With Love, Caroline

by Jennifer Hebbard

  “Please Mia, please.”

  Mia couldn’t tell if Ever was crying or if it was just the water from the shower, but when she used that voice, Mia could deny her nothing. “Ok, let’s just stay in here for a few more moments than.” Mia looked at Ever and Ever nodded her ascent. “God Ever, what were you thinking?” Mia held onto Ever as both women started shivering from the cold spray.

  “I just… I just wanted to feel close to her again, just for one more minute.” Ever said, and that was Mia’s undoing. She grabbed Ever and held her tight in her arms. She held her so tightly that Ever wasn’t sure she would let go. Ever hugged Mia back, it felt good to be in her arms, to be comforted by her, if she wasn’t so cold, she would stay there forever. By the time Mia reached and turned the shower off both women’s teeth were chattering and Ever’s lips had turned a faded shade of blue.

  “You ok?” Mia asked wrapping a towel around Ever and rubbing her arms briskly to get her circulation moving. She ignored her own cold until Ever took the other towel off the rack and wrapped it around her shoulders.

  “We need to get out of these wet clothes,” Ever managed to say between shivers.

  Mia nodded, and they walked back into Ever’s room. Mia looked at her as if she was afraid to leave her alone. “It’s ok Mia, I’m ok, go change, I’ll meet you in the living room ok.”

  Mia stood silent for another moment and then nodded and left the room. She went across the hall to her own room peeling off her wet clothes as she did. She grabbed a hoodie and a pair of sweats and put them on quickly. She felt like she would never be warm again and she didn’t think it was just the water that had left her so cold. When she returned to the living room, Ever was already sitting on the couch, and afghan around her shoulders. She looked to Mia with sad eyes as Mia sat down next to her and pulled a blanket of her own over her legs. Both women were silent for a long time. Ever reached under Mia’s blanket and took her hand. There was so much to say and yet the words wouldn’t come. Mia looked down at their clasped hands and squeezed Ever’s. For now, this was enough.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Mia had just started to doze off when Ever finally spoke. Mia’s head snapped up, and she looked at her friend. Ever wasn’t looking at her though, rather she was staring into space as she spoke.

  “She called me; you know.” Ever said quietly and Mia had lean closer just to hear her. Mia looked at her confused. “Caroline. She called me right before she died.” This was new information to Mia, Ever never talked about that day. Mia said nothing and let Ever continue.

  “I was rushing to class; I was running late. My phone rang and Caroline’s picture popped up so I answered but never stopped moving. I was so distracted I didn’t even hear the sadness in her voice until I thought about it later… after.” Ever was crying now as she continued. “She told me she loved me and before I could say it back, I saw my friend Jordan across campus and I needed notes from her.” Ever looked directly into Mia’s eyes now and Mia couldn’t miss the pain that they held. “I never said it back Mia. She was calling me to tell me goodbye, and that she loved me, and I never said it back. I was so worried about getting to class and getting ahold of those fucking notes that I never said it back.”

  Ever was sobbing by this point and Mia gathered her into her arms and held her. “I can’t believe you held this in all this time,” Mia whispered into her hair. “It’s not your fault Ever. Caroline knew that you loved her. Do you hear me? She knew because you showed her every single day in a million different ways.”

  Ever sat up and wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her sweatshirt. “But it wasn’t enough was it?” she asked and Mia’s heart broke for her.

  “It was,” Mia said. “It was enough, you were enough, Ever. You made her happier than I had ever seen her. Caroline was sick, Ever. She couldn’t help it, she couldn’t control it, and then only thing that I ever saw that made her happy at all, was you. She… she used to tell me that she didn’t feel like she belonged in this world, and maybe she didn’t but I’m so glad that she was here for as long as she was.”

  Mia was crying herself now. A year had passed, and she didn’t think she had ever really mourned for her friend. “I know you know all of these things.” Mia continued grabbing a tissue off of the side table and wiping at her eyes. “I’m sure she told you all of this and more in her note.” She felt rather than saw Ever stiffen and she looked at her curiously. “I know she left you a note. I saw you with it.”

