With Love, Caroline

by Jennifer Hebbard

  “We’re going out tonight.” Mia said with a finality in her voice. “Somewhere with people, and music and dancing. Just you and I.” She stood to collect her plate and utensils without looking at Ever for a reaction.

  “I don’t feel like it, Mia,” Ever said quietly. “I would just rather stay home.”

  Mia turned around from the sink and stared at Ever. The sadness she saw in her friend’s eyes broke her heart. She walked over to Ever’s seat and squatted down in front of her. “Ever? I wasn’t asking,” she said and was rewarded with a curl of the corner of Ever’s mouth. Not quite a smile, but close enough. “Come on, I really need to just blow off some steam and I want to do it with you. Please? For me?” Mia knew that would get her. She wasn’t playing fair and couldn’t care less.

  “Just for a little bit, ok?” Ever responded, getting up to clear her own plate. Mia jumped up and clapped and Ever laughed.

  “You’re such a child,” she said with a smile at Mia.

  “I know, but you love me anyway.” Mia replied. She was glad that it hadn’t taken too much cajoling to get ever to say yes. They would figure out how long a bit was later she thought as she headed to her room to get changed.

  The Pink Pony was one of three gay and lesbian bars in the area but Mia knew that it was the most fun, and the safest. She wore a mid-length dress that flowed around her like water when she walked. Ever was dressed in black jeans and a faded blue V-Neck t-shirt. Mia thought she looked great and told her so. Ever blushed and nodded her thanks as they entered the club. Neon lights assaulted their senses as soon as they walked in the door and the music was so loud that they both could feel its vibration throughout their bodies. Ever went straight to the bar and Mia followed.

  “I’ll have a Miller light,” Ever told the bartender and then looked at Mia for her order.

  “A sex on the beach.” Mia replied and Ever raised her eyebrows at her. “What? I’m in the mood.” Mia said and didn’t miss the slight smile that played over Ever’s mouth. When their drinks came, Ever carried them over to where the tables were arranged. They found one far enough away from the speakers that they could hold a conversation and sat. Ever handed Mia her mixed drink and took a long slow pull from her beer. Mia shook herself when she realized she was watching Ever’s mouth as she licked her lips after putting the beer bottle down on the table. They talked about mundane everyday things, nothing heavy, nothing serious and nothing about Caroline. Mia told Ever about one of her male co-workers who wouldn’t stop hitting on her even after she had told him she was a lesbian.

  “Do you want me to kick his ass?” Ever asked with a grin and she took another sip of beer.

  “Hmm, maybe. I’ll let you know.” Mia had already finished her first drink and ordered another from the waitress and she was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol. Ever was watching her closely, not used to this side of Mia. Just then the DJ started to play a Pink song and Mia jumped up.

  “Come on, let’s dance.” She said taking Ever’s hand and dragging her out onto the dance floor. They danced a few fast songs when a slower ballad started to play. Mia sighed and began to head back to their table when Ever suddenly grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

  “It’s ok. We can dance to this too, if you want.” She really hadn’t given Mia a chance to decline as she already had her hands on her hips and started swaying to the music. Mia clasped her hands behind Ever’s neck and closed her eyes. As the song played on Mia drew closer to Ever until her head rested on Ever’s shoulder. Ever didn’t seem to mind and Mia felt too good to care anyway. As they danced holding each other Mia thought how good it felt to be held by a woman again. The way she smelled and felt. It had been too long since she had felt like this. She lost her self in the moment and when the music changed, it suddenly occurred to her just who she was cuddled up against. It was Ever. Her friend Ever, Caroline’s Ever. Mia jumped back and would have fallen on her ass if Ever hadn’t grabbed her arm and steadied her.

  “Thanks, um I’m tired. Let’s just go back to the table and hang out ok?” Mia said almost shyly.

  Ever looked at her curiously and then shrugged and led them off the dance floor. Ever ordered another beer while Mia switched to coke. Apparently, alcohol made her do and think very strange things and she didn’t want to risk having more. They talked for a little while longer and Ever seemed to relax a bit. Mia was glad for that but she couldn’t stop thinking about being in Ever’s arms on the dance floor and the feeling it had evoked in her. When two hours had passed, they finally had agreed to head home. Ever walked ahead of Mia and held the door for her. Mia smiled her thanks at Ever. Once in the car, Ever turned from the driver’s set to Mia.

  “Thanks for making me go out tonight. It was fun, and I needed it.” Ever patted Mia’s leg and Mia felt a tingling all the way up her thigh. What the fuck? She thought to herself and moved a little further from Ever’s reach toward the window. “You’re welcome, I had fun too. I’m glad we came.” Ever smiled and nodded as she started the car and headed home. Mia was distracted and distant for the entire trip back to their apartment. When Ever pulled the car into the driveway and shut off the ignition, she turned to Mia again.

