Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

  Chanal Yes.

  Pause.

  Are you sure Madame’s coming back?

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur, for lunch. She said you were coming. ‘My ex-husband’s coming,’ she said. ‘Make sure he waits.’

  Chanal You mean she said, ‘I’ll make sure he waits.’

  Étienne (not realising the irony) No, Monsieur.

  Chanal (looking at his watch) Quarter past two. I thought, ‘I’ll say I’ll be there at one, I’ll turn up at half past, that should be just about …’ I should have known. Madame and time! I could have added another hour.

  Étienne (dusting) Madame and time! Even in the old days –

  Chanal H’m.

  Étienne And still! The way Monsieur goes on.

  Chanal Me?

  Étienne No, Monsieur. The new Monsieur.

  Chanal Ah.

  Étienne (throwing his arms in the air and casting his eyes to heaven, melodramatically) Like that, Monsieur.

  Chanal Well, I’m not sorry it’s someone else these days.

  He looks at the top of Étienne’s head, as Étienne has bent to dust a side-table.

  Chanal Étienne, you’ve been tearing your hair.

  Étienne No, Monsieur. It does that by itself.

  Chanal Just a minute … Shouldn’t that table be in the hall?

  Étienne Madame prefers it here.

  Chanal Everything has to be different.

  Étienne We say that all the time, Monsieur. In the kitchen. Among ourselves.

  Chanal We bought that table for the hall. Ah well. Étienne …

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur?

  Chanal Apart from the furniture, how are things?

  Étienne (not getting the point) Not too bad, Monsieur.

  Chanal Really?

  Étienne The wife and I, we’ve had a little boy.

  Chanal (taken by surprise) Oh. Congratulations. (Driving on.) No, I meant, how is Madame?

  Étienne Not too bad, Monsieur.

  Chanal Good.

  Étienne (still dusting) I mean, it wasn’t an easy pregnancy.

  Chanal Whose pregnancy?

  Étienne Madame my wife’s.

  Chanal Ah.

  Étienne I mean, it was premature. Five months.

  Chanal Oh, Étienne, I’m so sorry.

  Étienne No, Monsieur. He’s fine. He weighed eleven pounds.

  Chanal And he was premature?

  Étienne The doctor said we were very lucky. Who could know how big he’d have been if he’d gone nine months?

  Chanal You counted wrong.

  Étienne No, Monsieur. My wife had spent six months with Madame’s cousins in the country, and she’d been back six months. So –

  Chanal I understand.

  Étienne You know, Monsieur: the Captain.

  Chanal I guessed it would be.

  Étienne He looks just like me.

  Chanal The Captain?

  Étienne The baby.

  Chanal A dutiful son. I mean, no one forces him …

  Étienne Would you like to see him, Monsieur?

  Chanal Well, I came to see Madame …

  Étienne So you did, Monsieur. And here she comes.

  Enter Francine.

  Francine My dear Monsieur Chanal, I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. Étienne, make me a sandwich, would you? I’m absolutely –

  Étienne Yes, Madame.

  Exit. At once her tone towards Chanal lightens.

  Francine Alcide! I’m so sorry! Have you been waiting long?

  Chanal Three-quarters of an hour.

  Francine That’s a relief. I thought I’d kept you waiting. It’s an awkward day, that’s all. Hours at the dressmaker, and then the funeral. I couldn’t put them off.

  Chanal Especially the funeral.

  Francine All those Duchaumels!

  Chanal What, all of them?

  Francine Don’t be silly. Just the granny. The rich old granny. Eighteen million francs …

  Chanal They took it hard?

  Francine Singing, dancing, the food, the drink, the fireworks … I mean, not in church …

  Chanal Not even Roman candles?

  Francine Sorry?

  Chanal Blessed by the Pope.

  Francine Alcide!

  Chanal Anyway, she had a good send-off.

  Francine Oh yes.

  She sits and wriggles a little with pleasure.

  It is good to see you.

  Chanal You too.

  Francine You know what it’s like. When people have been married … they’re attached.

  Chanal Unbreakably. Unbreakable bonds. All Nature cries, ‘Never break those bonds.’

