Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

  Plumard She’ll be here directly. (Aside.) What a delightful man. I feel I could tell him anything.

  Lemercier D’you mind if I put on my overcoat? This time of year, whenever I take it off, I freeze.

  He takes his coat from the dog-basket, which it’s been hiding.

  Plumard A dog!

  Lemercier It’s a surprise. Don’t tell her!

  Enter Pépita.

  Pépita Monsieur, I’m sorry to keep you waiting.

  Lemercier (hiding the basket) Just what I was going to say.

  Pépita Do sit down.

  Lemercier Just what I was going to say, again.

  They sit. Same business as before.

  Pépita Now, Monsieur … ?

  Lemercier Oh, yes. (Aside) My God, she’s beautiful!

  Pépita Yes?

  Lemercier Dear Madame, I came to lay at your feet –

  Pépita A song? Of course! You’re a young composer.

  Lemercier Well, I am young. I’ve been young for years. But I’m not a composer. No no, it’s this darling little doggy.

  He reveals the basket.

  Pépita A doggy!

  Lemercier I’m sorry to hand him over so … unsubtly. I did hide him in a big, big box of chocolates, but he ate them all. And the box.

  Pépita It’s very kind of you, Monsieur. But I don’t quite –

  Lemercier Don’t you see? Woofles!

  Pépita Woofles?

  Lemercier Woofles. You lost him, I found him, Woofles.

  Plumard Ha! Woofles! That?

  Lemercier He isn’t?

  Pépita Oh, no, Monsieur. My Woofles is a doggy’s head.

  Lemercier Decapitated?

  Pépita Diamonds.

  Lemercier Diamonds. Ah. Excuse me … d’you mind if I … ? My overcoat. I don’t know about you, but in this weather I’m always either too … or too …

  Pépita So this Woofles isn’t my Woofles after all.

  Lemercier I quite see that. Of course, I quite see that. But it is the thought that counts.

  Pépita Oh yes, Monsieur.

  Lemercier Errare humanum est.

  Pépita I don’t speak Swedish, sorry.

  Lemercier That’s a relief. I don’t either.

  Plumard Don’t be embarrassed. Thousands of people don’t. This reminds me of a day last week. Last Friday. I was fishing. In the river. Nothing. Then all at once, a bite! ‘Aha!’ I said to myself. ‘A pike!’ It was a toupée.

  Lemercier A toupée?

  Plumard A hairpiece. A wig. Someone’s hairpiece.

  Lemercier I don’t see the connection …

  Plumard I didn’t say there was a connection. I said it reminded me … (Aside.) Pedant!

  Lemercier Madame, I’m so dreadfully sorry …

  Pépita (smiling sweetly) Not at all, Monsieur.

  Plumard We’re the ones who’re sorry. For your sake. I mean, there was a small reward. We’d have given you it gladly. But since you brought a dog, not a dog, you do understand … I mean, under the circ –

  Pépita Darling.

  Plumard Yes, darling?

  Pépita Go and play with Baby, there’s a darling.

  Plumard goes with great dignity to me door, then says aside:

  Plumard I’m going, because I don’t want to look a fool. But just wait till five o’clock. He’s in for such a shock!

  Exit.

  Pépita I do apologise for my husband. He’s a joker, he likes to make jokes.

  Lemercier A man of infinite jest and fancy. Yes. He doesn’t look it, but he is.

  Enter Taupinier.

  Taupinier Sorry I took so long. It’s not been handed in.

  Lemercier (aside) Another of ’em!

  Pépita (introducing them) Monsieur Taupinier … Monsieur Lemercier …

  Taupinier Delighted.

  Lemercier Just what I was going to say.

  Taupinier My father knew a Monsieur Lemercier. His dustman. You’re not by any chance … ?

  Lemercier Not as such.

  Taupinier No, you’re right. If you were, you’d be dead by now. You were poorly even when I knew you. What a pity: we could have talked over old times.

  He takes Pépita apart to talk to her.

  Lemercier The loss is mine, Monsieur. (Aside) Time I was going. (Aloud.) Madame, it’s time I … Delighted to have met you, o formosa puella.

  Pépita You say the nicest things. Goodbye, Monsieur.

  Lemercier Not in the least. Er … I’ll take my dog. Come on, Woofles.

  He gathers everything but his umbrella, and exit.

  Taupinier Who on earth was that?

