How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

by Jason Offutt

  Barbecue skewers: What’s a barbecue without kabobs? And what’s a monster with two metal skewers sticking out of his eye sockets? Blind. This will make it a lot easier to grab a bottle of vodka from the liquor section and a lighter from the checkout stand, and set this affront to God on fire.

  Weapons Found in a Church

  Although dedicated to saving souls, joining people in marriage, putting people to rest, and other joyous occasions, churches are dangerous places. Statistics show more people die in churches than in automobile accidents each year[1]. So to destroy a monster bent upon your destruction, you can finally use a church as a sanctuary.

  Crosses: Most Christian churches are loaded with crosses; the closer your denomination is to Catholicism, the bigger the crosses. By grabbing the holy crucifix by the base and swinging it like a baseball bat, you’ll have a seriously righteous ax with which to convert the unbeliever, and by “convert,” I mean dismember, and by “unbeliever,” I mean monster. Smacking a reanimated corpse in the head with our Lord and Savior is the same as using a medieval weapon.

  Idols: Churches are loaded with statues of saints, symbols, and flags. Although a statue of Ursicinus of Saint-Ursanne, the patron saint against stiff necks, might be too heavy to lift and use to bash in the brains of a reanimated corpse, if you did, it would be pretty sweet. Flagpoles are also deadly. The pole holding up the Christian flag has just enough length to keep you out of arm’s reach of a beast, and just enough stabbing power to penetrate a skull. And a dying reanimated monster sporting a Christian flag through the head makes for a pretty kick ass wedding photo.

  Baptismal pool: If you’re in one of the old school churches that dunk the people they baptize, there’s a chance you can drown the monster. Yes it’s a monster, but it still has to breathe. By coaxing the reanimated corpse into the water using your chokeable neck as bait, the monster can get in but may not be able to get out. Methodists are sprinklers. If you’re Methodist, sorry, you’re out of luck.

  Fire: All churches possess the ability to make fire. While being chased by a soulless moaning beast, it’s okay to rush into a church service, snatch the flaming candle lighter from a screaming little girl, and use it to ignite the monster’s clothing. Although there’s a good chance the flaming creature will wander the aisle, bumping into and igniting tapestries, and the occasional congregation member, don’t worry about setting the Lord’s house on fire. He won’t mind. He’s got plenty.

  Weapons You Should Have in Your House

  A man’s home isn’t always his castle; sometimes it’s his coffin. Don’t let it be yours. If a reanimated corpse follows you home, just remember the safety precaution SDR: Stop him, Drop him, and if he still has a wallet, Roll him.

  Guns: Although continuous gunfire will eventually kill a reanimated corpse, since these beasts can’t feel the blows, unless you get a clean head shot you have to fill them with a hell of a lot of led before they go down. Rifles and handguns are virtually ineffective. A shotgun is the money gun. Taking out a monster’s leg with a shotgun blast cuts down his maneuverability considerably, and leaves you plenty of time to fetch the circular saw from the garage to slice him up like a salami.

  Electrocution: Sure, high doses of electricity brought this monster back to life, but it’s not like chicken pox; they’re not immune. Stick a running garden hose in the basement while you run around the house. After about six inches of water has built up, lure the beast downstairs then get out and toss in a CD player (make sure it’s plugged in). Just to be on the safe side, put on Miley Cyrus. That should kill anybody.

  Hedge clippers: A good sharp pair of hedge clippers will shear through a reanimated corpse’s neck like a Ginsu knife through a tomato. When decapitating a reanimated corpse, it’s a lot cooler if you say something clever like, “Now you’re ahead,” or “Just a little off the top.”

  Ribbon cutting novelty scissors: Although virtually ineffective as scissors, they are long and pointed enough to impale the shambling creature into the drywall, giving you time to grab something a little more deadly, like a log splitter or, if you’re a geek, a bat’leth.