  Francine Oh, Alcide.

  Chanal The first husband’s always the real one.

  Francine (flirting) Shh! He could have heard you.

  Chanal If he could have heard, I wouldn’t have said it. (Passionately.) Unbreakable! I’ll prove it. I’m here. I shouldn’t be here, I’ve no business to be here. The ex-husband, yesterday’s business. (Change of tone) Business, that reminds me. A year since the divorce, we have to sign some papers. Both of us, sign. I’ve got them with me. (Passionate) But I’d have come anyway. I had to. It’s bigger than both of us. I’ve only got three days in Paris. I thought, ‘I must see how they are.’

  Francine Alcide.

  Chanal I know it’s not done. Good heavens! But if the wife, the husband, the ex-husband … if none of them object … If an ex-husband and an ex-wife … they can still be friends …

  Francine Oh, darling.

  Chanal (loving this, but pretending mock seriousness) I say! Tut, tut!

  He sits on the stool at her feet, passionately.

  Francine It just slipped out.

  Chanal But Massenay – don’t you think you should ask his permission to call me darling?

  Francine He didn’t ask your permission, before he –

  Chanal That’s right, he didn’t.

  Francine And that was much more serious.

  Chanal You’re telling me.

  Francine Well, then.

  She goes to sit on the piano stool.

  I wish he had asked your permission. Because if he had, you’d have said Out of the question’.

  Chanal Ab-solutely.

  Francine And we’d still be married.

  She sighs. He sighs. She goes to him, rueful.

  Oh darling, I never knew what I had. If wives have lovers, just now and then, and their husbands gave permission, marriage would be so much happier.

  Chanal Of course. But people! (He shrugs at the stupidity and rigidity of the world. Then changes tone.) You are all right?

  Francine Not really.

  Chanal Massenay?

  Francine You should hear him. When he was cheating you, that was fine. Now he’s the husband, he shouts, he rages, he tears his hair. Jealous. No reason. I’m a loyal wife. I don’t have lovers. I mean, you’d know, wouldn’t you? I wouldn’t not tell you.

  Chanal Thank you.

  Francine There are times when he … when we … when I could throw myself into the arms of the first man who came along. Give him good reason to be jealous.

  Chanal Francine, darling …

  Francine You don’t know what he’s like. None of his old friends are allowed to call. Men friends, I mean. As if that ever stopped a wife from … Except Coustillou. He’s not afraid of Coustillou.

  Chanal Well, Coustillou …

  Francine Ever since that fight they had, they’ve been like that. Coustillou was best man at our wedding. He still falls over the furniture. Émile trusts him. It’s crazy.

  She is fiddling with her hair in font of the mirror.

  Isn’t he here? Émile? Didn’t he stay to see you?

  Chanal He had to go out. So Étienne said. (Change of tone.) So that’s what it’s like!

  Francine You sound as if you’re pleased.

  Chanal Good heavens, no.

  Francine Oh!

  Chanal What am I saying? I’m sorry f
or your sake. But what d’you think I’d think, if I asked how you were and you said, ‘Darling, much happier than when you were here’?

  Francine (affectionately) Selfish!

  Chanal Just human.

  Enter Étienne with a plate of sandwiches on a salver. He goes to the piano.

  Francine Put it on the little table. Where’s it gone?

  Chanal Where’s what gone?

  Étienne It’s all right. It’s here.

  Francine Someone’s moved it?

  Chanal I did. Sorry. It was in the wrong place.

  Francine (affectionately) You never change.

  Chanal I’ve a tidy mind.

  Étienne puts down the salver, brings the table, spreads a cloth and starts laying out the lunch things.

  Francine Did Monsieur go out?

  Étienne He waited to have lunch till you came home, Madame, and when you didn’t he put his hat on and went out. No lunch. He said, ‘We’ll see what she’s up to this time.’

  Francine Did he?

  Étienne He didn’t seem pleased.

  Francine Ah well. Étienne, you remember Monsieur?

  Étienne Oh, yes, Madame. We’re delighted to see him.

  Chanal Thanks, Étienne. Who’s we?

  Étienne Myself and Madeleine, Monsieur.