  Ever nodded. “She did, it’s just that I have never, I’ve never read it.”

  Mia looked shocked as Ever continued. “I wanted to. I even started to several times, but I always stopped. I just felt that if I read the letter, If I finished it, then she would be gone for good, you know?”

  Ever had such a childlike quality to her just then that Mia felt an overwhelming need to take her in her arms and protect her from the world. Instead she took Ever’s hand again and nodded. “I do know, but maybe there is something in that letter that could help you, Ever. I think, no I believe that’s why Caroline left us all individual letters instead of just one note. She wanted to help us in any small way she could.”

  Ever seemed agitated as she stood suddenly. “I can’t Mia, I just can’t.” Mia jumped up and stopped Ever’s pacing. “Ok, it’s ok Ever. No one is going to force you to do anything that you’re not ready to do ok?”

  Ever calmed down at Mia’s touch and her words. Both women sat again taking comfort in any way they could from each other. Mia felt like she had been through a war and was exhausted. She lay her head against Ever’s shoulder and before she could stop herself, fell into a deep sleep. Ever stayed still. She liked being a comfort for Mia, it so often seemed the other way around in their friendship. Mia twitched in her sleep and Ever stroked the side of her face. “Shh sleep now, I’ll keep the monsters away.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Thomas Jefferson High School- Junior Year

  Ever was in love. She spent every moment she could with Caroline. She was thrilled that in a time when gays and lesbians weren’t always accepted that Caroline didn’t hesitate at all to hold her hand in the halls on their way to class, or give her a quick peck on the lips to say goodbye. Mia was usually with them as well but Ever never minded that. She liked Mia, and she knew that there was something about the other girl that kept Caroline grounded. They had been dating for just about a year now and Ever knew that Caroline was the one. Caroline had told her of her issues with depression one night as they lay on a blanket under the stars.

  “Are you… ok?” Ever had asked after Caroline had explained exactly what depression was and how often she felt the effects of the disease.

  “For the most part, yes. There are times when I am sad. No, it’s more than just sadness, it’s desolation. I can be in a room full of people and feel absolutely, utterly alone.” Ever gathered Caroline in her arms and held her tightly. “What can I do to help?” The thought of her love hurting like that was physically painful to Ever. “Just love me.” Caroline said with a smile and a slight brushing of her lips over Ever’s. Ever’s heart beat out of her chest as it did every single time Caroline kissed her. “That, I can do, for as long as you’ll have me.” Ever kissed Caroline, and it was more than a chaste brushing of lips. It was a connecting of souls and both women felt it. Caroline pulled away first and smiled, raising her hand and caressing the side of Ever’s face. “How about always?” She said, kissing each of Ever’s eyes, her nose, her chin and finally her lips. Ever felt a chill break out over her entire body. “Always Caroline.” She said in a low husky voice. Caroline nodded. “Yes, my forever.” She whispered as they clung to each other as if they knew their time was short.

  Ever woke up on the couch with a gasp. She had forgotten that was the first time Caroline had called her ‘My Forever.’ She had used the term of endearment many more times over the years but that first time, that was special. The memory was sweet and painful all at once. Mia had jerked awake having fallen
asleep on Ever’s lap.

  “What is it? Are you ok?” She said sleepily looking at Ever and taking a deep breath when it appeared that she was ok, physically anyway.

  “I’m fine. Sorry I woke you.” Ever said placing her hand on Mia’s shoulder to reassure her. “It’s ok, I was getting a stiff neck, anyway. We should go to bed but…” Ever stared at Mia waiting. “What is it?” She finally asked. She had never seen Mia look unsure of herself. She was always so confident and ready to take on whatever life threw at her, so unlike Ever herself these days.

