How dost thou, Mistress Birdlime?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Master Tenterhook, the party is above in the dining room.
TENTERHOOK
Above.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
All alone? [Exit TENTERHOOK.
HONEYSUCKLE
Is he gone up? Who was’t, I pray thee?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
By this sack, I will not tell you. Say that you were a country gentleman, or a citizen that hath a young wife, of an inn-if-chancery-man, should I tell you? Pardon me, this sack tastes of horse-flesh; I warrant you the leg of a dead horse hangs in the butt of sack to keep it quick.
HONEYSUCKLE
I beseech thee, good Mistress Birdlime, tell me who it was.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Oh God, sir, we are sworn to secrecy as well as surgeons. Come, drink to me, and let’s to our game.
Enter TENTERHOOK and LUCE above.
TENTERHOOK
Who am I?
LUCE
You? Pray you, unblind me. Captain Whirlpool? No? Master Linstock? Pray, unblind me. You are not Sir Goslin Glowworm, for he wears no rings on his fingers. Master Freeze-leather? Oh, you are George, the drawer at the Miter! Pray you, unblind me. Captain Puckfoist? Master Counterpane the lawyer? What the devil mean you, beshrew your heart you have a verydry hand, are you not mine host, Dog-bolt of Brainford? Mistress Birdlime? Master Honeysuckle? Master Wafer?
TENTERHOOK
What, the last of all your clients?
LUCE
Oh, how dost thou, good cousin?
TENTERHOOK
Ay, you have many cousins.
LUCE
Faith, I can name many that I do not know, and suppose I did know them, what then? I will suffer one to keep me in diet, another in apparel, another in physic, another to pay my house rent. I am just of the nature of alchemy; I will suffer every plodding fool to spend money upon me, marry none but some worthy friend to enjoy my more retir’d and useful faithfulness.
TENTERHOOK
Your love, your love.
LUCE
Oh, ay, ’tis the curse that is laid upon our quality. What we glean from others we lavish upon some trothless well-fac’d younger brother that loves us only for maintenance.
TENTERHOOK
Hast a good term, Luce?
LUCE
A pox on the term! And now I tink on’t, say’s a gentleman last night let the pox be in the town seven year, Westminster never breeds cobwebs, and yet ’tis as catching as the plague, though not all so general. There be a thousand bragging Jacks in London that will protest they can wrest comfort from me when, I swear, not one of them know whether my palm be moist or not. In troth, I love thee. You promis’d me seven ells of cambric.
WAFER knocks and enters below.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Who’s that knocks?
HONEYSUCKLE
What! More sacks to the mill! I’ll to my old retirement.[Exit.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
How does your good worship? Passion of my heart, what shift shall I make? How hath your good worship done a long time?
WAFER
Very well, Godamercy.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Your good worship, I think, be riding out of town.
WAFER
Yes, believe me, I love to be once a week a horseback, for methinks nothing sets a man out better than a horse.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
’Tis certain; nothing sets a woman out better than a man.
WAFER
What, is Mistress Luce above?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Yes, truly.
WAFER
Not any company with her?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Company! Shall I say to your good worship and not lie, she hath had no company — let me see how long it was since your worship was here — you went to a butcher’s feast at Cuckold’s-haven, the next day after Saint Luke’s day. Not this fortnight, in good truth.
WAFER
Alas, good soul!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
And why was it? Go to, go to, I think you know better than I. The wench asketh every day when will Master Wafer be here? And if knights ask for her, she cries out at stairhead, “As you love my life, let ’em not come up! I’ll do myself violence if they enter!” Have you not promis’d her somewhat?
WAFER
Faith, I think she loves me.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Loves! Well, would you know what I know, then you would say somewhat. In good faith, she’s very poor; all her gowns are at pawn. She owes me five pound for her diet, besides forty shillings I lent her to redeem two half silk kirtles from the broker’s. And do you think she needed be in debt thus, if she thought not of somebody?
WAFER
Good honest wench!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Nay, in troth, she’s now ent’ring into bond for five pounds more; the scrivener is but new gonei up to take her bond.
WAFER
Come, let her not enter into bond. I’ll lend her five pound. I’ll pay the rest of her debts. Call down the scrivener.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I pray you, when he comes down, stand muffled, and I’ll tell him you are bere brother.
WAFER
If a man have a goon honest wench, that lives wholly to his use, let him not see her want. [Exit MISTRESS BIRDLIME and enter above.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Oh, Mistress Luce, Mistress Luce, you are the most unfortunate gentlewoman that ever breathed! Your young wild brother come newly out of the country! He calls me bawd, swears I keep a bawdy house, says his sister is turned whore, and that he will kill and slay any man that he finds in her company.
TENTERHOOK
What conveyance will you make with me, Mistress Birdlime?
LUCE
Oh, God, let him not come up! ’Tis the swagg’rangst wild oats!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I have pacified him somewhat, for I told him that you were a scrivener come to take a band of her; now as you go forth, day she might have had so much money if she had pleased, and say she is an honest gentlewoman and all will be well.
TENTERHOOK
Enough. Farewell, good Luce.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Come, change your voice and muffle you.
