The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  EDEN

  I felt numb. I laid in our bed, our empty bed and felt numb. I heard Kane come in a while ago. I didn’t know whether I wanted her to come upstairs or not and that thought alone was tearing me apart. How could she just dismiss me like that? Just say no without even discussing it with me. I felt hurt and raw. I shouldn’t have walked away from her though, I shouldn’t have just left her. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. That was the problem. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me; Kane would never do that. She had though. I kept trying to tamp down all of these emotions fighting to erupt from me. I wanted to think about this rationally but that was impossible, at least right now. I tried to convince myself that everything would be fine, but I felt cold and alone. It was obvious by this time that Kane wasn’t coming to bed tonight. As I lay awake and stared at the ceiling I wondered if she was downstairs doing the same. Kane had the gentlest soul I had ever known and I knew that she was hurting. What demons were haunting her tonight? Why couldn’t she talk to me about any of this? Round and round my mind spun. The same questions, never any answers. I finally let the tears come. I cried for Blake, I cried for Kane and I cried for myself. I didn’t know what kind of effect this would have on our relationship and all the progress we had made in the past few months. I did know that neither of us would escape unscathed. Not from this. My wanting another baby hand nothing to do with replacing Blake. Nothing and no one could ever do that. Kane and I both had so much love that we could give to another child but Kane seemed rather content to let her fear rule her, our lives. I couldn’t accept that. I just couldn’t. Kane had never made decisions for me or our marriage by herself. We talked to each other, shared our feelings and our fears, or at least we had. Everything was different now and I hated it. I longed for our lives to go back to the way it used to be before we had been touched and forever altered by tragedy. There was no going back though and I knew it. I also knew that everything would definitely not be fine.

  The morning sunlight woke me. I hadn’t even realized I had fallen asleep, and was shocked that I was able to. I was loathe to get out from under the covers, I didn’t want to face the day. I didn’t want to face Kane. How had we even gotten to this point? I used to not want to fall asleep at night because I would miss her and now, now I had to force myself to see her. I crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized the person staring back at me in the mirror. “I look tired, and old.” I said in disgust to my reflection. I washed my face, scrubbing it harder than normal in an effort to wake myself up. I couldn’t have gotten more than an hour sleep and I felt it. I slipped on my robe and slippers, I didn’t have the energy or inclination to even think about putting on clothes yet. As I descended the stairs, I suddenly got a very uneasy feeling. It hit me out of nowhere and staggered my steps. Something was wrong. It was far too quiet. I ran the rest of the way and straight into the living room stopping dead when I saw the couch. The afghan was folded neatly and Kane was nowhere to be found. I called out to her but only silence answered. I ran frantically from room to room calling to her over and over again. I prayed that I would find her in the kitchen making coffee or getting her gear ready for work but she was nowhere. I ran back up the stairs thinking that maybe I had missed her coming up. All of the rooms were empty. I started to panic; I couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t be gone; she just couldn’t be. I staggered back down the stairs and sat heavily on the couch. “Oh God, please no.” I prayed aloud. It was then that I noticed the neatly folded note that lay on the cushion beside me, my name written on the front in Kane’s handwriting. With shaking hands, I picked it up and stared at it. I had no idea what it would say and everything in me told me I didn’t want to know. I held the note against my chest and before I could think twice about it, I unfolded it and laid it on my lap.

  My dearest Eden,

  I am so sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I can’t be enough, for you, for Blake. I don’t know where I’m going right now but I can’t let you continue to pick up the pieces of my life and pay for my mistakes over and over again. I love you more than life Eden, and so I will free you from the impossible weight that I have become on your shoulders, and your heart. Please don’t worry about me, it’s not worth the time and effort. I will call you as soon as I settle somewhere so that you won’t worry, because I know that you are. You are the only love for me. Now and forever.