  Behavior of the Reanimated Corpse While You’re Trying to Kill It

  While you’re trying to kill a reanimated corpse, it won’t change its behavior, which is trying to kill you. That’s what it does. So to keep a reanimated corpse from killing you while you’re trying to kill it, it’s best to distract the monster. My suggestion: the Sparkler Bomb. Sparkler bombs are cheap (composed of common Independence Day sparklers and electrical tape), and effective. Open a package of sparklers, wrap them all tightly in electrical tape, leaving three inches of one sparkler exposed as the fuse, wait for the monster to get within a few feet of you, light it, and run. When the brain-dead simp picks up the pretty fuzzy light … Boom. No more hands. It’s kind of hard for a seven-foot, flat-headed, green monster to choke you if it doesn’t have opposable thumbs.

  Disposing of the Body

  Leave it where it dropped. With so many parts from so many different bodies, it’ll be impossible for the feds to link the DNA with any one missing corpse. Just don’t undo the stitching; not only will it turn one unidentifiable corpse into a dozen identifiable body parts, it’ll make a terrible mess on the carpet.

  Joe Canton: I’m gonna get my shotgun and make a rug outta that damn thing.

  -- Creature from Black Lake, 1976

  Chapter 4: Bigfoot

  The world is full of big hairy things. Bigfoot, moose, pandas, Seth Rogen, bears, these monsters are everywhere, and they all have one thing in common—they smell awful. Okay, two things. They’re also dangerous. The trouble for us is dangerous things have easy access to the average citizen, because the average citizen will, at some point, walk near trees, and most dangerous hairy things are hidden by trees. Depending on the part of the world you’re in, areas covered with trees can either be calm, wonderful places full of hypoallergenic flowers, keg parties, and the occasional pixie, or they can be like Florida—full of alligators, bears, panthers, poisonous snakes, and bootlegging rednecks with guns.

  It doesn’t matter if your trees are in the wilderness or surrounded by cities. Something’s there, waiting to kill you. For example, Narnia. What’s waiting for you in tree-filled Narnia? The White Witch, Maugrim the talking wolf, and the Lady of the Green Kirtle. This place is worse than Afghanistan. Around the corner for somebody in magicland is like walking into a Taliban firefight. Another example? Middle Earth. There are more trees in Middle Earth than drunken sorority girls at Daytona Beach—and some of the trees in Middle Earth walk. The trolls and orcs of Middle Earth are enough to make me want to drop napalm; don’t talk to me about walking trees. Yes, trees give us shade, shelter, and oxygen, but they also hide things. Deadly things. Hairy things. Things like Bigfoot (Bad Ass Factor 9 out of 10). And regardless of what Bigfoot enthusiasts claim, they’re not gentle giants. Not by a long shot.

  Have you ever looked at an animal, a beast so graceful and elegant you’re in awe of its very existence—you know, like a Jessica Alba or a white-tailed deer—then you discover the deer will stomp in your head if you look at it wrong. Deer kill more people in North America each year than alligators, sharks, bears, poisonous snakes, and lions do worldwide. Did you get that? Sharks and lions. SHARKS AND LIONS. Bigfoot is at least twice as big as a basking shark, lion, deer, bear, or Jessica Alba’s bodyguards, has a much larger cranial capacity, and has opposable thumbs. People who want to save Bigfoot cite the beast is too human to kill. Are you kidding? That just makes it a killing machine. Raccoons have opposable thumbs and aren’t nearly as intelligent as Bigfoot. Have you ever run into a cornered raccoon (Bad Ass Factor 7 out of 10)? It’s a thirty-pound Tasmanian devil that can eat your forearm faster than Rosie O’Donnell can eat a turkey. If you want to rid the world of monsters, shoot every Bigfoot and raccoon on sight, and if Rosie O’Donnell invites you over to her house for dinner, seriously, don’t go.

  Problem One: sex appeal. Another reason
Bigfoot needs to be killed is its inevitable domination over humans as a species. Bigfoot—and it’s cousins the Yeti, Yowie, and Alma—is human enough to live in our homes, drive our cars, eat our food, and marry our women. Guys, when the first Bigfoot walks onto the set of The View talking about his rough childhood, woman between the ages of eighteen and forty-nine are lost to us.

