Him

by Carey Heywood

  He laughs at me. "Sarah, that boy has been in love with you for years."

  "No, he hasn’t." I wrinkle my nose at him. "Um, everyone at our school likes him. He's wonderful."

  "I don’t know why he waited this long, but it's the truth."

  "You're crazy, and if you scared him away, I'll never forgive you."

  Brian moves closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. "Nothing is going to scare that boy away from you." He kisses my temple before laying back down. "Now get out and shut the door behind you. I'm trying to iron out my Friday night over here," he says, picking his phone back up.

  I shut his door a bit harder than necessary and go into my room, checking my phone to make sure Will hasn’t called yet. What a day. With the exception of Will's mom finding us asleep together on a deck chair and Brian threatening bodily harm on him, it was the best day of my entire life. I change for bed and go wash my face and brush my teeth, checking my phone again when I'm back in my room. Still no call. I do the math in my head. It takes fifteen minutes to get from my house to his, and he left an hour ago. Does that mean he's been talking to his mom for the last forty-five minutes? I wonder if she told his dad. Are they both talking to him? What if they forbid him from seeing me again?

  The not knowing is killing me. I grab my phone and text him.

  Everything ok?

  I hold my phone in front of my face like a crazy person, willing him to reply. Five minutes go by. I climb into bed and prop my phone up on a pillow in front of my face. I'm hungry. We had skipped dinner, but I ignore it. I stare at my phone so long I fall asleep, jerking when he calls me.

  "Will?"

  "Hey."

  He sounds tired. "What'd your mom say?"

  "Don’t worry about her. She was just not expecting to come home to that. I think she was more weirded out by me having someone over than us being asleep."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Cross my heart."

  I hear him yawn. "Did you want to talk more tomorrow?"

  "No, I'm good. I don’t want to hang up."

  I laugh. "You sound like you're about to fall asleep."

  "’M not," he mumbles before yawning again.

  His yawns are contagious, and I yawn. "You're making me sleepy."

  "I wish I was there."

  That makes me pout. "I wish you were too."

  "Will you go with me to prom?"

  "Really?"

  There is a long pause. "Will?" I wonder if he's fallen asleep.

  "I'm here."

  "Did you hear what I asked?"

  "I did. I was just thinking of a way to say what I wanted to say without it seeming lame."

  "Lame? Just spit it out."

  "I want everyone to see you're with me."

  I snort. "I'm pretty sure they all know that."

  "I get that they see us kiss, but I want everyone to know you're my girlfriend."

  I don’t get it. "Will, everyone knows it. Is there something else?"

  "Aren't girls supposed to be all about prom? I just want to make you happy."

  "I don't really care about prom. All I want is you, Will."

  "I'm all yours. I'd like to go only if you want to."

  Hearing him say that makes me melt. "Oh, Will. Of course I'll go to prom with you."

  Our phone conversation goes on between yawns for another fifteen minutes. After a ‘no, you hang up first’ battle, I finally hang up and fall asleep.

  Chapter 13

  Present

  Brian gives me a strange look as I return to my seat. I smile brightly and look away, blinking back tears that are threatening to spill. Why had I even gone outside with him? That was a stupid mistake, and I need to be more careful. It is taking everything not to pull out my cell phone and purchase a seat on the next flight out of here. As much as I want to escape and put as many miles as I can between myself and these painful memories, I cannot hurt my brother like that. It means so much to him that I came, and after meeting Christine, I was glad that I had, even if other stuff hurt.

  It strikes me as odd, though that in all the times Brian or my mother and I had talked over the years, neither of them had ever brought Will up. He seems pretty ensconced in their lives. Did they hide his involvement on purpose? I need to relax, I just sit there, nervously waiting for Will to come back inside and sit back down. I’m so distracted I jump when my uncle Chip lowers himself into Will's seat instead.

  "Hey, Bri. Will had to take off. He wasn’t feeling well." Chip glances at me. "He wanted me to let you know."

