How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

by Jason Offutt

  “And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire enfolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the color of amber, out of the midst of the fire.”

  Okay, so that description could have been about something more common to the sixth century B.C. than today like … uh, a … um. Well, a nuclear explosion or a Pink Floyd concert. Ezekiel also described a wheel within a wheel descending from the heavens with the sound of great rushing waters. Then, when the wheels landed, living beings stepped from them.

  “Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man. And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings. And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot: and they sparkled like the color of burnished brass.”

  Outfits not out of place for clubbing in New York in the 1980s, but in a sixth century B.C. bar, tanked up Roman Centurions would have seriously rolled these jokers and taken their dates. But this being the Bronze Age, how else would Ezekiel describe what he saw? Wheels, amber, brass. That’s all he knows. He’s never seen Star Trek, and he’s never experienced the touch of a green Orion Slave Girl. The prophet goes on to describe these beings’ wings, their crystal helmets, the Prime Directive, “Gort. Klaatu barada nikto”—then he saw God.

  What happened to Ezekiel? A holy vision? An episode of The X-Files? Faeries with some bad mojo (It happens. See Chapter 11)? No. The book of Ezekiel in the Holy Bible describes an encounter with space aliens. Yes, space aliens have come to earth since the Bible was more of a travel pamphlet of fun things to do in the Middle East and less of a list of fun things not to do ever. For thousands of years, space aliens have flown their ships here from places I can’t pronounce for the purpose of taking soil samples, visiting people no one will ever believe, and doing things to you in their labs your insurance probably won’t cover.

  Problem One: what are we going to do about it?

  How to Identify a Space Alien

  A space alien is someone, or more usually some thing, that came to earth from outside our atmosphere, probably without a work visa. This also means they’re illegal aliens and are taking jobs away from hardworking Americans. Oh, sure, these illegal space aliens have taken jobs most of us don’t want to do, like probing and cooking in Chinese restaurants, but they are also creating human/alien hybrids to take over the earth. Will these hybrids still want to make General Tso’s Chicken for the buffet after they control the planet? I highly doubt it. Our lunchtime will be in shambles.

  You know who else is an illegal space alien? Superman (Bad Ass Factor 7 out of 10). And no, Superman is not from Kansas. Superman is from the planet Krypton. The young Superman landed in Kansas because his space alien father programmed the Kryptonian starship carrying his infant son to set down in a desolate land where the boy could someday become king, not because of his super powers, but because, come on it’s Kansas. Who’s going to stand in his way? Cousin Jeb? Thus the young Superman learned how to hot-wire a tractor and snort whiskey through his nose. Kansas is why Superman doesn’t come to save us when we need him. Right now he’s sitting on the tailgate of a rusty Ford F-150 outside Wichita, drinking Milwaukee’s Best, listening to Judas Priest, and bragging about his dick.

  So what do the space aliens want? Didn’t you see Independence Day? Or Alien? Or that episode of Star Trek with the killer parasites that looked like giant fried eggs? Or Mars Attacks? If given the chance, these aliens will kill us just because we’re us. They either want our planet’s resources, our liquor, or my parking space. Just look at the overwhelming number of movies with the bad aliens compared with movies about good aliens. There are, well, uh, E.T., and ... Oh, that movie with the gorgeous Natasha Henstridge. It was, it was (Google, Google, Google) Species. Oh, wait, she turned into a monster and killed most everyone. Sorry. Space aliens are not nice no matter how pretty they are. Kill them, kill them all.

