The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  Sasha greeted us both with a smile at her office door. We entered and took our usual seats on the couch, as Sasha sat across from us and turned on the recorder. “So, what’s going on with you two? I can sense a, well, something.” Kane and I just looked at each other. I motioned with my head towards Sasha. “Go ahead” Kane nodded and began. When she had finished explaining all that had happened between us since our last session both Kane and I were in tears. Sasha looked at both of us in silence for a few moments and before she could say anything, Kane began speaking again. “The thing is” she grabbed my hand and squeezed. “I do want it. I want another baby more than anything. I always pictured Eden and I having a big family together and Blake, Blake brought us so much happiness. I’m just so scared. No, that’s not right. I’m terrified. What if we lose this baby too? What if I let go of their hand and we lose her?” Kane turned to me then “I couldn’t, I wouldn’t survive that again.” She looked so vulnerable in that moment; my heart broke for her. I gathered her in my arms and just…held on. Sasha cleared her throat and we both turned towards her. “What you’re feeling Kane is completely and utterly normal. In fact, if you weren’t thinking those things, I would be really worried about you. The fact is, you have no guarantees. That is the wonderfully terrifying thing about life. We can’t know that tragedy will never befall you or any of us again. All we can do is love one another, have Faith that what is meant to be, will be and hold on for the ride.” Kane and I both laughed, the tension that had been in the air since we entered dissipated. Kane held up our clasped hands “I’m holding on. Are you?” I kissed her hard, pouring all my love into it. “Oh yeah, I’m holding on.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  KANE

  “Blake? If you’re listening, if you can hear me, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you so much. So many things have happened since the day you went away. Your Mommy and I, well we are doing ok again. We both miss you and love you so much. Guess what? Someday, maybe even someday soon, you’re going to be a big brother! Yeah mommy and I decided to try and have another baby. I don’t want you to worry though, we won’t forget about you, we could never do that. It’s just that we, your mommy and I have so much love inside of us, that sometimes we don’t have enough places to put it and it overflows. You would have made a great big brother buddy, and we are going to tell your little brother or sister all about you so they will know and love you just like we do. You’ll always be my baby boy. I love you.” I stood up and picked off a stray leaf that had landed on Blake’s gravestone. I brushed the loose dirt and gravel from my knees and wiped my eyes. Today was the day of Eden’s first IVF treatment. I was feeling so many different emotions I didn’t know which end was up so I decided to come and talk to Blake. It always made me feel better and I feel that he hears me. I had time before the appointment, and I would have taken Eden here with me but I needed to do this alone. She understood that. We had talked about getting pregnant again for weeks. Up and down, back and forth and all around over and over again. We finally decided, together, that despite our fears and hesitations we would try to have a baby and leave fate in God’s hands. That was another new thing in our lives. After nearly a year of cursing God for taking Blake, we started attending Church again. After nearly losing our Faith completely, we decided that believing in a higher power, in something that was more than ourselves was a part of hanging on for the ride. Once I had committed to the idea of having another baby, I became excited. I was going to be a mom again. There was nothing better than that. Eden absolutely glowed with happiness and she wasn’t even pregnant yet. It was good to see. She deserved to be happy, we both did. I looked at my son’s headstone one last time. That still felt so wrong, I imagine it always would. I returned to the car and headed for home. I felt optimistic and I couldn’t wait to see Eden. We had an appointment to get to.