  He left because of me. I know it. I feel awful until I remember this is my brother's wedding. If someone should leave, it should be him, but I still feel bad. There are times I hate Will, for what had happened and for what he had done. I lost a piece of myself that night, and in all of these years, have never found it. That night changed me. I was so naïve and trusting and mostly in love. I am no longer naïve, and I cannot say with certainty I trust anyone other than myself. Love, that one I'm stuck with. As much as I hate Will sometimes, I will always love him. Sometimes, still caring for him that way is what hurts the most.

  After the reception, I ride back with Brian and Christine to their place. Brian wants to show off their condo, and I’m curious to see him living like a grown up. Their building is small, and their place is on the third floor. They have one assigned spot that Christine's car is already in, so parking is interesting given the time of night. Brian lucks out, catching a spot close to the building when someone leaves. They hold hands as I follow behind, envying the gesture. Christine turns back to point out things as we walk up. There is no elevator. Halfway up the stairs, I think about taking my shoes off, but I’d be barefoot, so gross.

  When we reached their door, I compliment the wicker wreath they have hanging on it. Something makes me guess it’s Christine's. The door opens into a little foyer. To the right, there’s an open concept living room, dining room, and a guest bedroom they use as an office, and to the left is the kitchen and master bedroom. Straight ahead are two closets and a full bath. In the middle of the foyer sits a small round wooden table with irises.

  "Must be your favorite." I gesture towards them, thinking of the sprays I assembled.

  Christine beams. "Yes, my absolute favorite. What's your favorite flower?"

  I hesitate. Only one other person knows the answer to that question. "Lilies."

  I step out of my shoes, relishing the relief that comes with being barefoot after spending too much time in heels. Brian heads into the kitchen to make us drinks while Christine and I go to their living room. She sits on their sofa while I look around. The ceilings seem taller than both my parents’ place and my place in Denver. It makes the space feel bigger than it actually is. There are framed pictures everywhere, mainly of the two of them and a few with friends. I pause to look at one of Brian and Will. It still bothers me that I had not known how close they became after I left. There are other black and white prints that catch my eye. All shadow and light across structured objects, fence posts, deck planks, back slats of a chair. They're beautiful.

  "Will took those," Christine murmurs from the sofa.

  I close my eyes, shutting them out before turning and giving her a noncommittal smile.

  Brian walks in with our drinks and sits down next to Christine. I take mine and sit across from them in a rounded armchair. It hugs me. I sink deeper into it, bringing my legs up and curled them to my side.

  "This is a great place, guys." I look at my brother. "Brian, before I forget, I picked up your wedding present today. Not to ruin the surprise, but it's a heavy ass table and in the back of dad's car. He said maybe you and Will could swing by in the morning to pick it up while we're getting our salon on." I smile at Christine and she raises her glass.

  Brian grins and looks at Christine, "So is it a dark wood end table with geometric cut out carvings on the sides?"

  Why does he look so happy? "Yeah, so?"

  "Will got us the other one."r />
  I roll my eyes and shake my head. Of course he did. Probably even chatted Jessica up when he was there.

  "Oh my gosh," Christine gushes. "It's like you two are a matched set!"

  Did she really just say that? "Well, that was fun. Let’s talk about something else now. Please."

  Brian smiles. "Anything you want, sis. I'm thrilled you like the place. When you have a sec, go check out the kitchen. We have a balcony off of it, and our bedroom overlooks the center courtyard."

  I take a sip of my drink and close my eyes. "Geez, Brian. If you're drinking what I'm drinking, are you sure you'll be able to drive me home?"

  He shrugs. "I can always have Will come pick you up."

  "Not cool," I blurt, not thinking.

  Brian leans forward. "Seriously, what is the deal between you two?"

  I look away. "Long story," and take another drink.

  "Come on, Sarah. We have all night."

