Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  WHAT ARMOR A HARLOT WEARES COMMING OUT OF THE SUBURBES TO BESIEGE THE CITIE WITHIN THE WALS.

  VPON what perch then does she sit? what part plaies she then? onely the Puritane. If before she ruffled in filkes, now is she more ciuilly attired then a Mid wife. If before she swaggred in Tauernes, now with the Snaile she stirreth not out of dores. And where must her lodging be taken vp, but in the house of some cittizen, whose known reputation, she borrowes (or rather steales) putting it on as a cloake to couer her deformities. Yet euen in that, hath she an art too, for he shal be of such a profession, that all commers may enter, without the danger of any eyes to watch them. As for example, she wil lie at some Scriueners house, and so vnder the collour of comming to haue a Bond made, she herselfe may write Nouerint vniuersi. And tho the law threaten to hit her neuer so often, yet hath she subtile defences to ward off the blowes. For, if Gallants haunt the house, then spreds shée these collours: she is a captaine or a lieutenants wife in the Low-countries, & they come with letters, from the souldier her husband. If Marchants resort to her, then hoistes shée vp these sayles, she is wife to the Maister of a shippe, & they bring newes that her husband put in at the Straytes, or at Venice, at Aleppo, Alexandria, or Scanderoon, &c. If shop-keepers come to her, with what doe you lacke, in their mouthes, then she takes vp such and such commodities, to send them to Rye, to Bristow, to Yorke, &c. where her husband dwells. But if the streame of her fortunes runne low, and that none but Apron-men lanch forth there, then kéepes shée a polliticke sempsters shop, or shée starches them.

  Perhaps shée is so polliticke, that none shall be noted to board her: if so then she sailes vpon these points of the compasse, so soone as euer shée is rig’d, and all her furniture on, forth shée lancheth into those stréetes that are most frequented: where the first man that shée méetes of her acquaintance, shall (without much pulling) get her into a Tauerne: out of him she kisses a breakefast, and then leaues him: the next shée méetes, does vpon as easie pullies, draw her to a Tauerne againe, out of him she cogs a dinner, and then leaues him: the third man, squires her to a play, which being ended, and the wine offred and taken (for she’s on Recusant, to refuse any thing) him shée leaues too: and being set vpon by a fourth, him she answers at his own weapon, sups with him, & drinckes Vpsie Freeze, till the clock striking Twelue, and the Drawers being drowzy, away they march arme in arme, being at euery foot-step fearfull to be set vpon by the Band of Halberdiers, that lye scowting in rug-gownes to cut off such mid-night straglers. But the word being giuen, and who goes there, with come before the Constable, being shot at them, they vaile presently and come, she taking vpon her to answere all the Bil-men and their Leader. Betwéene whom and her, suppose you heare this sléepy Dialogue, where haue you bin so late? at supper forsooth with my Vncle, here, (if he be well bearded) or with my brother (if the haire be but budding forth) and hee is bringing me home. Are you married? yes forsooth: what is your husband? such a Noble-mans man, or such a Iustices Clarke, (And then names some Alderman of London, to whom shée perswades herselfe, one or other of the bench of browne billes are beholding:) where lye you? At such a mans house: Sic tenues euanescit in Auras: and thus by stopping the Constables mouth with sugur-plummes (that is to say,) whilst shée poisons him with sweet wordes, the puncke vanisheth. O Lanthorne and Candle-light, how art thou made a blinde Asse? because thou hast but one eye to sée withall: Be not so guld, be not so dull in vnderstanding: doe thou but follow aloofe; those two tame Pigeons, and thou shalt finde, that her new Vncle lies by it all that night, to make his kins-woman on of mine Aunts: or if shée be not in trauell all night, they spend some halfe an houre together, but what doe they? marry, they doe that which the Constable should haue done for them both in the stréetes, that is to say, commit, commit.

  You Guardians ouer so great a Princesse as the eldest daughter to King Brutus: you twice twelue fathers and gouernours ouer the Noblest Cittie, why are you so careful to plant Trees to beautifie your outward walks, yet suffer the goodliest garden (within) to be ouer-run with stincking wéedes: You are the proining kniues that should loppe off such idle, such vnprofitable, and such destroying branches from the Vine: The beames of your authoritie should purge the ayre of such infection: your breath of Iustice should scatter those foggy vapors, & driue them out of your gates, as chaffe tossed abroad by the windes.