  “It’s silly I know, but it’s been such a long day ad I was wondering if… well, would you stay with me? Tonight, I mean? I just don’t want to be alone.” Mia looked so vulnerable in that moment that Ever could not refuse her anything, not that she wanted to, anyway. She wasn’t crazy about being alone tonight either. “Of course.” Ever said and Mia sighed in relief as both women headed towards their bedrooms. “Let me just get my sleep clothes on and I’ll meet you in your room ok?” Ever said wanting to do whatever she could to take that look out of Mia’s eyes. Mia merely nodded and turned right into her bedroom. She left the door open and quickly changed into her pajamas. As she pulled down her comforter and sheets, she felt an inkling of doubt. Was this really the best idea considering her newly found feelings? Mia shook her head. She was too exhausted to have that conversation, even with herself. She wanted, no needed to make sure that Ever was ok, and she needed to feel ok again herself, even if for just a little while. Besides, she thought, as she lay down in the bed and pulled the top sheet over her. She was a grown damn woman, she could certainly control herself for one night, especially tonight after everything that had happened. She still wished that Ever had agreed to get checked out at the hospital but knew that it would do no good to push the mater. Ever did things in her own time now. Mia knew though that sooner rather than later she would have to talk to Ever about seeing someone, professionally. She couldn’t go on this way, neither of them could. Mia made the decision to take her own advice and made a mental note to call her therapist tomorrow and make herself a long overdue appointment. There was a small knock on her door and Ever peeked her head around the corner almost shyly. “Are you decent?” She asked. “Depends on who you ask.” Mia was desperate to lighten the mood somehow. Ever chuckled, it had worked she thought. Ever crawled in next to Mia and both women lay on the backs silently. Mia registered the body heat immediately and closed her eyes. “Mia?” Ever asked into the darkness.

  “Yes?” Mia took a chance and scooted a little closer to Ever. “Do you think she, see’s us?” Mia didn’t have to ask who she was. “I think she watches over us. I think she wants us to be happy and loved.”

  Ever was silent. “Do you think she found her peace?” Ever finally asked in a small voice.

  Mia thought about that for a moment. “I don’t know, Ever, I hope so,” she answered honestly because Ever deserved that.

  “Well, she never had it here.” Ever said and Mia thought she could detect a bit of anger mixed in with Ever’s sadness.

  “That’s not exactly true, Ever,” Mia began. “She did have moments of peace, with you.”

  Ever turned on her side to face Mia, Mia did the same. “Do you really believe that?” She asked.

  Mia nodded and noticed the tears gathering in the corners of Ever’s eyes. “I really do. She loved you so much, Ever. She would have never left you if she felt she had any other choice, and I don’t think she believed that she did in the end. She didn’t mean to hurt us, not any of us, for her, she was saving us.”

  Ever stared at her a long while. “I loved her so much too, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.” The tears spilled over then and ran silently down her face and Mia’s heart broke. It broke for Ever; it broke for Caroline and it broke for herself.

  “You were. You are. Ever, Caroline didn’t take her life because of something you lacked. You are enough, Ever; you always have been. Caroline knew that then; I know it now.”

  With that she put her arm around Ever’s middle and pulled her close. Ever needed her and to hell with everything else. Ever didn’t resist at all and cuddled into Mia’s embrace. The conversation ended there for them both. Words were no longer needed, just the touch of another human, the comfort found almost exclusively amongst shared tragedy. Eventually both Mia and Ever fell into sleep, clinging to each other, and their memories.

  CHAPTER TEN

  When Dawn arrived, Mia awoke finding that her and Ever had switched positions at some point during the night. Mia found herself draped over Ever’s chest with Ever’s arms holding her tightly. It felt so right, she felt safe and loved. She was loath to move, not wanting this moment to end. She knew that soon, Ever would wake up and things would go back to the way they had been. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but Mia was just finding that it was no longer enough. She didn’t know what she was going to do about these feelings but she did know that before anything else, she needed to make sure that Ever got some help. All too soon, Mia felt Ever start to stir. She raised her head to see Ever’s dark eyes flutter open. She looked down at Mia and her eyes widened in panic when she realized the position, they were both in.