  I give him a look. "No, you don’t. You're getting married tomorrow. A good night of sleep is probably in your best interest. Speaking of, are you all even supposed to be sleeping together the night before the wedding?"

  "Nice dodge." He puts his arm around Christine. "I'd like to see someone tell me to stay away. So, you, Will. What’s the deal?"

  "Brian, leave her alone. If Sarah wanted to talk about it, she would."

  I raise my glass to her. I'm liking this girl better every minute. Besides, short of booking a flight out of here, my next plan of attack is to not exhume buried skeletons. Seems safer that way. When we finish our drinks, Christine shows me the rest of their place. Their kitchen is galley-styled with an old-fashioned farmhouse table island. There are Adirondack chairs and a bistro table on their balcony. I lean against the railing and look at the courtyard below. Christine comes to stand beside me.

  "Will used to live in that one," she says, pointing to a condo across the courtyard. "When he lived there, he and Brian would try and throw a football back and forth." She shakes her head. "Never worked. One of them would always have to run down to get the ball." She pauses. "Did you hear about Will's dad?"

  I nod. "Will told me."

  "His mom is not taking it well, which I can understand. He's a good guy to take care of her."

  "Did you know about his sister?"

  Christine shakes her head. "He had an older sister who died when he was in elementary school. It was something to do with her heart."

  "That's awful. I didn’t know."

  "Growing up, I remember he never wanted to be at his house. It made him uncomfortable" I close my eyes, kicking myself for even mentioning it.

  Brian comes out. "I should probably get you back home before it gets too late."

  I hug Christine and compliment her again on their place. It feels good to see my brother settled. I slip my shoes back on and take Brian's arm when he offers it. I lean into him, feeling guilty it has been so long since the last time I saw him. He takes Sarah's car so he won't have to hunt for a spot when he gets back, opening the door for me.

  On the way to our parents’ house, he starts again. "Why can't you tell me what happened with Will?"

  I shrug. "It hurts too much."

  It’s the truth, and it shuts him up until we reach our neighborhood.

  "For what it's worth, he's hurting too."

  I shake my head, suddenly angry. "He doesn’t get to hurt."

  "Shit, Sarah. When you say stuff like that, it makes me feel like I should kick his ass."

  He parks in front of the house. "Then it's probably best that you don’t know."

  Chapter 14

  Past

  "Brian, please," I beg.

  He looks up at the ceiling "Don't you have a girl who can help you with this?" He must see my expression fall because he quickly adds, "Sure, I'll help you."

  I throw my arms around him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

  He pats my back. "Just know Will probably won't like the dress I pick out for you. I'm thinking something ankle-length with a built in hoodie."

  I pull back and glare at him. "Brian, be serious."

  "Fine, go get your purse. We can go now."

  I run upstairs to grab my purse. He's waiting for me in his car. He turns off the radio the second I have my seatbelt on. Brian is usually all about his tunes. I turn and look at him. He looks nervous.

  "Everything okay?"

  He pushes out a breath of air. "I'm actually happy we have this chance to hang out tonight. I know you and Will are getting serious, and I wanted to talk to you about that."

  I blush. He isn’t. He wouldn’t. Oh my God, I think he's going to try and talk to me about sex. "Brian…"

  "I know you probably don’t want to talk about this. Trust me. This is the last thing I want to talk to you about, but you're my baby sister, and I have to know. Have you and Will, well, you know?"

  "No!"

  He exhales. "Are you going to? Prom?"

  I spin my ring and look out the window. "This is so embarrassing."

  "You don’t think this is embarrassing me?"

  I glance over at him and have to hold back a laugh. He’s sweating. "I just, I don’t know. Don’t be mad."

  He head whips towards mine. "Mad? Why would I be mad?"

  "Ugh, Brian! You are not making this easy."

  "Fine. Shutting up. Please continue."

  "Will doesn’t want to rush me…"

  "Otherwise, I'd kill him."

  "Brian!"

  "Right, shutting up."