  Kane

  I read the note over and over again. I was sobbing. I calmly stood and straightened my robe. I was done crying. I slipped the note into my pocket and began straightening the cushions of the couch and before I knew it, I was punching the cushions, hitting the back of the sofa with all my might. I took the afghan and threw it across the room with a scream of rage. I was so angry. I was angry at a God who could let our child be taken, who could let this suffering go on and on. I was angry at a world where any of this could happen. I was angry that I had tried to be a good person my entire life and this was my reward, pain and suffering and loss. I was angry at the people who told me they were so sorry for my loss constantly and that because they had lost an elderly parent or grandparent that they knew how I felt. They didn’t know. They didn’t know anything. Now, now it was trying to take away my marriage, my love. “NO” I shouted out loud. No, I won’t let it take any more from me, or from Kane. “Enough” I whispered through gritted teeth. I ignored the mess I had made and went to get dressed. I had to find Kane, and I had to find her now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  BLAKE

  “NO NO NO NO! This is all wrong! We have to fix it!” I cried and screamed at Jacob. Everything was falling apart and I couldn’t stop it from happening. Jacob remained calm, as usual. “We have to allow them to fix themselves Blake. You know that. Have Faith that their love and commitment to one another will see them through” I couldn’t calm down just yet though. It was so upsetting to see both of my mom’s so unbelievably sad and defeated. I had never seen either of them so beaten before. They were the strongest people I knew. “I do have Faith.” I replied “But I need to do something. I need to go back and see if I can help.” Jacob smiled and shook his head. “You can’t go back Blake, not yet. You have responsibilities here” he tilted his head to the corner where Alicia cowered. She had never seen me upset before and she was scared. I immediately regretted my outburst. I went and knelt down in front of her. “Hey, it’s ok, I’m sorry I scared you.” Alicia stood and grabbed me in a hug and just held on. I put my arms around her, patting her back gently to let her know that everything was really alright. Alicia didn’t talk much but she spoke volumes with her body language. She needed to be comforted and protected, and that was my job. I took her hand and put aside my own feelings of helplessness and smiled down at her. “How about we go outside and play with the animals for a little while huh?” Alicia loved the animals. She smiled big and nodded her head vigorously up and down. I looked back at Jacob who nodded his approval and I led Alicia out into the warm sunshine. She let go of my hand and immediately began chasing a rabbit and laughing. It felt good to watch her. She was so free and innocent. No worries no troubles. I longed to be like her in that respect. I would always miss my moms but I wanted to leave that world, that life behind now. I needed to move on, I needed them to do the same. It was the only way that any of us would ever find peace and happiness again. I watched Alicia run among the sunflowers, some that stood taller than her. A litter of beagle puppies was following her, nipping at the backs of her pants and she screamed in delight. I wondered if I was ever as innocent as Alicia was right at this moment. I know I was, before I left their plane. I thought about my moms’ again. I felt bad, I felt…responsible. Alicia ran up to me still giggling. She took my hand and stared out across the meadow. Watching the small puppies frolic. She looked up at me, her brown eyes catching the sunlight and sparkled. “Blakey?” I loved when she called me that. “Are you still sad?” I looked down at her and smiled. �
�I’ll be ok. I’m just worried about my family that’s all.” Alicia looked contemplative. Her little face scrunched up like she was working through a problem in her head. “Maybe I can help?” she said hopefully. She looked so determined in that moment that I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t think there was anything she could do. I bent down and grabbed her in a hug. “Maybe Alicia, maybe.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  KANE

  I drove to the outskirts of town and checked into a run- down motel called the Come-on Inn. Despite the name, the façade was not inviting. The dingy lobby with its faded carpet and scarred counter matched my mood as I checked in and went to my room. I didn’t have anything with me, I hadn’t packed for fear that it would have woken Eden. Eden, I missed her so much already. I felt hollow inside, as if a part of me, a large part had been ripped away. She was better off without me now though, I knew that. She deserved someone that can give her all the things she wants and needs. That can make her happy. That’s not me, not anymore. I lay down on the questionable looking bedspread. My head was pounding relentlessly and my heart ached. I stared at the ceiling and wondered who I was. I had lost my identity. I had always been Blake’s mom and Eden’s wife. Who was I now that I had neither of them? No one, I was no one. I had promised Eden I would call to let her know I was safe, but I couldn’t hear her voice right now. I suppose I should go to the store and get essentials like toothpaste and a comb but I had no desire to do so. What I wanted to do, needed to do was forget. There was only one thing I could think of that could achieve that so I grabbed my keys, my jacket and headed out to find the nearest bar.

