Plays 2
Page 27
Lemercier You bit him too?
Taupinier Broken heart.
Lemercier (aside) My God, what a monster. (Aloud.) That’s nothing. My, er, first exploits began much earlier.
Taupinier They didn’t!
Lemercier Before I was even born, Monsieur. Two of us there were, in my mother’s womb. Me, my twin brother. I snarled at him, ‘This womb isn’t big enough for the both of us,’ and I kicked his little head in. Bam! Bam! (Aside.) Oof!
Taupinier My dear fellow …
They shake hands again. Pause.
Lemercier I knew we’d be friends. Soul-mates. We can tell each other everything. And that reminds me: what brings you here, dear friend?
Taupinier (tapping his nose) There you have it.
Lemercier A crime, eh? You’ve … business … on the go?
Taupinier Murdering business. Murdering … Plumard!
Lemercier (staggered) Plumard!
Taupinier You’re sorry for him?
Lemercier Sorry for him? Sorry? What does that mean, sorry? There’s no such word as sorry.
Taupinier Oh, sorry. No.
Lemercier I tell you what: I’ll help you. We’ll murder him together.
Taupinier Thanks very much.
Lemercier My pleasure. (Aside.) It’s easier than I thought, this murdering. (Aloud.) Just one question: why are we murdering him?
Taupinier Because I love his wife.
Lemercier Sheherazade?
Taupinier I’m mad for her.
Lemercier Mad?
Taupinier Yes, mad, d’you hear, mad.
Lemercier (carried away) Mad, crazy, demented, raving, frantic, wild, berserk, insane …
Taupinier You sound just like a teacher.
Lemercier I am! I am!
Taupinier A teacher?
Lemercier (hastily) Of murderers. In murderer-school. (Aside, collapsing in a chair.) This is harder than I thought.
Taupinier (collapsing in another chair) They teach it in school now! What next?
Enter Plumard. They don’t see him: each is wrapped in his own thoughts. Plumard doesn’t see them. He locks the door and pockets the key.
Plumard (aside) Got him. He can’t get out. The police are downstairs. I’ll go in there, heh, heh, heh, and watch.
He tiptoes to the door L, and exit.
Lemercier (aside) Thank goodness he thinks I’m a murderer, or else he’d murder me.
Taupinier (aside) If he didn’t think I was a murderer, I’d be salami.
Noise, off.
Both Aee!
Dubrochard (off) Open, in the name of the law.
Both The police!
Dubrochard (off) Open up, or I break it down.
Lemercier and Taupinier rush and cling to one another.
Both Don’t panic. (Pause.) Run for it!
They rush out, one L, one R.
Dubrochard (off) I shall count to three. One, two …
Plumard comes out of hiding and goes to open the door.
Plumard I can hardly wait…
Enter Dubrochard.
Dubrochard Don’t try to escape.
Plumard Pardon?
Dubrochard Arrest, my lad. You’re under arrest. Anything you say … You’re mine, lad, mine.
Plumard Who are you?
Dubrochard Dubrochard. Special constable. Grocer by profession. Fine teas and coffees. Where d’you get your beans?
Plumard Pardon?
Dubrochard Beans, lad, beans. Where d’you get your beans?
Plumard Jar in the kitchen. Why?
Dubrochard Joker, hey? That does it. Come with me.
Plumard You’re joking.
Dubrochard Never joke on duty. Handcuffs, caution, hup!
Plumard You’ve got the wrong man.
Dubrochard Nonsense. Full description. ‘Appearance of total imbecility.’ No doubt about it.
Plumard Hey!
Dubrochard Don’t believe me? Look in a mirror.
Plumard I tell you I’m an upright citizen.
Dubrochard No speeches. No politics: on duty.
Plumard For heaven’s sake!
Dubrochard Religion, too? On duty: no religion.
Plumard That does it. I’m going to have words to say.
Dubrochard Confession, eh? One minute. Notebook … pencil…
Plumard You’ve got the wrong man. He’s in there. He’s gone in there.
Dubrochard None of that. Talk, can’t you, talk!
Plumard All I mean is –
Dubrochard Sh!
Plumard You told me ‘Talk’.
Dubrochard Investigate.
He goes to the door, R.
Open, in the name of the law.
Taupinier sticks his head out.
Taupinier Not this side, that side.
Dubrochard Embarrassing. Sorry. Free beans, any time care to call…
He goes to the door, L.
Open, in the name of the law.
Lemercier sticks his head out.
Lemercier Not this one, that one.
Dubrochard Sorry. Embarrassing. Just a minute … You’re both under arrest.
Lemercier and Taupinier What have we done?
Dubrochard I’ll ask the questions.
Enter Pépita.
Pépita What’s all this racket?
Taupinier Save me, Madame. They think I’m a murderer.
Pépita You? Good grief, he’s the murderer.
Lemercier Me?
Dubrochard You admit it, do you? I’ll write that down. Name?
Lemercier Di deaeque omnes …
Dubrochard Not first names, surname.
Lemercier Grumpard.
Dubrochard No need to be rude.
Lemercier No, no: Grumpard. My name, my name. I’m a Latin teacher.
All Ooh!
Pépita He is not. He’s Lemercier, the murderer.
Dubrochard Another of ’em! We arrested one Lemercier this morning.
All What?
Lemercier I tell you I’m not Lemercier.
He shows them inside his hat.
Look, this label: I’m Grumpard. Lemercier’s a false name.
Dubrochard I’ll write that down.
Taupinier Just a minute. All those crimes you were telling me …
Lemercier I made them up. To put you off the scent.
Taupinier That’s funny. So did I.
Both My dear fellow.
They shake hands.
Dubrochard Look here, if you’re not the criminal, and you’re not … Who is?
Pépita There isn’t one.
Dubrochard Aha! Embarrassing. Wrong house …
Lemercier If you’ll excuse me … I’ve got a class waiting.
Dubrochard (wildly) And I’ve got coffee beans. Grocer business, no more police business, greenyah, greenyah, greenyah.
Curtain.
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