  How to Identify Bigfoot

  Bigfoot is a six- to ten-foot-tall unclassified species of ape. Researchers and witnesses have speculated Bigfoot may be a remnant Neanderthal from the Geico commercials, a Pleistocene ape known as Gigantopithecus, an extraterrestrial, or the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond. Actually, no one knows what Bigfoot is, really, except that it’s scarier than a Kodiak bear dressed like The Batman and swinging a chainsaw (Bad Ass Factor incalculable). Bigfoot-like creatures are reported around the world and are found in more places than cockroaches: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia, and Australia. Australia? Yes, Australia. Although scientists generally agree Bigfoot doesn’t exist, the hundreds of people in North America alone who report seeing Bigfoot each year agree scientists don’t exist.

  Bigfoot Powers

  These things are bigger than Andre the Giant, and have never been captured. That’s a power. Are you kidding me? Bigfoot can disappear faster than a keg of beer at a journalist convention. Where do they go? People have speculated Bigfoot gets beamed aboard a UFO, disappears into tunnel systems that for some reason we haven’t found either, or they can actually vanish. This means Bigfoot is as stealthy as the Viet Cong, although now Charlie’s the size of a Volkswagen and can fit your head in its mouth. It can also bench press a doublewide trailer. Yeah, that’s power.

  Bigfoot Weaknesses

  This thing is bigger than Shaq. Shaquille O’Neal is 7’1” and weighs 325 pounds. Out in the woods, Bigfoot would be the Skipper to Shaq’s Little Buddy. So does this hairy giant have a weakness? No. Well, according to the commercials, maybe beef jerky, I guess.

  How to Avoid Bigfoot

  So you’re walking outdoors somewhere, and by outdoors, I don’t just mean outside. I mean out, way out. Are you there, among the cornfields and Amish? Great. Now you’re going to die. Stay away from the trees and the cider press. Something is waiting behind every one of those trees that will kill you, and make fun of your corpse. Other than people who live in heavily forested regions, and occasionally see a Bigfoot Dumpster diving inside the city limits, you’re generally pretty safe from Bigfoot attack if you walk along a busy street. If you live in Amish country, do not become complacent in your nice warm home that smells of cinnamon, popcorn, and Old Spice. Didn’t you see 1972’s The Legend of Boggy Creek? Bigfoot attacked a guy who was sitting on the toilet. Not cool, Bigfoot. Not cool.

  Who’s Going to Help You

  When it comes to Bigfoot encounters, lumberjacks and drunken rednecks are your friend. Think about it. They’re 1) big and hairy themselves, 2) fearless, 3) heavily armed, and 4) always ready for a fight. Watching this would be like sitting in the front row of bear wrestling at a rural bar.

  Your Arsenal and Where to Keep It

  Although most people have items in their house dangerous enough to kill a Bigfoot—like chainsaws and sledgehammers—the problem is you don’t want to get close enough to a Bigfoot to have to use a chainsaw or sledgehammer. Trying to use a sledgehammer to take down Bigfoot is a lot like trying to use a water balloon to take down an M1 Abrams tank. And chainsaws? They’re like dental floss to these monsters. When fighting a Bigfoot, think big.

  Problem Two: the biggest thing an average American has in his house is the TV.

  Things You Should Have Everywhere

  Hunting rifle: Don’t get cute. The thing you’re up against is almost the size of a walrus. If you’re going to shoot a Bigfoot, use the biggest rifle you can find and shoot it in the face. Oh sure, you can try to shoot Bigfoot in the heart, but if you miss, it will rip off your head. Besides, where are you going to find a heart under all that chest? If you can’t quite imagine how big nine feet and five hundred pounds is, just picture Hagrid naked. That chest is the size of a New England state.

  Fire: Anything covered in hair is vulnerable to fire, which is convenient if you’re going to eat it afterward. Keep these around the house: a) blowtorches; b) multiple bottles of vodka—sure, visitors will think you’re a paranoid alcoholic, but I’d rather have a Bigfoot-free home than be respected any day; c) various rooms packed with large wads of newspaper/peat/Sterno, and boxes of military survival matches designed to light underwater; d) an unhealthy admiration for gasoline. Yes, each of these solutions has the potential to destroy your home, but it’s not like Black Flag makes Bigfoot Motels. Your house is collateral damage.

