Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  This Brasse money passing for currant through the house, hée is more obserued and better attended, is worshipped at euerie word: and the easier to breake and bridle the Colt, his Worship will not sit downe to Dinner or supper, till the Maister of the house be placed at the vpper end of the boord by him.

  In the middle of Supper, or else verie earely in the following morning, comes in a counterfeit footeman, sweatingly deliuering a message, that such a Knight hath sent for the head-Maister of these Rancke-ryders, and that hée must be with him by such an houre, the iourney being not aboue twelue or fouretéene miles. Vpon deliuerie of this message, (from so déere and noble a friend) hée sweares and chafes, because all his horses are out of Towne, curseth the sending of them backe, offers any mony to haue himselfe, his couzen with him, and his men but reasonably horst. Mine host being a credulous Asse, suffers them all to get vp vpon him, for hée prouides them horses, either of his owne (thinking his Guest to be a man of great accompt, and being loath to loose him, because hée spends well) or else sendes out to hire them of his neighbours, passing his word for their forthcomming within a day or two, Vp they get and away Gallop our Ranck-riders, as far as the poore Iades can carry them.

  The two daies being ambled out of the world, and perhaps thrée more after them, yet neither a supply of Horse-men or Foote-men, (as was promised) to be set eye vpon. The lamentable In-kéeper (or Hackney man, if hée chance to be Sadled for this iourney too) loose their Colts téeth, and finde that they are made olde arrant Iades: Search, then runnes vp and downe, like a Constable halfe out of his wittes (vpon a Shroue-tuesday) and hue and cry followes after, some twelue or fouretéene miles off, (round about London) which was the farthest of their iourney as they gaue out. But (alas!) the horses are at pasture fourescore or a hundred miles from their olde mangers: they were sould at some blinde drunken théeuish faire, (there being enow of them in company to saue themselues, by their Toll-booke,) the Seruing-men cast off their blew-coates, and cried, All fellowes: the money is spent vpon wine, vpon whores, vpon fidlers, vpon fooles, (by whom they wil loose nothing) and the tyde being at an ebbe, they are as ready to practise their skill in horse-manship to bring Coltes to the saddle in that Towne, and to make Nags run a race of thrée-score or a hundred miles of from that place, as before they did from London.

  RUNNING AT THE RING.

  THUS, so long as Horseflesh can make them fat, they neuer leaue féeding. But when they haue beaten so many high-waies in seuerall countries, that they feare to be ouer-taken by Tracers, then (like Soldiers comming from a Breach) they march faire & softly on foote, lying in garrison, as it were, close in some out townes, till the foule Rumor of their Villanies (like a stormy durty winter) be blown ouer: In which time of lurking in the shel, they are not idle neither, but like snailes, they venture abroad tho the law hath threatned to rain down neuer so much punishment vpon them: & what doe they? they are not bées, to liue by their owne painfull labors, but Drones that must eate vp the swéetnesse, and be fedde wilh the earnings of others: This therefore is their worke. They carelesly inquire what gentleman of worth, or what rich Farmers dwell within fiue, six or seauen miles of the Fort where they are insconc’d (which they may doe without suspition) and hauing got their names, they single out themselues in a morning, and each man takes a seuerall path to himselfe: one goes East, one West, one North, and the other South: walking either in bootes with wandes in their handes, or otherwise, for it is all to one purpose. And note this by the way, that when they trauell thus one foot, they are no more called Ranck-riders but Ttrowlers, a proper name giuen to Country plaiers, that (without Sockes) trot from towne to towne vpon the bare hoofe.

  Being ariued at the Gate where the Gentlemen, or Farmer dwelleth, he boldly knockes, inquiring for him by name, and steppes into speake with him: the seruant séeing a fashionable person, tells his Maister there is a Gentleman desires to speake with him: the maister coms and salutes him, but eying him well, saies he does not know him: No Sir, replies the other (with a face bolde ynough) it may be so, but I pray you Sir, will you walke a turne or two in your Orchard or Garden, I would there conferre: Hauing got him thether, to this tune he plaies vpon him.

  HOW THE SNAFFLE IS PUT ON.

  SIR, I am a Gentleman, borne to better meanes then my present fortunes doe allow me: I serued in the field, and had commaunde there, But long peace (you know Sir) is the Cancker that eates vp Souldiers, and so it hath mée. I lie héere not far off, in the Country, at mine Inne, where staying vpon the dispatch of some businesse, I am indebted to the house in monies, so that I cannot with the credit of a Gentleman leaue the house till I haue paide them. Make mée sir so much beholden to your loue as to lend mée fortye or fiftie shillings to beare my horse and my selfe to London, from whence within a day or two, I shall send you many thankes, with a faithfull repayment of your curtesie.

