him. "Excuse me," I say getting up.

  He grabs my wrist. My mouth drops as I stare at his hand. When he doesn’t let go, I look at him. My brows are raised, and he's chewing the corner of his lips. I know what he wants. I can still read his facial expressions. He wants me to let him in. As much as part of me will always want to, I'm smart enough to know how it would all end. I shake my head, and he drops his hand. I hurry towards Brian and Christine, not expecting Will to follow me. I suck in a breath when I feel his hand on the small of my back as he comes to stand next to me.

  I try to ignore it. "Brian, Christine, I am so sorry about the other day."

  Brian leans into me and kisses my cheek. "Don’t worry about it."

  Christine pulls me into a hug. "Are you feeling better?"

  I nod. "I am, thank you."

  Brian looks at Will next to me and gives him a look. Will shrugs. I'm rescued, though, by Christine as she takes my hand to take me around the room to introduce me to her family. Her parents are divorced and both remarried. They seem to get along well enough, and I quickly shake their hands and say hello. Christine's maternal grandmother is also here and wastes no time asking if Will is my boyfriend. When I let her know he is not, she asks Christine for his number. I gape at her until she winks at me, letting me know she's joking, adding she already has a boyfriend. Um, coolest grandma ever. My grandmother on my dad's side is com
ing for the wedding, but her health is bad so my parents didn’t want to stress her out with dinner tonight.

  Christine and I head back over to our table. Will and I are seated across from her and Brian. Her maid of honor, Justine, and her husband, Curtis, are seated next to Christine. Another couple, Jacob and his wife, are on the other side of Brian. Roman and his girlfriend, Cindy, are sitting next to me. There is another couple on the other side of Will, but they are doing a reading during the ceremony and had not been out with us the other night, so I don’t know what their names are.

  Over dinner, Will sits quietly next to me. For a brief moment, I wonder if he is going to leave me alone. Then I feel his leg press against mine. I flinch, dropping my fork. It clangs loudly, and everyone looks at me. I elbow him when I hear him chuckle. I shiver when I feel his breath at my ear.

  "I knew you would touch me at some point."

  My eyes snap to his. He’s leaned back, and his arm is resting across the back of my chair.

  "It was my elbow," I hiss.

  He shrugs. "Still counts."

  "That does not count."

  "It does, and now you're talking to me too."

  My brows furrow, and I know my face looks like I just sucked on a lemon. I take a deep breath. "I don’t understand why you're doing this."

  He leans towards me. "Doing what?"

  "This," I huff, gesturing between us.

  "What? Talking to you?"

  I groan and cringe when I see Brian glance at me. He looks concerned. I turn to Will and whisper. "Acting like nothing happened."

  His blue eyes pierce me. "I'm not acting like nothing happened."

  I scoff, now earning me a glance from Christine.

  "Then what are you doing?"

  He's chewing on the corner of his bottom lip. He leans back as a server comes around to collect our plates. "I just want you to talk to me."

  I roll my eyes. I can't help it. "I'm talking to you right now, Will."

  He smirks. "No you're not, you're sitting there, rolling your eyes. You might be hearing the words I'm saying, but we are not talking."

  "I seriously don’t understand what you're trying to say."

  I look up when the slide show starts. The room is quiet when "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol starts in the background. That song, with the pictures, I just can't look away. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Brian wipe a tear from Christine's cheek and give her a chaste kiss on the lips. I become hyperaware of Will next to me. He leans forward, only to pull back again when the dessert dishes come out. He watches me as I stab at my cheesecake. I take a bite, letting it melt on my tongue, trying to block out Will altogether. I just don’t know what to do with him, and he doesn’t seem capable of telling me. He pushes his plate away and crosses his arms over his chest.

  I jump when he suddenly leans towards me again. "Sarah, can we talk outside?"

  It's his expression that makes me say yes. I take a sip of my water before I stand, refusing his hand. He gestures for me to go first, coming beside me, his hand again on my back. The heat emanating from his fingertips burns me through my dress. My eyelids flutter as he leads me to a path that winds near the lake. There is a bench. I sit first but move when Will sits too close to me. He stares at the space between us before looking out over the lake. I want to do the same, but I can't seem to tear my eyes from him.

  Will leans down and rests his head in his hands. I resist the urge to rub his back. He just seems so, I don’t really know, but I know it's making me want to comfort him. He takes a deep breath before he lifts his head to look at me. I can see the light from the restaurant behind us reflected in his eyes.

  "The slideshow was beautiful, Will."

  He doesn’t say anything for the longest time.

  "Sarah, why did you leave?"

  I close my eyes and shake my head, stopping when I feel his hand cup my cheek. I start to lean into it until I realize what I'm doing and jerk back, my eyes wide. His hand remains suspended in midair for a beat before he lowers it to his leg. I look back towards the lake, crossing my arms over my chest, my hands rubbing warmth into my upper arms. Will shrugs off his jacket, and I lean forward for him to drape over my shoulders. I'm surrounded by his scent. I hazard to look at him and regret it. Why is he doing this? I stand and take a couple of steps forward, needing some distance between us. The gesture is pointless when he follows me.