[Exit MISTRESS BIRDLIME and TENTERHOOK above.
LUCE
What trick should this be? I have never a brother. I’ll hold my life some franker customer is come, that she slides him off so smoothly.
Enter below TENTERHOOK and MISTRESS BIRDLIME.
TENTERHOOK
The gentlewoman is an honest gentlewoman as any is in London, and should have had thrice as much money upon her single bond for the good report I hear of her.
WAFER
No, sir, her friends can furnish her with money.
TENTERHOOK
By this light, I should know that voice. Wafer! Od’s foot, are you the gentlewoman’s broker?
WAFER
Are you turn’d scrivener, Tenterhook?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I am spoil’d.
WAFER
Tricks of Mistress Birdlime, by this light!
Enter HONEYSUCKLE.
HONEYSUCKLE
Hoick covert, hoick covert! Why, gentlemen, is this your hunting?
TENTERHOOK
A consort! What made you here, Honeysuckle?
HONEYSUCKLE
Nay, what make you two here? Oh, excellent Mistress Birdlime, thou hast more tricks in thee than a punk hath uncles, cousins, brothers, son, or fathers; an infinite company!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
If I did it not to make your good worships merry, never believe me. I will drink to your worship a glass of sack.
Enter JUSTINIANO.
JUSTINIANO
God save you!
HONEYSUCKLE & WAFER
Master Justiniano, welcome from Stoad!
JUSTINIANO
Why, gentlemen, I never came there.
TENTERHOOK
Never there! Where have you been then?
JUSTINIANO
Marry, your daily guest, I thank you.
OMNES
Ours!
JUSTINIANO
Ay, yours. I was the pedant that learnt your wives to write; I was the collier that brought you news your child was sick, but the truth is, for ought I know, the child is in health, and your wives are gone to make merry at Brainford.
WAFER
By my troth, good wenches. They little dream where we are now.
JUSTINIANO
You little dream what gallants are with them.
TENTERHOOK
Gallants with them! I’d laugh at that.
JUSTINIANO
Four gallants, by this light. Master Monopoly is one of them.
TENTERHOOK
Monopoly? I’d laugh at that, in faith.
JUSTINIANO
Would you laugh at that! Why do you laugh at it, then? They are there by this time. I cannot stay to give you more particular intelligence. I have received a letter from my wife here. If you will call me at Putney, I’ll bear you company.
TENTERHOOK
Od’s foot, what a rogue is Sergeant Ambush! I’ll undo him, by this light!
JUSTINIANO
I met Sergeant Ambush, and will’d him come to this house to you presently. So, gentlemen, I leave you. Bawd, I have nothing to say to you now; do not think too much in so dangerous a matter for in women’s matters ’tis more dangerous to stand long deliberating, than before a battle. [Exit.
WAFER
This fellow’s poverty hath made him an arrant knave.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Will your worship drink any aqua vitæ?
TENTERHOOK
A pox on your aqua vitæ! Monopoly, that my wife urg’d me to arrest, gone to Brainford!
Enter SERGEANT AMBUSH.
Here comes the varlet.
AMBUSH
I am come, sir, to know your pleasure.
TENTERHOOK
What, hath Monopoly paid the money yet?
AMBUSH
No, sir, but he sent for money.
TENTERHOOK
You have not carried him to the counter? He is at your house still?
AMBUSH
Oh, lord, ay, sir, as melancholic, &c.
TENTERHOOK
You lie like an arrant varlet. By this candle, I laugh at the jest!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
And yet, he’s ready to cry.
TENTERHOOK
He’s gone with my wife to Brainford, and there be any law in England I’ll tickle ye for this.
AMBUSH
Do your worst, for I have good security and I care not. Besides, it was his cousin your wife’s pleasure that he should go along with her.
TENTERHOOK
Hoy day, her cousin! Well, sir, your security?
AMBUSH
Why, sir, two diamons here.
TENTERHOOK
Oh, my heart! My wife’s two diamonds! Well, you’ll go along and justify this?
AMBUSH
That I will, sir.
Enter LUCE.
LUCE
Who am I? [Covers her eyes.
TENTERHOOK
What, the murrain care I who you are? Hold off your fingers, or I’ll cut them with this diamond.
LUCE
I’ll see ’em, i’faith. So, I’ll keep these diamonds till I have my silk gown and six ells of cambric.
TENTERHOOK
By this light, you shall not!
LUCE
No, what do you think you have fops in hand? Sue me for them.
WAFER & HONEYSUCKLE
As you respect your credit, let’s go. [Exeunt.
TENTERHOOK
Good Luce, as you love me, let me have them. It stands upon my credit. Thou shalt have anything. Take my purse.
LUCE
I will not be cross’d in my humour, sir.
TENTERHOOK
You are a damn’d filthy punk. What an unfortunate rogue was I, that ever I came into this house!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Do not spurn anybody in my house, you were best.
TENTERHOOK
Well, well. [Exit.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Excellent Luce! The getting of these two diamonds may chance to save the gentlewoman’s credit. Thou heardst all?