  Traps: If a Bigfoot has found its way into your home, you don’t want to catch it—you want to kill it. But before stringing your living area with tripwires, ask yourself the following questions: 1) what’s the most likely entry point for a Bigfoot? 2) how can I use its size to my advantage? and 3) why would Bigfoot come into my house in the first place? The answers are the front door, hole in the floor, and Girl Scout cookies.

  1) Trap one: shotgun placed at eye level behind every door. Since Bigfoot’s eye level is the same as a Greek titan, aim high. This avoids pesky lawsuits from the Girl Scouts of America.

  2) Trap two: the old Looney Tunes hole in the floor trap. When a Bigfoot steps on the rug covering the hole in the floor, it plummets to the floor below. However, Bigfoot will not fall to its grizzly doom unless you cover the lower floor with cinder blocks, rusty steel spikes, and itching powder, you know, just to be a dick.

  Things You Should Have in the Garage

  Hard to attain weapons: The 12-gauge auto-loader, .45 long slide with laser sighting, phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range, the Uzi nine millimeter, and whatever else the Terminator used to try and kill Sarah Connor is a pretty good choice. But, unlike the Terminator, get the job done. If you have these weapons, you already know what to do. Just point at the big hairy thing and hope it’s not Carl Brutananadilewski from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

  Things You Should Have in the Driveway

  Logging truck: Unless you drive a school bus, your every day vehicle isn’t going to withstand a Bigfoot-to-grill impact. The Bigfoot will. Although your car is an effective weapon against werewolves, a Bigfoot can pick up anything smaller than an F-150 and shake it until it spills you onto the highway, then it will take your wallet. Remember, think big. If a Bigfoot charges and you actually have time to get into a vehicle and start it, it better be a logging truck. If being attacked by a Bigfoot is something you have to worry about on a day-to-day basis, you probably drive a logging truck already.

  Behavior of the Bigfoot While You’re Trying to Kill It

  Take all the National Geographic specials on animals you’ve ever seen, put them in a box, shake them until they’re nice and angry, then let them fight. I don’t care if you’ve just shaken up a tiger versus a rhinoceros, a grizzly bear versus a great white shark, or a condor versus a Terry Crews; nothing is as scary as an injured Bigfoot versus you.

  Problem Three: Most injured animals will attack in a mindless, pain- and fear-fueled rage. Bigfoot will just really want to kick your ass. And a monster that outweighs you, outquicks you, and could possibly beat you at Scrabble, will probably kill you unless you did things right the first time.

  Note to self: Battle prep watch list: Dirty Harry, Death Wish, Rambo, Conan the Barbarian, Under Siege, Die Hard, and that part in Bambi where a hunter shoots Bambi’s mother, dresses her, and eats her flank raw. Yeah, you probably didn’t see that. It was in the director’s cut.

  Disposing of the Body

  Sell it to scientists. Maybe then they’ll shut up about being right all the time.

  Captain Steven Hiller (punching a dying invading alien in the face): Welcome to Earth.

  --Independence Day, 1996

  Chapter 5: Space Aliens

  The noise drags you from sleep. T
ired eyes scan the dim grayness of night, but nothing’s out of place: the bookshelf, the computer, the evil clown lurking in the corner waiting to swallow your soul, nothing. No, wait. The clown’s just a coat on a chair; you might live through another night. Then there’s the noise again, a sort of scraping. The bedroom door slowly moves, and a gray, spindly figure with big black eyes and a head like a canned ham shuffles in. At first you think, Gee, E.T. really let himself go. Then things get weird. This thin gray figure takes you from the relative comfort of your house, puts you in a strange place, pokes you, prods you, messes with your reproductive organs, and you don’t remember anything in the morning. Sounds like a night out with a Kardashian, but no, you’ve been abducted by aliens.

  This abduction scenario has replayed itself for centuries upon centuries and across every continent on earth. According to UFO abduction researchers, about six percent of the human population worldwide is abducted yearly. Using today’s population numbers, that translates to 406,514,144 people, or approximately the entire population of North America. If aliens were to abduct every North American the day before Black Friday or Valentine’s Day, the world’s economy would disintegrate like so many Death Stars.

  One of the first recorded alien encounters occurred 2,610 years ago in the land of the Chalde’ans by the river Chebar when the prophet Ezekiel saw something his Bronze Age mind couldn’t comprehend.