  Chanal Your wife.

  Étienne If she could say hello, she’d be so pleased, Monsieur.

  Chanal Of course she can. You don’t mind, darling – ?

  Francine Of course not.

  Étienne Oh, Monsieur, she’ll be so happy. (At the servants’ door, talking as if to a pet) Come in. It’s all right. Madame says you can. (To them.) She was just outside. In case she caught a glimpse as Monsieur passed by …

  Enter Madeleine, wiping her hands on her cook’s apron.

  Madeleine Oh, Monsieur.

  Chanal My dear Madeleine. How nice to see you.

  Madeleine How are you, Monsieur? I hope … I hope you’re well.

  Chanal Fine, fine. And you?

  Madeleine Not bad, Monsieur. Oh, but it’s not the same! I’m sorry, Madame. It’s not that Monsieur isn’t … but this Monsieur … Oh, Monsieur, you spoiled us.

  Chanal Spoiled you?

  Étienne That’s the word, Monsieur.

  Chanal You think I spoiled you?

  Madeleine, Étienne (in chorus) Oh yes, Monsieur.

  Chanal Oh, come on …

  Francine Yes, Madeleine. If that’s …

  Madeleine Yes, Madame.

  Francine You can’t stand chattering here all afternoon.

  Madeleine No, Madame. It’s just … Madame … When Monsieur …

  Francine The kitchen. Thank you.

  Madeleine Yes, Madame. Goodbye, Monsieur.

  Chanal Goodbye, Madeleine.

  Francine Oh, Madeleine?

  Madeleine Yes, Madame?

  Francine Tell Marie I need her.

  Madeleine Marie went out, Madame.

  Francine In that case, you do it. My sitting-room … the dress I was wearing yesterday. Bring it in here, please.

  Madeleine Yes, Madame.

  Exit.

  Francine I must change out of this. It’s all right for a funeral, but … (The dress is remarkably festive.)

  Étienne Here’s Monsieur, Monsieur.

  Enter Massenay, in a foul mood.

  Massenay (seeing Francine) I should think so, too.

  He thrusts his coat and hat at Étienne.

  Massenay Bring me a sandwich.

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur.

  Exit. Massenay strides down to Chanal as if complaining to him, man to man.

  Massenay Half past two and still no lunch.

  Chanal Good to see you too.

  Massenay (changed tone) Sorry. (Shaking hands.) Good afternoon. (Back to his grouch.) I don’t know what it was like when you were here. All I ask is, Madame lets me know when exactly I can expect some lunch.

  Francine You could have had it any time you liked.

  Massenay I didn’t get married to eat a private lunch!

  Francine In any case, if you’d been here … I’ve been back for ages.

  Massenay (marching to confront her nose to nose) That’s a lie. You came back fifteen minutes ago. The concierge told me.

  Francine You take evidence from him these days?

  Massenay (huge) Where have you been?

  Francine Ask the concierge.

  Massenay (as if about to leap at her) Francine.

  Francine (scornfully; demurely) Yes?

  Massenay (controlling himself, furious with himself) Ohh.

  Chanal Children. Little ones. Don’t argue today of all days. Today I’m here.

  Francine Today’s no different from any other day.

  Massenay Exactly! You’ll tell me in a minute you had lunch with your mother. Well, you didn’t. I’ve been there and you didn’t. I wanted cards on the table. You haven’t had lunch there since Saturday.

  Francine You went specially to ask her? You could have stayed at home. I could have told you, I’ve had lunch here every day this week. Or d’you think I eat two lunches?

  Massenay (sulky) Don’t be ridiculous.

  Francine Today, for example. Look: a sandwich. Waiting. If you’d looked before you roared …

  Massenay Fine. One lunch, two lunches, what does it matter? What matters is where you are till the middle of the afternoon.

  Francine (losing her own temper) I’ve had enough of this.

  Chanal Little ones –

  Massenay Stay out of it.

  Francine I’m at my lover’s. Satisfied?

  Massenay Oh, I believe you.

  Francine What?

  Massenay Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.

  Francine What did you say?

  Massenay You heard.

  Chanal Er …

  Francine I’ve had other lovers?

