by Sarah Bailey
Fuck, she’s so beautiful.
Here I was staring at her like a lovesick teenage boy experiencing his first crush. A large part of me couldn’t believe this was happening. That she was mine.
“I know you’re watching me… Why aren’t you eating?”
Her voice made my eyes flick down to my plate which I hadn’t yet touched. I picked up my fork and tucked in.
“Maybe you’re just very distracting,” I said quietly as I looked up at her again.
Her cheeks blazed red and her lips curved up in a small smile.
“You’re supposed to be making conversation, not staring.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
She tapped her fork against her chin for a moment.
“You.”
I should’ve seen that coming.
“What about me?”
“Why did you want to be a doctor?”
I did really owe her an insight into my life. Into me. If we were going to do this for real, I couldn’t hide behind walls. Fi deserved more than to be fed a bunch of bullshit.
“Most people will tell you it’s because they want to help others. I had a morbid fascination with disease when I was a kid. The way infections spread and how to prevent it, but as I got older, I became interested in the mind. My mother wanted me to be a surgeon, but that never held any real interest for me. Cutting into people that is.”
She wrinkled her nose in the most adorable way at the mention of surgery.
“Why not just remain a doctor then? Why therapy?”
I looked away from her, the memories threatening to claw their way back into my head. I set my fork down, clenching my fist.
“It’s complicated.”
I felt her warm hand settle over my fisted one.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
Here she was acting like my therapist, but she wasn’t that. Just a girl wanting to know things about the man she’d gotten involved with.
“Something happened within my family. It changed everything. Me especially. They couldn’t understand why I decided I wanted to specialise in mental health when all they wanted to do was forget it ever happened. It started because of that, then I found peace in the work somehow… like what I did mattered to those few people who wanted to get better.”
Her hand around mine tightened. I looked at her again, finding so much understanding in her blue eyes.
“You helped them when no one else could.”
I nodded. I did it for her. No one had helped her when she needed it. They blamed me because they couldn’t blame anyone else, least of all her, even though it wasn’t my fault. It would never be my fault. Sometimes you couldn’t save people even when you knew how. That day fourteen years ago when I’d only been twenty four and just finished my first year as a junior doctor, my life was utterly derailed. And nothing but one huge mess after another had occurred since.
“And you told me you’re not a good person. I don’t believe that.”
“Just because I help people now doesn’t negate what I did in the past.”
And I’d done a lot of shit I wasn’t too proud of. Especially in the months following that day. Things which ruined my relationship with my family irrevocably.
“It doesn’t matter to me what you’ve done, it’s who you are now that I care about.”
Wanting to get onto less charged topics, I shifted my hand out from under hers and picked up my fork again.
“Tell me why you know so much about men’s fashion.”
She withdrew her hand and sat back in her seat.
“When I was a kid and Dad took us to Bensons, I’d watch the designers. It was how they tailored suits which fascinated me the most. Jen thinks it’s weird and always rolls her eyes when instead of checking out a guy’s appearance, I look at what he’s wearing. It runs in the family… the whole fashion thing. Jen looks after womenswear and me, men’s. The boys focus on the business side more than us, but even they keep an eye on the designers and our future collections.”
If you took a look at Fi, you wouldn’t have expected her to be interested in anything other than women’s fashion. She was always immaculately dressed, knowing exactly how to show off her assets. Underneath it all, she had her own quirks and I happened to like those a great deal.
“So that’s why you’re attracted to me.”
She frowned.
“What?”
“Well, you know, because I dress well.”
She pursed her lips, crossing her arms over her chest.
“You think I’m shallow?”
Where did she get that idea?
“Of course I don’t think that.”
Her brow furrowed and her eyes flashed with irritation. I hadn’t meant to upset her.
“I’m sorry, Fi, it was a joke. Please don’t look at me like that.”
“Dad used to call Jen and me vapid airheads,” she whispered, looking down at her lap.
I pushed my chair back, walked around the table and squatted next to her. Taking both her hands in mine, I held them tightly.
“Your father clearly isn’t capable of seeing what two bright, beautiful and loving daughters he has,” I told her, my voice soft. “Especially this one right here who barrelled her way into my life and made me break all the rules.”
Her blue eyes pooled with tears as she met my gaze.
“Why are you so nice to me?”
“You deserve to be treated right, little one.” I brought one of her hands to my lips and kissed her knuckles. “I’ll never claim to be a good man, but I’ll always respect you.”
She tugged her hands from mine and leant towards me. One of her hands brushed over my cheek.
“This right here is why I like you,” she whispered. “You understand me. You know what I need without me asking for it. I’ve never met anyone like you.” She smiled, her face lighting up. “The good looks and mind-blowing sex are just an added bonus.”