  Space Alien Powers

  To say space aliens have powers is like saying 1970s Elvis had the baddest sideburns ever. Elvis’ sideburns were so big they probably had their own ecosystems. Yes, space aliens have powers. These aliens come to our planet from across the void of space without the help of Han Solo, Mr. Spock, or Krypto the Superdog. That’s impressive. Some of these aliens might be bigger than us, some might be stronger than us, some might even be able to juggle, but their major advantage is all of them are smarter than we are. Intelligence is a power. Natural power, like the ability to walk through solid objects, depends on the space alien. Of these there are six major types:

  The grays: Aboard interstellar spaceships, grays are the Screech of space aliens; they’re nerds cooler aliens shoved into lockers in high school. But these guys are also the probers average Americans cringe to hear about. They hypnotize us, abduct us, give us colonoscopies whether we need them or not, return us to our home/car/the middle of nowhere, and we can’t remember a thing. To us, the grays are Jedi Mind Trick jerks, and every encounter with them is like that bad party in college where we wake up nauseous wearing someone else’s underpants. It’s not fun.

  The mantis: These big, exoskeleton-wearing monsters have one major power humans understand—if we see one, some part of our body falls off, usually our head. These walking horrors don’t even have to touch us; they’re that frightening. It’s a lot like the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he’s arguing with Daffy Duck about duck season. Daffy’s bill just falls right off. It happens, folks, it happens. The mantis alien may have more powers than Lou Ferrigno, David Copperfield, and the entire Justice League, but we don’t know, because if a human sees a praying mantis the size of Jeremy Lin, none of the other powers matter because, like I said, our head falls off.

  The reptilian: These beasts possess the pure brute strength of Hercules, they’re seven feet tall, they have three rows of needle-sharp teeth, and they want nothing more than to take over our planet by turning the human race into billions of Big Macs. Yeah, I don’t need to go on, except to tell you they’re really, really hungry.

  The Nordics: These tall, athletic, blond, blue-eyed fantasy beings are what we dream about in high school before we realize most people look like us instead of what we see on TV. But they’re not the hot, foreign exchange Swedish student who’s only in town for a semester. These are hot, way-foreign, and in town for a few hours to warn us of nuclear proliferation, then they’re flying back home to Stockholmulous 5, a planet that revolves around the star Hugeboobsulon. What’s their power? A body like nobody’s business. Yes ma’am, I will listen to your monologue on the evils of atomic warfare, but spooning would really, really help my retention rate.

  Alf: He eats cats.

  Hot Girls from Venus: Their power is the fact that they want to mate with losers like Abbott and Costello just to repopulate their desolate world. Unfortunately for them, since the surface of their world is 894 degrees, they mate with losers for nothing.

  Space Alien Weaknesses

  Every space alien has a weakness. Superman has Kryptonite, Zaphod Beeblebrox has booze, and Jar Jar Binks has a shotgun blast to a cranium that holds what is probably a Lucky Charms marshmallow. But they all have a weakness, and in order to save the earth from these monsters, you just have to find it. Like powers, a space alien’s weakness depends on the space alien.

  The grays: Since these little guys rely on mind control powers, it’s best to stay drunk and angry at all times. They can’t control you if you can’t control yourself, or your bladder.

  The mantis: A bug zapper the size of a Dodge Grand Caravan; illegal in every state but, for some reason, Wisconsin.

  The reptilian: These things are the Predator if the Predator wasn’t such a weak-kneed pansy. The reptilian’s only weakness is firepower, lots of firepower. And by “lots,” I mean more than can be legally acquired by civilians outside Libya.

  The Nordics: Winter Olympics.

  Alf: Cats
.

  Hot Girls from Venus: They’re Hot Girls from Venus. They have no weakness, except maybe lingerie. Oh, and cute shoes.

  A weakness common to all space alien species is they hide their ships as well as Tiger Woods hides an affair. People see space alien ships all the time, and if we can see them, we can shoot at them. From the Airship Wave of 1897 to the 1942 Battle Over Los Angeles to the 1997 Phoenix Lights, these aliens must be fooling around with porn stars and pancake waitresses everywhere.

  How to Avoid Space Aliens

  You can’t. They’ll find you, warn you against using nuclear power, tell you they have to phone home, then probe your nether regions for no reason other than that’s the way they roll. Trying to hide from an alien species equipped with more scientific equipment than the Starship Enterprise is like trying to hide money from your wife—it’s impossible. The best way to avoid space aliens is to live in Washington, D.C. According to elected officials, there are no space aliens. All that bullshit must form some sort of force field over the entire district.

