by Carrie Stone
Whichever way I look at it, my feelings on the matter are very clear cut. For me, there’s a big black hole where my friendship with Tilly once was and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get past that. I can’t help but feel very differently towards her. The Tilly I know and care for is the one from pre-incident. She’s never coming back. This Tilly now, well, she isn’t one I want closely in my life – I don’t completely trust her.
I make the decision not to elaborate in my reply to her. There’s no point being over friendly or trying to pick up where we left off. It’s time to let her know that whilst I’ve let the incident go, there’s no sisterly friendship anymore and reluctantly, I can’t see that there ever will be again.
‘Yes in Bali – it’s wonderful. I’ve no clue about Spencer visiting. We are over. Take Care.’
I send the message tinged with sadness but know it’s for the best. I know Tilly and am sure that she’ll understand the tone of my message.
‘Asian pear salad?’ The waiter interrupts my thoughts and sets down a magnificent, colourful salad bowl in front of me.
I pick up my fork and glance at the window, watching as a local Balinese family of three drive past on a scooter that’s seen better days, the man sitting at the front and a woman with a baby attached to her chest behind. For all the westernised parts of this island, there is a distinct air of poverty too. It’s evident when I walk past random locals fishing in the filthy, plastic-ridden river near my apartment or the half-finished building site where workers live in a makeshift camp, consisting of basic huts with tin roofs. I was told by Dewi they earn just a few pounds per day for their labour. Despite all of this, everywhere I go the majority of people are happy, peaceful and welcoming. They clearly have little in life but still find time to offer up that little to their deities and pray for the wellbeing of others.
Hearing from Tilly makes me think of my experience in Bermuda; of her, of Spencer, Jools and some of the others I met with frivolous habits and ways. As much as I don’t blame them for enjoying that lifestyle and working hard to achieve it, it seems somewhat shallow to continuously be chasing money when they already have so much.
Essentially, I left London to find something ‘more’, a better quality of life and a better way of living and to a degree, I had thought money would be the answer to that. Yet in Bermuda, although I was earning more money, I was simply spending more – possibly due to being in an environment which encouraged that behaviour. And yes, it’s easy to think that being able to afford a boat or a nicer car, house, drinks and stuff will bring more happiness – but I’m certain now that those sorts of things will never truly fulfil me. It’s obvious that my ignited love of travelling has been a mechanism to help me discover my real desires. And they weren’t necessarily the things I had assumed they would be.
Being here and experiencing a more basic way of life is proving that money doesn’t always mean happiness. I’ve realised in the past couple of weeks that most of my happiness since leaving the UK has come from feeling more peaceful in myself as a result of my volunteering; it’s been through the freedom of being able to travel and have experiences I’d thought were out of my reach. But mostly, by letting life unfold naturally and not trying to control it so much.
Reflecting on the last eight months, I understand the most important lesson I’ve learned so far, one that I always thought was airy-fairy but has proved to be true of late. If I just follow my heart, not my head, it’ll always lead me to where I’m supposed to be. And right now, Bali is most definitely the right place.
Chapter 17
‘Morning.’ On my fourth knock, Luuk finally answers the staff door, a brown and white puppy in one hand and a baby’s bottle in the other. ‘Sorry I was out back feeding this one. Come through.’
I follow him through to the area that now feels familiar, surprised to see a few of the dogs in cages are more active and vocal than yesterday.
‘Wow! Loads of noise today.’ I jump as a large black dog appears next to me from nowhere, muzzling my hand with its bare teeth.
‘That’s treacle. She’s harmless – she wants to play.’ Laughing, Luuk shoos her gently away and walks outside to a backyard, passing me the puppy and bottle. ‘Here, hold this one for a sec. It’s always the way in the morning, all the dogs want their food and a stroke.’
We walk into the shaded yard and I’m awed by the number of dogs in cages. It’s clear they’re well looked after here, and the facilities are spacious, clean and comfortable but it’s so disheartening to see the great number of them without a home and family to call their own.