  But stay: is our walking spirit become an Orator to perswade? no: but the Bel-man of London, with whom he met in this perambulation of his, and to whom hée betraied himselfe and opened his very bosome, (as hereafter you shall heare,) is bould to take vpon him that speakers Office.

  OF GINGLERS. OR THE KNAUERY OF HORSE-COURSERS IN SMITH-FIELD DISCOUERED. CHAP. X.

  AT the end of fierce battailes, the onely Rendeuouz for lame souldiers to retire vnto, is an Hospitall: and at the end of a long Progresse, the onely ground for a tyred Iade to runne in, is some blind country faire, where hée may be sure to be sold. To these Markets of vnwholesome Horse-flesh, (like so many Kites to f•ede vpon Carion) doe all the Horse-coursers (that roost about the Citie) flye one after another. And whereas in buying all other commodities, men striue to haue the best, how great so euer the price be, onely the Horsecouser is of a baser minde, for the worst Horse-flesh (so it be cheape) does best goe downe with him. Hée cares for nothing but a fayre out-side, and a hansome shape (like those that hyre whores,) though there be an hundred diseases within: he (as the other) ventures vpon them all.

  The first lesson therefore that a Horse-courser takes out, when he comes to one of these Markets, is to make choyce of such Nags, Geldings, or Mares, especially, as are fat, fayre, and well-fauor’d to the eye: and because men delight to behold beautifull colours, and thath some colours are more delicate (euen in beasts) then others are, hée will so néere as hée can, bargaine for those horses that haue the daintiest complexion: as the Milke-white, the Gray, the Dapple-Gray, the Cole blacke with his proper markes (as the white starre in the fore-head, the white héele, &c.) or the bright Bay, with the like proper ••arkes also. And the goodlier proportion the beast carries or the fayrer markes or colour that hée •eares, are or ••ght to be watch-words as it were to him that after•ards buyes him of the horse courser, that hée be not coozend with an ouer-price for a had peny-worth, because such Horses (belonging for the most part to Gentlemen) are seldome or neuer solde away, but vpon some fowle quality, or some incurable disease, which the Beast is falne into. The Best colours are therefore the best Cloakes to hide those fa••ts that most disfigure a Horse: and next vnto colour, his Pace doth often-times deceiue and goe beyond a very quicke Iudgement.

  Some of these Horse-hunters, are as nimble Knaues in finding out the infirmities of a Iade, as a Barber is in drawing of téeth: and albeit (without casting his water) hée does more readily reckon vp all the Aches, Crampes, Crickes, and whatsoeuer disease else lyes in his bones: and for those diseases seemes vtterly to dislike him, yet if by looking vpon the Dyall within his mouth, he finde that his yeeres haue struck but fiue, sixe, or seuen: and that he prooues but young, or that his diseases are but newly growing vpon him, if they be outward, or haue but hayre and skin to hide them, if they be inward, let him sweare neuer so damnably, that it is but a Iade, yet he will be sure to fasten vpon him.

  So then, a Horse-courser to the Merchant, (that out of his sound iudgement buyes the fairest, the best bred, and the noblest Horses, selling them againe for bréede or seruice, with plainnesse and honesty,) is as the Cheator to the faire Gamester: hée is indéed a meere Iadish Nonopolitane, and deales for none but tyred, tainted, dull and diseased horses. By which meanes, if his picture be drawne to the life, you shall finde euery Horse-courser for the most part to be in quality a coozener, by profession a knau, by his cunning a Varlet, in fayres a Hagling Chapman, in the Citie a Cogging dissembler, and in Smith-field a common forsworne Villaine. Hée will sweare any thing, but the faster hée sweares, the more danger tis to beleeue him: In one forenoone, and in seiling a Iade not worth fiue Nobles, w
ill hée forsweare himselfe fiftéene times, and that forswearing too shall be by Equiuocation. As •ée example, if an ignorant Chap-man comming to beatethe price, say to the Horse-courser your nagge is verie old, or thus many yéeres old, and reckon ten or twelue: hée claps his hand presently on the buttocke of the beast, and prayes he may be damb’s if the Horse be not vnder fiue, meaning that the horse is not vnder fiue yeeres of age, but that hée standes vnder fiue of his fingers, when his hand is clap’d vpon him. These Horse-coursers are called Iynglers, and these Iynglers hauing laide out theirmony on a company of Iades, at some drunken fayre, vp to London they driue them, and vpon the Market day into Smithfield brauely come they prauncing. But least their Iades should shew too many horse-trickes in Smith-field, before so great an Audience as commonly resort thither, their maisters doe therefore Schooe them at home after this manner.

