Passport to Happiness

by Carrie Stone

  ‘Anyway, party time is over – work mode now.’ Without waiting for me to respond, he pushes back his chair and abruptly turns, flagging a waiter and signalling for the bill.

  Disillusioned but not wanting to show it, I retrieve my bag and purse, desperately trying to think of something to say. Instead, I reach down and pick up Panda, nuzzling him for a cuddle as Luuk disappears to the loo. I take a moment to process what has just happened and anxiously wonder if I’ve lost my head. I feel extremely flustered and caught off-guard by the sudden breakthrough in my emotions. Why didn’t that comment just pass over me as it once would have done? I focus my attention on Panda and try to calm my nerves.

  By the time Luuk returns, he’s already paid the bill and I pass him Panda, smiling.

  ‘How’s the turtle conservation programme going by the way? Any more news yet from my mate Bjorn?’ he asks casually, breaking the wired frisson passing between us.

  ‘Not yet. I visited the centre again and it was wonderful – he’s going to let me know which mornings they’ll need help.’ I brush a curl from my face as I readjust my sunglasses. ‘If I’m not careful, I’m going to be busier with volunteering than my own tutoring.’ I force a laugh and feel my face flush, aware I’m suddenly self-conscious in his company.

  ‘Not a bad life,’ Luuk jokes, jangling his scooter key. ‘Anyway, I have to dash. I probably won’t see you until I return.’ He pulls on his helmet, swinging a leg over his bike and then places Panda by his feet. ‘We’ll catch up when I’m back, yeah?’

  ‘Sure.’ I watch as he starts the engine and slowly walks the bike backwards into the oncoming traffic. ‘Have fun in Lombok with Indah.’ Of course I don’t want him to have fun but what else can I say?

  ‘I’ll try.’

  He winks and gives me one last dazzling smile before revving off into the sea of scooters that surrounds him. I watch him for a moment, tracing his distinctive outline until he fades from my view and a bittersweet sadness sweeps over me. For the first time, I can honestly say that I feel strong stirrings of emotion for him. There’s an overwhelming feeling of comfort that comes when I’m with Luuk. Until now, I hadn’t quite realised just how familiar he’s become to me. When I’m around him I feel so at peace and truly able to be myself. I realise that I could happily spend every moment beside him and feel content. Could it be that I’m falling in love with him?

  ‘Is that what this is?’ I say aloud to myself, feeling rattled at the acknowledgement.

  Feeling jittery at the prospect of what this could potentially mean, I resolve to push all thoughts of Luuk aside for the next days and instead concentrate on deciding if Bali is my future home.

  If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that if something isn’t broken, don’t try to fix it. And right now, my life is most definitely not broken. In fact, it’s more fixed than it’s ever been. So, on that basis, why on earth would I even contemplate leaving for something new?

  Chapter 20

  ‘OK, see you next week.’ I call out happily, watching as Christian waves goodbye. Dropping my hand, I dry my hair lightly with my sarong before turning back to the sand. The beach is unusually quiet today, save for a few tourists and yet it made for a fantastic morning of surfing. With the waves moderate and gentle, I was able to perfect my new ‘pop up’ technique – the result being a drastic improvement in my stance and a lot of unaccustomed praise from my tutor, Christian.

  Peeling off my rash guard, I bend down and spread my sarong on the sand, delighting in the chance to while away some time sunbathing. It’s the first opportunity I’ve had of a full ‘free’ day in over a fortnight and I fully intend to totally switch off and make the most of it. Starting with a dose of sunshine Vitamin D.

  I’ve barely been relaxing for five minutes when my mobile rings and, irritated at the interruption, I hastily sit up, searching in my bag for the culprit. A number I don’t recognise flashes across the screen and my stomach flips, wondering if it could be someone from my new tutoring company.

  ‘Hello?’ I answer, trying to sound more upbeat and receptive than I feel at the disruption in my leisure time.