Luuk points to the kennels. ‘These are all the ones ready for fostering or adoption. There are over a hundred at the moment. That’s without the ones inside.’ I see the sadness in his tone matches his expression.
I suddenly feel a warm trickle of something against my hand and instantly realise the puppy has peed on me. ‘Oh dear.’ I hold the little one away from me until the dripping stops and barely have a chance to look for a tissue before Luuk appears with a roll of paper towel and a green volunteer T-shirt.
‘It’s a good job I put these aside for you. Think you’ll be needing them.’ We both laugh and I’m grateful as he takes the pup and points to the washroom.
By the time I’ve changed and reappear, Luuk is sweeping the backyard with various dogs chasing the broom.
He looks up and smiles. ‘Green is your colour. You’ve got good taste in clothes.’
My laughter is short-lived when he chucks me the broom and tells me to take over whilst he mixes up the dog feed. I watch as he jogs off with a cheeky grin, a wink of his eye and a mumbled, ‘Good luck buddy’ and quickly realise it’s no easy feat sweeping the twenty odd outdoor kennels with a bunch of dogs thinking it’s a game.
A couple of hours later, with the kennels hosed and cleaned, the dogs fed and the sick ones attended to, we finally take a break. I’m exhausted but thoroughly content as I join Luuk in the kitchenette and watch him prepare us an instant coffee.
‘Having fun?’ He passes me a steaming mug and I take it gratefully.
‘Yes, it’s a bit more full-on than perhaps I was expecting. I’m exhausted.’ Laughing, I take a sip of my drink and sit down on a nearby chair.
‘Every day is different but you’re in at the deep end today because Tuesdays are always busy due to everyone being out on the neutering run.’
We spend the next twenty minutes chatting and I learn that he’s spent the last decade travelling the world over for his work, has been published countless times, volunteered endlessly for various causes, speaks five languages and originally comes from Rotterdam. I also learn that his bleached highlights are the handiwork of his hairdresser sister. I feel positively boring and unadventurous in comparison when I tell him that I’ve only recently made the transition to live and work abroad but he doesn’t seem to judge.
We spend another hour attending to the dogs with Luuk bringing me up to speed with how everything functions before I realise it’s already time to head home.
‘What are you up to this weekend?’ he asks, as I make my way back from the loo, having changed back into my own top. ‘I’m heading for some surf at Echo Beach if you fancy joining me and my friends. Carly, the other volunteer you met, is coming too so you’ll be in good company.’
Flattered, I consider his offer for a moment and find myself agreeing, even though I can’t surf. ‘Yeah great, if you don’t mind. I’ll have to find out where Echo Beach is too.’ I suddenly wonder if I’m about to make an absolute tit of myself in front of my new colleagues and feel myself wavering.
‘Be great to have you there. Echo Beach is famous, you’ll find it easily.’ He watches as I pick up my bag and keys from behind the staff storage counter. ‘Do you surf? I can teach you if not.’
‘Would you?’ I say, relieved and notice that he gives me a knowing glance. ‘I’ve never tried…’
‘Don’t worry, I had a feeling you weren’t a surfer.’ He shrug
s as if it’s a dead given. ‘The fact you don’t know where Echo Beach is sort of gave it away.’ He chuckles and I feel myself smile.
We make plans to meet the following morning and by the time I arrive home almost an hour later than planned, I realise I’m excited about trying my hand at some surfing. My tutoring sessions keep me busy into the late evening and it’s only when I finish up with my last student that I notice an email in my inbox.
Bermuda International School? What could they want? Intrigued, I quickly open the email and am stunned to see it’s from Jerome unofficially inviting me to apply for my old role now that I’m outside of Bermuda. He signs off saying that he hopes that I’m enjoying Bali and would be delighted if I decided to apply and looks forward to seeing me return. It takes me a few minutes to work out that it must have been Shanice that has whispered into his ear – especially as I’d only caught up with her via email last week.