I couldn’t hold back a grin, reaching up and tugging her closer so I could kiss her. When I released her, I stood and went back to my seat. Before I tucked back into my food, I noticed the waitress was staring at me. Who fucking knew why. Sure, Fiona looked younger than her twenty seven years, especially since she’d opted to go fresh faced today. Didn’t make us a target for disapproving glares. It wasn’t as if I looked old enough to be her father or anything. It was only when the waitress gave me a wink that I dropped my eyes to my plate.
Well fuck.
Not what I needed. I had my fair share of female attention but that was pretty audacious when it was clear I was with someone. And it happened to be the girl sitting across from me with a perfect smile on her face. The one who made my heart pound and made me feel fifteen again instead of thirty eight. She was mine and I’d do anything to keep it that way.
***
“We’ve spoken a lot about how your father affected you in the past, I’d like to talk about the present today if that’s okay,” I said after she’d settled herself down on the sofa in my office.
Jennifer cocked her head to the side, her blue eyes full of caution.
“Why?”
“Your sister mentioned in our initial session the both of you have trouble with seeing your father or hearing his voice.”
She looked down at her hands.
“She told you about the nightmares.”
“You know I can’t discuss what she may or may not have said.”
She grabbed one of the throw pillows and held it against her chest as she twisted the ring on her finger around.
“They aren’t about what Dad did to me. It’s what he did to the others. I never told Fi how it made me feel after he beat the shit out of Dante right before the police arrested him. When we were kids, Dad never used to hurt any of us in places we couldn’t cover up. With me and Fi, he used to pinch our arms so hard, he’d leave bruises. Mum made sure we only wore long-sleeved dresses on thos
e days, so no one would see.”
She met my eyes. Hers were haunted.
“So when I saw my brother, the person I thought was invincible because he’d withstood so much abuse from my father, with his face all bruised and a swollen eye, it made me realise just how fragile we all are deep down inside. I’m scared of losing them. My brothers and my sister, especially Fi. I feel like she’s been pulling away from me ever since we started therapy.”
Well fuck.
Fiona wasn’t the only one who felt guilty about our relationship with each other. I’d put my career on the line for her because I couldn’t stay away. She’d come over and I’d made her dinner last night since she said it was too suspicious for us to see each other after her sessions every week. My thoughts kept wandering back to when I pressed her up against the glass windows in my bedroom and fucked her in full view of the London skyline. She hadn’t stayed the night much to my disappointment. I slept better when she was there.
Hearing how Jennifer felt about her sister acting distant made the guilt worse. I wasn’t trying to take her sister away from her or come between them. It wasn’t enough to stop me from seeing Fi. It seemed nothing could get in the way of my selfish need for her.
She’s mine. All fucking mine.
“Pulling away how?”
“I swear she’s keeping secrets. Not about therapy but something else. Either she’s getting laid or she’s up to something. She was whistling this morning. Actually whistling. Fi doesn’t whistle nor does she act all perky first thing. Usually, it’s all ‘Jen, coffee, now’ but she was up before me and made fucking breakfast like it was normal. It’s not normal.”
I stifled a smile knowing exactly why Fi had been in a good mood. Someone may have sent her a text this morning wishing she was with them and she’d replied in kind. Not only that, she’s sent me a short video of her blowing me a kiss. More stupid lovesick teenager shit. But I didn’t care. I found her endearing.
“Why would she be keeping secrets from you?”
She sighed and tugged at the end of her braided hair.
“I think she feels responsible for me like I’ll break if she’s not there for me. She apologised to me on Sunday for not being around as much. I want her to be happy and have her own life, you know, but I need her at the same time. I need her there when I wake up in a cold sweat because I had a dream about our dad actually going through with his threat to kill Dante and… and that he’d actually killed James that day.”
Her eyes welled with tears. She hadn’t mentioned an incident between her father and James before.
“What happened between James and your father?”
“I walked in on Dad cutting into James’ chest with a knife. It was deep and there was so much blood but I managed to stem it and sew up the wound. We couldn’t go to A&E as Dad kept threatening us. I had to make do. It never healed right but at least James is still here. I keep thinking what if I hadn’t gone over that day. What if Dad had killed him. I know I shouldn’t but it scared me. I give James shit but he’s my baby brother. I’d do anything to protect him. Not that he needs it now he has Ellie.”
Fucking hell. What hadn’t this family been through? The deeper we dug into their pasts, the worst the stories got. Fi wasn’t lying when she said their father was evil. No one should have to go through any of what those four had done at the hands of their own father.
“You know he can’t hurt you or your siblings any longer, right?”
She nodded, swiping at her eyes as if she didn’t want the tears in them falling.
“I wish he was dead,” she whispered. “Then we’d all be free. What kind of daughter wants their own father dead?”
Not that I could answer the question out loud, but I didn’t blame her for feeling that way. To be honest, I wanted the man dead too for the shit he’d pulled with Fi. All of them really. Learning about the Bensons through the twin’s eyes saddened me. How four people, five really if you counted their mother, had to suffer so much at the hands of one man.
“Do you feel guilty for wanting that?”