  Pépita Some idiot. Never mind. Did you get the paper?

  Taupinier Yes. Here.

  Pépita Quick! Ah! (Reading.) ‘The crime at Suresnes. Description of assassin. The ass –’

  Taupinier An ass, was he?

  Pépita Don’t be silly. Listen. ‘The assassin was the victim’s ex-lover. Name: Lemercier.’ Oh, my God! ‘He vanished last night, and no one knows his present whereabouts.’ Oh no!

  Taupinier He couldn’t be … !

  Pépita Of course he could. They’re clever, assassins. Fiendish.

  Taupinier You are silly.

  Pépita (reading) ‘We publish this description, in case it jogs anyone’s memory. Police are on the lookout for a man in his early forties, with chestnut hair.’ I told you!

  Taupinier Our Lemercier’s was white.

  Pépita Of course it was: guilty conscience. People often turn white overnight. Or perhaps, a wig.

  Taupinier (impressed) You’re right.

  Pépita This is terrible. (Reading.) ‘Chestnut hair, brown eyes.’ My God, I never noticed what colour his eyes were. Did you?

  Taupinier No, I forgot.

  Pépita ‘Nose, ordinary; mouth, ordinary; teeth all present except for third left-side molar.’ A clue! Third left-side molar. ‘Height, one metre sixty-six.’ How high is that?

  Taupinier My God: his height!

  Pépita ‘Strawberry mark on right thigh.’ The right thigh! ‘Red flannel underwear.’ This is going to be hard to check. My God, to think I had a murderer here, in my own front room!

  Doorbell.

  Taupinier Someone’s at the door.

  Pépita It’s all right, I’m out. My God, look: his umbrella. It may be a clue. Here, quick!

  They open the umbrella and peer into it.

  Taupinier Looks harmless enough to me.

  Enter Lemercier.

  Lemercier I’m sorry, but I think I left my –

  Pépita and Taupinier (jumping) It’s him!

  Lemercier My umbrella. Goodness. Is it raining in here?

  Pépita Yes, er, no. We were going for a walk. It’s been terrible weather now for weeks …

  Taupinier Never go without an umbrella.

  Lemercier Just what I was going to say. That’s why I came for mine.

  Pépita (stopping him before he takes it and goes) You’re very kind, but we couldn’t dream of letting you go out in weather like this. Please do sit down.

  Lemercier Just what I was going to say.

  He takes a chair C, and sits.

  Pépita (aside to Taupinier) It’s him. Brown eyes.

  Taupinier And an ordinary nose.

  Pépita And just look at his mouth!

  Lemercier (aside) What are they staring at? Ah! Got it! (Aloud) I understand.

  Pépita and Taupinier (jumping) Ah!

  Lemercier You’re obviously wondering what’s happened to Woofles. I got rid of him.

  Pépita You murdered him?

  Lemercier Good heavens no. I gave him away.

  Pépita Gave him away?

  Taupinier How heavy was he?

  Lemercier Oh, light. No, no, I didn’t give him a weigh, I gave him away. To the little girl downstairs. She wanted a Woofles, I had a Woofles, she was delighted. Her mother wasn’t: she preferred the cat.

  Taupinier What cat?

  Lemercier Any cat! Ha,
ha, ha.

  Pépita and Taupinier Ha, ha, ha.

  Pépita It was very thoughtful of you.

  Taupinier (to her) He’s an idiot.

  Lemercier (getting up) Now, Madame, if you don’t mind … the time has come … (He takes off his overcoat.) … to take off my coat. This weather!

  Pépita Not at all. Put it over the chair, there. (To Taupinier.) This is your chance. Measure him.

  Taupinier What?

  Pépita See how tall he is.

  Taupinier How can I?

  Pépita Try.

  Taupinier fetches the metre rule and starts following Lemercier about, trying to measure him without being noticed.

  Lemercier (folding his coat to put it neatly over the chairback) In this weather, you understand, one can’t be too –

  He turns; Taupinier hastily begins twirling the ruler like a dancer’s cane. Lemercier shahs his head in surprise, then turns back. At once Taupinier start trying to measure him again.

  Lemercier As I was saying, you just can’t be too –

  He turns. Taupinier at once pretends to be measuring the table. In his haste to be nonchalant, he sweeps Lemercier’s hat from the table to the floor.

  Lemercier My hat!

