Future Ratboy and the Invasion of the Nom Noms

by Jim Smith

  I looked behind me and spotted a cloud of multicoloured Nom Noms zooming towards us through the air. ‘NOT!’ squawked Not Bird, waggling his thimble beak-protector off his beak.

  He flew up to the Nom Noms and opened his mouth. ‘NOM . . . nom?’ screeched the Nom Nom at the front, disappearing into Not Bird’s mouth.

  ‘Looks like somebody’s ready for their lunch!’ cried Jamjar, jumping over the wall with Splorg as Not Bird flew forwards and swallowed the whole cloud.

  ‘Exkeelent work, Not Bird!’ I said, scrabbling up the wall. ‘OOF!’ I blurted, tumbling over it and looking around.

  We’d landed in an old-fashioned playground, a bit like the ones I used to go to with my mum and dad and little sister when I was Colin Lamppost.

  There was a slide, a roundabout, two swings and a seesaw. All of them were rusty and paint-chipped and didn’t look like they were from the future at all.

  In the corner of the playground stood a scuffed-up old vending machine, stacked full of mouldy-looking snacks.

  ‘Now what?’ said Splorg, standing up and dusting himself down. Not that there’s any dust in the future.

  ‘I’ve got to get my bin back!’ I cried, plonking my bum down on a swing and trying to come up with a plan.

  ‘What are you, CRAZY, Ratboy?’ said Twoface, climbing the ladder to the top of the slide and zooming down it head first. ‘Did you see what came out of that thing?’

  Jamjar gave the roundabout a shove and jumped on. ‘Twoface is right, Ratboy – it’s too dangerous to go back to X BURGER,’ she said, the roundabout squeaking round and round.

  ‘Come on you lot, are you scaredy cats or something?’ I said. ‘Don’t you wanna find out what’s going on with Dr Smell?’

  Splorg stroked the end of his nose where the Nom Nom had bitten it. ‘It WAS a bit . . . unusual . . . in there, wasn’t it,’ he said. His eyes had glazed over, the way mine do when I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat for tea.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about that too,’ said Jamjar, pushing her glasses up her nose.

  ‘Why in the keelness would Dr Smell want to eat a cardboard flavour burger when Bunny’s are so delishy-wishious? It doesn’t make any sense!’

  ‘Mr X is up to something, that’s for sure!’ said Twoface, as Not Bird sat on one end of the seesaw and it clunked to the ground from the weight of all the Nom Noms in his belly.

  ‘Erm, I don’t want to interfere or anything, but perhaps I could be of assistance?’ warbled a friendly old voice coming from the corner of the playground, and we all turned round to face it.

  There in the corner of the playground stood the vending machine.

  ‘That thing looks way too old to have a speech module,’ said Jamjar, walking over to it. She whipped her Triangulator out, slid one of its corners into the vending machine’s coin slot and pressed a few buttons.

  ‘A-ha, looks like it was modified back in the seven millionth century!’

  Twoface walked over and peered through the vending machine’s scratched-up window at the mouldy snacks inside. ‘Did you say something, Mr Vending Machine?’ he asked, tapping on the glass.

  ‘I couldn’t help overhearing you talking about X BURGER,’ chimed the vending machine, his flap swinging open and shut all squeakily. ‘Maybe I can help? My name’s not Mr Vending Machine, by the way. It’s The Wise Old Vending Machine.’

  ‘Oh. Nice to meet you, The Wise Old Vending Machine,’ said Twoface. ‘We just came from X BURGER. Dr Smell and some other weirdos were having their lunch inside. Which is strange, because they usually go to Bunny Deli.’

  The light bulb inside The Wise Old Vending Machine flickered as he listened.

  ‘Not only that, but Ratboy’s wheelie bin was the waiter!’ said Jamjar.

  Splorg sat on the seesaw opposite Not Bird. ‘Anyone else feeling peckish?’ he said, licking his lips.

  I looked at Not Bird to see if he thought it was weird that there was a talking vending machine having a chat with Twoface and Jamjar, but he didn’t seem that bothered.

