Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  Go & deliuer my most-most hartie co¯demnations to all those that steale subiects hearts from their Soueraignes, say to althose, they shal haue my letters of Mart for their Piracie: factious Gnyziards, that lay traines of seditio¯ to blow vp the co¯mo¯-wealth, I hug the¯ as my children, to all those churchmen that bind the¯selues together in schismes, like bu¯dles of thorns, onely to pricke the sides of Religion, till her heart bleede: I will giue them newe orders; To all those that strip Orphanes out of their portions, they shall bee mine Ingles: To all those that vntile their Neighbours houses, that whilst stormes are beating the¯ out, they themselues may enter in, bestow vpon such officers of mine, a thousand condemnations from their maister, tho they be sitting at King Arthurs round Table: When thou doest thy message, they shal haue Tenements of me for nothing in hel. In briefe, tell all the Brokers in Long-Lane, Houns-ditch, or else wher, which all the rest of their Colleagned Suburbians, that deale vpon ouerworne commodities, and whose soules are to vs impawned, that they lye safe enough, and that no cheater shal hook them out of our hands, bid them sweat and sweare in their vocation (as they do hourely) if thou being a knight of the Post, canst not helpe them to oathes, that may make the¯ get the diuel & al, they haue a sound Card on their sides, for I my selfe will Abi in malam, goe and mind thy businesse.

  His warrant being thus signde, the messenger departs, but before he could get to the vttermost ferrie, he met with an old, leane, meagre fellow, whose eies was sunke so deepe into his head, as if they had bene set in backward, his haire was thinner than his cheekes, and his cheekes so much worne awav, that when he spake his tongue smoakt, & that was burnt blacke, with his hot and valiant breath, was seene to moue too and fro so plainly, that a wise man might haue taken it for the Snuffe of a candle in a Muscouie Lanthorne, the Barbar Surgio¯s had begde the body of a man at a Sessions to make an Anatomie, and that Anatomie this wretched creature begged of them to make him a body, Charon had but newly landed him: yet it seemde he stood in pittifull feare, for his eyes were no bigger then pinnes heads, with blubbring and howling, and keeping a coile to haue some body shew him the nearest way to hell, which he doubted hee had lost, the other puts him into a path, that would directly bring him thither, but before he bid him farewell, our blacke knight inquired of him what he was: who answered, that he was somtimes one that liued vpon the Lecherie of mettalls, for he could make one hundred pound be great with child, and be deliuered with another in a very short time, his mony (like pigions) laide euery month, he had bene in vpright tearmes, an Vsurer: And vnderstanding that he fell into the hands of the hell post, he offered him after a pennie a mile, betweene that and the townes end he was going too, so he would be his guide.

  Which mony, when the watermen came to rifle him, he swallowed down, and rakte for it afterwards, because he knewe not what neede he should haue, the waies being damnable: But the goer of the diuels errands, told him, if he would allow him Pursiua¯ts fees, he durst not earne them, he would do him any Knights seruice, but to play the good Angels part, & guide him, he must pardon him. Doctor Diues requests him (in a whining accent) to tell him if ther were any rich men in hel, & if by any base drudgery which the diuel shal put him too, & which heel willingly moile in, he should scrape any muck together, whether he may set vp his trade in hell, & whether there be any Brokers there, that with picking strawes out of poore thatcht houses to build neastes where his twelue pences should ingender, might get feathers to his backe, and their owne too. To all which questions, the vaut curier answers briefly, that hee shall meet a number there, who once went in black veluet coats, and welted gownes, but of Brokers, theres a longer lane of them in hell, than there is in London. Marry for opening shop, & to keepe a Bawdy house for Lady Pecunia, Hoc si fata negant, If the Bailiffe of Barathru¯ deny that priuiledge to those that haue serued twice seuen yeeres in the Freedom, theres no reason a Forrainer should taste the fauour.

  This newes tho it went coldly down, yet as those that are troubled with the tooth-ache, enquire of others what the paine is, that haue had them drawne out, and think by that means they lessen their owne; So it is some ease to Sir Timothy, thirtie per centum, to harken out the worst that others haue endured, hee desires therfore to know how far it is from the earth to hell; and being told that hell is iust so many miles fro¯ earth, as earth is fro¯ heaue¯, he stands in a browne study, wondring (sithence the length of the iournies were both alike to him, how it should happe¯, that he tooke rather the one path then the other. But then cursing himself that euer he fell in loue with mony, and that (which is contrary to nature) he euer made a crackt French Crowne, beget an English Angell, he roarde out, & swore, that his gold sure wold damb him. For saies he, my greedinesse to feede mine eye with that, made me starue my belly, and vndo those for sixe pence, that were readie to starue. And into such an Apoplexy of soule, fell I into with the lust of mony, that I had no sense of any other happinesse: So that whilst in my Closet I sat numbring my bags, the last houre of my life was told out, before I could tell the first heap of gold. Birdlime is the sweat of the Oake tree, the dung of the Blackbird falling on that tree, turnes into that slimie snare, and in that snare, is the Bird her selfe taken. So fares it mee, mony is but the excrement of the earth, in which couetous wretches (like swine) rooting continually, eate thorow the earth so long, till at length they eate themselues into hell. I see therefore, that as Harts, being the most cowardly and hartlesse creatures, haue also the largest hornes, So we that are drudges to heapes of drosse, haue base and leane consciences, but the largest damnation. There appeared to Timotheus, an Athenian, Demorij vmbra, and that gaue him a net to catch Cities in, yet for all that he died a begger. Sure it was Vmbra daemonis that taught me the rule of Interest: for in getting that, I haue lost the principall, (my soule). But I pray you tell mee, Sayes my Setter vp of Scriueners, Must I be stript thus out of all? Shall my Fox furde gownes be lockt vp from me? Must I not haue so much as a shirt vpon me? Heers worse pilling & polling the¯ amongst my countrymen the Vsurers, not a rag of linnen about me, to hide my nakednesse.

