Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  DOYT

  At your service.

  IMPERIA

  My service? Alas, alas, thou canst do me small service. Did thy master send this painted gentleman to me?

  DOYT

  This painted gentleman to you.

  IMPERIA

  Well, I will hang his picture up by the walls till I see his face, and when I see his face, I’ll take his picture down. Hold it, Trivia.

  TRIVIA

  It’s most sweetly made.

  IMPERIA

  Hang him up, Simperina.

  SIMPERINA

  It’s a most sweet man.

  IMPERIA

  And does the masque hold? [To Simperina] Let me see it again.

  DOYT

  If their vizards hold, here you shall see all their blind cheeks; this is the night, nine the hour, and I the jack that gives warning.

  SIMPERINA

  He gives warning, mistress; shall I let him out?

  DOYT

  You shall not need; I can set out myself.

  Exit.

  IMPERIA

  Flaxen hair, and short too; oh, that’s the French cut. But fie, fie, fie, [these] flaxen-hair’d men are such pulers, and such piddlers, and such chicken-hearts — and yet great quarrellers — that when they court a lady, they are for the better part bound to the peace. No, no, no, no, your black-haired man, so he be fair, is your only sweet man, and in any service, the most active. A banquet, Trivia; quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

  TRIVIA

  In a twinkling. [Aside] ‘Slid, my mistress cries like the rod-woman: “Quick, quick, quick, buy any rosemary and bays?”

  Exit.

  IMPERIA

  A little face, but a lovely face; fie, fie, fie, no matter what face he make, so the other parts be legitimate and go upright. Stir, stir, Simperina. Be doing, be doing, quickly; move, move, move.

  SIMPERINA

  Most incontinently. [Aside] Move, move, move. O sweet!

  Exit.

  IMPERIA

  Heigh ho! As I live, I must love thee and suck kisses from thy lips; alack, that women should fall thus deeply in love with dumb things that have no feeling. But they are women’s crosses, and the only way to take them is to take them patiently.

  Enter Frisco, Trivia and Simperina.

  Heigh ho! Set music, Frisco.

  FRISCO

  Music, if thou hast not a hard heart, speak to my mistress.

  [Music.]

  IMPERIA

  Say he scorn to marry me, yet he shall stand me in some stead by being my Ganymede. If he be the most decayed gallant in all Venice, I will myself undo myself and my whole state to set him up again. Though speaking truth would save my life, I will lie to do him pleasure; yet to tell lies may hurt the soul. Fie, no, no, no; souls are things to be trodden under our feet, when we dance after love’s pipe. Therefore, here, hang this counterfeit at my bed’s feet.

  FRISCO

  If he be counterfeit, nail him up upon one of your posts.

  [Exit with picture.]

  IMPERIA

  By the moist hand of love, I swear I will be his lottery, and he shall never draw but it shall be a prize.

  Curvetto knock within.

  FRISCO

  [Within] Who knocks?

  CURVETTO

  [Within] Why, ’tis I, knave.

  FRISCO

  [Within] Then, knave, knock there still.

  CURVETTO

  [Within] Wut open door?

  FRISCO

  [Within] Yes, when I list I will.

  CURVETTO

  [Within] Here’s money.

  FRISCO

  [Within] Much!

  CURVETTO

  [Within] Here’s gold.

  FRISCO

  [Within] Away!

  CURVETTO

  [Within] Knave, open!

  FRISCO

  [Within] Call to our maids, “Good night”: we are all a-slopen.

  [Enter.]

  Mistress, if you have ever a pinnace to set out, you may now have it mann’d and rigg’d, for Signior Curvetto, he that cries, “I am an old courtier, but lie close, lie close,” when our maids swear he lies as wide as any courtier in Italy —

  IMPERIA

  Do we care how he lies?

  Knocking.

  FRISCO

  Anon, anon, anon. This old hoary red deer serves himself in at your keyhole.

  CURVETTO

  [Within] What, Frisco?

  FRISCO

  Hark, shall he enter the breach?

  IMPERIA

  Fie, fie, fie. I wonder what this gurnet’s head makes here. Yet bring him in; he will serve for picking meat. [Exit Frisco.] Let music play, for I will feign myself to be asleep.