  ‘Hey Everly, It’s me…’ The familiar voice makes my heart leap into my throat. ‘Guess where I am?’

  ‘Spencer?’ My voice is barely a whisper and I feel a heavy leaden dread wash over me. Guess where he is? In a split second I glance back at the number he’s calling from and the realisation hits me like a slap to the face. Oh goodness, please no. He can’t be…

  ‘I’m here in Bali. I just arrived,’ he continues, confirming my fear. ‘I know you said you needed time…’ He pauses as I try to gather my thoughts, unable to believe what I’m hearing. ‘But I’m hoping you’re ready to talk now and properly discuss everything.’

  ‘Why did you come here, Spencer?’ I mutter, wondering what planet he’s living on. How can he even think there’s still things to discuss?

  ‘Please Everly, just hear me out,’ he pleads, sounding sincere and for a moment I feel my resolve weaken. ‘I know I messed up. I know you’re angry at me. But I don’t want to lose you for good without at least giving it one final shot. So that’s why I’m here. To see if there’s anything I can do in person that’ll make you change your mind.’

  The silence hangs between us and I struggle for something to say, wanting to tell him that I’m not interested in anything he has to say, let alone giving him another chance. But I know that would be childish and heartless.

  He carries on, sounding more desperate this time, when he sees how unresponsive I am.

  ‘If nothing else, then at least give me the chance to apologise in person to you. Can I at least have that?’

  ‘Spencer, I really don’t think there’s much to discuss…’ I begin, trying to sound gracious, even though I don’t particularly feel that way.

  He interrupts me.

  ‘Please Everly, don’t just shut me down. I’m really trying here. I’ve made the effort to come all the way here in the hope you’d be open to trying too. But obviously that’s not going to be the case…’ He sounds crestfallen and I suddenly feel a little guilty. ‘What if we just meet up as friends and catch up. Will you do that for me?’

  Trying not to sigh in despair, I internally battle with my thoughts. Ideally, I would choose never seeing him again and certainly not give him any chance to try and worm his way back in. Yet, I know if I truly want him gone from my energy then I need to do this. I need to prove to him I’ve moved on. That we are truly over.

  ‘I’ve got a week here and I could really do with someone giving me a few touristy tips, at the very least,’ he jokes, filling the stillness between us.

  I swallow back foreboding, hoping I’m not about to regret my words. ‘OK Spence, look, we can meet up but it’s more for old times’ sake.’

  ‘Great. That’s all I was hoping for. Just a chance to see you again. Are you free today?’

  I hesitate, wanting to say no but knowing that it’s better to get this situation over with. ‘Yes, I’m free. I can meet you in a couple of hours?’

  ‘Cool. That’d work nicely.’

  For him perhaps. Not so much for me. I discover he’s only just landed and still at the airport about to have some food, so I agree to meet him there and bring him back to Seminyak, where he’s supposedly intending to stay.

  We hang up and I reluctantly pack up my sarong and beach garb, conscious that I’ve not much time to get home and change.

  If there’s one thing I am certain of, it’s that I want to at least look nice before coming face to face with the man that was once going to be a part of my future.

  *

  ‘Spencer.’ Despite my loudest effort, my voice is drowned out in a sea of bartering taxi drivers. I wave frantically as I see him looking around, scanning the crowd and then he spots me, his face breaking into a bright, but tired smile. His eyes are lit up like sparklers as he strides towards me, suitcase in hand and I feel melancholy overwhelm me. I’d been so anxious of thi
s meeting all the way here, most especially at the initial moment of seeing him. I couldn’t help but wonder if any feelings would arise, in person. But thankfully, aside from the nostalgia and wistful feeling of what once was, I’ve no doubt that I’m truly over him for I don’t feel any of the passion or butterflies that I once did.

  He reaches me and I awkwardly smile at him, watching as he searches my face for some hint of emotion. I find myself edgy as he stands close to me – far closer than I was expecting. At the same moment, someone stumbles past us, their holdall catching me in the ribs.