  HOW A HORSE-COURSER WORKES VPON A IADE IN HIS OWN STABLE, TO MAKE HIM SERUICEABLE FOR A COUZENING RACE IN SMITH-FIELD.

  THE Glanders in a horse is so filthy a disease, that he who is troubled with it can neuer kéepe his nose cleane: so that when such a foule-nosed Iade happens to serue a Horse-courser, hée hath more strange pil• (then a Pothecarie makes) for the purging of his head, he knows that a horse with such a qualitie, is but a beastly companion to trauell vpon the high way with any Gentleman.

  Albeit therefore that the Glanders haue played with his Nose so long, that hée knowes not how to mend him-selfe, but that disease being suffered to runne vpon him many yeeres together is growne inumcible, yet hath our Ingling Mountihancke Smith-field-rider, a trick to cure him, fiue or sixe waies: and this is one of them.

  In the very morning when hée is to be rifled away amongst the Gamsters in Smithfield, before hée thrust his head out of his Maisters Stable, the Horse courser tickles his nose (not with a Pipe of Tobacco) but with a good quantitie of the best Néesing powder that can be gotten: which with a quil being blown vp into the Nostrills, to make it worke the better, he stands poaking there vp and downe with two long feathers plucked from the wing of a Goose, they being dipt in the iuyce of Garlicke, or in any strong oyle, and thrust vp to the verie top of his head, so farre as possibly they can reach, to make the pore dumbe beast auoide the filth from his nostrils, which hée will doe in great aboundance: this being done, hée comes to him with a new medicine for a sicke horse, and mingling the iuyce of Bruzed Garlike, sharpe biting Mustard, and strong Ale together, into both the Nostrils (with a Horne) is powred a good quantitie of this filthy Broth, which by the hand being held in by stopping the nostrils close together, at length with a little néezzing more, his nose will be cleaner then his Maisters the Horse-courser, and the filth be so Artificially stop’d that for eight or ten houres a Iade will holde vp his head with the prowdest Gelding that gallops scornefully by him, and neuer haue néed of wiping.

  This is one of the Comedies a Common horse-courser playes by himselfe at home, but if when hée comes to act the second part abroad, you would disgrace him, and haue him hissed at for not playing the Knaue well, then handle him thus: If you suspect that the Nagge which hee would Iade you with, be troubled with that or any other such like disease, gripe him hard about the wesand pipe, close toward the roofe of the tongue, and holding him there so long and so forcibly, that hée cough twice or thrice, if then (after you let goe your hold) his chappes begin to walke as if hée were chewing downe a Horseleafe, shake hands with old Mounsier Cauiliero Horse-Courser, but clap no bargain vpon it, for his Iade is as full of infirmitie, as the Maister Villanie.

  OTHER GAMBALS THAT HORSE-COURSERS PRACTISE VPON FOUNDRED HORSES, OLD LADES, &C.

  SMITHFIELD is the Stage vpon which the Mountibanke English Horse-courser aduancing his banner, defies any disease that dares touch his Prancer: Insomuch that if a horse be so olde, as that foure legs can but carry him, yet shall he beare the markes of an Nag not aboue sixe or seauen yeeres of age: and that counterfeit badge of youth, hée weares thus: The Horse-courser with a small round yron made very hot, burnes two blacke hoses in the top of the two out-most téeth of each side the out-side of the Horse mouth vpon the nether téeth, and so likewise of the téeth of the vpper chap, which stand opposit to the nether, the qualitie of which markes is to shew that a horse is but yong: but if the iade be so old that those téeth are dropt out of his head, then is there a tricke still to be fumbling about his old chaps, and in that strooking his chin, to pricke his lips closely with a pin or a naile, till they be so tender, that albeit be were a giuen horse none could be suffered to looke him in the mouth (which is one of the best Calender to tell his age) but a reasonable sighted eye (without helpe of spectacles) may easily discouer this Iugling, because it is grosse and common.

  If now a Horse (hauing béene a sore Trauailer) happen by falling into a cold sweate to be Foundred, so that (as if hée were druncke or had the staggers) he can scarce stand on his legges, then will his maister, before hée enter into the lists of the field against all commers, put him into a villanous chasing by ryding him vp and downe a quarter, or halfe an houre, till his limbes be thoroughly heated, and this hée does, because so long as hée can discharge that false fire, or that (being so collerickly hatte) hée tramples onely vpon soft ground, a very cunning Horseman shall hardly finde where his shooe wrings him, or that hée is Fowndred. And (to blinde the eyes of the Chapman) the Horse-courser will be euer tickling of him with his wand, because hée may not by standing still like an Asse, shew of what house he comes.