  The honest Gentleman, or the good natur’d Farmer beholding a personable man, fashionably attired, and not carrying in outward coullors, the face of a cogging-knaue, giues credit to his words, are sorry that they are not at this present time so well furnished as they could wish, but if a matter of twentie shillings can stead him, he shall commaund it, because it were pittie any honest Gentleman should for so small a matter miscarry. Happily they meete with some Chapmen that giue them their owne asking; but howsoeuer, all is fish that comes to net, they are the most conscionable market folkes that euer rode betwéene two paniers, for from forty they will fall to twentie, from twenty to ten, from ten to fiue: nay these Mountibanekes are so base, that they are not ashamed to take two shillings of a plaine Husbandman, and sometimes sixe pence (which the other giues simply and honestly) of whom they demaunded a whole fifteene.

  In this manner doe they digge siluer out of mens purses all the day, and at night meet together at the appointed Rendeuouz, where all these Snaffles are loosed to their full length, the Ringes which that day they haue made, are worne. The Prouender is praised or dispraised, as they finde it in goodnesse, but it goes downe all, whilst they laugh at all.

  And thus does a Common Wealth bring vp children, that care not how they discredit her, or vndoe her: who would imagine that Birdes so faire in shewe, and so sweete in voice, should be so dangerous in condition-but Kanens thinke carryon the daintiest meate, and villaines estéeme most of that mony which is purchast by basenes.

  The Vnder-Shriffe for the county of the Cacodemons, knowing into what arrerages these Rank-riders were runne, for horse-flesh to his maister, (of whom hée farmed the office) sent out his writs to attach them, and so narrowly pursued them, that for all they were well horst, some hée sent post to the gallowes, and the rest to seuerall iayles: After which, making all the hast hée possibly could to get to London againe, hée was way-layd by an army of a strong and new found people.

  MOONE-MEN. A DISCOUERY OF A STRANGE WILD PEOPLE, VERY DANGEROUS TO TOWNES AND COUNTRY VILLAGES. CHAP. VIII.

  A Moone-man, signifies in English, a mad-man, because the Moone hath greatest domination (aboue any other Planet) ouet the bodies of Franticke persons. But these Moone-men (whose Images are now to be carued) are neither absolutely mad, nor yet perfectly in their wits.) Their name they borrow from the Moone, because as the Moone is neuer in one shape two nights together, but wanders vp and downe Heauen, like an Anticke, so these changeable-stuffe-companions neuer tary one day in a place, but are the onely, and the onely base Runnagats vpon earth. And as in the Moone there is a man, that neuer stirres without a bush of thornes at his backe, so these Moone-men lie vndes bushes; and are indeed no better then Hedge créepers.

  They are a people more scattred then Iewes, and more hated: beggerly in apparrell, barbarous in condition, beastly in behauior, and bloudy if they meete aduantage. A man that sées them would sweare they had all thè yellow Iawndis, or that they were To••y, Moores bastardes, for no Red-oaker man caries a face of a more filthy complexion, yet are they not borne so, neither has the Sunne burnt them so, but they are painted so, yet they are not good paint
ers neither: for they doe not make faces, but marte faces. By a by-name they are called Gipsies, they call themselues Egiptians, others in mockery call them Moone-men.

  If they be Egiptians, sure I am they neuer discended from the tribes of any of those people that came out of the Land of Egypt: Ptolomy (King of the Egiptians) I warrant neuer called them his Subiects: no nor Pharao before him. Looke what difference their is betweene a ciuell cittizen of Dublin, & a wilde Irish Kerne, so much difference there is betweene one of these counterfeit Egiptians and a true English Begger. An English Roague is iust of the same liuery.

  They are commonly an army about foure-score strong, yet they neuer march with all their bagges and baggages together, but (like boot-halers) they forrage vp and downe countries, 45. or 6. in a company. As the swizer has his wench and his Cocke with him when he goes to the warres, so these vagabonds haue their harlots with a number of little children following at their héeles: which young brood of Beggers, are sometimes caried (like so many gréene géese aliue to a market) in payres of pameres, or in dosters like fresh-fish from Kye that comes on horsebacke, (if they be but infants.) But if they can stradle once, then aswell the shée roagues as the héeroagues are horst, seauen or eight vpon one iade, strongly pineond, and strangely tyed together.