LUCE
Oh, ay, and, by my troth, pity them. What a filthy knave was that betrayed them!
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
One that put me into pitiful fear, Master Justiniano here, hat lay’d lurking, like a sheep-biter, and in my knowledge hath drawn these gentlemen to this misfortune; but I’ll down to Queen-hive, and the watermen which were wont to carry you to Lambeth Marsh, shall carry me thither. It may be I may come before them. I think I shall pray more, what or fear of the water, and for my good success than I did this twelvemonth. [Exeunt.
Act Four, Scene Two
ENTER THE EARL and Three Servingmen.
EARL
Have you perfum’d this chamber?
OMNES
Yes, my lord.
EARL
The banquet?
OMNES
It stands ready.
EARL
Go, let music
Charm with her excellent voice an awful silence
Through all this building, that on her sphæry soul
May — on the wings of air — in thousand forms
Invisibly fly, yet be enjoy’d. Away.
FIRST SERVANT
Does my lord mean to conjure, that he draws this strange characters?
SECOND SERVANT
He does; but we shall see neither the spirit that rises, nor the circle it rises in.
THIRD SERVANT
’Twould make our hair stand up an end if we should. Come, fools, come. Meddle not with his matters. Lords may do anything.[Exeunt Servingmen.
EARL
This night shall my desires be amply crown’d,
And all those powers that taste of man in us
Shall now aspire that point of happiness
Beyond which, sensual eyes never look, sweet pleasure.
Delicious pleasure, earth’s supremest good,
The spring of blood, though it dry up our blood.
Rob me of that — though to be drunk with pleasure,
As rank excess even in best things is bad,
Turns man into a beast — yet that being gone,
A horse and this — the goodliest shape — all one.
We feed, wear rich attires, and strive to cleave
The stars with marble towers, fight battles, spend
Our blood to buy us names, and in iron hold
Will we eat roots, to imprison fugitive gold;
But to do thus, what spell can us excite?
This the strong magic of our appetite;
To feast with richly, life itself undoes.
Who’d not die thus? To see, and then to choose?
Why even those that starve in voluntary wants,
And to advance the mind, keep the flesh poor,
The world enjoying them, they not the world,
Would they do this, but that they are proud to suck
A sweetness from such sourness? Let ’em so.
The torrent of my appetite shall flow
With happier stream. A woman! Oh, the spirit
And extract of creation! This, this night,
The sun shall envy. What cold checks our blood?
His body is the chariot of my soul,
Her eyes my body’s light, which if I want,
Life wants, or if possess, I undo her,
Turn her into a devil, whom I adore,
By scorching her with the hot steam of lust.
’Tis but a minute’s pleasure, and the sin
Scarce acted is repented. Shun it then.
Oh, he that can abstain, if more than man!
Tush! Resolv’st thou to do ill. Be not precise;
Who writes of virtue best, are slaves to vice. [Music.
The music sounds alarum to my blood,
What’s bad I follow, yet I see what’s good.
Whilst the song is heard, the EARL draws a curtain, and sets forth a banquet. He then exits, and enters presently with JUSTINIANO attired like his wife, mask’d, leads him to the table, places him in a chair, and in dumb signs, courts him, till the song be done.
EARL
Fair! Be not doubly mask’d. With that and night,
Beauty, like gold, being us’d become more bright.
JUSTINIANO
Will it please your lordship to sit? I shall receive small pleasure if I see your lordship stand.
EARL
Witch, hag, what art thou proud damnation?
JUSTINIANO
A merchant’s wife.
EARL
Fury who rais’d thee up, what com’st thou for?
JUSTINIANO
For a banquet.
EARL
I am abus’d, deluded. Speak, what art thou?
Ud’s death, speak, or I’ll kill thee. In that habit
I look to find an angel, but thy face
Shows th’art a devil!
JUSTINIANO
My face is as God made it, my lord. I am no devil unless women be devils; but men find ’em not so, for they daily hunt for tem.
EARL
What art thou that doest cozen me thus?
JUSTINIANO
A merchant’s wife, I say, Justiniano’s wife. She, whom that long birding-piece of yours, I mean that wicked mother Birdlime, caught for your honour. Why, my lord, has your lordship forgot how ye courted me last morning?
EARL
The devil I did!
JUSTINIANO
Kiss’d me last morning.
EARL
Succubus, not thee.
JUSTINIANO
Gave me this jewel last morning.
EARL
Not to me, harpy.
JUSTINIANO
To me, upon mine honesty, swore you would build me a lodging by the Thames side with a water-gate to it, or else take me a lodging in Cole-harbour.
EARL
I swore so!
JUSTINIANO
Or keep me in a labyrinth as Harry kept Rosamond where the Minataur my husband should not enter.
EARL
I sware so, but, gypsy, not to thee.
JUSTINIANO
To me, upon my honour. Hard was the siege which you laid to the crystal walls of my chastity, but I held out, you know; but because I cannot be to stony-headed, I yielded, my lord, by this token, my lord — which token lies at my heart like lead — but by this token, my lord, that this night you should commit that sin which we all know with me.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 153