  No, sayes the Light Horse-man of Lymbo, no linnen is worne here, because none can be wouen strong enough to hold, neither doe any such good huswiues come hither as to make cloath; onely the Destinies are allowed to spin, but their yarne serues to make smocks for Proserpina. You are now as you must euer be, you shall neede no cloathes, the Aire is so extreame hot; besides, there be no Tailors suffred to liue here, because (they as well as Plaiers) haue a hell of their owne,) (vnder their shopboard) and there lye their tottered soules, patcht out with nothing but ragges.

  This Careere being ended, our Lansquenight of Lowe-Germanie, was readie to put spurres to his horse, and take leaue, because hee sawe what disease hung vpon him, and that his companion was hard at his heeles, and was loth to proceed in his Iourney.

  But he, Qui nummos admiratur, the pawn groper, clingde about his knees like a Horsleech, and coniurde him, as euer he pittied a wretch eaten to the bare bones, by the sacred hunger of gold, that he would either bestow vpon him, a short Table (such a one as is tide to the taile of most Almanacks) chalking out the hye-waies, be they neuer so durtie, and measuring the length of al the miles between town, and towne, to the breadth of a haire, or if this Geographicall request tooke vp too much conceald land to haue it granted, that yet (at last) hee would tell him, whether he were to passe ouer any more riuers, and what the name of this filthy puddle was, ouer which hee was lately brought by a dogged waterman, because sithence he must runne into the diuels mouth, hee would runne the neerest way, least hee wearied himselfe.

  Of this last request, the Lacquy of this great Leuiathan, promisde he should be maister, but he would not bring him to a miles end by land, (they were too many to meddle with). You shall vnderstand therefore (saies our wild Irish footeman) that this first water (which is now cast behind you) is Acheron, It is the water of trouble, & works like a Sea in a tempest (for indeede this first is the worst) It hath a thousand creekes, a thousand windings, and turnings, I
t vehemently boyles at the bottome (like a Caldron of molten leade,) when on the top it is smoother then a still streame: And vpon great reason is it calde the Riuer of molestation, for when the soule of man is vpon the point of departing from the Shores of life, and to be shipt away into another world, she is vext with a conscience, and an auxious remembrance of all the parts that euer she plaide on the vnruly stage of the world: She repeats not by roate, but by hart, the iniuries done to others, and indignities wrought against her selfe: She turnes ouer a large volume of accounts, and findes that shees runne out in pride, in lustes, in riots, in blasphemies, in irreligion, in wallowing through so many enormous and detestable crimes, that to looke back vpon them, (being so infinite) and vpon her owne face (being so fowle) the very thought makes her desperate: She neuer spake, or delighted to heare spoken, any bawdy language, but it now rings in her eare, neuer lusted after luxurious meats, but their taste is now vpon her tongue, neuer sed the sight with any licentious obiect, but now they come all into her eye, euerie wicked thought before, is now to her a dagger, euery wicked word a death, euery wicked act a damnation: If she scape falling into this Ocaean, she is miraculously saued from a ship wracke, hee must needs be a churlish but a cunning Waterman, that steeres in a Tempest so dangerous: This first Riuer is a bitter water in taste, and vnsauoury in sent, but whosoeuer drinks downe but halfe a draught of his remembred former follies, Oh it cannot chuse but be Amarulentum poculum, Gall is hony to it, Acheron like is a thick water, and how can it otherwise choose, being stirred with so many thousands fighting perturbations.

  Hauing passed ouer this first Riuer (as now you are) you shall presently haue your waie stopt with another, Its a little cut by land thither, but a tedious and dangerous voyage by water.

  Lies there a Boate readie (quoth my rich Iew of Malta) to take me in so soone as I call? No, saies the other, you must waite your Marriners leisure, the same wrangling fellow that was your first man, is your last man: Marrie you shall lie at euery Hauens mouth for a winde, till Belzebubs hale you for Acheron, (after many circumgirations) falles into the Stigian Lake (your second Riuer carries that name) It is the water of Loathsomnesse, and runnes with a swifter Current then the former: for when the soule sees deathes Barge tarrying for her, she begins to be sorrie for her ante-acted euils, and then shees sailing ouer Acheron, but when shee drawes the Curtaine, and lookes narrowly vpon the pictures, which her owne hand drew, and findes them to be vglie, shee abhorres her owne workemanship, and makes haste to hoiste vp more Sayles, and to be transported swiftly ouer the Stigian Torrent, whose waters are so reuerend, that the gods haue no other oath to sweare by.