  One Shire alone & no more is sure stil at one time, to haue these Egiptian-tice swarming within it, for like flockes of wild géese, they will euermore fly one after another: let them be scattred worse then the quarters of a traitor are after hées hang’d drawne and quartred, yet they haue a tricke (like water cut with a sword) to come together instantly and easily againe: and this is their pollicy, which way soeuer the formostranckes lead, they sticke vp small boughes in seuerall places, to euery village where they passe, which serue as ensignes to waft on the rest.

  Their apparell is old, and phantasticke, tho it be neuer so full of rents: the men weare scarfes of Callico, or any other base stuffe, hanging their bodies like Morris-dancers, with bels, & other toyes, to intice the countrey people to flocke about them, and to wounder at their fooleries, or rather rancke-knaueryes. The women as ridiculously attire them-selues, and (like one that plaies, the Roague on a Stage) weare rags, and patched filthy mantles vppermost, when the vnder garments are hansome and in fashion.

  The battailes these Out-lawes make, are many and very bloudy. Whosoeuer falles into their hands neuer escapes aliue, and so cruell they are in these murders, that nothing can satisfie them but the very heart bloud of those whom they kill. And who are they (thinke you) that thus goe to the pot? Alasse! Innocent Lambs, Shéep, Calues, Pigges, &c. Poultrie-Ware are more churlishly handled by them, then poore prisoners are by kéepers in the counter it’h Pouitry. A goose comming amongst them learnes to be wise, that hée neuer will be Goose any more. The bloudy trage dies of al these, are only acted by the women, who carrying long kniues or Skeanes vnder their mantles, doe thus play their parts: The Stage is some large Heath: or a Firre-bush Common, far from any houses: Vpon which casting them-selues into a King, they inclose the Murdered, till the Massacare be finished. If any passenger come by, and wondring to sée such a coniuring circle kept by Hel hounds & demaund what spirits they raise there: one of the Murderers steps to him, poysons him with swéete wordes and shifts him off, with this lye, that one of the women is falne in labour: but if any made Hamlet hearing this, smell villanie, & rush in by violence to fée what the tawny. Diuels are dooing, then they excuse the fact, lay the blame on those that are the actors, a perhaps (it they sée no remedie) deliuer them to an officer, to be had to punishment: But by the way a rescue is surely laid, and very valiantly (tho very villanously) doe they fetch them off, and guard them.

  The Cabbines where these Land-pyrates lodge in the night, are the Out-barnes of Farmers and Husbandmen, (in some poore Village or other) who dare not deny them, for feare they should ere Morning haue their thatched houses burning about their eares: in these Barnes, are both their Cooke-rooines, their Supping Parlors, and their Bed-chambers: for there they dresse after a beastly manner, what soeuer they purchast after a théeuish fashion: sometimes they eate Venison, & haue Gray-hounders that kill it for them, but if they had not, they are Houndes themseiues and are damnable Hunters after flesh: Which appeares by their vgly-faced queanes that follow them, with whom in these barnes they lye, as Swine doe together in Hogsties.

  These Barnes are the beds of Incests, Whoredomes Adulteries, and of all other blacke and deadly-damned Impieties; here growes the cursed Tree of bastardie, that is so fruitfull: here are written the Bookes of all Blasphemies, Swearings and Curses, that are so dreadfull to be read. Yet the simple country-people will come running out of their houses to gaze vpon them, whilst in the meane time one steales into the next Roome, and brings away whatsoeuer he can lay hold on. Vpon daies of pastime and libertie, they Spred themselues in small companies amongst the Villages: and when young maids and batchelers (yea sometimes old doting fooles; that should be beaten to this world of villanies, and forewarn others (doe flocke about them, they then professe skil in Palmestry, & (forsooth) can tell fortunes, which for the most part are infallibly true, by reason that they worke vpon rules, which are grounded vpon certamty: for one of them will tell you that you shall shortly haue some euill lucke fall vpon you, & within halfe an houre after you shall find your pocket pick’d, or your purse cut. These are those Egiptian Grashoppers that eate vp the fruites of the Earth, and destroy the poore corne fieldes: to swéepe whose swarmes out of this kingdome, there are no other meanes but the sharpnes of the most infamous and basest kinds of punishment. For if the vgly body of this Monster be suffred to grow and fatten it selfe with mischiefes and disorder, it will haue a necke so Sinewy & so brawny, that the arme of the law will haue much a doe to stricke of the Head, sithence euery day the members of it increase, and it gathers new ioints and new forces by Priggers, Anglers, Cheators, Morts, Yeomens Daughters (that haue taken some by blowes, and to auoid shame, fall into their Sinnes) and other Seruants, both men and maides, that haue béene pilferers, with all the rest of that Damned Regiment, marching together in the first Army of the Bel-man, who running away from their own Coulours (which are bad ynough) serue vnder these, being the worst. Lucifers Lansprizado that stood alooft to behold the mustrings of these Hell-hounds tooke delight to sée them Double their Fyles so nimbly, but held it no pollicy to come néere them (for the Diuell him-selfe durst scarse haue done that.) Away therefore hée gallops, knowing that at one time or other they would all come to fetch their pay in Hell.

