Mercy's Angels: Elizabeth

by Barbi Barnard

  ***

  March 5th. Emergency office call for Elizabeth Clayton:

  Elizabeth was found sitting in her car in the school pick up lane at 10:15 am. She was battered and bleeding. She had no clothes and only a plastic table cloth covering her. I asked that she be transported to County general for examination.

  Follow up at hospital:

  Elizabeth is coherent and asking why she was brought to the hospital. She has no memory of sitting in her car or why she would be there. She refuses medical care. She discharged herself by slipping out of the hospital without anyone noticing.

  I read the entry and try to remember that day. Nothing comes to mind. How could this happen and I not remember? I look up at her and hand the paper back. I shake my head as I have no words or explanation. I watch as she flips to another page and highlights again. I don’t know if I want to know what this one says.

  April 26th Elizabeth Office visit appointment:

  Elizabeth has come for her regular scheduled appointment. She looks healthy in weight and no visible marks or cuts are showing. Her hair looks like it was chopped off in places and is jagged. When asked about her hair she does not notice it has been cut until pointed out. Elizabeth left early.

  Again I shake my head no, as I am handed another paper.

  June 6th Elizabeth Office visit by appointment:

  Elizabeth looks happy and healthy at first glance. She reports that her husband has gone away and she is feeling better about her parental skills. She does not notice that she has a bleeding wound on her leg until pointed out by myself. The cut looks like a knife has been stabbed into her inner thigh. She allows me to help her clean it up then scrubs the floor even after I asked her not to. She does not tell me what happened, she claims she doesn’t know.

  July 28th Elizabeth Office visit appointment:

  Elizabeth is bruised and cuts are visible on her neck and chest. She seems agitated and scared. When asked she reports she is being followed. Elizabeth left early without another word.

  I hand the papers back and sit in my chair a little straighter. I don’t remember these things. And I tell her so. I see her nod her head. She places the papers back in the file and sets it aside. I know she is now ready to talk.

  “Elizabeth I have many more entries of the same. Things that I've seen evidence of and you couldn't explain. You had no memory of things that happened to you. I encouraged you to try hypnosis and you were against it. You stated you would rather not remember. It's my opinion that your mind hides things from you that you don’t want to remember. I feel this is your coping mechanism of sorts.”

  That shiver is in my spine and I know the worst is coming. She is going to tell me things I don’t want to know and I don’t know if I should ask her to leave or let her stay and hear what she says.

  “Elizabeth, I want to talk about some things that you don’t remember. If at any time you feel overwhelmed, we will slow it down and pick it apart.” I nod my head, not sure at all if I’m ready. I see her smile and know she is trying to reassure me.

  “Let’s start with the other night. You have no memory of anything after you came into your room. Is that correct?” I nod my head playing the day over again in my head.

  “Let me tell you what witnesses have related to me about the other night. Are you ready for this?” I nod my head but don’t answer verbally.

  “You had been out most of the day and left your phone in your office. By not answering your phone, people were worried for you and your whereabouts. As you pulled into the parking lot you were spotted by Greg and he notified others you were back. Greg met you here in this room. His statement is what you don’t remember. Are you still with me?” I nod my head that I am with her. I do not remember seeing Greg.

  “Greg states that he grabbed you roughly by the arm. He states that he spun you around and raised his voice at you. You did not respond to his questions and he says that he yelled at you and demanded answers. Greg also states that you screamed his father’s name at him, pulled yourself away and when he let go, that you lost your balance and fell into the corner of that table, the one right behind you. You then began a high pitched screech. You called him Richard and begged him not to kill you in front of Jenni.”

  None of what she is saying makes sense. Greg is not like Richard. Richard liked to hurt people. Mostly he liked to hurt women. He bragged about it. I learned later through research some men can’t perform sexually unless they cause others pain.