  “Is everything ok? You’ve been really quiet since before we even left the club.” Ever waited patiently for Mia to turn and face her. When she did, she couldn’t quite read what was on her face. “Yeah, sorry I’m fine. Just tired is all. Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure.” Mia opened her car door and hoped to God that what she just said was the truth.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Something was definitely not right with Mia, Ever thought as she went through her work day. Ever since they had gone to that club, she had been acting different and if Ever didn’t know better, she would swear that Mia was purposely avoiding her. She racked her brain trying to think of anything she had said or done that could have upset Mia and she came up with nothing. They had drinks, they talked they laughed they danced. Ever had had a good time, and she thought Mia had too. This past year Ever’s mere presence had seemed to put people off she knew. Nobody seemed to know what to say when they were around her. They were uncomfortable and Ever did nothing to alleviate their discomfort. One by one they stopped coming by and visiting. They stopped spouting platitudes and ‘I’m sorry.' They stopped telling Ever “I know how you feel.” That one made her angry. They didn’t know how she felt. Not one of them knew what it felt like to lose the love of their life to their own hand and she was furious when someone claimed to. The only one that could ever come close to knowing how Ever felt was Mia. Caroline and her had never dated, but they had been best friends for years and Mia’s loss was as great as Ever’s own. She thought back to when she had first met Mia and Caroline. The two were inseparable and Ever was the new kid on the block.

  Thomas Jefferson High School, Sophomore year

  It was Ever’s first day at a new school and she was miserable. The actual school year had started two months before for everyone else. Friends were already made; schedules had been memorized and cliques had been formed. No one cared about the new kid that stood lost and alone in the middle of the school’s entranceway. As Ever struggled to dig out her new schedule from her backpack a group of cheerleaders and jocks sauntered by. They were laughing and in general enjoying their running of the school. One of the jocks knocked into Ever on purpose, causing her to drop her bookbag and spill all of her papers out onto the floor. “Hey watch what you’re doing.” The jock yelled at her as his friends laughed in the background. Ever sighed, every school was the same and being a military brat, she had been to a lot of them. She bent down to begin to pick up the mess at her feet when suddenly another set of hands started helping her pick up her things. At first Ever thought it was one of the jocks come back and jumped back startled.

  “Hey it’s ok. Ignore those assholes,” a woman about Ever’s age said as she held out some of her papers. When Ever finally looked up she saw the most beautiful woman she thought she had ever
seen. With long blonde hair, green eyes and a smile that seemed to take all the oxygen out of the room. Ever was struck dumb and the girl just laughed and stuffed the papers back into Ever’s bag.

  “I’m Caroline Davis, this is my friend Mia.” Ever looked behind Caroline and saw an equally stunning woman standing there albeit much more shyly than Caroline.

  “I’m Ever Rhodes. I’m, uh, new here.” Ever took Caroline’s outstretched hand and she could swear she felt a tingling the moment they touched that ran the entire length of her arm and straight to her heart. Caroline laughed and Ever immediately knew that if the only sound she ever heard again was this woman’s laugh she would be just fine with that.

  “Uh yeah, I got that.” Caroline said with a smirk. “Come on, let’s find your first class and then later you’ll have lunch with Mia and I ok?”

  Ever didn’t think she had ever heard anything more ok. She shook Mia’s hand as well and noticed the warmth that seemed to flow from the other woman. Ever nodded and thanked them as she followed both who led her down a maze of hallways to deposit her at the door of her first class that day. Mia and Caroline had come back after every single class to meet Ever that day and escort her to her next class so that she wouldn’t get lost. Ever was grateful beyond words and from that day on, they were a threesome. One was rarely seen without the other two and the more time Ever spent with Caroline the more certain she was that she had fallen in love with her, the very moment that their eyes had met for the first time.

  Ever smiled at the memory, it seems like it was just yesterday and at the same time it seemed a lifetime ago since they were those innocent wide-eyed kids. So much had happened since that day that they had all met. Caroline had seemed so happy and free then. Ever didn’t know anything about her issues with depression until after they had graduated high school. Caroline said she never told her because she was afraid that it would change the way she felt. Ever knew that could never happen. She had loved Caroline from the moment she laid eyes on her and nothing would change that, nothing, not even death. She shook herself free of those thoughts; she knew nothing good would come from them now. She thought again about Mia. It bothered her that Mia had seemed distant lately. Ever knew without a doubt that Mia was the only good thing she had left in her life. If it wasn’t for her, Ever didn’t think she would have survived the days and weeks after Caroline’s death. Every time she fell apart, Mia had been there to pick up the pieces. She laid with her when all Ever could do was cry, she held her when Ever couldn’t stop shaking with her grief. She was everything to Ever and she couldn’t lose her. Ever looked at the clock and realized her shift was close to being done. She decided that she would just talk to Mia that night and see if something was wrong. She hoped that Mia would talk to her, maybe, whatever it was, Ever could finally be the one to help Mia. With that decided she cleaned up her work station, clocked out and headed home.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Mia felt horrible. She knew that she had been avoiding Ever, and she knew why. She was developing more than friendship feelings for her and now more than ever was the absolute wrong time. The one-year anniversary of Caroline’s death was fast approaching. Mia had no idea where all these feelings were coming from. She had always loved Ever, she had loved Ever and Caroline together, but she had never had feelings like this before. Maybe it was going through the tragedy of Caroline’s death together. Maybe it was spending every day together since then in some sense. There was no doubt that she and Ever had grown much closer over the past year but this, this she never expected. Her head was pounding, and she felt queasy. She sat by a tree outside of her office and put her head in her hands. When did life become so complicated? When did things start to feel like a never-ending chore instead of an adventure? Was this how Caroline felt at the end? She missed her friend, her sister so much that it caused an actual physical ache in her chest. She missed Ever too. Yes, she saw her every day of course, but she missed the Ever of before Caroline’s death. The Ever that had ambition and passion about things. The Ever that loved to have fun and let go of all the stresses of life. It seemed to Mia, that Ever died with Caroline that day a year ago. She wondered what parts of herself followed Caroline into death? She knew she wasn’t the same person as before. How could she be, how could anyone be? Death changed people. It made us feel vulnerable and mortal. We no longer believed that we would live forever, we could only hope that when our time came, we were remembered. That someone, anyone thought of us, smiled and said “That was my friend.” To have such an impact on someone that you were remembered long after you were gone is what we all really aspire to, whether we know it or not. Caroline had certainly done that Mia thought. Her memory was so strong in their lives that it was nearly an unstoppable force at times. Mia could never compete with that, and that is why she had to put a stop to these newfound feelings for Ever now. She sat up and turned her face to the sun and closed her eyes. She began to speak aloud, not knowing if anyone was around to hear her and not caring.