  Enter [Frisco with] Curvetto.

  CURVETTO

  Three pence, and here’s a teston. Yet take all;

  Coming to jump we must be prodigal.

  Hem!

  I am an old courtier, and I can lie close;

  Put up, Frisco, put up, put up, put up.

  FRISCO

  Anything at your hands, sir, I will put up, because you seldom pull out anything.

  SIMPERINA

  Softly, sweet Signior Curvetto, for she’s fast.

  CURVETTO

  Ha, fast? My roba fast? and but young night?

  She’s wearied, wearied; ah ha, hit I right?

  SIMPERINA

  How, sir, wearied? Marry, foh!

  FRISCO

  Wearied, sir? Marry muff!

  CURVETTO

  No words? Here, mouse, no words, no words? Sweet rose,

  I am an hoary courtier, and lie close, lie close.

  Hem!

  FRISCO

  An old hoary courtier? Why, so has a jowl of ling and a musty whiting been, time out of mind. Methinks, signior, you should not be so old by your face.

  CURVETTO

  I have a good heart, knave, and a good heart

  Is a good face-maker. I am young, quick, brisk.

  I was a reveller in a long stock;

  There’s not a gallant now fills such a stock:

  Plump hose, pan’d, stuff’d with hair (hair then was held

  The lightest stuffing); a fair codpiece, hoh;

  An eel-skin sleeve, lash’d here and there with lace;

  High collar, lash’d again; breech lash’d also;

  A little simp’ring ruff; a dapper cloak

  With Spanish-button’d cape; my rapier here,

  Gloves like a burgomaster here, hat here,

  Stuck with some ten-groat brooch; and over all

  A goodly, long, thick, Abram-color’d beard.

  Ho God, ho God! thus did I revel it,

  When Monsieur Motte lay here ambassador.

  But now those beards are gone, our chins are bare;

  Our courters now do all against the hair.

  I can lie close and see this, but not see;

  I am hoary, but not hoary as some be.

  IMPERIA

  Heigh ho! Who’s that? Signior Curvetto? By my virginity —

  CURVETTO

  Hem, no more.

  Swear not so deep at these years: men have eyes,

  And though the most are fools, some fools are wise.

  IMPERIA

  Fie, fie, fie; and you meet me thus at half-weapon, one must down.

  FRISCO

  [Aside] She for my life.

  IMPERIA

  Somebody shall pay for’t.

  FRISCO

  [Aside] He for my head.

  IMPERIA

  Do not therefore come over me so with cross blows. No, no, no, I shall be sick if my speech be stopp’d. By my virginity I swear — and why may not I swear by that I have not, as well as poor musty soldiers do by their honour, brides and four and twenty (ha, ha, ha!) by their maidenheads, citizens by their faith, and brokers as they hope to be saved? — by my virginity I swear, I dream’d that one brought me a goodly codshead, and in one of the eyes there stu
ck, methought, the greatest precious stone, the most sparkling diamond. Oh fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, that diamonds should make women such fools.

  CURVETTO

  A codshead and a diamond? Ha, ha, ha!

  ’Tis common, common; you may dream as well

  Of diamonds and of codsheads, where’s not one,

  As swear by your virginity, where’s none.

  [Aside] I am that codshead; she has spied my stone,

  My diamond. Noble wench, but nobler hose.

  Puts it up.

  I am an old courtier, and lie close, lie close.

  The cornets sound a lavolta which the maskers are to dance. Camillo, Hipolito, and other gallants, everyone save Hipolito with a lady, mask’d, zanies with [torches] enter suddenly. Curvetto offers to depart.

  IMPERIA

  No, no, no, if you shrink from me I will not love you; stay.

  CURVETTO

  I am conjur’d, and will keep my circle.

  They dance.

  IMPERIA

  Fie, fie, fie, by the neat tongue of eloquence, this measure is out of measure; ’tis too hot, too hot. Gallants, be not ashamed to show your own faces. Ladies, unapparel your dear beauties. So, so, so, so, here is a banquet; sit, sit, sit. Signior Curvetto, thrust in among them. Soft music there! do, do, do.

  CURVETTO

  I will first salute the men, close with the women, and last sit.