  Massenay Of course you have.

  Francine Name one.

  Massenay Good heavens: me!

  Francine, Chanal Ah.

  Massenay You see?

  Francine I suppose that was my fault.

  Massenay It wasn’t anybody’s fault –

  Enter Émile with another sandwich. Frosty silence. He dithers, trying to find the other little table.

  Massenay For heaven’s sake stop fiddling and faddling and put it over there!

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur. (As he sets the table, he babbles.) I didn’t know which you wanted, so I brought salt, pepper, French mustard, English mustard …

  Massenay Fine! Marvellous! Brilliant! Go, go, go!

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur.

  Exit. The scene picks up at the level it was before he entered.

  Massenay I’m not blaming anyone. I’m saying if it happened with me, it could happen with anyone.

  Francine (to Chanal) Did you hear what he said?

  Chanal Massenay …

  Massenay It’s easy to talk. But it’s what’s in here (Tapping his head) that counts. And what’s in here says that if a wife lets it happen once … Ha!

  Chanal You really mean this?

  Massenay Of course I mean it. She goes out every single day.

  Chanal (trying to placate him) She did in my time.

  Massenay There you are then! We all know what she was doing in your time. Well? D’you blame me for being suspicious? Was I to wait till she told me?

  Francine Oh!

  She goes and stands by Chanal.

  Francine After all I did for him! To think …

  She touches Chanal’s arm.

  Francine I was married to a decent, honest man. And to satisfy that beast, I trampled this decent, honest man …

  She taps him on the chest …

  Trampled him …

  In the stomach …

  Trampled …

  Again …

  Trampled …

  Again.

  Chanal (both mentally and physically uncomfortable) Please leave me out of it …


  Massenay advances on them. He uses Chanal as a punching-ball to emphasise his points, just as she did.

  Massenay Why? That’s all I want to know. Why did you trample him?

  Francine I trampled him because I loved you!

  This accompanied by punching.

  Massenay Loved me?

  Francine Loved you!

  Massenay Really! (To Chanal.) She says she loved me.

  He breaks away. Chanal escapes and sits.

  Chanal I hate this kind of conversation.

  Francine (who hasn’t finished) Yes, loved you! And look where it’s got me. (She is now lecturing.) We women, we make the same mistake, always. We take as lovers men we love. Instead, we should take men who’re in love with us.

  Chanal Or none at all.

  Francine I chose you, and I was wrong. I should have chosen … Coustillou. Yes, Coustillou adored me. (To Chanal.) Didn’t he? He did everything for me. He’d never turn on me, turn on me … ohhh!

  Massenay If it’s Coustillou you want, have him! He’s always here. He’s yours!

  Francine Don’t worry. I will if I want to.

  Massenay (to Chanal, beside himself) You heard her! Your wife! You heard her!

  Francine And whose fault will it be? If all a woman hears, day in day out, is that she must have a lover, don’t you think she ends up looking for one?

  Massenay (nose to nose with her again) You mean you go looking for them?

  Francine How dare you?

  Massenay (with some difficulty: his emotion, and the words themselves, make it difficult to say) Hussy! Slut!

  Francine Say that again!

  Chanal, absolutely furious, picks up one of the salvers and bangs it hard on the floor.

  Chanal Stop that! How dare you! How dare you call my wife a hussyslut?

  Massenay Whose wife a hussyslut?

  Chanal Ah. Your wife a hussyslut. How dare you?

  Massenay D’you mind? Did I interfere, when she was married to you and had all those lovers?

  Chanal What lovers?

  Francine There was only one.

  Chanal Exactly: one.

  Massenay One too many.

  Francine Oh!

  Massenay In any case, this is my wife, not your wife, my business, not your business.

  He and Francine glare at each other, then stalk to opposite sides of the stage. Chanal sits between them, his head in his hands. He tries several times to speak, lifting his head, then drops it again in despair. Finally:

  Chanal Little ones …

  Francine (pointedly) You’re absolutely right. Darling. I don’t know why I lower myself to argue.

  Massenay Ha!

  Chanal Why don’t you both sit down, eat your sandwiches …