Future Ratboy and the Invasion of the Nom Noms

by Jim Smith

  I Future-Ratboy-zoomed my eyes in on Dr Smell’s nose, and the hover-cap man’s, and the old lady’s too. Jamjar was right – they all had little bite marks above their nostrils.

  ‘There must be something about the Nom Nom bites that’s making people want to eat X BURGERS!’ said Jamjar.

  ‘No wonder poor old Splorgy Baby’s been acting so strange,’ I said, and Twoface nodded, leaning forwards to look at a screen that was on the wall in front of where he was sitting.

  he said.

  ‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’ said Jamjar. ‘Our best friend is turning into a zombie, and you’re more interested in a stupid TV screen!’

  Twoface swivelled round in his chair. ‘I’m just trying to work out what in the name of unkeelness is going on,’ he said, pointing at the screen. ‘Now look at THIS!’

  An image of a rotating Nom Nom had popped up on the screen, with the words ‘OPERATION SHNOXVILLE’ written above it.

  ‘SHNOXVILLE?’ said Jamjar. ‘What in the unkeelness is SHNOXVILLE?’

  Just below the screen was a little slot, about the width of Jamjar’s Triangulator. ‘Hmmm . . .’ said Jamjar, pushing her Triangulator into the slot and crossing all her fingers. ‘This is a long shot, but it might just work,’ she said, pulling the triangle back out and peering down at it.

  she grinned.

  ‘Bingo WHAT?’ said Twoface, and Jamjar looked up from her Triangulator.

  ‘That little slot on the wall is an Information Decodifying Ziode,’ she said. ‘By inserting my Triangulator, I was able to read the variables on its circuit perambulator!’

  ‘Can you say that again please, except this time without all the made-up words?’ said Twoface.

  ‘I know what Mr X is up to,’ smiled Jamjar. ‘He’s using the Nom Noms to control people’s minds!’

  ‘How do you mean?’ I said.

  ‘When a person gets bitten by a Nom Nom they’re injected with a tiny microchip,’ said Jamjar, tapping on her triangle. ‘It’s that microchip that makes them want to eat X BURGERS!’

  Twoface scratched one of his noses. ‘So what’s ‘OPERATION SHNOXVILLE’ all about then?’ he said.

  ‘OPERATION SHNOXVILLE is Mr X’s REAL plan,’ said Jamjar, her face going all serious. ‘X BURGERS are just the beginning. Once he knows he can make people do whatever he likes, he’s going to use the Nom Noms to turn the whole of Shnozville into his own evil playground!’

  She pointed her Triangulator at the screen on the wall and pressed a button on it.

  The rotating Nom Nom disappeared and was replaced by a map of SHNOXVILLE.

  ‘It’s like Shnozville, except all X-ified!’ I cried, peering at the screen.

  ‘All the buildings have got Xs on them!’ said Twoface, which was exackeely what I’d just said, except ever so slightly different.

  ‘That’s right, Twoface – all the shops in SHNOXVILLE will be X SHOPS and everyone will work for Mr X!’

  ‘So what will Mr X be doing while everyone’s busy taking care of his evil empire?’ I said, and Jamjar pointed at the middle of the map. ‘Hey, isn’t that where the old playground is?’ I said, trying to spot the swings and the roundabout and The Wise Old Vending Machine. But all I could see was a giant silver X-shaped building with tiny mirrored windows all over it.

  ‘Not if Mr X gets his way,’ said Jamjar, pressing another button on her Triangulator. ‘That’s where his evil headquarters will be,’ she said and the screen zoomed in on the X building and through one of its windows.

  Mr X was inside, sitting on a giant X-shaped sofa. A servant with tiny little bite marks above her nostrils was feeding him X-shaped grapes.

  Me and Twoface looked at each other and gasped. ‘We have to kill the Nom Noms!’ we said, both at exackeely the same time.

  Jamjar pushed her glasses up her nose. ‘The only problem is, I’m not sure that’ll do the trick,’ she said.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I said, as Jamjar pressed a button on her Triangulator and an image of Wheelie popped up on the screen.

  ‘The Nom Noms are all coming from one place,’ said Jamjar. She pressed another button and one whole side of Wheelie turned see-through, so we could see inside him.

  There, sitting in the bottom of Wheelie, was a Nom Nom about three times the size of the others. ‘That is the Nom Nom Queen,’ said Jamjar, and we all tiptoed a billimetre backwards.