  ‘Now Wheelie’s locked himself in a room at the back of the restaurant and we can’t get him out,’ said Twoface. ‘And without Wheelie, Ratboy won’t be able to zap himself home!’

  The Wise Old Vending Machine nodded as Twoface pressed one of the buttons on his front.

  A packet of mouldy crisps whirred off a ledge behind his window and dropped into the little compartment behind his flap. ‘Ooh, crisps!’ grinned Twoface, sticking his hand through the flap and grabbing them.

  ‘I’d give those a miss if I were you,’ chimed The Wise Old Vending Machine. ‘They went off in 1987.’

  ‘How long have you been here, exactly?’ said Twoface, placing the crisps on top of The Wise Old Vending Machine like a little crinkly hat.

  ‘Let’s just say sales haven’t been good for the last few million years or so,’ said The Wise Old Vending Machine. ‘Now, about getting this bin back – have you thought about using one of the Ancient Giant Worm Tunnels?’

  ‘What in the name of unkeelness are the Ancient Giant Worm Tunnels?’ said Twoface.

  The Wise Old Vending Machine smiled. Or at least he swung his flap open and shut. ‘There are Ancient Giant Worm Tunnels all over Shnozville,’ he said.

  He looked over at a manhole cover in the ground next to him.

  ‘They’re left over from the Ancient Giant Worms. There’s bound to be one that leads to the little room at the back of X BURGER.’

  ‘Giant worms?’ said Splorg, and Not Bird’s ears pricked up. Not that he’s exackeely GOT ears.

  ‘Yes, didn’t you know?’ said The Wise Old Vending Machine. ‘Shnozville was ruled by giant worms from the planet CLORGLEFLUMP for thousands of years. They lived underground most of the time, in their giant wormholes. There’s still a few of them alive down there, apparently!’

  ‘NOT!’ squawked Not Bird, looking all excited at the thought of a giant worm for pudding, and we all had a good chuckle, until Twoface suddenly stopped chuckling and did his serious faces.

  ‘Hang on a millikeels, why are we all chuckling?’ he said. ‘It’s not like we actukeely WANT to climb through a giant worm tunnel and pop out into a tiny room with a crazy bin waiter inside it waiting to kill us all with Nom Noms, is it?’

  Splorg stopped chuckling too. ‘Twoface has a point,’ he said. ‘Shall we just stay here and play on the swings instead?’

  ‘Urgh, and you call yourselves superheroes?’ I said.

  ‘Actually, that’s just Twoface,’ said Splorg, his eyes staring blankly in front of him like he was watching TV.

  I turned to Jamjar, who was standing next to the manhole cover, her glasses beginning to slide down her nose.

  ‘It’s not just about me getting home,’ I said. ‘We’ve got to find out what’s making Bunny’s customers want to eat X BURGERS instead of cheesebleurghers! If we don’t, Bunny Deli will close down – and then what’ll happen to poor old Bunny?’

  Jamjar whipped her Triangulator out and prised the manhole cover open with it. She poked her nose into the hole and peered up at Twoface and Splorg.

  ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Ratboy’s right,’ she said. ‘We have to help Bunny!’

  ‘Take care down there, kiddywinkles,’ warbled The Wise Old Vending Machine as we lowered ourselves down the ladder and pulled the manhole cover over our heads. ‘Watch out for the giant worms!’

  ‘Dark down here, isn’t it,’ said Splorg, waggling his nose. ‘Something smells goooood though!’

  ‘I can’t smell anything,’ said Twoface, as I looked around for a plug socket to plug my plug into.

  ‘If only I could light up my telly belly,’ I mumbled. ‘It’s SO annoying that it only lights up when my tail is plugged in. Or when somebody in trouble flashes up on its screen . . .’

  ‘WAY too much information, Ratboy!’ said Twoface, doing a fake yawn, and Jamjar giggled.

  ‘Floaty – activate glow-mode!’ she smiled, and the F
loaty Note 6000 started to fizzle bright yellow and light up the blackness.

  We walked forwards five steps and came to a fork. I don’t mean a fork for eating with. I mean a fork in the tunnel, when there’s two ways to go and you don’t know which one to take.