  "I think I want to, you know, do it." I wait for him to say something. "Brian?"

  He holds up a finger so I wait, in silence, in his car, after just telling my big brother I want to have sex with my boyfriend.

  It feels like forever before he replies. "I think you should go on the pill."

  "Will you help me?"

  "Dude, you even notice we're not headed to the mall anymore?"

  I look around and realize I have no clue where we are. "Where are we going?"

  "Free clinic. You're getting on the pill."

  "Brian, how do you know where the free clinic is?"

  He shrugs. "Not my first rodeo."

  "Eww."

  He just laughs and pulls into the parking lot of a small brown building.

  "Are you going to come in with me?"

  "Sure."

  After I'm signed in, we wait thirty minutes before the physician is able to see me. Brian waits for me in the waiting room during my exam. My doctor is a woman. I think I would have been so embarrassed if it was a guy. She talks to me about STDs and how my pills will not protect against them and to use a condom as well. She puts some in a bag with my pills. She also explains when I should start taking the pills and how long I need to be taking them before they're effective. Brian stands up and walks over to me as soon as I walk back into the waiting room. I giggle when I realize the staff probably thinks he's my boyfriend. Gross.

  "You okay?" he asks.

  "Let's just get out of here."

  Once we're in his car, he turns and asks again.

  "I am. Thanks for taking me. It was just weird."

  "I love you, Sarah, and I really don’t want to be an uncle anytime soon."

  I punch his arm. "I love you too."

  "Still feel like," he takes a deep breath, "dress shopping?"

  I grin and nod.

  He rolls his eyes and heads towards the mall.

  ~*~

  "So what color is your dress?"

  I close my locker. "Not telling you."

  He grabs my hand. "I just need to know what color corsage to get you."

  "Oh, I thought you—never mind. It's black."

  He chews the corner of his mouth. "Do they have black flowers?"

  I laugh and stand on my tip toes to kiss him. "Black goes with anything, silly. We can pick whatever color we want."

  He holds the door open for me as we walk out to the parking lot. "So what color corsage do you want?"

  I c
ringe. "I don’t know. White or red. What do you think?"

  He slips my backpack off my shoulder and tosses it with his into the backseat of his car. Closing the door, he leans me up against his car, pressing his hips against mine. "Anything you want," he whispers in my ear as he kisses my neck.

  "I want you."

  He lifts his head and looks in my eyes "I'm sorry. I missed that."

  I blush but hold his gaze. "I want you."

  He dips his head to kiss me. "You got me, Miller Lite."

  "Will," I sigh.

  His brows come together. "What?"

  We turn our heads when someone shouts hello across the parking lot for us get a room. Will kisses me again and reaches behind me to open my door for me. When we're both in his car, he turns to me and asks if I'm okay.

  I look down at my ring and spin it before I look up at him. "Do you want to, you know, have sex with me?"

  His eyes widen. "Of course, but I don’t want you to feel rushed."

  "I don’t," I watch as he closes his eyes, "want to wait."

  His eyes pop open and snap to mine.

  I say it again. "I don’t want to wait."

  His mouth is on mine, his fingers threaded through my hair. A tap on the driver's side window brings us back to earth. Our school's track coach motions for us to hit the road. Will nods, adjusting his shorts before he starts his car.

  Once we're on the main road going towards my house, Will speaks. "Are you sure?"

  Yes. We’ve only been dating for just over a month, but it’s Will. There is no other person on the planet I would trust more for my first time. Besides, how many people can say they lost their virginity to someone they had been in love with for over six years?

  "I love you.."

  He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles while he drives. "I love you so much, Sarah Miller, so much."

  I exhale and unsuccessfully try to blink back tears as I sniffle. Will, my Will, just told me he loves me. I feel this pressure within my chest as though it's expanding with emotion I am unable to contain. Will tightly grips my hand as he keeps glancing over at me with a concerned expression on his face. He relaxes once he's parked in front of my house.