Mercy's Angels: Elizabeth

by Barbi Barnard

  “Momma, you’re my hero. I was brought into that life by people that had no business being parents. I was never physically or sexually abused by Richard or any man. I was a virgin when I met Wayne. The therapy we went to helped me to deal with what I watched you go through. I was a child with no one to turn to except you. You protected and shielded me the best you could. You were the only one to love me with no limits. You did a great job making me feel loved and secure. I didn’t know to tell Greg. Maybe if I did, we could have gotten out of there sooner.”

  “No, baby, I blamed him as much as I did Richard. If we are going to be honest, then we need to get it all out.” Her intake of breath made me squirm. I need to get this out quick before she jumps to conclusions. “Axel once told me that Greg was paid to bring me to the club.” I watch the sadness creep into her eyes.

  “I believed that for years, but I know now that it isn’t true. He never knew the truth until recently when I did a spectacular job of revealing those facts to him. Your brother would never hurt us, you or me.” I see relief flood her eyes and I feel better knowing she doesn’t blame him. I never want her to hold something against him, something he is innocent of. I never want her to have hard feelings for her family. “At one time I had a crush on Greg. I went willingly to the club with him, only planning to visit for a couple hours. As you know, that didn’t end well.”

  “I’ve spoken to Greg. He did hurt you. His worry got the better of him and he did yell at you and caused you to fall into the furniture. He feels guilty and it took a lot to get him back here.” I snap my eyes around looking for him. I feel like I am exposed to everyone’s ears. “We need to sit down together and talk. You both carry guilt you don’t deserve.” I agree with her that he is guilt-free, but me… not so much.

  “Yeah, baby, I remember that too. I called him Richard and begged him not to kill me in front of you. I think I had that flashback thing I hear people talking about.” Feelings of remorse and regret for hurting him make my heart hurt. “I really thought he was Richard and was pissed that I was late getting back. I wonder if he will talk to me. I want to ease his mind that he isn’t responsible for me falling.” I want him to let go of any guilt he has about anything to do with me. I am responsible for myself. No one made the decision for me, I chose to walk into that room that day. Jenni’s voice pulls me out of my head.

  “Momma, you’re not listening to me.” Her smirk lets me know she isn’t mad. She knows me well enough to know how I get lost in thought.

  “Sorry, baby, you were saying?”

  “I asked if you regretted me? I’m not looking for platitudes. I really need to know if you regret staying for me? We both know you could have had an easier life.”

  “No! Not one day have I ever regretted you. I didn’t like it some days. I hated most days, but I felt then and now, you were worth it all. And look where we are now. I loved you then and I love you now.” I look her straight in the eyes so she can see the truth. Having her in my life was worth it all.

  “I love you too. I don’t remember my birth mother and have no idea who she is. Just a name on a piece of paper. You are the only mother I ever had. I think you did a good job raising me. I guess I always had a fear that if you could choose to do it over again you would choose different.” Her words warm my heart. I could wish for the next twenty years that some things never happened, but I would never wish my time with Jenni away. We reach for each other and just hold on. To hell with painful muscles.

  “When I think back to those first few days after Richard went to jail, I remember our celebrations. Do you remember those? We had good times, too.” I smile for the first time in days and feel the muscles strain. I see her emotions as she remembers, also.

  “We danced in the dark. You locked all the doors and windows. Covered up all the entries with blankets and we danced. We had a party in the hall. I don’t think I truly believed it was real till then. I remember us being happy that day.” Her smile is bright. Knowing we made it through and were safe was so freeing. She was so animated that day. Happy with no worries for the first time that I had ever seen. I hadn’t thought of that day in forever. That was the day I knew I had the courage to make us a better life. I started planning our way out that week.

