Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

Francine Of course, the sandwiches.

  Chanal While they’re still cold.

  Francine (sitting to eat) I’m starving.

  Massenay I suppose she wants me to say it’s my fault.

  He, too, sits to eat. They are either side of Chanal.

  Chanal (trying to lighten the mood) Don’t be such a bear.

  Massenay Me? What did I say? Did I say anything?

  Francine No, it was the cat.

  Massenay (munching) She’s the one who lost her temper. Just because I summoned up all my courage, and asked, ever so gently…

  Francine Gently!

  Massenay We’re not allowed questions any more.

  They eat, pointedly.

  Chanal Children … little ones … Life is so short … you squander it …

  Either side of him, they lift eyes, arms and forks to heaven simultaneously.

  It’s pointless.

  They glare at him.

  No, pointless. If you sat down and had a rational, quiet conversation every time, instead of –

  Massenay Exactly. If I’ve said that once …

  Chanal All right, let’s start with you. Suppose you asked quietly, calmly, ‘My darling, where have you been?’

  Massenay I do.

  Chanal You don’t. You say, (Roaring.) ‘Darling, where have you been?’ If you’d said, (Sugar-sweet.) ‘D’you realise it’s three o’clock?’, she’d have answered, ‘I’m sorry, darling’ – you see, two love-birds, cooing together? – ‘I went to a funeral. The Duchaumel funeral.’

  Massenay (taken aback) The Duchaumel funeral?

  Francine (crisply) Exactly.

  Massenay That was today?

  Francine I’ll give you three guesses.

  Massenay Oh lord, I forgot.

  Francine Ha!

  Massenay Did anyone … did anyone notice?

  Francine Of course they didn’t notice.

  Massenay How embarrassing.

  Chanal You see? It’s easy. Now … get up.

  Massenay What?

  Chanal Get up.

  He tries to take the tray so that he’ll stand up.

  Massenay I haven’t finished.

  Chanal (snatching it) You have. Time to kiss and make up.

  Massenay You’re joking.

  Chanal No, no …

  He pulls him centre stage, like a reluctant child, then goes back for Francine.

  Chanal You too.

  Francine (letting herself be led) I’ll do it this time. But I warn you, one day he’ll make me so angry …

  Chanal (humouring) Of course he will. Now then …

  He pushes them together.

  How about a great big kiss?

  Francine stands glacially still. Massenay pecks her cheek.

  Francine He’ll go too far one day.

  Massenay (to Chanal) You hear? You hear?

  Francine I’ll be sorry afterwards, but it’ll be too late.

  Chanal Children …

  Massenay Now you’ve warned me, I’ll be watching.

  Francine You wouldn’t see an affair if you fell over it. The husband’s always the last to know. Isn’t that right, Alcide?

  Chanal Please leave me out of it.

  Francine We’ll see! We’ll see!

  She stalks L.

  Massenay Oh yes. We’ll see!

  He stalks R. Pause. Enter Madeleine.

  Massenay What do you want?

  Madeleine Madame asked me to bring this dress.

  Francine Thank you.

  Madeleine It wasn’t in the wardrobe, Madame. You’d put it out for sponging.

  Massenay (as Francine takes the dress) Just a minute. You’re not going to put it on in here?

  Francine (unbuttoning her dress) Whyever not?

  Massenay He’s here.

  Francine He doesn’t mind.

  Chanal I don’t really count.

  Massenay Of course you count!

  Madeleine After all, Madame’s first husband.

  Massenay Who asked your opinion?

  Francine (sweetly to her) Never mind Monsieur. Thank you, Madeleine.

  She takes off her blouse.

  Massenay This is incredible.

  Chanal You’re jealous. Of me.

  Massenay Of course I’m not jealous. This is the sitting-room. Never mind. Oh, never mind.

  He sulks·, elaborately. Francine, assisted by Madeleine, removes her skirt. Chanal is there, amiably there. This very fact seems to infuriate Massenay, who suddenly springs on him and turns him through 180 degrees, to face the other way. Then, ashamed that this might be taken for jealousy, he starts playing the effusive host.

  Massenay My dear old fellow.

