by S J Batsford
Me: Yes, he does. Want me to speak to him about it?
Millie: No... I don’t know, maybe? What if he doesn’t like me that way?
Me: No chance of that. Speak later.
Stowing my phone, I think of the best way to broach the subject.
“Mace?” I say tentatively.
“Lils...”
“Do you like Millie?”
“Yeah, she’s nice and a good friend. Why?” he replies, fidgeting nervously.
“No. I mean… do you fancy her?” Huffing, I turn to look at him fully. He's frozen, looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“Look at your face. Are you blushing?” I snort rolling in my seat.
“You caught me off guard, that’s all,” he snaps.
“Hey. You don’t have to tell me shit. You should know though, you’re both idiots,” I snap back, pissed at him for snapping at me.
He smiles weakly rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassed by his outburst.
“Sorry,” he says, nudging my leg.
“So, do you?” I grin, he laughs, knowing I’m not going to give up until he tells me.
“Okay, okay.”
I raise my eyebrow, waiting.
He grins at me. “Yes, I like her, she’s nice and cute but…. it’s complicated. My dad, he has plans. He wants me to date his co-worker’s daughter. And since I’ll be running his business someday it’s good connections,” he says sarcastically.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and I love the business. I just want to choose who I date,” he murmurs dejected.
“Wow. That’s bollocks. Why are you even putting up with it?”
He stays quiet, staring at the road.
“Come on, you know you can talk to me,” I say gently.
Pulling over by the beach, he cuts the engine. “You want to walk?” He nods toward the beach.
I nod, shocked, he looks so worn. Normally he’s all jokes, quick witted, outgoing and happy.
We walk along the shore silently for a while before he starts talking.
“My dad used to be easy going. He didn’t have control issues, but as the business grew, he became a workaholic. Everything became about the business and where it was going, hence the connections,” he sighs appalled.
“Why are you going along with this bollocks Mace?” His silence infuriates me, and spurs me on.
“He’s your dad not your keeper. Isn’t he supposed to want the best for you? I mean, what the fuck. Using you as a pawn in his little game.” My voice raises in outrage, and people start to stare at us, but I don’t care.
“What about Millie? She genuinely likes you,” I hiss, furious at his dad.
I turn finding him staring at me with his mouth hanging open. I’m so angry, I don’t care if I'm acting like a nutso. He’s my best friend. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
“Wow. You’re kind of hot when you’re pissed,” he teases, watching me pace. His lighter mood soothes my ruffled feathers.
I laugh, rolling my eyes, “Don't be disgusting," I shove him.
"I’m pissed off because you’re my best friend. Your dad has no right to do that. He should be supporting you whatever choice you make. Not trying to lump you with some fake breasted bimbo," I rant, my face hot with anger.
“I know, but he’s my dad. He’s paying for school, my car and I still live at home.” He kicks the sand, frustrated.
“I don’t know what changed him… maybe things will turn out okay,” he murmurs hopelessly.
“Uh-uh, no. He’s not doing this to you. He can’t. It’s not fair.” I go to kick a bottle lying in the sand, miss and fall on my arse.
He drops beside me laughing. I rest my head on his shoulder and sigh, I hate feeling useless.
“What about your mom? What does she say about all this? What about your brothers? Can’t one of them take your place? They’re older, aren’t they?”
Throwing an arm around me, he sighs. “No. My brothers can’t take my place. Dad won’t allow it, he loves them, but they aren’t his sons, I’m his only son,” he says quietly.
“I thought... I mean, I assumed, when you said they were your brothers….” I stumble over my words kicking myself for assuming.
“It’s okay, I let you think that. I don’t distinguish between full or half-brothers. Most of the time dad doesn’t either, but he wants the business kept within the family name,” his tone bitter. I laugh as something occurs to me.
“I’m glad you find that funny,” he snaps annoyed.
“No, wait I just realised, I don’t even know your last name,” I snort, laughing again. We both laugh so loud people are staring at us again, moving away.