  By my fifth shot and third beer I was feeling no pain. In fact, I wasn’t feeling much of anything at all. The bar was dark and somehow despite the ban on cigarettes inside, full of smoke. The air was obscure and I couldn’t really see anyone’s face, just their silhouette. A building full of strangers caught in their own pain and loneliness. I had no real desire to speak to anyone else. I just wanted to be and feel obliterated, and I was well on my way. I swung back around on my stool and almost fell over onto the floor. I turned my bleary eyes to the bartender. Had there always been two of them? “Nother shot” I said throwing some balled-up cash onto the bar. “I think you’ve had enough buddy.” I looked at him incredulously. “I’m not your buddy and I’ll say when I’ve had enough.” The bartender nodded to another man by the door who made his way over to my seat. He put his arm around my shoulders and grabbed my upper arm. “Ok, time to go now.” Suddenly everything that was happening transformed itself into intense anger towards this perfect stranger. I stood up, more unsteady on my feet than I thought I would be and turned to face him. “Keep your fucking hands off me” I spit at him and cocked my right fist back and swung as hard as I could at his head. I didn’t even come close to hitting him. I stumbled under the weight of my swing and worked to right myself again. Unfortunately for me, his aim was much truer than mine and the last thing I saw was his meaty fist coming towards the side of my head. The whole world went black after that. Perfectly totally black.

  I woke up laying on the ground next to my car. It had started sprinkling and the cold water was helping to clear my head a bit. I sat up too fast and grabbed the driver’s side door of my car to stop the world from spinning. I wiped away the rain from my eyes and winced at the sudden pain I felt in my cheek. “Ahh now I remember.” I made my way into the driver’s seat and wondered if I was sober enough to drive yet. I tried to focus my eyes on a bridge in the distance, and I couldn’t seem to hold the picture steady. “Nope not yet” I said aloud and tilted the seat back until it almost touched the backseat and closed my eyes again.

  I woke up two hours later. My head as hurting worse than before but I was finally sober. What I needed now was a bag of ice for my rapidly swelling face and some sleep. I drove slowly on the rain slicked roads the six or seven blocks back to the motel. When I got there, I exited the car, making sure to lock the doors behind me with the key fob. I went directly to the main office and grabbed an ice bucket. I climbed the stairs with the full bucket and juggled my keys out of my front left jeans pocket. When I finally managed to get my room door open and stumble through a disembodied voice spoke from a darkened corner of the room. “Do you feel better now? Did that help?” I dropped the bucket spilling ice all over the carpet and bed. “Jesus Christ Eden! You scared the shit out of me!” I bent down and flicked the light on and saw Eden sitting in a chair across the room. She started to say something and stopped when she noticed my face. Eden jumped up and ran towards me. “What happened? Are you ok? Who did this to you?” I took her shoulders and backed her up-a pace. “Whoa. I’m fine, and I did it to myself.” Eden looked confused and I didn’t blame her. “What are you doing here Eden? How did you find me?” Eden laughed. “We have a joint checking account Kane, you paid for the room with your debit card. It wasn’t that hard.” Damnit. I cursed my own stupidity. I sat down on the side of the bed and took a deep breath. Eden remained where she was standing over me. She reached down and caressed the unhurt side of my face. I leaned into her touch. “Eden, please.” “Please what?” Eden asked but didn’t stop touching me. “Don’t. Don’t try to make me feel better. I don’t deserve it.” Eden closed her eyes and sighed. “Kane I’m so tired. Do you think we could just not talk about anything right now and lay down in that bed and hold each other? Can we do that?” I felt some of the heaviness inside me life. I looked at Eden and saw that she was on the verge of tears. I quickly gathered her in my arms and kissed the top of her head. “Yeah, we can do that.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  KANE AND EDEN