  He puts his arm round Chanal’s neck, so as to keep him turned away.

  Massenay How are you? Dear old friend. How long is it now?

  Chanal A year.

  He turns his head, with deliberate nonchalance. Massenay turns it back.

  Massenay Fancy that. Me, too.

  Chanal Well, well, well.

  Same business.

  Massenay Well, well, well.

  Chanal You never can tell.

  Massenay That’s just what I say.

  Same business.

  Chanal You’re cricking my neck.

  Massenay Am not.

  Chanal Are so.

  Francine (who has put on her skirt) Fasten me up, Madeleine.

  Madeleine I can’t, Madame. I haven’t got the fingers.

  If it was kneading bread …

  Francine Perhaps Monsieur …

  Massenay (to Chanal) She means me. Stay exactly where you are.

  Francine Not you. You’re clumsy.

  Massenay Fine. Whatever you like.

  He sulks.

  Francine (to Chanal) Please, darling.

  Chanal Of course, darling.

  He buttons the skirt. Massenay paces, sulks, loses his temper completely, finally runs and pushes him out of the way.

  Massenay Enough! Enough!

  All Oh.

  Francine What are you doing?

  Massenay has grabbed the blouse and is trying to force it over her head.

  Massenay Will … you … put … this … on?

  Francine Stop it, you’ll tear it.

  Massenay Get your head in!

  Chanal I say …

  Massenay (to Madelaine) You: go. Knead bread, do anything you like, just go.

  Madeleine Yes, Monsieur.

  She gathers up the clothes and exit, fast.

  Massenay You’re making me look an idiot.

  Francine You hardly need us for that.

  Massenay You’re my wife. You’ll do exactly as I say.

  Francine Be very careful.

  Massenay Why?

  Francine I’ve had just about enough, that’s why.

  Massenay You’ve had enough? I’ve had enough.

  Francine Right. Remember: you’re responsible.

  Massenay Don’t start again. ‘I’ take a lover.’ Take one! See if I care! Take one and be done with it.

  Francine Don’t worry, I will.

  Massenay Get on with it, then.

  He goes to his study door. Chanal chases after him.

  Chanal You won’t win. A woman’s fury …

  Massenay Leave me alone!

  Exit. He leaves the door open.

  Chanal What a Bluebeard. (Following him off) Massenay … Émile … old chap …

  Doorbell, off.

  Francine Take a lover! Right! I’ll take one! I’ll take one now.

  Étienne shows in Coustillou.

  Étienne This way, Monsieur.

  Exit Étienne.

  Francine Coustillou! (Casting her eyes to heaven.) Oh, thank you, thank you.

  Coustillou (as articulate as always). Eugh … mooh … Mada … eugh … ooh …

  Francine (grappling herself to his arm) We have to talk.

  Coustillou Moooah …

  Francine You love me. Don’t you?


  Coustillou (alarmed) No! I don’t! No!

  Francine You don’t?

  Coustillou I do. Yes. No. Eugh. I don’t know what I mean.

  Francine Never mind. All that matters is, I’m yours.

  She pivots round on his arm till she’s spread across his chest.

  Do anything you like with me.

  Coustillou Pa … pa … Pardon?

  Francine (impatiently) Get on with it.

  Coustillou Ohh. Mooaaah.

  He collapses on to the piano stool, so that Francine is in his lap.

  Francine What’s the matter? Oh, you’re not going to … This isn’t the …

  Coustillou No, no. Francine, Francine. Oh, oh. You don’t –

  Francine I do.

  Coustillou Mooah … mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

  He showers her with kisses.

  Francine That’s better. Don’t stop!

  Coustillou I won’t.

  More kisses.

  Francine Yes, yes! More, more!

  Enter Chanal. Unseen by them, he takes in what’s happening, throws his arms disgustedly in the air and goes back out to fetch Massenay. The lovers continue. Doorbell, off.

  Francine Someone’s at the door. Quick. This way.

  Coustillou What?

  Francine (pulling him to the door of her sitting-room) In here. Come on.

  Coustillou Yes. Eugh …

  In his confusion he has knocked over a chair. He bends to pick it up.