  Maybe it was wrong using stolen money, maybe I shouldn’t have. Nope, I don’t regret that either. I gave us a future and a little pay back with it. I never thought of what happened to the men in the club. I didn’t care. After the club sat empty for a year is when I thought of making the move. Charlie and Wayne gave me all the help I needed to have my own business. I look across the pond and see the Pen in the distance. “Jenni, do you remember the first day we came back to the Pen? How dirty and disgusting it was?” I thought it should have been burnt down and rebuilt. “I’m so glad we fixed it up.”

  “Momma, I wouldn’t have Wayne if we had stayed away. So yes, I remember and was happy to live there.” Flashes of her skating and running around the big rooms make me smile. She became a confident woman right along with me in that building. It took two years of classes before I was ready to open the doors and try to be a business woman. While both of us were learning in class, others were cleaning and building for us. I need to remember to thank Wayne. I know I did at the time, but he saved us as much as we saved him.

  I snort at the thought of how we might not have gotten by if it weren’t for all the money Richard had me hide all over town. I had no concept of managing money and no job skills except a short stint in a laundry mat. That thought makes me laugh and once I start I can’t stop. Jenni gives me a strange look then joins in with me. Rolling on the fresh grass and laughing is the best medicine. I needed this. I needed Jenni to put it all out in the open and let me know it was appreciated. I needed to visit those memories for peace of mind. I think now I can deal with the rest with some help from Doctor LaCombe. I think it’s time I deal with my past, honestly and clearly. With my family beside me, I know I can deal with anything.

  ***

  We sit for hours talking about her trip. I laughed so hard when she mentioned wearing a leash. I am so glad she had a good time. I was jealous about the helicopter flight. That is something I might like. The guy with the tattoos and the piercings keeping tampons in his pockets sounds a bit strange. She said she didn’t know why and was a bit too intimidated by him to ask.

  I was so happy to hear that she met people who ride that embraced the family values that she never had. I was also surprised when she said she made friends with a woman that had been at her father’s club. I had to ask her for the full story on that one. She mentioned a couple other names more than once and my curiosity about them was heightened. I think I would like to know more about this Danny and Cloud. There is a twinkle in her eye when she says their names. Hearing how impressed she was with their treatment of the women and children, made me wish I could have gone with her. It sounds like something you read in a book. Paradise.

  As the sun starts to go behind the trees we notice the hour and gather up our mess. We leave the basket with the blankets and pillows, she will get them later tonight. Right now we need to head to her house for a family dinner. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I hope the elastic in these old panties hold out another day. I have some apologies to make. I need to face my fears and not blame others.

  Coming into the yard we see Wayne at the grill telling Tiffi about the man with the tampons. He must have been larger than life to make an impression on both of them. Seeing tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks brings a smile to my lips. She is a beauty when she lets loose with her laughter. Nick and Greg walk out the patio door with a tray of meat and a bucket of beers.

  I quickly notice that Greg avoids eye contact and I know I need to fix this because it could be a problem soon. We hurry our steps and Jenni goes straight to Wayne’s open arms. I’m so glad she has that. I want the same for Tiffi also.

  I walk right up to Greg and place my hands on his chest. When he looks down at me I smile and pull
on his shirt. As he bends to me, I kiss his cheek and tell him I am so glad to see him. He doesn’t respond right away and my feelings of insecurity wash over me, but as I pull back from him, his hand on my back stops me. He pulls me closer and I get the hug I was after. Looking up at him I see a slight smile trying to hide in the corner of his mouth. I can work with this. I instantly relax into his arms and feel at ease. We can talk later in private.

  Dinner is spent hearing more about the trip and the people they met. Jenni has gifts for Tiffi and me, some of the t-shirts are outrageous. Tiffi might wear them in public, but I doubt I would. I think she found the dirtiest sayings possible for me. She found one of moose, you know the animal, in many different sexual positions spelling out the name of a town. What kind of people are on that town council? What a way to advertise.

  The other little trinkets are more my style. I love the purse and the new key chain. She promised to upload the pictures to our online photo album so we can all enjoy them. I look forward to that. I look around and see a small frown line on Greg’s face.