  THE INFECTION OF THE SUBURBS. CHAP. IX.

  THE Infernall Promoter being wearied with riding vp and downe the Country, was glad when hée had gotten Citie ouer his head, but the Citie being not able to hold him within the fréedome, because hée was a Forrener, the gates were sette wide open for him to passe through, and into the Suburbes hée went. And what saw hée there? More Ale houses than there are Tauernes in all Spayne and France. Are they so dry in the Suburbes? Yes, pockily dry. What saw he besides?

  Hée saw the dores of notorious Carted Bawdes, (like Hell gates) stand night and day wide open, with a paire of Harlots in Taffata gownes (like two painted posts) garnishing out those dores, being better to the house then a Double signe: when the dore of a poore Artificer (if his childe had died but with one Token of death about him) was close ram’d vp and Guarded for feare others should haue béene infected: Yet the plague that a Whorehouse layes vpon a Citie is worse, yet is laughed at: if not laughed at, yet not looked into, or if looked into Wincked at.

  The Tradesman hauing his house locked vp, looseth his customers, is put from worke and vndone: whilst in the meane time the strumpet is set on worke and maintained (perhaps) by those that vndoe the other: giue thankes O wide mouth’d Hell! laugh Lucifer at this, Dance for ioy all you Diuells.

  Belzebub kéepes the Register booke, of all the Bawdes, Panders and Curtizans: & he knows, that these Suburb sinners haue no landes to liue vpon but their legges: euery prentice passing by them, can say, There
sits a whore: Without putting them to their booke, they will sweare so much themselues: if so, are not Counstables, Churchwardens, Bayliffes, Beadels, other Officers, Pillars and Pillowes to all the villanies, that are by these committed? Are they not parcell-Bawdes to wincke at such damned abuses, considering they haue whippes in their owne handes, and may draw bloud if they please? Is not the Land-lord of such rentes the Graund-Bawde? and the Dore-Kéeping mistresse of such a house of sinne, but his Vnder-Bawd? sithence hée takes twenty pounds rent euery yeare, for a vaulting schoole (which from no Artificer liuing by the hardnesse of the hand could be worth fiue pound.) And that twenty pound rent, hée knowes must be prest out of petticoates:) his mony smells of sinne, the very siluerlookes pale, because it was earned by lust.

  How happy therefore were Cities if they had no Suburbes, sithence they serue but as caues, where monsters are bred vp to deuoure the Cities them-selues? Would the Diuell hire a villaine to spil bloud? there he shall finde him. One to blaspheme? there hée hath choice. A Pandar that would court a matron at her praiers? he is there. A cheator that would turne his owne father a begging? Hée is there too: A harlot that would murder her new borne Infant? She lies in there.

  What a wretched wombe hath a strumpet, which being (for the most part) barren of Children, is notwithstanding the onely Bedde that bréedes vp these Serpente? vpon that one stalke grow all these mischiefes. Shee is the Cockatrice that hatcheth all these egges of euills. When the diuell takes the Anatomy of all damnable sinnes, he lookes onely vpon her body. When she dies, he sits as her Coroner. When her soule comes to hell, all shunne that there, as they flie from a body strucke with the plague here shee hath her dore-keeper, and she her selfe is the Diuells chamber-maide. And yet for all this, that shée’s so dangerous and detestable, when she hath croak’d like a Rauen on the Eues, then comes she into the house like a Doue. When her villaines (like the mote about a castle) are rancke, thicke, and muddy, with standing long together, then (to purge herselfe) is shee dreind out of the Suburbes (as though her corruption were there left behind her) and (as a cléere streame) is let into the Citie.