  Who’s Going to Help You

  Sigourney Weaver (Bad Ass Factor 8 out of 10).

  Your Arsenal and Where to Keep It

  If I haven’t stressed this enough, space aliens are not only here to kill us, they’re here to take over our planet and eat everyone we care about. If you’re a jaded person who hates the world, you probably don’t have a problem with this. But even you have to realize if aliens kill everyone, they will kill Scarlett Johansson. Scarlet Freakin’ Johansson. Yeah, you get it now. Kill these things before all that’s left of Scarlett is some red carpet picture from the Golden Globes People ran in 2011.

  Problem Two: They’re smarter than we are. The morons of the space alien race are even smarter than that British wheelchair dude. This means their weapons are awesome. A space alien’s blow dryer could probably do things to us I don’t want to think about. So how can we hope to battle races of beings capable of scientific feats that, to us, make Star Wars look like George Lucas shot it in Arkansas during the Great Depression? The same way we live our daily lives: with mindless, brutal violence.

  Things You Should Have Everywhere

  Blunt weapons: Know your enemy. If you’re hunting moose, stay away from its head. A moose’s head is basically a cinder block that looks good on a cabin wall. The cranium of a moose contains a tangerine-sized organ that tells the body to do the following things: rut, reproduce, eat, poop, and bash things with its face. Don’t aim for the head because the head’s not a moose’s weak spot. However, with a space alien, the head is a major weak spot, so any object that can cause head trauma is awesome. This bug-eyed monster has brought its ray gun into your house with the purpose of killing you. Afterward, it might make a sandwich then eat the last of the Funyuns. Are you going to put up with this shit? No way. For home security, keep the following blunt objects stored randomly around your house: baseball bats, table legs, bricks, rocks, logs, moose heads, rolling pins, hammers, chunks of lumber, big cans of V8, crow bars, and lengths of pipe. Yes, a space alien ray gun can cut through you like razor wire through an escaping convict, but crushing that monster’s skull will put a serious damper on its hand-eye coordination.

  Guns: Although it’s fairly fun to take down grays, ALF, and Marvin the Martian with a steak knife, baseball bat, or crow bar, these primitive weapons aren’t good enough when it comes to beasts a bit more vicious, like the mantis and the reptilian. For them, you need a gun, the bigger the better. The mantis is thin as a supermodel, so shotguns are the most effective shooting weapons. You don’t have to hit a specific spot to bring the beast down, because the shotgun’s spray pattern chews up everything in its path. However, a shotgun will just make the large reptilian angrier that it naturally is. Your best bet is to take out one of its knees with your 10-gauge then smash its skull with an end table.

  Things You Should Have in the Kitchen

  Knives: If you’re in your house and the space alien is packing a laser rifle, it’s best to stay in tight spots, like hallways or bathrooms, because it’s hard for space monsters to aim a rifle if the target (you) is too close. Remember dodge ball? Never throw at someone two feet from you; you’ll always miss. However, a couple of serrated kitchen knives are perfect for a tight fight and can rip through flesh easily because that’s what they’re designed to do. Steak knives are especially fun to use if you’re fighting a gray; their bones are light and hollow like a bird’s. Steak knives saw right through them. Just don’t let your dog chew on the bones; they might choke.

  Chairs: Sure, in movies and on TV, all fights involve chairs that shatter over the hero’s back and injure him as badly as if he’d been hit with a bag of marshmallows. These are Hollywood chairs, not real, solid chairs meant to hold the weight of obese Americans. A nice wooden kitchen chair can shatter the backbone of the average humanoid space monster faster than snapping a pencil. Avoid hitting a Hot Girl from Venus with a chair; for some reason, they feel less frisky afterward.

  Trash: When monsters from outer space invade your home, the first thing you should do is run into the kitchen and dump your trashcan and junk drawer onto the floor. These are filled with objects aliens don’t have in their own kitchens and will, therefore, be unaware of—like broken glass, ragged tuna can lids, nails, and thumbtacks—and won’t know how stupid it is to walk across them. Space aliens are much easier to hit with a chair if your garbage has shredded their feet.