  ‘Ouch.’ I step back and rub my side, frowning but secretly grateful for the distraction.

  ‘Wow, you look amazing,’ Spencer says, his gaze studying me. ‘It’s really good to see you. I can’t tell you how good.’ His eyes don’t leave my face as he waits for a reaction. I remain strangely calm, despite my heart beating faster with the anxiety of the unexpected encounter.

  ‘It must be the Bali lifestyle,’ I joke lightly, looking over my shoulder towards the exit. ‘Anyway we should go, my driver Matt is waiting for us and it’s best to avoid the rush hour.’

  ‘You have a driver?’ He raises an eyebrow and smirks but I dismiss him with the wave of a hand.

  ‘It’s the done thing here, unless you want to tempt fate on the crazy roads.’ I lead him to Matt who is waiting outside and it’s not long before we’re settled onto the backseat of the air-conditioned people carrier.

  ‘So, this is Bali?’ Spencer says, peering at the passing scenery. ‘Not what I was expecting.’

  ‘Well, things aren’t always as we expect,’ I reply pointedly, noticing he has the good grace to look away, shame-faced. I take the chance to discreetly study his profile and I’m pleased to discover he no longer gives me tingling feelings all over. It’s clear now that any feelings I thought I had must have died away since coming to Bali.

  ‘That’s pretty awesome,’ he says suddenly, pointing to a passing statue and for a split second, a wave of pensive energy hangs between us as we lock eyes.

  ‘So, I wasn’t sure where you’re going to be staying?’ I say, breaking the weird melancholic tension. ‘It might be easier for Matt to drop us there and we can have a drink in the hotel restaurant or something?’

  ‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance of staying at yours then?’ Despite his jokey tone, I can tell by his eyes he’s hopeful there might be a small possibility.

  ‘Er no, Spencer.’

  ‘In that case, can you recommend a hotel?’

  ‘There’s a few I can recommend but as it’s peak season, I’m not sure if they’ll have availability.’ I sigh. Glancing sideways at him, I notice his stumped expression and feel myself waning.

  ‘I guess we can drive around some hotels then and see who’s got a room,’ he continues. ‘Or maybe if you have internet at yours, I can use that and find something online?’

  ‘Yes fine, do that,’ I reply, suddenly feeling tired and drained. ‘You can book something and Matt can drop you there after.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he says quietly, perhaps finally realising that things aren’t ever going to be the same as they once were. I sink back into my seat and stare out of the window, wondering how I got myself into this mess.

  Not long after, we pull up outside the guesthouse and Dewi comes to greet us. I can sense that Spencer’s jet lag is kicking in and with a hurried introduction, I politely excuse us and we head towards my apartment.

  ‘Please tell me you have air-con,’ he says, as I open the door, looking around and nodding his head. ‘Cute place you’ve got here, very traditional-looking.’

  I walk in and pick up the air-conditioning remote and point it at him, pressing max.

  ‘Of course I have air-con. It’s not a third world country.’ Padding across to the fridge, I retrieve us both an icy bottle of water and pass one to him.

  ‘No need to get sarcastic, I just prefer things cooler that’s all.’ He glances around the room once again before yawning tiredly and pointing to my laptop. ‘Can I use that to look at the hotels then?’

  ‘Of course.’ Walking over to my makeshift desk, I pick up the laptop and pass it across to him. ‘I’m not trying to be awkward, you know,’ I say suddenly, aware that I’m perhaps acting standoffish and unwelcoming. ‘I just need you to know that things aren’t reparable between us. I really am making a new life here.’

  He stares at me solemnly. ‘I think you’ve made that very clear already, Everly. You don’t need to keep rubbing it in.’

  I feel my heart skip a beat, as pangs of remorse take hold. Am I being too cold and insensitive?

  Accepting the laptop from my hands, he sets it in front of him and opens the lid. ‘That aside, I still hope you’re up for an afternoon or two hanging out, just as mates, I mean?’