  She continues telling me and I try to stay with her. “Kenneth then came into the room and removed Greg, with the help of others, and found you on the floor curled into a ball wailing. He picked you up and held you till you calmed down. Kenneth states that you looked at him and Tiffi. He states that your mouth was moving without saying any words. He said, and Tiffi concurs, you then passed out. Tiffi helped to put you to bed and called your doctor to make a house call and an appointment. Those are the facts given by others who were in this room with you. Does any of it sound familiar?”

  I don’t know if I’m in a twilight zone or if she is. How can all those things happen and I not know about them? That’s what is so strange. I can’t believe that Greg could ever hurt me on purpose. I don’t know how to communicate my feelings about this. I want to bury myself and make it go away.

  “I have so many questions, but I don’t know where to start.” She nods her head like she understands and not like she wants me to continue. I feel confused and angry. “Why would I forget some things, but remember others?”

  My question has her sitting forward. “I have a theory. It’s just that, a theory. I believe you block out things that involve Jenni or any child.” I think about what she says. Not once do I ever remember Jenni getting a spanking or even yelled at by Richard. Looking back now it seems odd. Jenni was not a perfect child. She had her moments of rebellion and pushing boundaries. Why don’t I remember Richard ever saying or doing anything? Was she abused and I forgot it? Did I not protect her? I feel my heartbeat increase. I can feel a cold sweat forming. Memories are playing across my mind.

  ***

  I feel groggy. I hurt so bad. I can hear people talking, but they sound like I’m under water. I don’t know what’s wrong. I’ve never had a pain like this before. It feels like my insides are trying to come out.

  “Hey Doc, can you fix her? We can’t have her dead.” Why is the doctor here? Where is here? Why does Richard care? He’s been trying to kill me for over a year.

  “She really needs a hospital.” I groan and alert them that I’m aware. “Lizzy, can you hear me? I need you to talk to me.” I turn my head and see a clean shaven man. The clothes and doctor’s coat are clean and nice. He isn’t dirty looking like Richard or the others. He smiles a nice smile with beautiful teeth. I notice all these things before I try to answer. I nod my head as a cramp attacks me and I roll holding my belly.

  “Do you know when your last period was?” Is he stupid? How the hell would I know that? I don’t even know what month it is. I shake my head. I know better than to mouth off a snarky retort. I can hear them talking about removing something. They are talking about the amount of blood. Did Axel cut me again? I just want the pain to stop. I can feel my body being split into two halves. I need my safe place.

  “Someone is going to have to stay with her. She is going to be in pain for a few days. I’ll check on her again tonight.” That’s the doctor’s voice. Who is he talking too? I like being alone I don’t want anyone here.

  “Axel I’m blaming this shit on you. You babysit and leave her the fuck alone for a few days. Even you can’t be that sick of a bastard.” What is Richard blaming him for. It doesn’t surprise me that he caused me pain. I wait for the door to close and voices to quiet before I move. I know Axel will answer questions. He’s too stupid not to. I move my head when I hear the door. Axel is sitting with his magazine out and his pants open. He is always looking at naked women and playing with himself.

  “What’s wrong with me?”
My voice is weak and I don’t know if he heard me. I wait for what seems like hours before he looks at me.

  “Let’s just say you had something growing in you and the doctor took it out.” Oh My God! What the hell did they put in me?

  “Am I going to be okay? Is it going to grow back?” My mind is racing through all kinds of sick thoughts of what they could have done. Axel's laughter makes me pay attention.

  “Nope, never have to worry about it growing back or anything else growing in there either. Doc fixed that problem.” He doesn’t make sense. Maybe I can get the doctor to tell me when he comes back. “Now either go back to sleep and let me read or get up and let me play.” He laughs that sick laugh of his and I rollaway from him.

  ***

  “Elizabeth, are you okay? You're pale and crying.” I look up and see Doctor LaCombe watching me carefully with concern in her eyes. Is it a real memory or just a dream? How do I find out?