I re-read the email one last time and can’t help but feel honoured. It’s well known that Jerome is a hard taskmaster and to receive something so encouraging from him is flattering for my career ego, to say the least. Still, it doesn’t detract from the fact that I have no intention of returning to Bermuda.
On the face of things, it may seem ludicrous to turn down an extremely well-paid teaching job in a fantastic school and location, especially as I’m currently unemployed with no real sense of where to go next. Yet, however outwardly foolish it may seem, I’m confident it’s the right decision.
If anything, being here in Bali is re-affirming just how much I’m thriving in an environment that feeds my soul in unexpected ways – like my desire to do things such as the sunrise trek up Ganung Batur, in aid of charity.
Unshakeable in my decision, I bite the bullet and waste no time in replying to him, explaining why I won’t be taking up his offer.
Feeling more empowered than ever, I fall asleep looking forward to tomorrow’s surf lesson.
*
‘Yo, how’s it going?’ Luuk walks across the sand barefoot and for a second I’m taken aback – despite not being tall, without his T-shirt his body is far more toned and muscular than I had realised. His hair is tied into a man bun – something I’ve always despised, and yet on him, it works. He looks like a surfer who has just walked off an Asian catwalk. ‘You’re looking the part already. I’m impressed.’ He eyes my black Roxy long-sleeved rash guard and I feel myself blush.
‘Wiwik, the owner of my guesthouse lent it to me. I didn’t know about the chaffing thing until she mentioned it.’ I grin as he nods.
‘Ah OK, good on Wiwik. You’ll need it if we’re going to give this a proper go.’ He glances across at the water, which at first sight looks quite calm. I notice there’s already a handful of people much further out, on their boards ready and waiting.
‘It’s quite flat out there, isn’t it?’ No sooner have the words left my mouth when a large wave moves closer, breaking furiously on the water’s surface. ‘Oh.’
Laughing, Luuk pats my shoulder. ‘No worries, we’re heading further down that end. It’s less choppy over there. And less sea cows.’ He winks and I feel my stomach drop.
‘Sea cows? Really?’ I follow him across the sand, wondering why no one has warned me about sea cows before. My fear is primarily sharks, though I know it’s rare, but now I’ve got what I assume is some kind of manatee to contend with too. I won’t last five minutes at this rate.
‘Chill. I’m joking. There’s unlikely to be many here – the dugong are mostly spotted in Bukit. We’ll save that for another day.’ He’s beaming at me and I can’t help but smile back; his grin is infectious. Up ahead I spot someone waving to us.
‘There’s my man, Pete, with our boards.’ He picks up pace and it’s not long before we’ve joined Pete, a local. I listen as the pair of them chat in Bahasa, impressed that Luuk sounds so fluent. Before I know it, Luuk is shaking hands with Pete and as I say my goodbyes to him, we’re left alone on the sand – my huge longboard between us.
‘You ready for this?’ Luuk asks, a twinkle in his eye that has me wondering why he’s so excited. I secretly want to run away, the fear of entering the choppy water rendering me almost motionless. Instead, I put on my game face and nod with a much more convincing ‘Yes’ than I feel.
Over an hour later, I’m totally spent. My body aches in places I didn’t know were possible. I’m sore, battered and bruised and I’ve also never experienced feeling so undesirable in front of a man before. Why on earth did no one warn me that so much water would be washing up my nostrils, that I’d permanently be dripping snot from my face? Despite everything, I feel exhilarated.
Luuk must have pushed my board to catch a wave at least twenty times and finally, on my second to last go, I’d managed to pop up into a regular stance like he’d spent time teaching me on the sand. The standing and riding the wave had only lasted maybe three seconds, before I’d lost my balance and toppled but the thrill of it was breath-taking. Enough to know that I definitely want to do it again.
‘That was amazing!’ We stop paddling as we approach the shore and slide off our boards back into the sea. I copy Luuk as he pulls on his leash and then props his board under one arm and walks ashore. It’s a struggle as my board is so large but I manage it well enough.
He flops down onto the sand and unties his messy bun. ‘You did really well for a first timer.’ I untie my leash and join him, welcoming the hot sunshine as it instantly dries my body.