  HIPOLITO

  But not sit last: a banquet! and have these suckets here! Oh, I have a crew of angels prisoners in my pocket, and none but a good bale of dice can fetch them out. Dice, ho! Come, my little lecherous baboon; by Saint Mark, you shall venture your twenty crowns.

  CURVETTO

  And have but one.

  HIPOLITO

  I swore first.

  CURVETTO

  Right, you swore,

  [Aside] But oaths are now like Blurt our constable,

  Standing for nothing, a mere plot, a trick.

  The masque dogg’d me; I hit it in the nick:

  A fetch to get my diamond, my dear stone.

  I am a hoary courtier, but lie close, close, close.

  [To Hipolito] I’ll play, sir.

  HIPOLITO

  Come.

  CURVETTO

  But in my t’other hose.

  Exit.

  OMNES

  Curvetto?

  HIPOLITO

  Let him go. I knew what hook would choke him, and therefore baited that for him to nibble upon; an old coxcomb rascal that was beaten out a’ th’ cock-pit, when I could not stand a’ high lone without I held by a thing, to come crowing among us. Hang him, lobster! Come, the same oath that your foreman took, take all, and sing.

  Song.

  Love is like a lamb, and love is like a lion.

  Fly from love, he fights; fight, then does he fly on.

  Love is all in fire, and yet is ever freezing;

  Love is much in winning, yet is more in leezing.

  Love is ever sick, and yet is never dying;

  Love is ever true, and yet is ever lying.

  Love does dote in liking, and is mad in loathing;

  Love indeed is anything, yet indeed is nothing.

  [Enter Lazarillo.]

  LAZARILLO

  Mars armipotent with his court of guard, give sharpness to my toledo; I am beleaguer’d! O Cupid grant that my blushing prove not a linstock, and give fire too suddenly to the Roaring Meg of my desires! Most sanguine-cheek’d ladies!

  HIPOLITO

  ‘Sfoot, how now, Don Dego? Sanguine-cheek’d? Dost think their faces have been at cutler’s? Out, you roaring tawny-fac’d rascal! ‘Twere a good deed to beat my hilts about’s coxcomb, and then make him sanguine-cheek’d too.

  CAMILLO

  Nay, good Hipolito.

  IMPERIA

  Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie; tho’ I hate his company, I would not have my house to abuse his countenance. No, no, no, be not so contagious; I will send him hence with a flea in’s ear.

  HIPOLITO

  Do, or I’ll turn him into a flea and make him skip under some of your petticoats.

  IMPERIA

  Signior Lazarillo.

  LAZARILLO

  Most sweet face, you need not hang out your silken tongue as a flag of truce, for I will drop at your feet ere I draw blood in your chamber; yet I shall hardly drink up this wrong. For your sake, I will wipe it out for this time. I would deal with you in secret, so you had a void room, about most deep and serious matters.

  IMPERIA

  I’ll send these hence. [Aside] Fie, fie, fie, I am so chok’d still with this man of gingerbread, and yet I can never be rid of him. But hark, Hipolito. [Whispers to Hipolito]

  HIPOLITO

  Good; draw the curtains, put out candles, and girls, to bed.

  LAZARILLO

  Venus, give me suck from thine own most white and tender dugs that I may batten in love. Dear instrument of many men’s delight, are all these women?

  IMPERIA

  No, no, no; they are half men and half women.

  LAZARILLO

  You apprehend too fast. I mean by women, wives, for wives are no maids, nor are maids women. If those unbearded gallants keep the doors of their wedlock, those ladies spend their hours of pastime but ill, O most rich armful of beauty! But if you can bring all those females into one ring, into one private place, I will read a lecture of discipline to their most great and honourable ears, wherein I will teach them so to carry their white bodies, either before their husbands or before their lovers, that they shall never fear to have milk thrown in their faces, nor I wine in mine, when I come to sit upon them in courtesy.

  IMPERIA

  That were excellent; I’ll have them all here at your pleasure.

  LAZARILLO

  I will show them all the tricks and garbs of Spanish dames; I will study for apt and elegant phrase to tickle them with. And when my devise is ready, I will come. Will you inspire into your most divine spirits the most divine soul of tobacco?

  IMPERIA

  No, no, no; fie, fie, fie. I should be chok’d up if your pipe should kiss my underlip.