  “No, I’m not okay. I think I had a baby once.” Her gasp of surprise and the look of sorrow is too much. My world goes dark.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I have refused company all day today. I really shouldn’t have as I’m hungry and my little fridge is empty. I’m going to have to come out of my cave soon and see those that I have hurt. I have no clue how to explain to them what I've done. Maybe I am crazy. How do you apologize for something you didn't know you did? Why is it always me hurting those I want to love the most? After being brought round with smelling salts I begged Doctor LaCombe to leave. I needed time to think and I couldn’t do that with her watching my every move. She told me she would be back and I wonder if I can move before that happens. Yes, it’s a chicken shit thing to think, but there you have it. Deep down I’m chicken. Flat-out terrified of so many things. Number one on that list is being un-loved. The question floating in my head is, am I lovable? Do I deserve to be loved by anyone?

  Bam, Bam, Bam!

  The banging on my door has me jumping. Usually it is polite knocks and I just ignore it. This is not the kind you can ignore. I don’t say anything and wait to see if I will hear a voice. There are people talking, but I can’t hear what is being said. The banging continues and then silence. Maybe they gave up. I can only hope.

  The unmistakable sound of a skill saw has me standing at attention. They wouldn’t dare! Who do they think they are to try and force their way into my private rooms? I can’t think of anyone who has that kind of nerve. I watch as the blade of the saw cuts the door away from the lock. Someone has done this before. If I wasn’t so pissed about it, it might be funny. A small piece of door is still holding the lock in place as the rest of the door swings open. And I see who has the nerve.

  “Hello Jenni, welcome home.”

  “Hello? Welcome home? Is that all you have to say to me?” Damn she's pissed. I haven’t seen her this mad in years. “I’ve let you have your pity party, now it’s over. Let’s go. Get your shoes on.” I’m at a loss for words. I need to explain what's been going on while she was gone, but she needs to calm down and listen. “Now please.”

  I nod my head and turn to get my shoes as I feel she deserves to have her say. As I tie them up, I see Tiffi arrive at the door. Her smirk while looking at the door tells me she wishes she had thought of it. I watch as she hands Jenni a picnic basket and winks. “Thanks Doll. We won’t be gone long. Meet us for dinner later, okay?” I see Tiffi nod and they hug. All I can think is at least they have each other.

  As we walk out the doorway into the hall, I stumble in my steps. Wayne and Socket are leaning against the wall trying not to laugh. They have another door and a toolbox with them. Jenni may be pissed at me, but at least she thought ahead to have my door fixed. Wayne stands and walks to me. “Nice to see your face. We missed home and you.” He kisses my cheek and squeezes my hand before turning to the door. Socket gives me a nod and a wink before helping him get started.

  Jenni doesn’t say anything as we walk arm in arm to the backdoor of the Pen. Going outside, I notice it’s a beautiful day. I’ve missed the sun on my face. We slowly make our way to the pond. I haven’t been here since Match found me and took me for a ride on his bike. Seems like a lifetime ago. Can it really be only a week or two?

  I love this area. It’s calm and lets me feel like I can handle anything. As we get close to the water I see someone has placed a blanket and some cushions out for us. I cock an eyebrow at her to see if she's going to talk. “No sense being uncomfortable as we eat and talk.” Her small smile gives me some hope of a cordial conversation.

  Jenni busies herself pulling food containers out of the basket. We enjoy our lunch and I welcome it. My belly does too. Spending time with Jenni has always been something I enjoyed. The quiet of the pond is relaxing. Not to say she stays quiet.

  “Momma, I can honestly say I know you better than anyone and up until the guys came back, Tiffi and I were the ones to love you the most. Now you have a large group of people to show you love and affection in a lot of different ways. Even though you have these people to love you, you're missing love from the most important person. Yourself.” I drop my head in shame. She isn’t the first to say that. I’ve heard it in therapy before.

  “Momma don’t hide from me. We have no secrets. Just because we don’t discuss them doesn’t mean we don’t know each other’s biggest fears.”

  “Jenni, we have lots of things that we hide.” She cuts me off before I can say more.