  Fine. He wants to know why I left. I pull off his jacket and thrust it to him. As his hand grips the material, I breathe one word before I take off back to the restaurant. "Jessica."

  Chapter 12

  Past

  "I'm so sorry." I've lost count over how many times I've said it. Will's Italian language CD is still on. Piove, it is raining, I hear in the background.

  "Sarah, calm down. It was not your fault."

  I just can't get the look Will's mom gave me out of my head. "I just feel so bad."

  He puts his hand on my leg, making me melt. "I don't."

  "I just want your mom to like me."

  He squeezes my leg and gives me a lopsided grin.

  When we pull up to my house, I expect him to just drop me off. Instead, he parks and follows me inside. "What about your mom?"

  He drops a kiss to the back of my neck before reaching into the backseat to grab his camera case. "I'm going to let her stew."

  "Will!"

  I open the door, and he pulls me towards my bedroom, shutting the door behind him. I kick off my shoes and flop onto my bed, my heart pounding. Will has been in my room hundreds of times, but this time, it feels different. Click. I look up to see him grinning behind his camera. He sets it back in its case on my desk, stepping out of his shoes and coming to stretch out next to me. He's on his side, facing me. His hand moves up to my face to brush some hair behind my ear. I look at him and smile. Will Price is on my bed. I don’t want to close my eyes. I'm too afraid that when I wake, it will all be a dream. I move closer to him, and he does the same thing until we meet in the middle of my bed, facing each other. I put my hands on the sides of his face and his arm snakes around my waist. We kiss, his arm pulling me even closer as his tongue teases mine. We are like this when my older brother, Brian, opens the door.

  We spring apart as Brian mutters. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

  "Ahhh," is all I can come up with.

  "How long has this been going on?" He gestures between the two of us.

  Will regains his voice before I do. He reaches out to take my hand. "Not long."

  "And you're already making out like that on her bed? Wait, don’t you have a girlfriend?" Brian looks like he's going to punch Will.

  "They broke up."

  "And my little sister is your rebound?"

  Will's eyes widen. "She's not a rebound. I broke up with Jessica for her."

  He did? I smile at him, and he sweeps his thumb across the back of my hand.

  "Sarah, go to my room. I want to talk to Will alone." Brian pops his knuckles.

  Oh shit. "What? No way. Anything you want to say to Will you can say in front of me."

  Will squeezes my hand. "It's okay, Sarah."

  Brian motions towards his room with his head.

  "Fine," I grumble, squeezing Will's hand one more time before I let go.

  Brian shuts my door behind me. I walk into his room and sit on his bed. The fact that I know they are talking about me but I don’t know what either of them are saying is driving me crazy. I nervously spin my ring until Brian opens the door, and Will walks out into the hallway.

  I jump off Brian's bed and run over to him "What'd he say?"

  Brian looks back and forth between us. "What I said was for Will's ears only, but here's something for the both of you. No more hanging out in your room together, period. Get your asses down to the family room before I tell mom and dad what I saw you two doing."

  "Brian," I whine.

  He shakes his head and points down the stairs.

  "I need to grab my camer
a," Will explains, stepping back into my room. Brian waits, watching him until he's back out of my room. Taking Will's hand, I slowly walk down the stairs and tug him towards the family room.

  He stops me. "I should probably head home."

  I glare up at Brian, who shrugs and walks into his bedroom.

  "Are you sure?"

  "You heard my mom. Walk me out?"

  I nod and walk out barefoot. Will must have put his shoes back on after Brian was done talking to him. We walk out to his car. He puts his camera case on the floor of the backseat and shuts the door. He leans his back against his door and pulls me to his chest, wrapping his arms around my waist.

  "What did Brian say to you?" I ask, resting my cheek on his chest, smiling as I listen to his heart beat.

  He lifts my chin so I'm looking up at him. "Nothing any good big brother wouldn’t say."

  He dips his head and presses his lips to mine. I rest my arms on his shoulders and run my fingers through his hair.

  He breaks our kiss and rests his forehead on mine. "You know you're not a rebound, right?"

  I didn’t, but I don’t doubt the sincerity of his question so I nod my head. He lifts me off the ground and kisses me again. I don’t want him to leave, but after a few moments, he sets me back down and does.

  "Call me after you talk to your mom," I yell as he's backing away.

  I will, he mouths.

  I hurry back inside and race up to Brian's room, flinging his door open. "What did you say to Will?"

  Brian is lying on his bed, his telephone to his ear. "Hey, let me go," he says before hanging up. I walk over and sit on the edge of his bed.

  He sits up and leans against his headboard, his brown hair flopping into his eyes. "Look, I only told him that I'll kill him and no one will ever find the body if he hurts you."

  "Brian," I gasp. "I cannot believe you did that. What if you've scared him away?"