Passport to Happiness

by Carrie Stone

  ‘Agreed, it’s beautiful but it’s not quite Bermuda though, is it?’ Spencer quips, winking at me.

  Ignoring him, I take a second to watch the waves crash against the sand and admire the last of the sun’s reflection on the water before continuing.

  ‘Gosh, it’s busy.’ Scanning for somewhere to sit down, my heart leaps into my throat as I spot a very familiar sight – Luuk. What on earth is he doing here? Instantly panicked, I feel my pulse quicken with anxiety.

  From a distance, Luuk is lounging on a beanbag with a Corona in his hand and some type of food in the other, Panda lying by his feet. For a brief instant, I forget my agitation and allow myself to feel a warm fuzzy happiness at the sight of him. I tell myself there’s still time to make an excuse to find a different venue, ignoring my mounting trepidation that he might suddenly notice us.

  ‘Looks like there’s some spare seats over there,’ Spencer remarks, pointing ahead directly to where Luuk is sitting.

  ‘Hiii, it’s Everly, isn’t it?’

  It takes me a moment to place the woman’s voice that bursts into my flustered thoughts, but within a split second she’s standing beside me. I notice Spencer carry on walking, unaware that I’ve stopped briefly, taken aback by the gorgeous beauty in a floating, racing green dress. Indah. What on earth?

  ‘Hey?’ Distracted, I make it sound more like a question than a greeting and I reluctantly notice she doesn’t stop and instead walks beside me. I desperately try to tap Spencer on the arm to get his attention. ‘It’s Indah, right? From the hotel in Ubud? Luuk’s friend?’

  ‘Yes! So nice to see you again.’ She places her hand on my arm in an overly familiar manner and I’m aware we’re now only feet away from Luuk, who thankfully hasn’t noticed us yet. Indah turns to Spencer, blocking my path. ‘And who’s this? Your partner?’

  At the sound of her voice, I notice Spencer finally turn around and politely smile, as my mind is awash with confusion and shock. Why is she here? Why is she so interested in chatting to me? What’s going on?

  ‘Everly?’

  The questioning and distinctive voice stops me in my tracks and I try not to grimace, instead plastering a fake smile across my face. Game over.

  I look on as Luuk stands up to greet us, surprise written all over his face. Indah walks across to join him, her hand brushing the small of his back as she takes a seat.

  In a split second I realise that I’ve totally misjudged the situation. It’s even more glaringly obvious as I notice Indah’s hand come to rest on Luuk’s knee, screaming out to me that he’s hers. A rattled, sickening feeling sweeps over me and if it wasn’t for Spencer standing beside me clearly confused as to what is going on, I’d be tempted to turn away and make my excuses to leave.

  ‘Hey you, well I guess this is the place for all the cool kids to hang out today,’ I joke, before gesturing to Spencer beside me. ‘Luuk, this is Spencer from Bermuda.’

  For a brief second, I notice Luuk’s discomposure – from the way his mouth tightens to the consternation in his gaze. He clearly recognises the name and puts two and two together. Making five.

  ‘Hi dude, nice to meet you. I’m Everly’s colleague at BDR.’ Avoiding my perplexed gaze, Luuk reaches out to shake Spencer’s hand. He appears cool, calm and collected, no hint of jealousy or awkwardness. He even smiles as he talks. There’s nothing else to it, he’s simply the relaxed, chilled Luuk I’ve grown to know.

  ‘Good to meet you. And this must be your partner?’ I watch as Spencer turns to Indah and she reacts by laughing bashfully, flicking her hair provocatively and fluttering her long eyelashes, making me dislike her even more.

  ‘Wow so American, I love your accent.’ She’s basically purring at him and I feel myself biting down on my lip in annoyance as Luuk’s gaze suddenly catches mine. For a brief moment our eyes lock and it’s as if a thousand unsaid words pass between us. There’s so much intensity and connection in the exchange that I know in my heart that he feels more than just friendship for me. Any more doubt about my feelings for him disappears too, as I realise that seeing him with Indah, as a couple, has clarified exactly how much he means to me. And then just like that, Spencer turns to me, breaking the spell.

  ‘Everly, you sit down, I’ll grab the drinks. What would you like?