  Then I looked down and saw an ACTUAL REAL LIFE fork, just lying on the ground, all bent and muddy. Not that I had time to wonder how THAT got there.

  I said in my superhero voice as Splorg walked straight past me, breathing in through his nostrils.

  he said, heading round the corner, down the tunnel to the right.

  Jamjar pulled her Triangulator out and pointed it at Splorg. ‘Hmmm, there’s something fishy going on here,’ she whispered, so Splorg couldn’t hear. ‘Or should I say . . .

  ‘Yeah, how can he smell X BURGERS when they’re one hundred and twelve per cent cardboard?’ I said. ‘Cardboard doesn’t SMELL!’

  And that was when there was a weird noise.

  ‘Er, did you hear that noise?’ I said.

  ‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird, but only because he hasn’t really got ears.

  ‘What IS that?’ said Twoface, pulling out his ray gun.

  ‘Oh, guy-uys . . . you might want to take a look at this,’ said Splorg, and we all peered round the corner.

  ‘G-g-giant worm!’ cried Jamjar, dropping her Triangulator, and it bounced along the floor towards the giant worm that was filling the tunnel with its disgusting face.

  The worm had seventeen eyes, all of them glowing red. Two pairs of shiny black claws snipped at the air, and its teeth dripped with browny-yellow drool.

  ‘FLUUURGGGH!!!’ roared the worm, snaffling up the Triangulator.

  ‘My Triangulator!’ shrieked Jamjar, running past Splorg towards the giant worm’s mouth.

  ‘Jamjar, NOOOOO!!!’ I cried, as the giant worm’s mouth opened to the width of the tunnel and swallowed Jamjar whole.

  Splorg turned round. His black eyeballs had turned grey. ‘We have to do something!’ he squeaked.

  ‘B-b-but the worm!’ stuttered Twoface, tiptoeing backwards.

  ‘As long as we make it past the teeth we should be OK,’ I said, even though I was only really guessing. ‘The rest is just worm-insides!’

  Splorg waggled his nostrils and took a long sniff. ‘Plus X BURGER is at the end of this tunnel!’ he shouted. ‘We HAVE to go through the worm to get to it!’

  ‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird and Twoface at the same time, and I stepped forwards and put my hands on my hips, superhero style.

  I shouted, tucking Not Bird under my arm and grabbing Splorg’s and Twoface’s hands. I bit the corner of the Floaty Note 6000 and crossed my ratty toes.

  I cried and the Floaty Note 6000 zoomed forwards through the air, dragging us straight into the mouth of the giant worm.

  ‘See, I told you it wouldn’t be so bad!’ said Twoface, pretending he hadn’t been scared. It was three billiseconds later and we were squelching our way through the worm.

  It was sort of the same as being in the tunnel, except squidgier. The walls were all rubbery and drips of wormy-smelling goo dribbled from the wobbly ceiling above our heads.

  ‘Jamjar, where are you?’ I cried.

  ‘Yeurgh! It’s like being inside a giant nostril!’ said Splorg, twitching his own tiny little ones.

  called Jamjar, her voice muffled by the meaty worm walls.

  ‘Oh this is just fantastikeels,’ said Twoface. ‘All we did was pop out for a few bits, and now we’re in the middle of a giant worm on our way to have a fight with a robot bin!’

  ‘I know, exciting isn’t it!’ I said, treading on what looked like a half-chewed-up hover-poo.

  We turned a corner inside the worm and spotted Jamjar. ‘Found it!’ she grinned, pulling her arm out of a brown jellyish ball of slime and holding up the Triangulator.

  ‘Brillikeels. Can we get the unkeelness out of here now, please?’ said Twoface.

  ‘This way,’ said Jamjar, pointing at a hole that was opening and closing. ‘We just have to get through the intestines!’

  ‘Well that was lovely,’ said Twoface, plopping out of the giant worm’s bum and landing on the tunnel floor.

  ‘Anyone need a handy wipe?’ said Splorg, scraping a splodge of worm poo off his forehead with the Floaty Note 6000 and passing it to me.

  The Floaty Note 6000 looked at me, or at least pointed its writing side in my direction. ‘I’m all right thanks,’ I said, feeling a bit sorry for it.