‘Thanks to you. I learnt so much today.’ I pull off my Roxy rash guard and shake out my hair. ‘When are we doing it again?’ Laughing, I dust sand from my knees and glance at him, surprised to see his eyes on my stomach.
‘Whenever you would like to.’ He catches me watching him and smiles. ‘I had a lot of fun teaching you. It’s been a while since I taught anyone to surf’
We lock eyes and I study his face for a brief moment. His unblemished skin has darkened during the course of the morning, making the whites of his large almond shape eyes pop. His bow-shaped lips, tinted like a pink rose, are in stark constant to the dark black stubble around them. He’s attractive in a unique way. Weirdly compelled to keep staring into his emerald-pooled gaze, I’m grateful when he suddenly glances away.
‘I guess we’d better head back up and meet the others.’ He stands and waits for me to answer, distracting himself by dusting off sand from his legs.
‘Yes, OK.’ Strangely, I feel a bit deflated. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it wasn’t to head back just yet.
We walk up to where the others are just out of the water and Luuk introduces me. I’m pleased to see Carly again, who instantly seems to want to chat.
‘Woah, I’m parched. Shall we grab a Bintang?’ She says, pointing at the beach bar nearby. ‘Luuk, Frosty, Santi?’
The boys nod and we make our way to the bar, choosing a spot under a shade that looks out onto the beach. The relaxed, easy flowing conversation makes it hard to keep an eye on the time and with nowhere to be, I find myself caught up in the company and the moment, laughing along with Carly, Luuk and the others. It’s not long before one drink turns into a long lunch and the afternoon passes us by. Relocating to loungers, I watch as the boys head off for another surf – or more specifically, I watch Luuk, who despite the fact I’m only just getting to know him, feels like an old friend.
‘Luuk’s great, huh?’ Carly says, turning to me on her lounger and putting down the mobile she’s been playing games on for the past twenty minutes.
‘He’s a good guy. It was nice of him to invite me along today.’ I tread carefully, wondering where she’s going with the conversation.
‘He’s single, you know.’ She props herself up on one elbow and pulls down her sunglasses, staring directly at me. ‘In case you were wondering.’
I laugh lightly and she must catch my hesitation because before I can say anything, she pops her glasses back up and leans back. ‘Ah … that guy in Bermuda that you mentioned…’
‘Yes
, Spencer. Things didn’t end very well between us and truthfully, I’m not really in the market for any type of relationship right now…’ I cast my mind back to what I’d said earlier in reference to him and realise I hadn’t probably made things clear.
‘Ohh. Sorry, my bad. I just assumed you were looking. It’s a shame though because Luuk’s a good catch, and he seems to like you too.’
‘Do you think?’ Intrigued, I find myself sitting up a little, interested to know more. ‘I thought he was just being friendly. He hasn’t flirted at all.’
Amused, Carly raises an eyebrow before carrying on with her mobile game. ‘That’s not his style, he’s quite reserved with the ladies. I just assumed he was into you because he doesn’t spend one on one time with women unless he’s dating them. Anyway, you’re not looking for love so best we forget the subject.’ She looks at me pointedly as if waiting for me to challenge it. ‘Speaking of which, will you be hanging out here in Bali for a while then?’
I nod. ‘I’m not certain how long I’ll be staying, but for now it seems to be a great place to spend some time.’ A thought occurs to me and I decide to change the drift of conversation, not wanting to get too deep into the details of my life plans. ‘Actually whilst I’m here, I’m thinking of doing the sunrise Batur hike. I’m hoping to raise some cash for BDR.’
She looks at me with one raised eyebrow, obviously impressed. ‘That’s a cool idea. Belinda will be thrilled when she hears – she loves anyone doing things to help the charity.’ She stops talking for a moment and sips from her bottle of water. ‘I did the Batur trek about a year ago, it’s not too hard. Took me five hours to get up and down again. The view at the top is amazing, it’s definitely worth it.’