  ‘Just a fresh coconut for me please.’ I force a smile on my face, concentrating on Spencer and trying not to give away my true feelings. Inside, I’m a hot mess fuelled by irrational thoughts about Luuk.

  For five minutes, the three of us make small talk as I try to avoid Luuk’s questioning stare, instead focusing on Indah and her overly enthusiastic account of their trip to Lombok. I’m actually relieved when Spencer re-joins us.

  ‘What’s this trip then?’ he asks, looking engrossed as Luuk fills him in on his plans. I listen on, interested to hear that Luuk is considering allowing his land to be used as a marine conservation centre.

  ‘Wow, that sounds amazing,’ I say, secretly impressed with the nobility of his offer. ‘But were you not going to consider a surf school?’

  He catches my eye and sighs, shrugging his shoulders and looking slightly defeated.

  ‘I was, but I’ll be honest, I’ve just found out that the land around me has recently been bought up by a major hospitality group. They’re hoping to redevelop the entire beachfront into a beach club, hotel and spa.’ He glances at Indah and she purses her lips, clearly just as disappointed. ‘And apparently, it’s not the only hotel chain that has set its sights on the area. There’s others all currently doing the same thing along the island.’

  ‘Is that not good for the economy though. Perhaps generates extra jobs and suchlike?’ Spencer asks beside me.

  I look on as Luuk huffs, shaking his head fiercely. ‘More like destroy the magic of the island. To westernise and modernise it will take the soul and spirit of what it stands for. There’s so much untouched beauty there. If these hotel chains get their way, it’ll be the start of a downward spiral.’

  Spencer looks pensive for a moment and I feel myself getting dismayed for Luuk; it’s clear Lombok has special meaning to him and I can relate to his frustration.

  ‘They have even offered to buy Luuk’s land as it stands in their path,’ Indah adds, shaking her head. ‘It’s a prime spot, with a wonderful view.’

  ‘Luckily, they’ll never get their greedy, dirty hands on it,’ Luuk replies, smiling. ‘That’s why I think the conservation centre will be a good idea. If they’re going to build up the area to cater to the luxury tourism market then having a centre so perfectly situated will at least spread awareness and hopefully aid the preservation of the island marine life. The locals will run the centre too.’

  ‘It’s a great idea. It’ll be a good way to safeguard your land and give back to nature at the same time. It’s a very honourable thing to do.’ I catch Luuk’s eye and feel my heart flutter.

  Beside me, I can sense Spencer wrestling with the urge to say something, as he remains uncharacte‌ristically quiet.

  ‘Have you considered accepting the hotel group’s offer at all?’ he suddenly says. ‘I mean, I’m assuming it would be a very generous sum of money they’re offering if the land is prime. The profit could then be used to fund various conservation projects instead?’ Surely that’d make more sense?’

  ‘Spencer, I think it’s more the principle of the matter…’ I begin, becoming embarrassed by Luuk and Indah’s critical stares. Spencer seems to have totally missed the point of the situation. ‘It’s not so much about what could be done with the money.’

  ‘There’s no way they’re getting the land,’ Luuk snaps, angry. ‘It’s exactly that type of thinking that creates the problem in the first instance. Not everything is about money or profit.’

  ‘Just a suggestion. I didn’t mean to ruffle anybody’s feathers.’ Holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture, I feel awkward at the tense atmosphere. Spencer sits back and takes a sip of his bottled beer, changing the subject. ‘So, tell me
about the waters here – you look like a man that knows his surf?’

  The next hour passes in stilted conversation about surfing and I suddenly find myself feeling thankful for Indah’s presence. For without her upbeat enthusiasm and acting as the buffer to keep the conversation flowing, the already awkward situation would be even more uncomfortable and strained. The stark reality hits me that Luuk and Spencer are very different indeed. They’re pretty much chalk and cheese. How did I not notice the contrast before now?

  Glancing at my watch, I wait for a lull in the conversation before taking my cue, eager to escape the situation and put all of us out of our misery.

  ‘Goodness, it’s almost eight o’clock. We’d better be making a move, I’ve got things to do I’m afraid…’ I look at Spencer and he nods, downing the last of his drink.

  ‘Sure, I’m ready when you are.’

  A small smile plays at the corner of Luuk’s lips as I catch his eye and I know he’s grateful for my intervention as I turn to Indah.

  ‘Well, it was good to see you again.’