  “Caroline, I don’t know where you are now or even if you are at all, but if you can hear me, if any part of you can understand these words, we need help. Ever has not done well since you left us, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t either. It’s like we don’t know how to live a life that you are no longer a part of. I go to work and come home and worry about Ever. Ever works a job that she could do with her eyes closed, never challenges herself in anything anymore and I suppose she spends a good deal of time worrying about me as well. Why did you have to leave us Caroline? Couldn’t you have talked to me? To Ever? I know your note said that it wouldn’t have made any difference but how could you know that? How can I?”

  Mia opened her eyes and wiped a rogue tear that had escaped away. She shook her head in frustration and yes anger, there was plenty of anger inside of her that she continuously tamped down with the weight of her guilt. She thought she might as well go home early today; she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything anyway and she needed to talk to Ever. She couldn’t avoid her forever; she didn’t want to. With a deep sigh and feeling much older than her years she rose and headed back to her office to collect her things and check out for the day. She wasn’t looking forward to the talk she would have to have when she got home but it was time.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Ever watched the clock. 3:07 and 15 seconds. Caroline had died at exactly 3:08pm. She knew this because she had read the coroners report, much to Mia’s objections. Ever needed to know every single small detail. She hadn’t been paying attention when Caroline needed her, she wouldn’t make that mistake again. She looked at the bottle in her hand. It looked so innocuous, so safe and yet her hands shook as she held it. Was this how she felt? Was she afraid? These were the questions that had haunted Ever every day for the past year. Now, Ever thought, maybe she could know. She looked again at the clock and as soon as the digital numbers changed to 3:08 she emptied the bottle into her still shaking end and swallowed the contents before she could chicken out and stop herself. She lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She thought of Caroline, of all the times they had kissed in the rain, held hands while walking to class, held each other through the night. A tear tracked down the side of her face which she refused to wipe away, it had earned its escape she thought before she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

  Mia sped down the side streets towards home. She wasn’t generally a speeder but something was pushing her to get home as quickly as possible, she didn’t like the feeling at all. When she finally pulled into their driveway, Ever’s car was exactly where it always was. Everything looked fine but Mia knew that it wasn’t. She left her briefcase in the front seat and jogged to the front door and entered. It was far too quiet. Mia suddenly felt as if she was going to pass out. She stared to Ever’s closed bedroom door.

  “Oh God, not again.” She whispered as she forced her feet to take the steps towards the door. She opened the door and suddenly it was a year ago and she was entering Caroline’s room, seei
ng her far too still body lying on the bed and knowing it was too late. It wasn’t Caroline though; it was Ever and judging from the rise and fall of her chest she wasn’t too late. She ran to the bed “Ever! Ever NO”

  She grabbed Ever’s shoulders and shook her violently. “You will not do this to me, Ever.”

  She slapped Ever across the face, hard. Ever moaned and Mia sat her up on the bed. She barely noticed the empty pill bottle that lay on the floor as she forced Ever to stand. “You stay with me now. We need to get you into the shower.”

  Ever seemed slightly more with it now and she nodded. They stumbled to the master bath and Mia turned on the cold-water full blast pushing Ever’s head under the spray. “FUCK!” Ever yelled and seemed to wake up, much to Mia’s relief. Ever tried to leave but Mia pushed her back into the tub. “Oh no you stay right where you are. We need to call an ambulance.” Ever’s eyes widened at that as she grabbed Mia’s arm. “No, please, no ambulance. I’m ok. Really. I didn’t even take that much.”

  Mia stared into Ever’s dark eyes as the cold water seemed to be suspended on her long lashes. She did look better, more awake. “I don’t know Ever; I think you should get checked out. Just to be safe.” Mia shook her head.