  LAZARILLO

  Henceforth, most deep stamp of feminine perfection, my pipe shall not be drawn before you, but in secret.

  Enter Hipolito and the rest of the masquers, as before, dancing. Hipolito takes Imperia. Exeunt [all but Lazarillo].

  LAZARILLO

  Lament my case; since thou canst not provoke

  Her nose to smell, love fill thine own with smoke.

  Exit.

  Act III Scene 1.

  A STREET BEFORE Hipolito’s house

  Enter Hipolito and Frisco.

  FRISCO

  The wooden picture you sent her hath set her on fire, and she desires you, as you pity the case of a poor desperate gentlewoman, to serve that monsieur in at supper to her.

  Enter Camillo.

  HIPOLITO

  The Frenchman! Saint Dennis, let her carve him up! Stay, here’s Camillo. Now, my fool in fashion, my sage idiot, up with these brims, down with this devil Melancholy. Are you decayed, concupiscentious inamorato? News, news: Imperia dotes on Fontinell.

  CAMILLO

  What comfort speaks her love to my sick heart?

  HIPOLITO

  Marry, this, sir. Here’s a yellow-hammer flew to me with thy water; and I cast it and find that his mistress, being given to this new falling-sickness, will cure thee. The Frenchman, you see, has a soft marmalady heart, and shall no sooner feel Imperia’s liquorish desire to lick at him, but straight he’ll stick the brooch of her longing in it. Then sir, may you, sir, come upon my sister, sir, with a fresh charge, sir. Sa, sa, sa, sa; once giving back, and thrice coming forward, she yield and the town of Brest is taken.

  CAMILLO

  This hath some taste of hope. Is that the Mercury

  Who brings you notice of his mistress’ love?

  FRISCO

  I may be her Mercury for my running of errands; bu
t troth, sir, I am Cerebrus, for I am porter to hell.

  CAMILLO

  Then, Cerebrus, play thy part; here, search that hell,

  There find and bring forth that false Fontinell.

  Exit Frisco.

  If I can win his stray’d thoughts to retire

  From her encountered eyes, whom I have singled

  In Hymen’s holy battle, he shall pass

  From hence to France, in company and guard

  Of mine own heart. He comes, Hipolito.

  Enter Fontinell talking with Frisco.

  Still looks he like a lover, poor gentleman.

  Love is the mind’s strong physic and the pill

  That leaves the heart sick and o’erturns the will.

  FONTINELL

  O happy persecution, I embrace thee

  With an unfettered soul. So sweet a thing

  Is it to sigh upon the rack of love,

  Where each calamity is groaning witness

  Of the poor martyr’s faith. I never heard

  Of any true affection but ’twas nipp’d

  With care, that like the caterpillar eats

  The leaves off the spring’s sweetest book, the rose.

  “Love bred on earth is often nurs’d in hell;

  By rote it reads woe, ere it learn to spell.”

  CAMILLO

  Good morrow, French lord.

  HIPOLITO

  Bon jour, Monsieur.

  FONTINELL

  To your secure and more than happy self

  I tender thanks, for you have honour’d me;

  You are my jailor and have penn’d me up,

  Lest the poor fly your prisoner should alight

  Upon your mistress’ lip, and thence derive

  The dimpled print of an infective touch.

  Thou secure tyrant, yet unhappy lover,

  Couldst thou chain mountains to my captive feet,

  Yet Violetta’s heart and mine should meet.

  HIPOLITO

  Hark, swaggerer, there’s a little dapple-colour’d rascal, ho, a bona roba. Her name’s Imperia, a gentlewoman, by my faith, of an ancient house, and has goodly rents and comings in of her own; and this ape would fain have thee chain’d to her in the holy state. Sirrah, she’s fall’n in love with thy picture; yes, faith. To her, woo her, and win her. Leave my sister and thy ransom’s paid, all’s paid, gentlemen. By th’ Lord, Imperia is as good a girl as any is in Venice.

  CAMILLO

  Upon mine honour, Fontinell, ’tis true;

  The lady dotes on thy perfections.

  Therefore resign my Violetta’s heart

  To me, the lord of it, and I will send thee —

  FONTINELL

  O whither, to damnation? Wilt thou not?