“My full name is Mason Lee Scott,” he informs me as we head back to the car. “Thanks, for letting me bitch,” he whispers affectionately, ruffling my hair.
“Hey. Watch the hair dude!” I laugh shoving him. He falls on his arse, making me laugh so hard I don’t see him making a swipe for my legs, until I hit the sand laughing.
~*~
Getting home, I hang my bag, still pissed at Mason's dad. I hate him and I don’t even know him. How could a father not want his son happy?
“Hi, honey. Good first day?” Nan asks cheerfully, smiling at me.
“Yeah, introductions and meeting teachers, all exciting stuff,” I say sarcastically.
“What were you expecting? To jump straight in at the deep end?” she chuckles.
“I know, you’re right. It’s just the start-up stuff is so boring. Why can’t we just jump straight in?”
“As is the way of life, you have to start with the boring stuff and work your way up to the exciting stuff,” she says amused by my disgruntled expression.
Trying to shake my mood I help Nan prepare tea, I watch as she explains how she does things. It has to be done a curtain way, just like her Grandma taught her. After tea, I go upstairs to read the email I know is waiting from Mom.
Hi baby,
Just checking in.
How was your first day at school? Anything new to report?
How’s Mom? Are you two getting along okay? I’m dying to know. Are Mason and Millie together yet? Or are they still denying they fancy each other.
Anyway, write back when you have time. I haven’t called because I’m still a bit under the weather and I have a sore throat. So, I can’t talk too well.
Love you loads. Miss you.
Love, Mom.
xxx
I feel an ache in my chest every time I speak, text or email her. I miss her so much.
She’s still ill? Thinking about it, I realise she hasn’t called me since the first week I was here.
“Nan, have you spoken to Mom on the phone recently?” I yell, jogging down the stairs.
Popping her head out of the laundry room. “We haven’t spoken on the phone in a while, we’ve emailed though, why?”
Now, I’m worried. “Mom just emailed me asking questions as usual, but she said she’s still ill. She said she hasn’t called because her throat’s sore.”
“Hey, what’s got you in a tizzy?” she asks, sitting me on the stairs.
“I’m worried. She’s ill, she’s been avoiding my calls and just acting weird. Not just since I got here, but for a while now, she looked so tired before I left,” I mutter, frustrated I didn't push harder when I noticed how poorly she looked before I left.
“Why don’t we try calling her? I’m sure she’s fine. Perhaps she caught a bug and it’s taking its time shifting” she assures rubbing my arm.
“Yeah. Oh, wait. What time is it?” I look at the clock. “We can’t call now, it’s already two in the morning there,” I sigh disappointed.
“Listen. Why don’t you go for a run? Clear your head, by the time you’re back you’ll be tired and ready for bed. We’ll call first thing?” She smiles hopefully.
“Okay.”
~*~
I wake covered in sweat and tears, my nightmare haunting me. Fighting my way out of
twisted sheets, I sit on the side of my bed trying to wipe the image of my Mom's prone figure from my memory. I mentally shake myself and head for the bathroom needing a shower. My muscles immediately relax, as hot water cascades down my back.
~*~
“It rang off again,” I growl frustrated. “Why the feckin’ hell isn’t she answering her damn phone?”
“Lily. Language!” Nan scolds softly.
“Sorry. Why won’t she answer her phone? I’ve called constantly for two bloody hours,” I cry, throwing my phone on the sofa, pacing the living room.
“Maybe you could call her work? She may be in a meeting,” she offers encouragingly.
“Yes. Thanks, Nan. Here it is.”
“Into U Designs. Natasha speaking. How can I help you?” asks a cheerful voice.
“Erm, hi, Natasha. It’s Lily. Elizabeth’s daughter.”
“Oh, hi, Lily. What can I do for you?” she asks eagerly.
“Is my Mom there, please?” I ask, biting my cheek.
“No, she’s not here. Maybe you should speak with Diane. Hold for a moment, please?”