  He bends to pick up his hat. Taupinier dashes behind him to measure him. But he can only measure him bending, as Lemercier straightens up at once.

  Taupinier (to himself) No, no. Taller than that.

  Lemercier gives him a hard stare. He goes and pretends to measure the wall.

  Taupinier The wall. Taller. A taller wall…

  Lemercier (aside) Some kind of builder …

  He finishes hanging up his coat. Pépita and Taupinier have a whispered conference.

  Pépita Well?

  Taupinier He won’t stand still.

  Lemercier (aside to himself) What are they doing?

  Taupinier You talk to him. Distract his attention.

  Lemercier (to himself) They’re up to something.

  Pépita So you gave Woofles to the little girl downstairs?

  Taupinier creeps up behind him to measure him, but at the key moment, Lemercier sits down in a chair.

  Lemercier What else could I do?

  Taupinier suddenly realises that Lemercier is staring at him. He makes fencer’s passes with the rule, dances about – and treads accidentally on Lemercier’s foot.

  Lemercier Ow!

  He hops about. Meanwhile:

  Taupinier It’s hopeless.

  Pépita We’ll try something else. Yawn.

  Taupinier Pardon?

  Lemercier Pardon?

  Pépita and Taupinier Nothing!

  Pause.

  Pépita (aside to Taupinier) Yawn, I said.

  Taupinier I don’t want to yawn.

  Lemercier (trying to attract attention) Excuse me …

  Pépita That way we’ll see his tooth. The one that isn’t there.

  She takes a chair and sits on one side of Lemercier. Taupinier does the same on the other side. Business: Taupinier leans towards Lemercier, who leans away towards Pépita. She leans towards him, and he leans away towards Taupinier. They do this at least twice. Then they sit awhile bolt upright. Pause.

  Lemercier All I meant was…

  Pépita yawns, hugely. Lemercier tries Taupinier.

  Lemercier All I meant was …

  Taupinier yawns hugely. Lemercier tries Pépita again.

  Lemercier I have to be very –

  Pépita yawns as before. Lemercier tries Taupinier again.

  Lemercier Very careful. I have to be very –

  Taupinier yawns.

  Lemercier I’m sorry if this is boring you.

  Taupinier Not at all. Do go on.

  He yawns. Lemercier tries to continue, but wherever he turns, they’re yawning.

  Lemercier It’s a complicated medical history … a complicated – (Yawning.) Now I’m doing it.

  He yawns vastly. They jump up to peer into his mouth, but he quickly covers it with his hand.

  I’m so sorry.

  He picks up his chair and moves upstage, muttering:

  They started it.

  The others have another conference.

  Taupinier Now what? The strawberry mark?

  Pépita Right thigh.

  Lemercier I really think I ought to be –

  Taupinier (aside to Pépita) How on earth do we – ?

  Pépita I don’t know. Try, anyway.

  Lemercier goes to put on his coat.

  Pépita You’re not going, Monsieur?

  Lemercier No, no, no, no. I was feeling a little cold, that’s all.

  Pépita Perhaps you’d like something to eat?

  Lemercier Between meals? No thanks.

  Pépita Some fruit, perhaps?

  Taupinier Strawberries. I can always eat strawberries, any time.

  Pépita You must like strawberries.

  Lemercier I like them, but they don’t like me. I had some once, out of season, in February, just like today – and they settled on my stomach.

  Pépita (aside to Taupinier) Did you hear that?

  Taupinier He’s given himself away.

  Lemercier (aside) They’re at it again.

  Pépita Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell him you’re cold.

  Taupinier (to Lemercier) Don’t you find it cold in here?

  Lemercier Yes. Madame, if you don’t mind … my overcoat…

  He starts taking it off.

  Taupinier You’re cold, and you’re taking it on?

  Lemercier I could catch a chill.

  Pépita It’s not coats that stop chills, it’s underwear.

  Lemercier The only thing.

  Pépita And they make it so pretty nowadays.

  Taupinier Stylish, even.

  Pépita All colours.

  Taupinier White.

  Pépita Blue.

  Taupinier Green.

  Pépita Yellow.

  Taupinier Red-white-and-blue. They do. For patriots.

  Lemercier For patriots, of course. (Aside.) Why am I saying this?

  Pépita I wonder, Monsieur … I don’t want to pry … but if you could … I mean, if you wouldn’t mind … What colour is your vest?

  Lemercier Pardon?