  ‘And you too.’ We hug awkwardly, both suspecting that the other isn’t entirely comfortable with the false show of friendliness. ‘Take care.’

  I notice Luuk and Spencer shake hands out of the corner of my eye and I pick up my bag, coming face to face with Luuk.

  ‘Is that your ex?’ he asks quietly as Spencer hovers behind me, talking with Indah.

  We lock eyes and I find myself imploring him not to misunderstand the situation.

  ‘Yes, but…’ I stall as Spencer appears beside me, standing far too close and interrupts us.

  ‘All set?’ he asks, looking keen to go.

  ‘Yep. I’m ready to go.’ I glance at Luuk apologetically and step back. ‘OK well, I’ll catch you soon then.’

  I notice Indah slipping her hand into Luuk’s as I turn around.

  ‘Yes, ciao for now. Enjoy the surf dude,’ he says, looking at Spencer one final time before we turn our separate ways.

  The car journey back to Spencer’s hotel is slightly uneasy, given that I know he’s full of questions about Luuk and didn’t get the chat that he hoped for.

  ‘That Luuk, you hang out with him a lot then?’ he asks, breaking the silence.

  ‘Yes quite a bit.’ I cut to the chase. ‘I don’t think he was entirely your cup of tea, right?’ I smirk, trying to ignore my stomach twisting in unease. If I’m perfectly honest with myself, I don’t want to hear Spencer run Luuk down and yet I can’t help but be intrigued as to what he has to say.

  ‘Not really. I know you have common interests and stuff but the guy’s a bit too eco-warrior, hippie for me. Plus that thing about Lombok and the hotel group – he’s sitting on a gold mine and anyone with half a brain would sell. Shame he can’t see that and is more interested in his pride.’ He stops and stares at his mobile, his eyes scanning an email that clearly has caught his attention.

  Dumbfounded, I stare at Spencer mouth slightly agape.

  ‘Well, there isn’t anything wrong with being eco-conscious instead of a corporate type. And I think his choice about the land is honourable.’ My attitude is waspish but Spencer doesn’t appear to notice, he’s too engrossed in his email, silently muttering under his breath about something.

  ‘Hmm,’ he says, responding to me absent-mindedly.

  Vexed at his blatant rudeness and lack of interaction, I’m grateful when the taxi pulls into the entrance to his hotel, coming to a stop. However, Spencer barely notices.

  ‘We’re here,’ I say, looking out of the car window and grateful to soon be going home.

  He looks up from his phone, disengaged for a moment before he seems to register what I’ve said.

  ‘Oh Christ, already. Sorry I got lost in checking my emails.’ He glances at his watch. ‘Are you free for dinner? It’s just that we never got that chance to properly catch up and discuss things…’

  ‘Yes, sure,’ I reply, knowing that he won’t stop asking to meet until he gets his chat and if that means another couple of hours to end things once and for all, I’m all for it.

  ‘OK, do you want to meet here in an hour? The hotel restaurant is quite good.’

  Relieved at his decision, I nod and settle back into my seat.

  ‘Yes fine. I’ll see you then.’

  I waste no time in closing the taxi door and instructing the driver where to drop me. It’s bliss being alone and I can’t help but feel a weight lift from my shoulders as I reach home. I wave at Wiwik – who’s busy chatting with another guest – as I pass to my apartment.

  The air inside is stuffy but I’m unfazed as I revel in the freedom of being back where I enjoy. I take a moment to part the curtains, happy to see Tessi sunbathing outside my balcony, and sink down into my comfy chair. Kicking off my shoes, I take a moment, throwing my head back and feeling my body instantly relax.

  ‘Fuck.’

  The tears come thick and fast, taking my breath away. What a mess. Seeing Luuk today has brought everything home to me. From the feelings that have risen up full force from practically nowhere, to the realisation that he quite obviously seems to be involved with Indah.

  And then there’s Spencer and my realisation just how wrong he was for me. When we were together in Bermuda, I’d really only seen him in his own environment, surrounded by his friends, colleagues and the things he relates to. Seeing him here, he’s like a fish out of water. In that moment of life, he had been everything I had needed. The connection was passionate and romantic. However, the polarity between us now is so obvious to me. Yes, I felt for him but thinking back it was never that same respectful, whole-hearted affection that I have for Luuk. The thought of Luuk makes me feel safe and like I’m at home, something which I’ve never experienced with any man before.