  “Greg is something wrong?”

  “I have never seen an online album. I didn’t know there was one.” I can see where he might be feeling left out of his sisters and daughter’s life.

  “If you have time I can show it to you and give you the information you will need to access it anytime you want. It is loaded with pictures of Jenni and Tiffi growing up and other things that have happened through the years.”

  “I would really like that. Thank you, Elizabeth. I feel like I missed so much sometimes.”

  His words bring a gasp from the girls. “I’m so sorry you have those feelings. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out. Let’s go back to the Pen and hook the computer to the big screen. We can look through it together and make you a personal copy of everything you want.”

  I watch as both Jenni and Tiffi hug and kiss him. Tiffi talks quietly with him and I see his features relax into his usual smile, so I know he's good. I get my hugs and kisses from the girls and Wayne waiting for Greg to do the same. Maybe we can have a talk also.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I think of all the things I need to explain to Greg as we make our way back to the Pen. For so long, I blamed him for bringing me to the club in the first place. I may never have said it to his face till a few weeks ago and I may never have let on just how much it hurt to think he got paid for it, but it did. My misplaced anger is wrong and he deserves better. I also owe him an apology for fighting him in the hallway. Calling him Richard hurt him in a way I don’t think others would understand.

  Greg holds the doors for me as we make it to the Pen and down the halls to my rooms. I notice he leaves the door open as I get my computer and the cord to hook it to the TV. Maybe he would feel more comfortable in the other room.

  “Do you want this on the big screen in the lounge? It has a great HD viewer.”

  “Yeah if that’s okay with you. I’m just really happy to see things you have pictures of that I don’t know about.” That statement kind of breaks my heart. I should have given him copies of pictures long ago. I never thought about it.

  Two hours later and we have finally come to the end of the slide show. He made copies of the ones he wanted and burnt them to a CD. He asked me a ton of questions for the stories behind some and he looked so sad while he looked at others. I don’t have any of Tiffi before she came here. He will have to ask her for those because she keeps them in her rooms. I see him choke up and know he regrets not being there for things. I can’t help him with that.

  “Greg, you okay?”

  “Yeah. I missed a lot. I missed a lot with both girls. Jenni is my fault. Pride kept me away. I have no excuse there. I just wish I knew about Tiffi sooner.”

  “There was no information on the birth certificate. No father was listed at all and I had no idea who her mother was or why she was asking me to take her in her will. I’m glad I did. She was a great girl and growing into a beautiful woman.” I see him thinking things over and I close up the computer and disconnect from the TV. It’s time to talk to him.

  “Greg, I had a heart to heart with Jenni today. I found out she wasn’t sheltered from the past like I thought.” I see him turn and concern is on his face.”

  “What did they do to her?” His tone in his voice could scare the hell out of people.

  “Oh no. No, that isn’t what I meant. She said no one ever touched her. She just said she knew what they did to me and wanted to do to her. She told me today she reported them to her teachers.” His relief is evident as he sinks onto the couch. “Until she was older, she thought she caused him to go to jail.”

  “That’s a brave thing for a kid to do. She gets that from you.” His words surprise me. Why would he think that? I’m not brave. I just put on a good front. “You know I told you that I made Richard and Axel admit everything. I read those letters, I wanted to understand you better. It was wrong of me, I invaded your privacy and I shouldn’t have.” I just stand there. I have no way of knowing how he feels now. Maybe he wants to leave and take the girls with him. Tiffi would go for sure. I don’t know about Jenni. He won’t want them near me now that he knows everything.

  “What has that sorrowful look on your pretty face?” I want to ask if he’s taking them away but I’m afraid of the answer.

  “When are you leaving?”

  “You kicking me out? I’m sorry I read them. I really wish I hadn’t.”

  “So you’re not leaving?” I’m so confused. I feel like half the conversation is missing.