  The Nom Nom Queen was sitting on a pile of rotten food with a transparent pulsating sack of Nom Nom eggs hanging off her bum.

  ‘No wonder Wheelie’s breath stinks!’ said Twoface, looking at a tiny hole at the end of the egg sack that was opening and closing.

  Grub-like baby Nom Noms plopped out of the hole and burrowed into the rotten food, appearing seconds later as fully-grown biting rectangles. ‘That is the most disgustikeels thing I have EVER seen,’ said Twoface. ‘And I just crawled out of a giant worm’s bum!’

  Jamjar looked at us. ‘The only way to neutralise the extemporaneal diagrammatic is to obliterate the singularity axis,’ she said.

  ‘If we kill the Nom Nom Queen, the Noms Noms will all die!’ she explained.

  ‘Well then, let’s kill the Nom Nom Queen!’ I said and Jamjar scratched her forehead, which made a change from pushing her glasses up her nose I spose.

  ‘The problem is, how are we going to do that without destroying Wheelie at the same time?’ she said.

  ‘Destroy Wheelie?’ I said. ‘We can’t destroy Wheelie! If we destroy Wheelie I’ll be stuck in the future FOREVER!’

  I rewound my brain to the beginning of the day and pressed play, trying to see if anything had happened that might give me an idea.

  ‘Mmm, avocado and felt-tip pen flavour soda!’ I said, remembering the drink from my Cheesebleurgher Meal Deal, and I was just about to mention how we hadn’t had any lunch yet when I remembered something else.

  ‘Wait a billisecond,’ I said, pausing my brain on the bit when the Nom Nom had flown into Bunny Deli that morning. ‘Bunny’s perfume!’ I cried. ‘It’s the Stonk! We have to get some Stonk!’

  Jamjar and Twoface stared at me, doing their confused faces.

  ‘Remember this morning, when Bunny got rid of the Nom Nom?’ I said.

  ‘Well, remember what she said afterwards?’ I said.

  I said, saying what Bunny had said.

  ‘So what are you saying?’ said Twoface, and Jamjar sighed.

  ‘What Ratboy is saying, Twoface, is that maybe we could kill the Nom Nom Queen by spraying her with Stonk,’ said Jamjar. ‘That’s what you’re saying, right?’ she said.

  Twoface laughed. ‘OK then, genius, answer me this – if the Nom Noms are so scared of Stonk, how come Dr Smell’s got a Nom Nom bite on his hooter? Everyone knows he wears Stonk!’

  I stared through the window at Dr Smell tucking into his X BURGER and remembered him spraying his armpits with a bottle of Stonk for Men earlier that day.

  ‘A-ha, but he wears Stonk for MEN!’ I said.

  ‘Oh come on Ratboy, EVERYONE knows Stonk for Men is EXACKEELY the same as Stonk for Women!’ chuckled Twoface, and I gave him one of my evil superhero stares, because everyone DOES know that.

  I folded my arms across my telly belly and pressed play inside my head, looking for another clue.

  ‘Perhaps Ratboy is on to something though,’ said Jamjar all slowly, and I immedikeely pressed pause. ‘Maybe it WAS something Bunny was wearing that scared the Nom Nom off . . .’

  The little silver room we were standing in went quiet as we all tried to think. All of us except Splorg that is, who still had his face pressed up against the dingy window. ‘Mmm, X BURGERS!’ he drooled. ‘THAT’S IT, I’M GOING IN!’

  He reached for a yellow button I hadn’t spotted before, next to the door to the restaurant. ‘NO! You can’t go out there, Splorg!’ I cried. ‘If Wheelie sees us now he’ll release one of his evil stinky Nom Nom rainbows!’

  ‘Who cares – Splorgy Baby’s already been bitten!’ smiled Spl
org, pressing the button, and the door let out a wheeze.

  ‘WAIT! I’VE GOT IT!’ I cried. ‘It’s Bunny’s hand care products! That’s what scared the Nom Nom off!’

  ‘I’VE GOT IT! It’s Bunny’s hand care products!’ cried Twoface, copying exackeely what I’d just said. ‘That’s what scared the Nom Nom off this morning!’

  ‘Hey, that was my idea!’ I said, but Jamjar just ignored me.

  ‘Nice idea, Twoface,’ said Jamjar as the door to X BURGER started to whoosh upwards. ‘But it doesn’t quite add up.’