“I’m on hold waiting to talk to her boss. She’s not there apparently,” I repeat to Nan as she gives me a funny look.
“Hello, Lily. Natasha said you were looking for your mom?”
“Hi, yeah. I can’t get her on her phone. So, we thought she might be in a meeting.” “We? Oh, you’re off in America with your nan, aren’t you? Your mom is extremely proud of you.”
“Thanks. Do you know where she is?” I ask again trying to hide my irritation.
“No. Sorry, honey. She’s not been in to work for over a week. She phoned to say she was ill and wouldn’t be in and we haven’t heard from her since,” she informs me.
Now, I’m starting to panic. I look at Nan wide eyed, as my stomach churns anxiously.
“Okay, thank you, Diane. Bye,” I mumble.
“Lily, what is it?” Nan asks urgently, clasping my hands.
“Mom’s not there, she hasn’t been in, in over a week. She called to tell them she wouldn’t be in and they haven’t heard from her since.”
“That doesn’t sound like Lizzy. She went to school even when she had the flu. She doesn’t phone in sick for anything,” she whispers.
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too. She loves her job. She’s doesn’t take time off, apart from if I needed her. She couldn’t even get the time off to settle me here.”
“What are we going to do Nan? It’s not like I can check on her or send someone else to. We pretty much kept to ourselves, there’s only Mom's workmates.” Tears prick my eyes as worry and anxiety swell inside me.
“What if the flu has turned into something serious? She has no one there. I should have stayed with her, I knew she looked off.” I growl frustrated.
I try her phone again and get her voicemail. Hours pass with us sitting anxiously, me calling her near constantly, I must have called her a hundred times and still nothing.
~*~
Two fucking days! Two. I’ve called, emailed and texted, nothing. I don’t know what to do, there’s no one to call. We’re not eating or sleeping properly, I’ve been dodging Mason and Millie feigning illness.
I know they’re worried and it’s wrong, but all I can think about right now is finding Mom. What if she was in an accident? Or the flu turned into pneumonia? Thoughts and dreams plague me, my mind torturing me with numerous scenarios.
“Morning honey, did you sleep?” Nan voice breaks through my thoughts as I walk into the kitchen.
Day three and she looks exhausted; her face pale, bags under her eyes and dark circles.
“Not really, did you?” Shaking her head, she nods to the pot of tea waiting for me.
I watch, detached as my hands prepare a cup and my legs carry me to sit across from Nan. It’s weird I’m there, but I’m not, like I’m an observer.
My phone rings, I get up slowly knowing it’s Mace making his daily check-in.
“Hello?”
“Hello. Is this Miss Carter?” a tired sounding man asks.
“Yes,” I say and straighten, setting my cup down.
“This is Dr, Williams, I’m an Oncologist from St Thomas’ Hospital. I’m calling regarding your Mother. Elizabeth Carter,” he pauses, “She’s here at the hospital, I’m sorry, she’s incredibly ill,” his tone is professional.
I feel like I’ve been kicked, I can’t breathe. I’m shaking so hard I almost drop my phone. Nan looks at me panicked.
Licking my dry lips, I stand pacing. “What’s wrong? She said she had the flu?”
“I’m sorry. She doesn’t have the flu. She has a late stage cancer. There isn’t much we can do for her, other than make her comfortable in her last days,” he says sadly.
I stand in stunned silence, looking at my Nan who looks baffled.
Then it hits me. My Mom is dying. I let out a pained wail before collapsing. Tears stream down my face, I can’t hear anything but those words repeating in my head.
I’m sorry. She doesn’t have the flu. She has a late stage cancer. There isn’t much we can do for her, other than make her comfortable in her last days….
Wait, last days? What the fuck, how long has she been ill?
I hear Nan talking on my phone.
Shaking violently, I curl into a ball. “NO, no, no.” I don't believe it, I can't.
Ending the call Nan cries softly, watching me, tortured by my anguished cries.