  “Do you need me to leave to be happy?

  “God No! Are we having the same conversation?” His perplexed look makes me think we need to back up and try this again.

  “Greg, do you want to leave and take the girls away from me now that you know everything?” My heart is racing, waiting for his answer. It will break my heart if he does. I can understand him wanting them away from me. My past is ugly and sordid, not something you bring around people you love.

  “Elizabeth.” He walks across the room and takes my hand. I can’t stop shaking and he notices, rubbing his thumb across my palms to soothe me. “I will never hurt those girls. If I asked them to turn their backs on you it would hurt them and they may just kill me.” His lighthearted tone is supposed to relax me, but it doesn’t.

  “But you know the truth.” Doesn’t knowing the truth make him sick? Doesn’t he think I’m disgusting?

  “Yeah I do. I know what you did to keep a five-year-old safe. For over two years you took abuse and suffered horrible injuries to your body to keep it from happening to a little girl. I don’t think you understand just how much that means to me.”

  My head is swimming and I still don’t know if I get it. “So you don’t think I’m a horrible person?”

  “Hell no! I think you deserve Sainthood for what you did. I think, you believe you’re a bad person and you’re wrong.” It takes a few seconds for his words to register. He doesn’t hate me. He is okay with my past. He isn’t taking my girls away. Tears fall and I can’t stop them. His arms go around me and I cling to him. The hiccups start and I feel his chest move with the laughter.

  “Is this a private party or can I join too?” Hearing Kenneth’s voice I rush to clean my face. I probably look like a raccoon now. I know he worries about everyone and I don’t want to give him any chance to worry over me.

  “Come on in, Match. We are just clearing up a misunderstanding. Everything is good.” I do the best I can to fix my face and turn to face the guys. I plaster a fake smile and try to pull it off.

  “Doll, you okay? Do I need to kill someone?” I laugh at his comment because it shows he cares. I think it’s sweet. Criminal, but sweet.

  “No, but thank you for the offer.” Laughing feels good it makes my heart lighter.

  “Still think that’s a beautiful sound.” Cue the blushing. Kenneth has a way of making me feel shy. “Are you feeling better?” I really don’t know how to answer that. I guess
simply would be best.

  “Yes, I’m feeling much better. Both physically and mentally.” I see his eyebrow raise and he slides his eyes to Greg. I figure they will talk about me later and there is nothing I can do about it so I let it go. I don’t think they really keep secrets, but I have to trust they don’t gossip. I may have come to terms with things but I don’t think I want a billboard advertising my life.

  “That’s really nice to hear. I came in to see if you wanted to watch a movie. The weather has turned, so I can’t offer a star-lit ride.”

  “A movie sounds good. How about I get some snacks and you two pick one.” With their agreement, I rush to the kitchen and grab what we need. I notice I am smiling and it truly feels good.

  ***

  As my eyes open, I look around and still. This isn’t my bed, or my room. Where the hell am I and how did I get here? Pulling the sheet up I see I'm wearing a t-shirt that isn’t mine and my panties are on. At least that’s something. No chains, cuffs or ropes, so I’m free to leave. Thinking back to last night, I remember watching the movies with Match and Greg. Did I fall asleep and one of them put me to bed? Why here? I have my own rooms; they know where they are. I know by the design of the room I’m at the Pen, but not whose room I am in. The navy blue comforter and curtains look manly so I can safely say it’s one or the other of them. The room itself is tidy and clean. Very clean. There's nothing left out to tell me anything, not even on the dresser or night stand. I refuse to snoop, it’s rude and invasive. Shit. Guess it’s time for the walk of shame, just no shame this time, I guess. Maybe. I don’t know.

  After finding my clothes and quickly washing my face, I start to straighten the bed as I hear a key in the door. Now what? No place to hide and these poor panties elastic isn’t going to hold for long. Mental note: Buy more panties!