  And I know deep down in my heart that there is no way I can even contemplate leaving Bali. It’s not only my place but my feelings for Luuk aren’t just friendship, they’re much more than that. I’m falling for him and if I leave Bali, I’ll always wonder what if.

  ‘You need your head testing, Everly,’ I whisper to myself, looking around my apartment, now knowing that the thought of going anywhere else is absolutely ridiculous.

  Sure, Bali hasn’t delivered me that full package that I thought I was looking for when I left the UK. Yet what Bali has given and taught me has been far more fulfilling. For the first time ever, I feel truly content within myself and I’m enjoying every day to the full. I have that healthy life balance of work and play that I always dreamed of and thought was out of my reach. The volunteering I’ve been doing here has satisfied my need to contribute in some way to something bigger than myself; a greater cause. But mostly the whole experience has given me the freedom of knowing that the world is my oyster and I can go anywhere and start afresh, with the certainty that I will be OK. It has taught me that both happiness and home are inside me, wherever I choose to go. And yet, Bali is the only place I want to be right now. It feels so right.

  Resolute, I brush away my tears and walk across to the fridge, pouring myself a drink. Now that my mind is made up, I feel immediately more at peace.

  My phone rings, startling me and I look at the screen expecting to see Spencer’s name. Instead it’s Amy.

  ‘Hi.’ I try to keep my tone light and breezy.

  ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ She’s clearly in a better mood than when we last spoke as she giggles at something Jack calls out in the background.

  ‘You sound happy,’ I reply, smiling to myself, grateful to finally hear the light back in my sister’s voice. ‘I’m OK, just waiting to meet Spencer for dinner.’

  ‘Spencer? What as in Bermuda, your ex that cheated on you, Spencer?’ she asks, sounding shocked. ‘He’s there, in Bali?’

  Smiling at her surprised tone, I fill her in on the situation and my feelings on the matter.

  ‘Wow. Well, he definitely isn’t a quitter – I’ll give him that. Just be sure that you don’t want that life in Bermuda though. It’s
all there waiting for you by the sounds of it.’ Amy suddenly sounds concerned and I can almost picture her frowning at the phone. ‘Are you sure you’re not being hasty? He’s clearly willing to do everything to win you back.’

  ‘Oh Aim, I’m so sure and even more so because I’m in a bit of a dilemma…’ I begin, not caring that she most likely will judge me for my decision. She remains quiet as I feel my nerves get the better of me at the thought of admitting it aloud. ‘The thing is, everything is so good here in Bali that I’ve decided I’m going to stay longer…’ My breath catches and I take a moment, hesitating.

  ‘Well, I wasn’t expecting that – long-term…’ she mutters to herself, pausing for a moment and I can tell she’s disappointed. Her tone is encouraging, and I know she’s waiting for me to elaborate. I just need to come out and say it aloud.

  ‘And I think I’m in love with Luuk.’ There, I’ve said it. Relieved, I continue with the part that’s the spanner in the works. ‘Except, it seems he’s now got a girlfriend.’

  I hear her blow out a stream of air in a disapproving manner.

  ‘Wow, that’s not ideal.’

  ‘I know. It’s a bloody mess.’ I stare beyond my window, watching as Tessi stretches and plays with his tail.

  ‘Well, to be frank, I had a feeling things were heading that way when you kept mentioning all those days out with him.’ She pauses for a moment and I hesitantly await the tirade that’s surely going to come my way. Instead, her tone is soft. ‘But you can’t help your feelings. If you’re in love with Luuk, then you’ve only got one choice.’

  ‘Which is?’ I ask, holding my breath as to what she’ll advise me.

  ‘Simple. Tell him how you feel.’

  Speechless, it takes me a moment to respond. ‘You make it sound so easy.’ And she does. ‘But what about the girlfriend…’

  She cuts me off, her usual abrupt manner returning.

  ‘Everly, listen to me. I may not always see eye to eye with you on certain decisions you make. But I do know one thing. All I wish for you is happiness and to find someone to love you and cherish you. And if Luuk is that person, then don’t miss the chance. And all this about staying in Bali long-term…’ She huffs loudly and for a moment I feel like she’s going to backtrack and tell me it’s a ridiculous idea.