“Nan, s… she s… sent me h… here… so, I wouldn’t see her d… die,” I hiccup trying to see through my tears.
Lying beside me she pulls me into her arms and we sob together.
“Ssh, honey, it’ll be okay. I can’t believe she never told us.”
“What are we going to do?” I ask wiping my nose on my sleeve, my heart aching.
“I don’t know, Lizzy told the doctor she doesn’t want us over there.” She looks uncertain.
“What?” I explode jumping up, she flinches.
“What do you mean? She said that?”
Nodding, she looks away. As anger explodes through me. How could she not want me there? Why would she want a bunch of strangers looking after her and not her own daughter? I storm into the living room trying to dispense my irrational anger.
Nan follows sitting on the sofa, blinking back her own tears.
“He said… She,” she chokes covering her face.
The sight hits my heart hard, my Nan the strong and sassy woman I've come to know, is broken right now.
“Nan?” I whisper, crouching in front of her, removing her hands.
She looks at me. “He said she doesn’t have much time left,” she hiccups.
We cry together, holding each other heartbroken.
I’m cold and in physical pain, time crawls as everything but our pain ceases to exist.
Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours. I don’t know how long we’ve sat here frozen, stricken by the reality of losing her and neither of us seeing her again.
I blink, hearing the constant ding-dong of the doorbell. Nan doesn’t even twitch.
“I’ve got it,” I say, my voice hoarse.
Yanking the door open, I see the three concerned faces of Millie, Mason and Tiffany. Their faces change from concerned to alarmed on seeing me. Mason rushes to me.
“Lily, what’s wrong? We’ve been calling you and Cora for hours,” he blurts rubbing my arms. Panic tightens his face as I stare at him blankly.
“Lily, where’s Cora?” Tiffany asks, gently touching my arm. I look down at her hand on my arm, turn and head back in. Nan’s still where I left her curled up crying, my heart squeezes at the sight of her.
Walking over, I kneel in front of her, her face is red, swollen, blotchy and wet. My eyes well up. Clearing my throat, I touch her cold hand.
“Nan… Tiff, Millie and Mace are here.”
Sniffing, she wipes her eyes looking at them. She looks so vulnerable.
“Hi,” she whispers soft
ly, her eyes shattered. I feel helpless because there's nothing I can do to take away her pain.
Now, I have to find the words, to explain to my two best friends. To My Mom’s best friend…
I take a deep breath, squeezing her hand drawing strength from her. I stand and look at our friends.
“I got a call earlier.” My voice cracks as emotion clogs my throat.
Swallowing, I look at Tiffany knowing this will be harder on her.
“You might want to sit Tiff,” I say gently. She sits slowly not taking her eyes off me.
“The call, Mom, she’s ill. A doctor called from a hospital in London,” I say, my voice wobbling; it's so much harder saying the words out loud.
“She has… cancer; she doesn’t have long….” I squeeze my eyes shut. Tiffany's whimper almost breaking my resolve. I bite my trembling lip so hard I taste blood.
“She’d obviously known a while and didn’t want to tell me, us. I realise now that she sent me here with the sole purpose to die alone.” Saying the words out loud feels like swallowing razor blades.
Both Mason and Millie step forward seeing me struggle. I hold my hand up to stop them, I need to do this.
“He said there’s nothing they can do… just keep her comfortable in her last days. She doesn’t want either Nan or I there... To watch her deteriorate.”
I hear Tiff and Nan sobbing, but I can’t move. I’m frozen, numb. Staring blankly. I have nothing to give. My mind protects itself by shutting down emotionally and right now, I’m grateful because when I do feel, it will kill me.
~*~
I rouse slowly on the floor, sitting up I feel an arm drop from my waist.
Shocked, I see Mace asleep behind me. What the hell?
It hits me so hard my breath explodes from my chest in a rush. My Mom has cancer! She’s dying. It devastates me all over again, she's everything… My best friend, my Mom and Dad. Why did I come here? I didn’t need to. We could've come together, got her a new doctor.