  True to their word, neither woman spoke. The room was silent with only the random outside noises of any low- end motel filtering in from time to time. They held on to each other tightly, each lost in their own thoughts. Kane had shut off the light before they laid down and the room was dark. Neither woman had bothered with covers, all they really wanted was each other. Eden worried that when they did finally get up, it would only be to say goodbye. Could she convince Kane to come home with her? Any other time she wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes, but now, with this issue, she just didn’t know. She hadn’t changed her mind about wanting to have another baby, she felt that now more than ever it was right. If only she could convince her wife of that. She wanted Kane to want this baby though, not to agree because she thought it was what Eden wanted. Maybe she should just let it go for right now. It was obvious that Kane was scared to death and revisiting the subject right now seemed like a mistake. Kane needed time to think and process, the least Eden could do was allow her that. God when did her life get so complicated? It’s like one moment you’re young and free and innocent of anything of any real consequence. You date, you fall in love, you have a family. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to go? Why was I singled out to be a woman who would lose a child? Were we destined to taste happiness only to forever live with the bitter after taste of having it all ripped away? Eden had so many questions and not even one answer. She was so incredibly frustrated. At one time, Eden had turned to God with all of her questions. She believed that if she left her life in His hands and had Faith, that everything would always work out. Not anymore. She hadn’t forgiven God yet. She didn’t know if she ever would. It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair, but then again, Eden thought, no one ever promised her fair.

  Kane lay awake holding Eden close to her. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed her until she had seen her sitting in her motel room. She still felt that Eden would be better without her but Eden made her weak. One look into those brown eyes, one touch, and she began to lack the courage of her convictions. She didn’t want to let her go again; she wasn’t sure if she could. What were they going to do? Could she, they, have another baby? The very thought of everything that could go wrong before and after the birth made Kane’s heart stutter in her chest. Then she remembered how absolutely beautiful and happy Eden had been when she was pregnant with Bla
ke. She was happy too she knew. At Peace. She had always wanted a family and the moment she had met Eden she knew that she was the woman she wanted that family with. She still wanted that, she couldn’t fool herself, but she was terrified at all the things that could go wrong. It was so easy deciding to have Blake. They were young and completely unaware of the cruelties of life then. Kane had thought that the way things were then were the way things would always be. Now, she knew better. The world was an ugly place where children leave for school in the morning and never come home. When young men and women barely old enough to be on their own go off to war, and if they don’t come home riddled with PTSD they come home in a casket. The platitudes of “He died a hero” or “She died fighting for our freedom” are all fine and good, unless it’s your child. Kane had experienced the very best that life had to offer, and the very worst. She had held her child when he took his first breath, and she had held him when he had taken his last. What if it happened again? Kane would not live through it. That was the one thing she knew for certain. Still, there was this niggling part of her, it grew stronger the longer she held her wife. This little part of her that didn’t ask what if it happened again, but rather, what if it didn’t.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  EDEN

  My body finally crashed at about two am and I slept. Kane held me the entire time but I knew she had stayed awake. I was loathe to break the quiet and peace we had managed to achieve in this shabby motel but we couldn’t stay here forever. I watched the sun rise out the streaked window and turned in bed to face Kane. As I suspected she was awake and looking at me. “Morning” I said and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Good Morning” she replied. We just lay there looking at one another for a few minutes. “We’re supposed to see Sasha today. Are we going to?” Kane didn’t answer right away. Instead she seemed to look out into space as if the answers she sought floated there just out of her reach. Finally, she returned her sad gaze to me and smiled. “I think we should yes. Maybe she can help.” I nodded, relieved that we were going. Maybe Sasha could quell Kane’s fears and my own. We got dressed in silence. Things felt better between us, but not quite…right. When I asked Kane if she was going to come home, all she could tell me was “We’ll see.” The words hurt, but I said nothing. We drove Kane’s car to Sasha’s office, leaving mine locked up at the motel to be picked up later. Kane’s eye had turned black overnight. It looked awful but she still wouldn’t tell me exactly how it happened. Only that she did it to herself. I didn’t push. It didn’t really matter now anyway, the only thing that matters now is that she was safe, and with me. When we reached Sasha’s office complex, Kane parked the car, took off her seatbelt and opened the driver’s door. I grabbed her arm before she could get out of the car. “I just want to say.” Suddenly all the moisture left my mouth and my tongue seemed to have swelled. “I just want to tell you that I love you, more than anything and no matter what happens, what we decide, that will never change.” She looked at me and smiled in that way that she does that makes all the rest of the world fade away and I melted. “I love you too. It’s going to be ok; I promise.” She kissed me lightly and I sighed in contentment. She sounded like my Kane again. I realized at that moment that I wanted nothing more than to have her back, to have us back, the way we used to be. For the first time since Blake’s death, I was beginning to believe that was actually possible.