  If a Horse come into the fielde (like a lame soldier) Halting, hée has not Crutches made for him, as the soldier hath, but because you shall thinke the Horses shooemaker hath serued him like a Iade, by not fitting his foote well, the shooe shall be taken off purposely from that foote which halts, as though it had béene lost by chance: And to proue this, witnesses shall come in, if at least twenty or thirty damnable oathes can be taken, that the want of the Shooe is onely the cause of his Halting. But if a Horse cannot be lustie at legges, by reason that either his hoofes be not good, or that there be Splents, or any other Eye-sore about the nether Ioynt, the Horse-courser vses him then as Cheating Swaggerers handle Nouices, what they cannot winne by the Dyce, they will haue by Foule-play: and in that foule manner, deales hée with the poore horse, ryding him vp and downe in the thickest and the durtiest places, till that durt, like a ruffled boote drawne vpon an ill-fauour’d gowtie legge, couer the Iades infirmitie from the eye of the Buyer.

  HOW A HORSE-COURSER MAKES A IADE THAT HAS NO STOMACH, TO EATE LAMB-PYE.

  ALBEIT Lamb-pie be good meat vpon a table, yet it is so offensiue to a horses stomach, that he had rather be fed a moneth together with mustie oates, than to taste it: Yet are not all Horses bidden to this Lamb-pye-Breakefasts, but onely such as are dyeted with no other meate: and those are Dull, Blockish, Sullen, and heauie footed Iades, When-soeuer therefore a Horse-courser hath such a Dead commoditie, as a Lumpish slow Iade, that goes more heauily then a Cow when shée trots, and that neither by a sharpe bitte nor a tickling spurre he can put him out of his lazie and dogged pace, what does hée with him then? Onely hee giues him Lambpie. That is to say, euery morning when the Horse-courser comes into the Stable, hée takes vp a tough round cudgell, and neuer leaues fencing with his Quarter-staffe at the poore Horses sides and buttockes, till with blowes hée hath made them so tender, that the verry shaking of a bough will be able to make the horse ready to runne out of his wittes. And to kéepe the horse still in this mad mood, because he shall not forget his lesson, his maister will neuer come néer him, but he will haue a fling at him: If he doe touch him, hée strikes him: if he speakes to him, there is but a word and a blow: if he doe but looke vpon him, the Horse flings and takes on, as though hée would breake through the walles, or had béene a Horse bredde vp in Bedlam amongst mad folkes. Hauing thus gotten this hard lesson by heart, forth comes he into Smithfield to repeat it, where the Rider shall no sooner leap into the saddle but the Horse-courser giuing the Iade (that is halfe scarred out of his wits already) thrée
or foure good bangs, away flies Bucephalus as if young Alexander were vpon his backe. No ground can holde him, no bridle raine him in, hée gallops away as if the Diuell had hired him of some Hackney-man, and scuds through thicke and thinne, as if crackers had hung at his héeles. If his taile play the wag, and happen to whiske vp and downe (which is a signe that hée does his feates of Actiuitie, like a Tumblers prentice, by compulsion and without taking pleasure in them (then shall you sée the Horse-courser laie about him like a thrasher, till with blowes hée make him carry his taile to his Buttockes: which in a Horse (contrary to the nature of a Dog) is an argument that hée hath mettell in him and Spirit, as in the other it is the note of cowardise.

  These and such other base iuglings are put in practise, by the Horse-courser; in this manner comes hée arm’d into the field: with such bad and deceiptfull commodities does he furnish the markets. Neither steps he vpon the diuels stage alone, but others are likewise Actors in the selfe-same Scene, and sharers with him: for no sooner shall mony be offred for a Horse, but presently one Snake thrusts out his head and stings the buyer with false praises of the Horses goodnesse: An other throwes out his poisoned hooke and whispers in the Chapmans erre, that vpon his knowledge so much or so much hath béene offred by foure or fiue, and would not be taken: and of these Rauens there be sundry nests, but all of them as blacke in soule as the Horse-courser (with whom they are yoaked) is in conscience. This Regiment of Horse-men is therefore deuided into foure Squadrons. viz.