“Yes… he’s still my dad even if he hasn’t behaved in the way a father should.”
This was part of what made cases such as theirs so difficult. The conflict between knowing your parent is a terrible person and still feeling love for them all the same. Not something you could reconcile overnight. It took time to find acceptance.
“I’d like you to think about what you’d want to say to your father if you had the opportunity to speak freely without repercussions. You can write it down if you’d like and we can discuss it next week.”
I’d been trying to give her exercises to do outside of our sessions so this wouldn’t be just somewhere she offloaded her frustrations. In order to move forward, Jen needed to address the past and how it affected her in the present.
Fi had entirely different issues to her sister which is why I always treated clients separately. It was interesting to see how one shared event had altered the two of them from a scientific standpoint. Cases like theirs didn’t come around often and I couldn’t help wanting to study the twins. It’s why I’d taken them both on myself despite my overcrowded schedule.
“Okay… I can do that.”
She looked less upset now as if the act of telling someone how she felt was cathartic. Sometimes that’s all a person needed. To unburden themselves. I don’t think any of the siblings really had a chance to talk about any of this openly. A shameful secret which had only been exposed recently in relative terms. Keeping it locked up had only allowed those feelings to fester and worsen.
Next week I would have to speak to her about a diagnosis. Whilst Jennifer might want to focus on the past, we needed to deal with the present at the same time because all of her symptoms pointed towards post traumatic stress disorder. There were several ways to treat the condition, but I did need her on board with the treatment plan I was going to propose.
Fiona, on the other hand, was an entirely different kettle of fish and perhaps in some ways harder for me to deal with because of my feelings towards her. She wasn’t suffering from PTSD like Jennifer, but she needed to talk about her struggle to maintain relationships due to past abuse and find a way forward. We shouldn’t be in a relationship with each other whilst she was undergoing therapy, but neither of us could stay away. It was as if there was a cord binding us together and it grew tighter with each passing day.
I was the one in the position of responsibility here. I’d abused my power. I’d put my career and reputation on the line. But selfishness had driven me. A need to possess Fiona unlike anything else I’d experienced. Nothing would keep me from her. Nothing at all. And the fact she was on board with it? An added fucking bonus.
I just hoped my little one remained as invested as me because she’d be hard pressed to get rid of me now.
One taste wasn’t enough.
I had to have all of her.
Because she was mine.
Chapter Fourteen
Fiona
My session with Jensen this week had been a little tough on both of us. Even though we agreed to be careful in his office, he still gathered me up in his arms after I walked in and kissed me. It’d been sweet and full of longing. He didn’t sit next to me this time, returning to his place in his armchair as I sat and spoke to him about my unresolved feelings regarding Liam. Not sure if he realised his emotions were written all over his face. He didn’t like Liam one bit and I couldn’t blame him.
He refrained from interrupting unless it was to ask me specific questions. For that, I was grateful. Talking about my feelings wasn’t something I often did. The catharsis gave me a sense of relief. As if I could unburden myself without worrying the other person would judge me. Talking to him wasn’t the same as talking to my family. Jensen represented an outside party. Someone who could see things objectively. He made it clear my feelings were valid and I didn’t have to feel guilty for just being human.
; “You are who you are and no one should make you feel guilty for that.”
Sometimes I felt too much guilt. For not being a better girlfriend to Liam even though it was ridiculous to feel that way about him. For not being able to help my sister in the way she needed. For my inability to make friends. And most of all, for my relationship with him. Jensen.
That guilt ate me up inside on a daily basis. When we were together it seemed to melt away, but it came back in full force the moment I no longer felt his presence. Like now sat in the back of James’ Mini whilst we drove over to Liora and Dante’s. Ellie, Jen and James chatted animatedly whilst I stared listlessly out of the window.
The need for his touched seared into my skin. I craved the feeling of his intense gaze. The way he called me little one like I belonged to him. He possessed me. Owned me on some level I didn’t fully understand. I wanted him and yet I couldn’t see him until later. I wished on Thursday we’d been able to spend time together after my session, but I promised Jen we’d go out for dinner.
The memory of when I’d stood up to leave and his voice freezing me in place slammed into me all at once. The way he’d uncurled from his armchair and practically pounced, pinning me to the wall and devouring me like he was starving for oxygen and I was his air.
“You’re mine, little one. Do you hear me? Mine.”
His breath whispered across my skin as he said those words with his hand loosely wrapped around my neck. That display of power had me weak at the knees. Jensen had this way about him. His softness drew me in but it was his dominance keeping me right there. Letting me know I was only still standing because he allowed it. Because I was at his mercy. I couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want to.
“Drown me, Jensen. Don’t let me up for air. I need you. Only you.”
Those were the words I’d whispered right back. The ones which would always seal my fate when it came to him. Words I’d never dare utter to anyone else. They wouldn’t understand this. The madness pulsing between us. Daring the two of us to give in to our desires. Our need.