  The third Riuer is Cocitus, somewhat clearer then both the other, and is the water of Repentance, being an Armie of Stix, Many haue here bene cast away, and frozen to death, when the Riuer hath waxen cold, (as oftentimes it doth) neither are all sorts of soules suffred to saile vpon it, for to some (as if the water had sense and could not brooke an vnworthy burden) it swells vp into tempests & drowns them, to others more loue cannot appeare in Dolphins to men, then in that does smoothnes.

  Besides these, there are Phlegeton and Pyriphlegeton, that fall in with Cocytus (burning Riuers) In which (tho they be dreadfull to looke vpon) are no vtter danger: If the Ferryman wast you safely, ouer the waters of Repentance, otherwise these hot lyquors will scalde you. But what a Traitor am I to the vndiscouered kingdomes, thus to bring to light their dearest treasury; Sworne am I to the Imperiall State Infernall, and what dishonour would it bee to my Knighthood, to be found forsworne? Seale vp your lips therefore I charge you, and drinke downe a full bowle of Lethoean water, which shall wash out of you the remembrance of any thing I haue spoken: Be proude, thou Grandchild of Mammon, that I haue spent these minutes vpon thee, for neuer shal any breathing mortall man, with tortures wring out of me so much againe. There lyes your way: Farewel. In such a strange language was this vltimum vale sent forth, that Mounsieur Mony-monger stood onely staring and yawning vpon him, but could speak no more: yet at the last (coniuring vp his best spirits) he onely in a dumb shewe (with pittifull action, like a Plaier, when hees out of his part) made signes to haue a Letter deliuered by the Carrier of condemnation, to his sonne, (a yong Reueller, prickt down to stand in the Mercers books for next Christmas,) which in a dumbe shewe likewise being receiued, they both turnde backe the Vsurer, looking as hungrily, as if he had kist the post. At the banck end, when Plutoes Pursiuant came to take water, Mercury (that runnes of all the errands betweene the Gods) hauing bene of a message from Ceres, to her daughter Proserpine, (the Queene of lower Affrica) finding Charon ydle in his boate, because (as if it had bene out of Terme time) no Fares was stirring, fell to cast vp old reckonings, betweene himselfe, and the weather-beaten Sculler, for certaine trifling money laid out about Charons businesse. So that the Knight slipping in like a Constable to parta Fraie, was requested to be as Arbitrator. The first Item that stoode in his Bill, was,

  For nayles to mend your Wherrie, when twoo Dutch men comming druncke from the Rennish wine-house, splitte three of the boordes with their club fists, thinking they had called for a reckoning: iiij. pence.

  Those Butter Boxes (sayes Charon) owe me a peny vpon the foot of that accompt: For I could distill out of them but onely three poore droppes of siluer for the voyage, and all my losse at sea. Whats next?

  Item, laid out for Pitch to trim your Boat about the middle of the last plague, because she might goe tight and yare, and do her labour cleanly, xj. pence.

  I am ouer-reckoned that odde penny, quoth Charon, & Ile neuer yeeld to pay it, but vi & armis, thats to say, by law. I disburst it (by my Caducens sayes the Herald:) nay, sayes Charon if thou wilt defile thy conscience with a penny-worth of Pitch, touch it still: on.

  Item, for glew and whip-coard to mend your broken oare, iij. pence.

  Thats reasonable; yet I haue caried some in my Wherry that haue had more whip-cord giuen them for nothing: on.

  Item laid out for Iuniper to perfume the boat, when certaine French men were to go by water: j. ob.

  I, a pox on them, who got by that? on.

  Item lent to a companie of country players, being nine in number, one sharer, & the rest Iornymen, that with strowling were brought to deaths door, xiij. d. ob. vpon their stocke of apparell, to pay for their boat hire, because they would trie if they could be suffred to play in the diuels name, which stocke afterwards came into your hands, & you dealt vpon it: xiij. d. ob.

  They had his hand to a warrant (quoth Charon) but their ragges serued to make me Swabbers, because they neuer fetcht it againe, so that belike he proued a good Lord, & master to them, and they made new. Perge mentiri. Tickle the next Minkin.

  Item, when a Cobler of Poetrie called a play-patcher, was condemned with his cat to be duckt three times in the Cucking-stole of Pyriphlegeton (being one of the scalding riuers) til they both dropt again, because he scolded against his betters, and those whom he liued vpon, laid out at that time for straw, to haue caried Pusse away if she had kittend, to avoid any catterwalling in Hell. j pennie.

  Mew, they were not both worth a pennie: on.

  Item, for needle and threed to darne vp aboue two and fiftie holes in your failes, and to a Botcher for halfe a dayes worke about it: vij. pence.