  He looks up at me, his eyes like pools of aqua blue water and the Spencer I once cared for, flashes before me. For a split second, I’m caught up in old feelings and the guilt wins out.

  ‘I’m busy this week but I can spare an afternoon, yes.’

  ‘OK good.’ He smiles cheerfully at me like I’ve just said the best thing ever, and it lights up his face, taking me right back to our happier times together in Bermuda.

  ‘Now, what’s the name of that hotel you were going to recommend?’

  His comment snaps me straight back into the present moment, into the reality of the situation and this time, I don’t hesitate to answer.

  ‘It’s the Bidadari Hotel.’

  The last thing I want to do is romanticise the past when I’ve come so far in finding everything I was hoping for.

  Chapter 21

  ‘It really does seem silly to pay so much money when there’s perfectly nice but cheaper hotels only minutes away, though.’ I glance once again around the hotel we’re standing in and whilst it’s absolutely beautiful, with its central colossal water feature and statues all around, it’s also ridiculously expensive. Much more so than the Bidadari Hotel I’d recommended which apparently hadn’t lived up to expectation.

  ‘Well, you only live once,’ Spencer replies, as I follow him to his suite. A porter passes by with a bucket of expensive champagne on ice and it’s clear to me that every whim is catered for here. When we finally arrive at his room, Spencer looks rather smug as he gives me the grand tour.

  ‘This is more like it, isn’t it?’ he says with an enormous grin.

  I survey the large room and decide that it’s state-of-the-art tech and modern design feels too cold and clinical for my liking.

  ‘Honestly, it’s all a bit “private clinic” to me. You wouldn’t even know you’re in Bali in this hotel. You could be anywhere.’

  ‘It’s just as well really. Bali isn’t exactly the kind of place I could see myself spending more than a week,’ he says, making me feel irritated at his lack of cultural appreciation.

  Turning my back to him, I venture out onto the private patio and eye up the swimming pool, before taking a discreet deep breath.

  I hadn’t really wanted to come along again today but I’m not one to break my word. Especially since I’d practically had Matt ferry Spencer away the minute he’d booked his hotel the other day. Since then, I’ve felt nothing but uneasy about another meet up, constantly questioning if it’s the right thing to do. However, as we’d already agreed on the day and time, it didn’t feel right to cancel. I know more than anyone that sometimes you just have to face your fears head on, especially if you want them to lose control over you. Facing Spencer today means that I can finally tie up this loose end and make it clear we are done.

  ‘Have you found your wallet yet?’ Walking back into the room, I watch as Spencer quickly sprays himself with aftershave and ruffles his hair in the mirror as he passes.

  ‘Yep, found it,’ he says, holding up his supposedly missing wallet – the reason we had to come back to his hotel in the first place. Except I’m certain it was more of an excuse to get me closer again and into his territory.

  ‘
So, where would you like to go for that drink and chat?’ he asks, picking up his room key and placing it in his back pocket. ‘You said there were a few sunset options you liked?’

  ‘Yes, let’s go to Aliya,’ I suggest, knowing full well it’s a setting that Spencer will approve of and with a vibe busy enough not to make it feel too intimate or ‘couple-y’. The last thing I want to do is give him the wrong idea.

  ‘Great.’ He walks over, standing so close to me that I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. Feeling uncomfortable, I take a step sideways and bend down pretending to re-adjust my sandal. ‘Something keeps digging into my foot,’ I say, fiddling with the buckle whilst waiting for him to open the door.

  Not seeming to notice, he waits patiently until I stand up again and chivalrously opens the door for me. Despite myself, I smile. Some things never change.

  We arrive just in time for sunset and as we pass through the grounds of the beach club, I feel my heart soar at the sight of the beach stretched out in front of us, framed in shades of vibrant pink, purple and orange as the sky changes before us like a chameleon.

  ‘So beautiful. You can’t beat a Bali sunset,’ I muse, following Spencer across to the crowded bar area where the majority of the box chairs and abstract beanbags are already occupied.