  Francine Leave it! You can sort it later!

  Exit.

  Coustillou Francine, oh Francine!

  He follows her out, fast, still bent double. Just as the door shuts behind them, Chanal appears like a bullet from a gun out of Massenay’s sitting-room. He is dragging Massenay by the hand, like a reluctant child.

  Chanal Come on!

  Massenay What is it?

  Chanal I told you before: a woman’s fury…

  Massenay No, please. Not more about my wife.

  Chanal You’ll thank me later.

  Massenay I won’t. I won’t.

  He covers his ears. Étienne opens the main door for Belgence.

  Massenay Belgence! I’m so glad to see you.

  Exit Étienne.

  Chanal You have to listen.

  Massenay Can’t you see I’ve got a visitor?

  Chanal I’m telling you your wife’s …

  Massenay What wife? I have no wife.

  Chanal That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

  Massenay Fine. Tell me later. Go in there. At once.

  Chanal (as he is pushed unceremoniously into Massenay’s study) But…

  Massenay shuts the door behind him and goes smiling to greet Belgence.

  Massenay My dear Belgence, I’m so glad to see you. Where have you been hiding, all these months?

  Belgence Oh, you know …

  Massenay My wife … my ex-wife … d’you see her at all these days? How is she?

  Belgence Oh, you know …

  Massenay I was a fool, you know. I should never have … We were so happy. How things have changed! For her, too, I suspect. It was a blow to her, too. And now she’s all alone … (Sighing.) Aah. (With an effort.) Never mind. What’s done is done. Water under the bridge. (False joviality.) Eh? Eh? What brings you here this fine morning?

  Belgence That’s just it. I’m getting married.

  Massenay Please be careful. You never know what might happen. If it turns sour. I mean, take me –

  Belgence This won’t turn sour.

  Massenay Ha! We all think that. And then it’s too late. D’you know the woman, through and through?

  Belgence Oh yes.

  Massenay Can’t be done.

  Belgence It can. She’s your wife.

  Massenay What?

  Belgence Your ex-wife. Sophie.

  Massenay leaps at him and shakes him like a cherry tree.

  Massenay You’re marrying my wife?

  Belgence (half choked) What of it?

  Massenay (pushing him away) You’re out of your mind. Why did you come here? D’you want me to be best man? Oh, no. Oh, no.

  Belgence Don’t tell me you mind.

  Massenay Me? Mind?

  Belgence You want to keep her a spinster always?

  Massenay What? No! Do what you like. It’s nothing to me. None of my business. It’s up to the pair of you, entirely.

  Belgence That’s exactly what I said. But Sophie said … I should ask your permission first.

  Massenay Permission first?

  Belgence Permission. First.

  Massenay Who does she think I am, her father? Her mother? What’s it got to do with me?

  Belgence That’s exactly what I said. But she said, no permission, no wedding.

  Massenay You’re joking.

  Belgence She knows we’re old friends. She doesn’t want to come between us.

  Massenay Very thoughtful.

  Belgence It’s nothing to you. You said so. Why should you care who she marries, me or anyone?

  Massenay Fine. I’ll write you a note. I’ll give you a licence.

  Belgence (overjoyed) Thank you. I must rush and tell her. She’s in a cab, downstairs.

  Massenay (eagerly) You mean … ? (Catching himself, feigning indifference.) A cab, you say? Downstairs, you say?

  Belgence I know! Come down and tell her in person. Save yourself writing.

  Massenay Me go to her? You’re joking. Did she come to me?

  Belgence She said she couldn’t.

  Massenay Whyever not?

  Belgence Because your wife was here.

  Massenay Francine? Ha! She fills the house with husbands. There’s one in there, right now.

  Belgence You wouldn’t mind?

  Massenay It’s a special occasion.

  Belgence If I’d realised …

  Massenay (trying to stay light) I mean, why don’t you … Why doesn’t she … ? I mean if she wants to …

  Belgence What a friend you are!

  Massenay Well, you know me.

  He rings.