  ‘Hey, look at this!’ said Jamjar, pointing to a ladder leading up to a manhole cover.

  There were some strange letters dented into the underneath side of the cover.

  ‘REGRUB X?’ said Twoface, reading them out loud.

  ‘Maybe it’s some kind of ancient giant worm language?’ I said, trying to sound clever.

  ‘Language smanguage. Who can smell X BURGERS?’ said Splorg, sounding excited.

  ‘X BURGER! That’s it!’ said Jamjar, clicking two of her fingers.

  said Twoface.

  ‘The manhole cover – it says X BURGER, but back to front!’ said Jamjar, and I Future-Ratboy-flipped my eyeballs round so they could read in reverse.

  ‘X BURGER!’ cried Twoface, copying what Jamjar had just said. ‘It says X BURGER, but back to front!’

  Jamjar heaved the manhole cover open and we peeked our heads up through the hole into the tiny silver room at the back of X BURGER.

  ‘This is it! It must be Mr X’s control room,’ said Jamjar, looking around.

  ‘All clear,’ said Twoface, climbing out of the hole and glancing about. ‘Looks like Wheelie sneaked back into the restaurant once we left!’

  ‘Oh brilliant,’ I said, looking at the locked metal door. ‘I just climbed through a giant worm for nothing!’

  As well as all the TV screens and different-shaped buttons I’d seen on the walls earlier, there was also a small dingy window on the side of the room that faced the restaurant.

  ‘Hey look, there’s Dr Smell! I can’t believe he’s STILL here,’ said Twoface, peering through the little window.

  Dr Smell was sitting at his table, biting into another X BURGER. Wheelie was wheeling around the restaurant, picking up empty wrappers and wiping tables. ‘Twoface, get down!’ I cried. ‘Wheelie’ll spot you!’

  ‘Don’t worry, Ratboy,’ said Jamjar. ‘It’s a two-way mirror. I spotted it when we were in X BURGER earlier – this side’s a window and the other is a reflective surface.’

  ‘Oh, that’s OK then,’ I said, trying to play it keel, and Twoface scratched his two heads.

  ‘Hang on a millikeels, Ratboy. What exackeely IS your plan for getting that bin of yours back?’ he said. ‘Because it feels to me like you’re a teeny weeny bit TERRIFIED of Wheelie right now!’

  ‘Oh, er . . . I’m not exackeely sure yet,’ I said, darting my eyes around the room, trying to come up with a superhero-ish idea.

  ‘Mmm, smell those X BURGERS!’ said Splorg, tiptoeing up to the wall to see through the little window. ‘I could eat a hundred!’ he drawled, as Jamjar whipped her Triangulator out and pointed it at the end of his nose.

  ‘How are you feeling, Splorg?’ she said, tapping the plastic turquoise triangle. ‘Any dizziness?’ She’d stepped right up close to him and was squinting at the bite marks above his nostrils.

  Splorg carried on staring through the window into X BURGER, which was full up now with people tucking into cardboardy meal deals.

  ‘Never better!’ said Splorg. ‘Just need to get my hands on one of those delishy-wishy-looking X BURGERS,’ he drooled.

  ‘Mmm-hmm,’ said Jamjar, looking through the window herself, then back at Splorg.

  She tapped her Triangulator and closed her eyes, looking like she was doing a sum or something.

  ‘What’re you thinking, Jamjar?’ I said, and just as I said it she opened her eyes and the Triangulator dropped out of her hand.

  ‘Oh my unkeelness,’ she said, turning to me, Twoface and Not Bird. ‘I
think I’ve worked out what’s going on here . . .’

  ‘What? What have you worked out?’ said Twoface. He was sitting on a hover-swivel-chair, fiddling with some of the buttons on the wall.

  ‘It’s the Nom Noms!’ said Jamjar, backing away from Splorg a bit. Splorg didn’t seem to notice though – he was too busy staring through the little window at all the cardboard burgers.

  ‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird, and Jamjar carried on explaining.

  ‘Don’t you see,’ she said, pointing at Splorg’s bite marks and then through the window. ‘Everyone in X BURGER’s been bitten by a Nom Nom!’