  Things You Should Have in the Bathroom

  Aerosol cans: The beautiful thing about spray cans is they all kill bugs. Not just Raid, but Lysol, Pledge, and bathroom freshener will also kill a bug if sprayed in its face, leaving the corpse smelling fresh, like a spring rain. But I don’t recommend battling an eight-foot-tall mantis with a can of furniture polish unless you have a cigarette lighter. A lighter turns a simple can of Aqua Net into a blowtorch. Sure, it might not kill the mantis, but the mantis becomes a bit more docile after you melt its face.

  Things You Should Take When You Have the Chance

  A space alien’s ray gun: Space aliens are like ants; if there’s one, there are a hundred. Dispatching the first one is the hard part, but after grabbing its gun, the wholesale slaughter of its entire race should be easy. Use its technology against it.

  Behavior of the Space Alien While You’re Trying to Kill It

  Like most intelligent monsters, space aliens will not want you to kill them. But unlike most intelligent monsters, a number of alien species bleed acid. This makes the splatter zone more dangerous to you than a Great White concert. If you can, wear heavy clothing, a welder’s mask, and lots and lots of sun block. Unfortunately, these monsters will also try to kill you. Since this creature traveled across interstellar space to do just that, it must really mean business. However, you may be the only person standing in the way of an alien domination of earth, so you must avoid being killed at all costs. Try being really bad assed. That always worked for Stallone (Bad Ass Factor 10 out of 10).

  Disposing of the Body

  There is no question with this. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT turn the body of a space alien over to government authorities because 1) you will never get fair market value, and 2) since you know something top secret, the FBI will relocate you to some place like Utah and you’ll never be heard from again. Sell it on eBay.

  Terminator (to Kate Brewster who just shot it in the face): Don’t do that.

  --Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2003

  Chapter 6: Killer Robots

  It’s been a bad day at work. That stupid Mickey made a power play for the empty cubicle at the end of the row, and now you’re stuck next to knuckle-popping Denny Schmeltzer who eats out of other peoples’ lunch from the break room fridge. Traffic on the interstate was hell. At home, the toilet’s been running since you left at 7:30 a.m., there’s no beer, the frozen pizza you thought was in the freezer isn’t, then the stupid doorbell rings. Opening the door, you see a man, a strange man who speaks and moves mechanically, you know, like
an Austrian. He then reveals a laser-sighted Uzi and blows your brains out. You’ve just met a killer robot. Sucks, huh?

  This all sounds like a movie, but it’s not. The Terminator (1984) isn’t science fiction; it’s a documentary. Killer robots are real, deadly, and deployed, most visibly today on the battlefield. When the United States invaded Iraq in 2003 looking for Sarah Connor (and don’t fool yourself into thinking it was for Saddam Hussein or oil or something crazy like that), they used people. Just two years later, 2,400 killer robots were rolling through the sand hoping like heck they wouldn’t run into Jawas. By 2010, more than 12,000 killer robots that may or may not have been made by Cyberdyne Systems carried out 33,000 missions a year—and they still can’t find Connor. If you’re hiding her, don’t turn her in. Did you see Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)? She will hurt you (Bad Ass Factor 8 out of 10).

  Problem One: Although they’re most readily seen in science fiction, killer robots actually exist. The first report of a killer robot appeared in the turn of the 20th century piece of fiction “Moxon’s Master” by Ambrose Bierce. Bierce chronicles the murder of a scientist named Moxon who built a machine in the shape of a gorilla and programmed it to play chess. Unfortunately for Moxon, the gorilla robot sucked at chess and had the temper of actor Russell Crowe. And, much like Crowe (Bad Ass Factor 7 out of 10), after losing at chess, the robot squeezed Moxon’s head off and set the scientist’s house on fire. However, unlike Crowe, it didn’t pee on the couch and have sex with whatever was in the refrigerator.