  Taupinier Answer! At once! Don’t shilly-shally!

  Lemercier What an odd conversation. My dear Madame –

  Taupinier Don’t wriggle. Confess!

  Pépita (aside) If he says red, he’s caught.

  Lemercier Well, for heaven’s sake. Yellow.

  Pépita (aside to Taupinier) I told you! It’s him! He’s lying!

  Taupinier So he is.

  Pépita We’ve all the evidence we need.

  Taupinier Just look at him, anyway. That shifty eye. No, that one. Look.

  Lemercier (aside, putting on his coat) I’m off.

  Pépita He’s going.

  Taupinier He must have washed off the blood.

  Pépita Have you noticed how he keeps fiddling with that overcoat? On, off, on, off…

  Taupinier Not used to drawing-rooms. You can always tell.

  Lemercier (aside) I’ve had enough. (Aloud) I’m sorry, I’m in your way.

  Pépita Not at all.

  Taupinier Hardly even noticed you.

  Lemercier (aside) It’s turning ugly. Where on earth’s Plumard?

  Pépita (to Taupinier) We’ve got to move fast. You keep him talking; I’ll fetch the police. (To Lemercier.) Excuse me, Monsieur. I leave you with Monsieur.

  Exit.

  Taupinier (aside) Alone with a murderer! Don’t panic …

  Lemercier (aside) Alone with an oaf! How could she … ?

  Taupinier (aside) He mustn’t suspect.

  He hums nonchalantly.

  Lemercier (aside) Humming, now! He needs a lesson, and no mistake.

  Taupinier (aside, looking at him) I’ve never seen a murderer as close as this …

  Lemercier (advancing on him) Excuse me, Monsieur, but what exac
tly are you staring at?

  Taupinier (retreating) Ah. I…

  Lemercier I can’t abide people of your kidney.

  Taupinier (aside) My kidney? Why’s he talking about my kidney? Oh, there’s only one thing for it.

  He marches up to Lemercier, breathing hard to give himself confidence.

  Taupinier Shuf, shuf, shuf, shuf, shuf, shuf, shuf, shuf…

  Lemercier Now he thinks he’s a train.

  Taupinier I’m not who you think I am at all. You think I’m an honest man, a decent, ordinary, boring, everyday sort of man. No, no, no. Ha, ha, ha. I’m a criminal, a criminal.

  Lemercier (starting) What?

  Taupinier As big a criminal as you. Bigger. I murdered my father. I murdered my mother. I murdered my brother … my sister … the window-cleaner … (Aside.) Say something, or I’ll kill the whole neighbourhood. (Aloud.) As soon as that was done, I murdered –

  Lemercier (aside) What’s wrong with him?

  Taupinier Oh, never mind. I took up mass murdering, that’s all.

  Lemercier (aside) And she leaves me alone with him! It’s some kind of trap.

  He backs· away, picking up a chair to defend himself with.

  Taupinier I hate everything, everyone. Except crime, of course … and criminals … That’s why I … (Aside.) I’ve got to go through with this … (Aloud) … I’d like to shake your hand.

  He advances on Lemercier, holding out his hand. Lemercier defends himself with the chair, and Taupinier is left shaking one of its legs.

  Lemercier (aside) What’s he talking about?

  Taupinier I know, you see. I know you’re a criminal. Dyed, double-dyed, oh triple-dyed …

  Lemercier What? Me? Ah! (Aside.) Better humour him. (Aloud.) You’re right, Monsieur!

  He bangs down the chair – on Taupinier’s foot.

  Taupinier Aee!

  Lemercier (holding out his hand) I’m delighted to shake your hand … the hand that dipped itself in the blood of so many victims. We’re soul-mates … soul-mates …

  Taupinier Soul-mates …

  They shake hands.

  Lemercier (aside) What a fiery hand!

  Taupinier (aside) What an icy hand!

  Lemercier As you probably know, I’ve committed hundreds of heinous crimes.

  Taupinier Good heavens, yes. Everyone knows. You’re famous.

  Lemercier I’ve been in the crime business for years.

  Taupinier Me too. My whole life.

  Lemercier Not more than me.

  Taupinier Perhaps.

  Lemercier Oh, really?

  Taupinier I was still in nappies when I started. One day, infuriated past bearing by the fact that my nanny thought more of her soldier friend than she did of me, I bit her to death. The soldier died soon after.