  ‘Yeah, nice try, Twoface!’ I said, pretending it wasn’t my idea after all.

  ‘How do you mean “doesn’t quite add up”?’ said Twoface, pulling out his ray gun and pointing it in the direction of the door, even though it was empty.

  Jamjar held up her Harry’s Handy Hand Shop carrier bag with Bunny’s hand cream, nail varnish and soap inside. ‘We tried all these out in the shop, remember? And it’s not like the Nom Noms haven’t been trying to bite us!’

  Twoface stomped his foot on the floor. ‘GAAAHHH!!! What WAS it then?’ he cried.

  The door had fully whooshed open now, even though I was pressing every button I could reach to make it close.

  ‘Ah, hello again, gang!’ smiled Dr Smell, turning around in his seat.

  Wheelie, who was wiping down a table, stopped wiping it down and twizzled round on his wheels. ‘INVADERS!’ he bleeped, his lid flapping up and down.

  ‘I tell you what, kids, this cardboard flavour soda is the bee’s knees!’ grinned Dr Smell, holding up his drink cup and taking a slurp, and I gasped.

  ‘OK, this time I really HAVE cracked it!’ I cried.

  ‘Hedgehog Cola!’ I shouted, as Wheelie started to open his lid. ‘It was Jamjar’s Hedgehog Cola!’

  I forward-rolled into the restaurant and crouched behind the old lady in the hover-wheelchair’s hover-wheelchair. ‘What about it, Ratboy?’ said Jamjar, who was hiding just inside the door to the little silver room, tapping away on her Triangulator.

  Splorg had sat down at the table with the hover-cap man and was reading a hover-menu.

  Twoface speed-crawled out of the little room on all fours, over to where I was crouching. ‘Yeah Ratboy, what about Jamjar’s Hedgehog Cola?’ he whispered.

  ‘Maybe the Hedgehog Cola was what frightened the Nom Nom off this morning!’ I whispered back. ‘Bunny was holding it in one of her hands, remember? If we could somehow fizzle up a cup of it, all we’d have to do is pour it into Wheelie!’

  Twoface clicked his fingers. ‘Hey, I think I’ve got it!’ he grinned. ‘Maybe the Hedgehog Cola was what frightened the Nom Nom off this morning!’

  ‘Can you please stop copying every thing I say!’ I cried, but Twoface just ignored me and carried on grinning.

  ‘I don’t know, Twoface. It’s a long shot,’ said Jamjar, and I sighed, looking up at Wheelie, who was waggling his arms in the air.

  ‘It’s not like anyone’s come up with a better idea,’ I said. ‘Plus we’re running out of time!’

  boomed Wheelie as his insides rumbled, and a trillion Nom Noms started to float out of his belly.

  ‘Now, what shall I have?’ said Splorg, peering at the hover-menu.

  ‘Jamjar, you’re the Hedgehog Cola expert. Place an order – and quick!’ I said.

  ‘Fingers crossed!’ said Jamjar. ‘Hover-menu, I’d like an X BURGER Meal Deal, please.’

  ‘What about the Hedgehog Cola?’ I cried, as Jamjar squidged her face up.

  ‘That’s what I’m trying to think of!’ she said. ‘Remember, at Bunny Deli you get whatever drink you’re THINKING OF when you place your order!’

  An X BURGER Meal Deal fizzled to life on the table in front of Splorg and his nostrils waggled. ‘Mmm, fandabbykeelkeels!’ he cried, whipping the X BURGER out of its box and taking a bite.

  I grabbed the drink cup and plopped the lid off, giving it a sniff. ‘Poowee, what’s that?’ I said, looking at the brown, sludgy liquid inside.

  ‘Porcupine Cola, as requested!’ bleeped the hover-menu.

  ‘Ooh, nearly!’ I cried, and Jamjar sighed.

  ‘Hover-menu, I’d like an X BURGER Meal Deal,’ she said again, scrunching up her face, and another X BURGER Meal Deal fizzled to life on the table.

  ‘This is my lucky day!’ giggled Splorg, as I grabbed the cup and plopped off the lid.

  ‘Poowee times twowee!’ I cried.

  ‘Anteater Cola, as you wished, madam!’ bleeped the hover-menu, as a bright green Nom Nom hovered towards me, licking its lips.

  ‘GAAAHHH!!! That’s not even close, Jamjar!’ said Twoface, and Jamjar closed her eyes and took a breath, long enough for the bright green Nom Nom to reach my nose and for me to swat it away.

