by S J Batsford
I’ve wasted months when I could have been with her, taking care of her. Instead, I’ve been sunning it up in California, while she’s home suffering, alone.
I feel sick remembering all the emails and texts I sent rambling on about how great it was here and how much fun I was having. Unable to stay seated, I walk to the window, looking out. Everything looks normal. The sun still rose, the world still moves, life goes on. But for me, one phone call changed everything.
Needing a break from my own thoughts, I head for the stairs, needing a release. I need fresh air to sort the jumbled mess of feelings and thoughts.
Passing Nan’s room, I notice she’s not slept there. I rub my head, trying to remember whether she was downstairs… There was me and Mace on the floor. Millie and Tiff on one side of the sofa. I don’t remember seeing Nan though. My heart rate skyrockets as I run back downstairs.
Nope, not in the living room or kitchen. Panic creeps in and my mind blanks… Think, think, think. Where could she be? Where would I be? Then the proverbial light bulb clicks on.
I run through the house like a mad woman, back upstairs and skid to a halt in the doorway of my room. I breathe a sigh of relief, there on my bed, curled up and clutching a photo of Mom, is Nan looking worn and sobbing in her sleep.
I move around the room quietly gathering my clothes and change in the bathroom. My body itching to release pent up energy.
I creep back downstairs trying not to wake anyone, especially Mace, I need to be alone and I know he’ll want to come with me.
I breathe a sigh of relief as the sun beats down on me warming my cold skin as I stretch, feeling my stiff muscles release.
Smooth, soothing music flows into my ears. Not my usual choice, but today I wanted to feel close to my Mom and classical was her favourite. I remember her humming it to me when I was younger after a nightmare or when I was sick.
So many memories bombard me, and I let them come, because while running it’s okay. I’m moving, it’s how I deal with my emotions.
And at the moment, I feel like they’re on overload just waiting to spill over. I run on autopilot my body navigating its way through the streets.
Like waking from a slumber, I notice I’ve reached the park it’s beautiful today. Packed, a combination of heat and the weekend brings more runners, cyclists, children playing and families picnicking.
Normally I run without music, preferring the sounds of nature. But today the noise is grating, instead of soothing. I want to scream, to release all the pent-up energy I feel coursing through me. It’s been that way for days. It's like I’m on a non-stop adrenaline rush. It’s making me feel twitchy, hyper, tired and snappy.
I don’t know what the hell I need, but snapping at everyone isn’t going to cut it.
Taking a break, I sit under my usual tree away from the main noise, close my eyes. I take deep cleansing breaths, hoping to clear my mind and decompress.
“Thank god. There you are.” My eyes snap open. I blink, focusing on Mason as he stands over me looking relieved and out of breath. Glancing around, I’m dumbfounded, it’s dark.
“I’m sorry, I must have fallen asleep. I was trying to quieten the mess up here,” I say tapping my head. “I bet Nan’s having kittens. I’m sorry,” I whisper again.
He plunks down beside me. “Yeah, she's worried, thinking all sorts.”
I immediately feel like shit. I didn’t want to scare her…
“It’s okay, I fired a text off to Millie when I saw you sitting here, under our tree no less.” He smiles sadly, I can just about muster up the energy to talk let alone smile.
“I don’t know what to say so, I’ll just shut up and sit quietly. If you need me, I’m always here.” His face softens as he puts an arm around me.
And that’s all it takes, one small act of kindness from one of my closest friends and I’m reduced to a blubbering mess. I clutch him as tightly as I can, feeling fragile and broken. I sob all over him, rambling incoherently into his shirt. Holding me to his chest and rocking me.
“It’s okay, I’m here you’re not alone,” he assures kissing my head. I nod, feeling grateful for having him as a friend. I’m glad to have someone there to hold me up.
Pulling back, I dry my face. “Thanks for coming to find me and for being there.”
~*~
Chapter Four
Over the next few days Nan and I try to come to terms with everything.
I don’t go back to school. I’ve only attended a few days so far. The university has been amazing about it.
Mace, Millie and Tiff are constant pillars of strength for us as days pass with no calls, texts or emails from Mom.
Finally, on Saturday we get to speak on the phone for a few minutes. It hurts so much more hearing her laboured breathing.
“Hi Mom,” I whisper, swallowing past the emotion that’s threatening to choke me.
“Hi baby, I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting, confused and most likely angry… I just didn’t want you to have to deal with this, I don’t want you seeing me like this,” she coughs.
“Please…. all I want is for you to live life the way you want, be happy and fall in love. And, look after Mom for me, she’s been through so much already. Be there for each other and know that I love you both,” she wheezes, coughing loudly.
I sob quietly realising this is our goodbye. “Please, let me come home,” I beg.
“No, baby. You need to be with Grandma. I’m being looked after…. I promise. I’ve got to go... I love you. I’ve always been proud of you…” I hear her sob quietly.
“I love you, too. Bye.” I say as the line clicks off. Dropping my phone, I crumble as pain ravages me.
I hear faint, worried voices.
“Lils?” A voice calls faintly. Mason?