  “No, Momma we don’t. I might have been a child, but I remember everything. I know what you tried to hide from me. I know what you protected me from. I think it’s time we talked about it.” Her voice is steady. She isn’t mad or upset. As I hear her words I cringe. My head is spinning. She knows. All this time I thought I protected her and I didn’t. I look into her eyes. I see sadness there. I’m responsible for that.

  “Oh baby, I’m so sorry. You were never meant to know such things.” I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to go into detail about what she does or doesn’t know in case I did shelter her from the worst.

  “Don’t apologize. You gave me a great life. I’m just sorry I didn’t make the teachers understand our home life earlier.” Her words have my head swimming.

  “What do you mean? I don’t understand what you’re saying. What teachers are you talking about?”

  “I told my teachers what Richard and Axel were doing to you. I told them what Axel wanted to do to me. With their help, I told the police about the drugs and the other stuff I saw.” I try to think back to remember if any of them looked at me different.

  “I am the one that caused him to go to jail, or so I thought. I know now they got him for tax evasion and not the abuse to you, but at least he was gone. I was so proud of myself making them go away.”

  I never knew she did that. “Don't you remember the police talking to you at the hospital? It was the only safe place for you to see them without anyone knowing.” I don’t remember that either. Why don’t I remember?

  “No I don’t remember that. I remember Axel coming to the house while we were outside on the swings. He is the one that told me Richard was in jail. He told me he wouldn’t get out for years. He asked me to let him claim me as his. That thought made me sick.” I feel a shudder run over my spine at the thought of him. “He told me since I was married to Richard, I couldn’t be touched by anyone. I was so happy that day and couldn’t show it in front of him. I also remember telling you Richard went to jail. You asked if I was going to leave you and I promised I would never leave you.”

  “Momma that was the day the social worker brought me back to you. I was gone for five weeks while you were in the hospital and Richard was arrested.” No that’s not possible. I would know if they took her away. I don’t remember that at all. “Momma, please forgive me. You need to remember.”

  I watch as she brings out a big envelope stuffed with papers. She hands it to me and my hands shake as I take it. I open it wider and pour the papers onto the blanket. There are court records and m
edical papers. There is a death certificate for a baby in it and I feel the tears falling onto my cheeks as the memories come flashing back. All the times I told Jenni to hide when I heard them coming down the road. The times I saw her watching from around the corner of the hall or from under the cupboards while I was tied to the table. I remember her crying in the hospital when they took her away. Worst of all I remember Axel, taking a coat hanger to me and dragging my insides out of me, making me lose my baby and any chance of having another. I didn’t want to be pregnant, but I didn’t want anyone to kill the baby either. I remember all those days. And I remember the other night. I placed Richard in that hallway and fought Greg. I let my mind replace the good with the evil.

  “I tried Jenni. I really tried to keep you safe. I failed you. I was just a kid trying to keep them away from you. Please forgive me.” I am choking on the tears and it feels like a boulder in my throat. I hide my face in my arms and fall to the blanket. If I had the strength I would get up and leave this place forever. Bringing them pain and heartache is not something I ever wanted to do. All I can do is try to breathe without throwing up. Please let the earth open up and swallow me down, then I feel Jenni wrap herself around me. As much as it hurts I welcome it. I need the connection of the familiar.

  “Momma, you did protect me, we survived together. They didn’t break us.” I hear her words and let them wash over me. She did survive. She is a well-adjusted adult with a happy life. She has a beautiful marriage with a man that respects her in all the ways he should. I should be celebrating that fact. I’m not though, I feel a deep regret for the things she saw and had to deal with.

  “Jenni, I feel broken. I feel like a failure. You shouldn’t have had to live that way. I was supposed to make it better.” I hiccup and try to slow my breathing, but my muscles are screaming and I need to move. It feels good in my heart to have her hold me, but it hurts physically. I push against her and attempt to sit up. She places her hands on my face and turns me to look at her. With a napkin she cleans my face like I did for her years ago. It makes me smile.