  Belgence This is marvellous. (Seriously.) Oh … when she comes, when you talk to her, if you could see your way … flatter me a little … mention my good qualities …

  Massenay Which ones are those?

  Belgence Coming from you, it’d have authority.

  Massenay I’ll see what I can do.

  Enter Étienne.

  Étienne Did you ring, Monsieur?

  Massenay Telephone the concierge. There’s a lady in a cab downstairs. Ask him to tell her Monsieur Belgence would like her to come upstairs.

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur.

  Exit. Massenay is standing with his back to the study door. Chanal comes out, and taps him nervously on the shoulder.

  Chanal Excuse me.

  Massenay (rounding on him) I … will … not … talk … about … my … wife.

  Chanal It isn’t that. Just listen.

  Massenay Oh, for heaven’s sake. What?

  Chanal The thing is …

  Massenay has moved, so that Chanal and Belgence can see each other. They incline their heads as strangers do.

  Massenay Let me introduce you. (To Belgence.) Monsieur Chanal, my current wife’s ex-husband.

  Belgence Monsieur.

  Massenay (to Chanal) Monsieur Belgence, my ex-wife’s future husband.

  Chanal Congratulations.

  Belgence Thank you.

  Pause. Then Massenay is back where he was before the etiquette.

  Massenay Well, what is it?

  Chanal (piteously) I’m in there. There’s nobody.

  Massenay Read a magazine.

  Chanal I would, but have you any cigarettes? I’ve forgotten mine.

  Massenay You know I don’t smoke. There’s a box of cigars in there. You gave them to me. Your wedding present.

  Chanal Thank you. No, don’t worry, I’ll find them. (To Belgence.) Monsieur.

  Belgence Monsieur.

  Exit Chanal
.

  Massenay Belgence, I’m sorry.

  Belgence No, no. I’m overwhelmed.

  Massenay Pardon?

  Belgence I know you’re still cross with Sophie.

  Massenay Me?

  Belgence No, no, you are. She doesn’t deserve it, really. She’s not cross with you.

  Massenay Funny way of showing it.

  Belgence You don’t understand. She was young. Her head full of daft ideas. Fidelity in marriage … they told her that applied to husbands.

  Massenay They didn’t.

  Belgence If I’d ten francs for every time she’s said how sorry she was she’d been so hard on you –

  Massenay (pricking up his ears) What? (Feigning indifference) Ah.

  Belgence I’d be a millionaire.

  Massenay You’re joking.

  Belgence Scout’s honour.

  Étienne (showing in Sophie) In here, Madame.

  Belgence Ah!

  Massenay (rushing to her, exalted) You came!

  Sophie The concierge said …

  Massenay You really said it? You were sorry. If you’d known you wouldn’t have …

  Sophie What are you talking about?

  Massenay Belgence told me. Himself. Just now.

  Belgence I thought he was still cross. I just said … you were sorry you were so hard on him before.

  Sophie What? Why did you tell him – ?

  Massenay You did? You did?

  Sophie I certainly didn’t mean that he could –

  Massenay Why did you say it, if you didn’t mean it? Why did you?

  Belgence (seeing the way the wind is blowing) I say…

  Sophie You know very well why.

  Massenay I didn’t deserve it. A moment’s indiscretion. Meaningless. Did you think how miserable you’d make me?

  Belgence I say, Massenay … Massenay …

  Massenay Stay out of this. (To Sophie.) You knew I loved you.

  Belgence Hey!

  Sophie Oh, you loved me?

  Massenay Of course I loved you. I did.

  Belgence Look, do you mind?

  Massenay I said, stay out of it.

  Belgence But just a minute …

  Sophie You loved me so much you went looking for other women.

  Massenay That’s not important.

  Sophie Not for a man. But what about me? I loved you.

  Belgence Oh!

  Massenay You can’t have done. Or if you did, you cured yourself.

  Sophie Who says I did?

  Massenay You’re marrying Belgence.

  Belgence Thank you.

  Sophie What does that prove? He knows I like him, but he knows I don’t love him.

  Massenay (overjoyed) That’s right! (Superbly.) And, that being so, you’ve no right at all to marry him.

  Belgence What d’you mean, no right?