“Cora? She’s not waking up.”
“Mmm,” I groan, my head fuzzy.
“She’s coming around, don’t worry, you caught her head before she hit the floor. Physically, she’s okay...” Nan whispers.
“It’s too much. How are we going to…?”
“I don’t know, honey. It was hard… But saying it… She’s been through so much already,” she hiccups.
~*~
I blink, I’m in my bed, still dressed. My head is banging. Getting up slowly, I head to the bathroom.
Looking in the mirror, I look and feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. My throat’s dry and sore, my eyes are puffy and my hair’s a rat’s nest.
Splashing water on my face isn’t enough, so I jump in the shower. After going through the motions of washing, drying and dressing. I trudge downstairs into the kitchen, Mace spots me, staring, his fork frozen mid-air. While Millie talks quietly to him.
Tiff and Nan are at the cooker, preparing more food. They all turn as I sit, looking at me like I’m going to faint at any moment. I roll my eyes, grabbing some juice.
“I’m okay. I’m not going to streak down the street, screaming,” I joke, my voice hoarse.
“Well, good, because I don’t think the neighbours would like that much,” Nan says. I smile and get up to hug her.
“Are you okay?” I whisper into her hair.
“We’re going to have to be, aren’t we? How are you feeling? I’ve been so worried about you.” She looks at me closely, taking in every blemish and blotch.
“I’m okay, numb, but trying to get through it,” I whisper still feeling raw.
“Okay, then, let’s eat, you need food.”
“Wha…”
“Not now, Millie,” Nan interrupts her. Placing a plate full of pancakes, bacon and eggs in front of me.
Mason nudges her, shaking his head, she drops her gaze to the table eating quietly. I raise an eyebrow at them, but don’t ask.
Shaking my head, I take my first bite, chewing thoroughly before swallowing. I still wince as it rubs my sore throat.
Mace looks up, hearing me wince. “You okay?” he asks, worried.
I nod. “Yeah, just a sore throat,” I
croak getting up to look through the cupboards for cough syrup.
“Second cupboard, on your right,” Nan directs.
“Thanks Nan,” I sigh, feeling it’s soothing effect, slide down my throat.
They’re all acting strange, glancing at each other then, at me.
We eat in silence, it’s so oppressive I’m relieved by the time we all move to the living room.
“Do you fancy a run?” he asks slapping his leg. I smile. Thanking him silently for knowing me so well.
“Yeah, I could use the fresh air and the exercise after that breakfast,” I chuckle looking over at Nan.
I need a break from everyone waiting for me to fall apart… and waiting for the phone to ring.
~*~
I love feeling my calf muscles burn, the release of tension.
“So,” Mason pants keeping pace with me.
“So?” I puff.
“Come on, Lils. No bullshit. I know you better than that. How are you really doing?” He veers toward our tree.
Sitting, I gulp water, taking a minute to appreciate the beauty surrounding me. Seeing life all around me… I just feel numb.
“Lils?”
Leaning on my hands, I lay my head on my shoulder, peering at him wondering where to start.
“Okay, I’ve been better, I feel empty, numb. Sometimes I feel nothing, you know?” He nods, staying quiet, understanding I need to get this out.
“I feel like a part of me has died and I’m struggling with the need to be alone and wanting to be there for Nan. Problem is, when I’m alone I think too much and it hurts worse. I just wish I could have been with her these past weeks. I feel guilty for all the emails I sent, I told her everything that was happening here. About you and Millie and how stupid it is that you two haven’t got together…”
He chuckles at my jibe.
“She was so excited to know if you two had worked it out. She asked in her last email, but I never replied…” I drift off.
“Listen. If you want to be alone. I can go over there or something,” he points over at the swing set, I look back and forth between them and I giggle.
He’s shocked by the sound. “And what are you laughing at, potty mouth?”
A belly laugh escapes me. “You… You’re too big for kiddie swings. And I told you not to call me that.”
“Like you could stop me.”
He nods toward the swings. “I bet I could go higher than you potty m...”
I’m up and running for the swings before he finishes, laughing. I hear him curse, then his feet rushing through the grass.
We both jump onto the swings laughing like kids.
“Come on, let’s see what you’ve got,” he challenges.
I smile, poor guy has no idea… I’m great at this.
“Let’s go, but don’t cry when I leave you grounded while I’m up there,” I boast, sticking my tongue out at him.
“That’s rude you know,” he says, sounding like a child.
I snicker. “What are you, four? ‘That's rude, I’m telling…’” I taunt.
“Come on, no more stalling. Are you afraid?”
“Hell no. Let’s go,” I shout, feeling free for the first time in a long time. That’s the thing about our friendship, it’s so easy it’s like we’ve known each other forever.
On our return trip, we laugh and shove each other, trying to trip one another. Basically, acting like kids.
We walk through the door laughing and shoving each other.
Nan looks up surprise, smiling weakly at me. Seeing her, I sober immediately.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, go take a shower, you both stink,” she says wrinkling her nose.
“Now, I know where you get it from,” he laughs, pointing at me.