  “Shh, it’s ok. It’s just you and I here right now.” Mia was quick to assure Ever and was relieved when she saw Ever nod in agreement.

  “Sorry Mia, I was sleeping so deep, I guess I moved around a bit…”

  “It’s ok Ever, there’s no need for apologies ok?” Ever nodded and visibly relaxed. She shyly pulled her arms away from Mia and sat up on the edge of the bed. Mia missed her warmth almost immediately. She sighed and sat up next to Ever. “Ever, we need to talk.” Mia couldn’t beat around the bush, not this time. Ever looked at her questioningly. “Last night was serious Ever. If I hadn’t come home from work early…”

  “Mia, I told you, I didn’t want to die. I just… I don’t know.” Ever looked up at the ceiling as if she could find her answers there.

  “I know what you said, Ever, and maybe it’s true, but I know what I saw too. You have to see someone, someone professional to talk about what’s going on in your head.” Mia continued as Ever started to shake her head. “I know, I know, you’re a private person. I am too but sometimes; we need a little help. There’s no shame in it, Caroline saw a therapist for years.”

  “And a lot of good that did her huh?” Ever replied, anger creeping into her voice. “She went and saw the same woman every single week, for years and we still ended up standing over her grave. I don’t want to share her, my memories of her, with a stranger Mia.” Ever’s voice changed from angry to pleading and Mia almost gave in.

  “You’re at a point of no return now, Ever. Please, just give it a try, for me? I can’t lose you too. I just can’t.” Mia didn’t mean to get emotional; she didn’t mean to let the tears that always seemed to be brimming right on the surface trail down her face. Ever looked devastated in the face of Mia’s pain and quickly took her into her arms to comfort her.

  “Please don’t cry.” Ever said kissing the top of Mia’s head. “If it really means that much to you, I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises ok?” Mia nodded her agreement; it was better than she had hoped for to be honest. Mia wiped her face. “I need to get to work. Are you going to be ok?”

  Ever nodded. “I’m fine. Well as fine as I can be. I’ll make some calls today, don’t worry.”

  Mia studied Ever’s face for any sign that the other woman was not being truthful with her and found none. Satisfied she got out of bed and headed to her bathroom and a hot shower.

  Ever stayed where she was and watched Mia leave. She thought about the previous night and how close she and Mia had been. It didn’t feel wrong, or weird even though she thought that maybe it should have and she wasn’t sure why. When she woke this morning with Mia curled into her and her arms wrapped around her, it felt good. It felt better than any morning had since Caroline had died. She couldn’t think too deeply on what that meant right now, she jus
t couldn’t. There was so much turmoil in her head that she was amazed she could complete a sentence. It was true what she had told Mia, she didn’t want to die, not really. She just felt so… empty some days. She had often wondered, or obsessed about what Caroline had thought about, what she had felt in those last moments. She thought that was the best way to find out. It being the anniversary of her death, it seemed the perfect time to find out. She regretted that Mia had come home early and found her the way that she had. Ever didn’t think she would ever forget the look of sheer terror in her friend’s eyes. She regretted that. She regretted a lot of things. As much as she hated to admit it, maybe seeing a therapist wasn’t such a bad idea after all. She couldn’t continue like this, this non-life that she had managed to carve out for herself. She was tired of the pain, the longing, every day. It never lessened, it ever got easier. She was a shell of the person she had once been, the person she had wanted to become was so far out of her reach right now that she couldn’t even see her in the distance any longer. She wanted to get back to that person, she truly did, but she was so lost she didn’t know how. Maybe someone on the outside could help her figure it out, help her find her way back home again. She was out of options she thought as she rose to get dressed and get a start on keeping her promise.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Thomas Jefferson High School- Senior Year

  Ever was worried. Caroline hadn’t seemed herself in weeks now. She didn’t want to go out, she rarely left the house other than for school and Ever could see in her eyes that she wasn’t sleeping. Mia was worried about her best friend as well, but having known Caroline longer, she had been through this before.