  ‘Hover-menu, I’d like an X BURGER Meal Deal,’ she said and a third X BURGER Meal Deal fizzled to life on the table.

  Jamjar grabbed the cup and plopped off the lid. ‘YUCK – Hedgehog Cola!’ she smiled as Twoface whipped his ray gun out of his pocket and opened the little hole in the top of it.

  ‘Quick, pour it in here!’ said Twoface, and Jamjar tilted the cup all shakily. ‘Let’s see how you stupid little hairy rectangles like THIS!’ he said, as a giant metal scorpion screeched to a halt in the street outside.

  A familikeels-looking evil triangle-shaped figure stomped into X BURGER and looked around.

  ‘It’s Mr X!’ shrieked Jamjar.

  Dr Smell stood up and did a zombie-like salute in the direction of Mr X. ‘On behalf of all your loyal customers, it is an honour to finally meet you, Master X!’ he warbled.

  ‘Yes, Master X,’ said Splorg, standing up and zombie-saluting too. ‘What can I do for you today? Clean your earholes out? Or perhaps I could brush your teeth with my toothbrush?’

  ‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird, flying through the cloud of Nom Noms and swallowing five in one go.

  boomed Mr X.

  Wheelie was standing in the middle of the restaurant, his arms waggling. ‘GOOD AFTERNOON, MASTER,’ he bleeped, his bad breath billowing into the air. ‘JUST TAKING CARE OF A FEW, SHALL WE SAY, “CHALLENGING CUSTOMERS”.’

  Twoface pulled the trigger on his ray gun and a stream of Hedgehog Cola shot out the end of it, splurting all over a light blue Nom Nom that was zooming towards his two faces.

  ‘NOM NOM?’ yelped the Nom Nom, dropping to the floor like the opposite of a hover-poo and turning to dust.

  Mr X peered down at the pile of light blue dust and scratched his head. ‘WHAT IS THIS POWDERY SUBSTANCE?’ he said, and I remembered how dust doesn’t exist in the future.

  ‘Twoface, it works! The Hedgehog Cola really works!’ cried Jamjar, and I jumped in the air to give her a high five.

  ‘NOM NOM!’ growled a turquoise Nom Nom, a bit like Jamjar’s Triangulator except hairier and more rectangular. It darted towards my nose and landed on the full-stop blob on the end of it.

  ‘WAAAHHH!!! Not my full-stop nose blob!’ I cried as Twoface pointed his pistol at my nose and pulled the trigger.

  ‘BLEURGH!’ I shouted as Hedgehog Cola splurted into my face.

  The turquoise Nom Nom fell to the floor and exploded into a billion tiny pieces. ‘Only another seven hundred and eighty twelve billion zillion left!’ said Twoface, aiming at another one.

  ‘Forget about the Nom Noms, Twoface!’ I cried. ‘Once we’ve destroyed the Nom Nom Queen they’ll all be goners!’

  ‘Oh yeah!’ said Twoface, and we both turned round to face Wheelie. ‘Let’s see how old Queenie likes Hedgehog Cola!’ Twoface grinned.

  Mr X pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and pressed a tiny button on one of them. His giant metal scorpion bleeped, the way my mum and dad’s car does when they unlock it, and he headed back out of X BURGER and jumped into its cockpit.

  ‘THINK YOU CAN SCUPPER MY PLANS DO YOU, RATBOY?’ he boomed, flicking a switch, and the scorpion’s eyes blinked red. Its tail whipped into the shape of a question mark and a bright green laser, ex
ackeely like the one that zapped my bin when Mr X stole it, shot out the end of it and through the door into the restaurant.

  ‘Twoface, watch out!’ cried Jamjar as the laser zipped past his ray gun, missing it by a billimetre.

  ‘Now, Twoface!’ I shouted, pointing towards Wheelie. ‘Shoot the Nom Nom Queen now!’

  Mr X’s scorpion stepped forwards, its tail taking aim at Twoface’s ray gun. ‘OPERATION KEELNESS TIMES A MILLIKEELS!’ shouted Twoface, pulling the trigger.

  A bright green laser shot from the scorpion’s tail, hitting Twoface’s ray gun at the exact millisecond a stream of Hedgehog Cola squirted out of the end of it.

  ‘WAAAHHH!!! My ray gun!’ cried Twoface as it flew into the air and glowed green, then disappeared.