I open and shut my mouth, looking at Nan in astonishment.
“Can you believe him? The king of attitude?” I ask, she grins at us tittering. Turning back to watch her home improvement show.
~*~
“Lily, can I talk to you for a minute?” Nan asks, perching on the edge of my bed.
“Sure, just let me throw on some clothes,” I say around my toothbrush.
When I come out the bathroom, she’s looking at a picture of Mom and me.
“What's up? Where’s Mace?” I try and keep the sorrow from my voice when I see the picture of Mom holding me as a baby.
She looks at me, tears swimming in her eyes and dread washes over me leaving me cold. I swallow my rising panic and sit beside her.
“Mace went home a few minutes ago,” she whispers, too softly. I nod, keeping quiet not wanting her to finish, but it’s obvious she will.
“Earlier this morning while you were unconscious, I received a call from Dr, Williams.” Grief and pain grip me by the throat.
“No. Please no. Not yet. She can’t be. Please, tell me she’s not…” I beg, tears dripping from my chin.
She just shakes her head, devastated.
“He said she passed away not long after coming off the phone with you, and that she went peacefully,” she cries.
I curl into a ball on my bed as years of memories assault me.
We cry quietly together each stuck in our own memories.
Slowly I gain control over myself, putting my own emotions and grief aside to deal with later.
“Nan, why didn’t you tell me earlier? I left you alone for hours!”
“You’ve been through so much the last few days.” She hiccups. “And with you passing out and not eating or sleeping properly. I just wanted you to have a few hours as normal as possible. I was worried I was going to lose you too.” She replies, her eyes begging me to understand.
“I’m not mad, just sorry that I left you to deal with it alone. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I mumble as she pulls me into a hug and we cry again, for the one person we both loved and couldn’t be with in the end.
~*~
A cremation was performed in the UK days after she passed, at the behest of Mom. She wanted no one there, just a simple cremation then a ceremony here. It tore me apart not being there, but I respected her last wish and a week after her cremation her ashes arrived and we got to work planning the ceremony here.
After everything was set for Saturday at two p.m. We had to sort out putting the flat on the market and find someone to pack up our things. Luckily, Mom had great friends at work that loved her.
Diane and Natasha went over with my permission to donate all the furniture and box all our personal items up to ship over to me. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it all, I just couldn’t get rid of it all.
I’m not ready, I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t want to say goodbye… She was going to cheer the loudest at my graduation, and give me away at my wedding… I miss her so much already. Every day I go to pick up the phone to tell her something or to ask her advice.
Wiping away a stray tear, I look at the black dress I have hanging on the door for tomorrow. I cried when it arrived by courier, it was her baby her masterpiece.
An off the shoulder dress, it falls just above the knee with a beautifully ribbed bodice. I smile remembering her design it. She was so intense when in the zone. Whenever she drew she wore old sweats, her hair twisted into a messy bun with a charcoal pencil resting behind her ear. She’d hum as she drew, frowning in concentration.
She was so excited when the finished product was in her hands, she loved it on sight. It’s still a best seller. Diane sent it with her condolences, she thought it would be a fitting tribute to my Mom’s talent as a designer and her love of fashion.
Breaking out of my thoughts, I go in search of Nan finding her in her room picking out her shoes for tomorrow.
“Nan, do you need anything before tomorrow?” I ask from the doorway.
“No, honey, I’m all set. Are Mason and Millie coming here or meeting us there?” she asks, smiling weakly.
Dragging my phone out I text them.
Me to Mason: Are you coming to
ours tomorrow or meeting us there?
Me to Millie: Are you coming to ours tomorrow or meeting us there?
As soon as I hit send I get one back.
Mason: I’m coming to yours first thing, and I’m driving.
Millie: Sorry, I’ve got to help Mom tomorrow. She’s all over the place. Will you be okay?
Me to Millie: Yeah, I’ll be fine. Look after Tiff.
Me to Mason: Yes, sir. :)
Mason: Cheeky shit. :p
I giggle at his reply. “Mason’s coming here first thing. He said he’s driving. I don’t think he trusts us to drive.”
She shakes her head. “If I didn’t know otherwise, I’d think you two were either together or siblings,” she chuckles.
“Millie needs to help Tiff. She said she’s all over the place.” I sigh, knowing tomorrow is going to be horrendous.
“That’s understandable, they were inseparable from kindergarten.”
“I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” I yawn.
“Okay, honey. Go get some sleep, I’m going in a minute too. Goodnight,” she whispers as I kiss her cheek.
Heading back to my room, I find myself typing out a text to Mason.
Me: Thanks for always being there for Nan and me. You’re the best and I love you dearly (like a brother) xxx
I press send, change and slide into bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking. Over the past two weeks I’ve been so angry at her for making the choice to die alone and be cremated alone. I felt she took away my chance to say a real goodbye.
My phone pings.
Mason: Aww, that’s sweet, you wuv me. I know I’m cute and’ lovable. :p Seriously though. I will always be there when you need me. I love you, too. (Like a sister) <- what’s with that? xxx.