  When I pulled in our driveway, Eden was sitting on the front steps waiting for me. She had a goofy grin on her face that made me smile. God, I loved this woman. I got out of the car and walked to her. “Anxious to leave baby?” Eden just laughed. “Well, maybe a little. But I do think we should get there early. You never know how the parking will be and what if there’s traffic?” I grinned and sat down beside her. “Don’t worry. We’ll get there in plenty of time.” I kissed the top of her head. “How did it go?” Eden asked. “Are you, ok?” I took her hand and raised it to my lips and kissed her knuckles. “I’m fine, better than actually. So, are you ready for this? Dirty diapers, three am feedings, spit up and no sleep?” Eden threw her head back and laughed. “Gee honey, you make it all sound so glamorous. What about giggles and first words and oh the smell of their little heads! To answer your question though, yes, I’m ready, I’m ready for it all.” I jumped up, taking her hand and pulling her up with me. “Well then, what are we waiting for?” We raced each other to the car like excited children and in that moment, that’s exactly what we were. My nerves started to tingle the moment we pulled into the medical office building. By the tight hold that Eden had on my hand I could tell hers were too. I practiced the breathing exercises that Sasha had taught me and soon I felt my muscles begin to relax. I turned in the seat to Eden. “I love you, are you ready?” She merely nodded and we both got out of the car. The building was enormous and modern. A brick façade opened up to a large lobby area complete with a baby grand piano and an electronic fire place. We made our way to the photo of a large framed map on the wall. “There!” Eden pointed. “There’s Dr. Andrande’s office. Third floor.” I nodded and we went to the elevator. When the doors opened there was already a woman in the elevator with her little girl. “Hi!” the little girl said with a wide gap- toothed smile. “Hi there” I said bending down to her level. “My name is Kane. What’s yours?” The little girl looked to her mother for permission to speak. Smart. Her mom nodded and she returned her gaze to me. “My name is Megan but mommy and daddy call me Meggie” she leaned closer to whisper in my ear “but I don’t really like that so you can call me Megan.” She was so serious that I tried to hide my smile. “It’s very nice to meet you Megan.” I winked at her and she nodded. The elevator stopped on the second floor and Megan and her mom departed with a wave. Eden sidled up to me and put her arm around my waist. “Maybe a little girl this time?” she whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek. I blushed and smiled back at her. “Maybe.” I replied as the doors opened onto the third floor.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  EDEN

  I didn’t think I’d be this nervous. I signed us into the log book with slightly shaking hands and gave the receptionist our names. I sat back down next to Kane and tried to flip through a magazine. I couldn’t read a word. “Are we doing the right thing Kane? Tell me we’re doing the right thing.” Kane looked at me incredulously. I couldn’t blame her, but now that we were here, and it was happening…I wasn’t having second thoughts, I just needed reassurance. “Eden, it’s going to be ok. Do you want to be a mother again? Do you want to have our baby? If you’re having second thoughts please, you have to tell me now.” Kane looked worried and terrified. I rubbed her knee through her jeans. “No. I mean yes, of course I want to have our baby. No, I’m not having second thoughts. I’m just nervous. That’s allowed right?” “Yes, that’s allowed” Kane kissed the side of my head. She always had a way of calming me down, just being in her presence. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. A young man entered the waiting room from the inner office holding a clip board. “Mrs. Alexander?” Kane and I looked at each other. “That’s us” Kane said and we both got up and followed the young man into an exam room. The inner office looked much the same as any other Dr’s office did. Separate exam rooms lined a hallway with wire bins attached to the outside of each for patient files. When we got to exam room four, the young man gestured us inside. “Mrs. Alexander, please remove all your clothing and put on this gown. The Dr will be in to see you shortly.” He handed me a yellow paper gown and smiled as he exited and closed the door. I held up the gown
to Kane and she grinned. “Sexy” she said and laughed. “Yeah right! I hate these things.” I handed Kane my purse and started taking off my clothes, when I was naked, I turned around to find Kane staring at me. Her eyes had gone a shade darker and I smiled. I loved knowing that she wanted me. “Hold that thought” I said to her and winked as I pulled the paper gown around me and tied it closed. Dr. Andrande chose that moment to knock on the exam room door and I thoroughly enjoyed the deep reddening of my wife’s cheeks. “Come on in Dr. we’re decent” well at least one of us is I whispered to Kane and she laughed right out loud. Dr Andrande entered smiling. “Well hello! I wish all my patients were this happy!” I gave Kane a knowing look as she stood to greet the Dr. “Dr Andrande, I’m Eden Alexander, this is my wife Kane” Kane and I both shook Dr Andrande’s hand. I hopped up on the paper covered exam table and Kane took a seat on the stool right next to it. “It’s nice to meet you both” Dr Andrande said as he attached a blood pressure cuff to my left arm and stuck a thermometer in my mouth. “Have you been taking the oral contraceptives prescribed?” I looked to Kane to answer as I still had the thermometer in my mouth. “Yes, she has been taking them for about twelve days now.” Kane answered and Dr Andrande nodded. “Very good. You pressure is good Eden. You have a slight fever but I don’t think that is anything to be concerned about right now. I think we are ok to start the injections today if you’re both ok with that.” I nodded immediately but Kane looked concerned. “Kane?” I asked “everything ok?” She shook her head as if to clear it. “Yes, I’m concerned about the fever though.” She looked to Dr. Andrande “Are you sure it’s ok to start the injections today?” Andrande put down the chart he was writing in and looked at Kane. “I think it’s fine really” he said seemingly unconcerned. “It’s most likely a slight reaction to the contraceptives Eden has been taking. It’s actually quite common and nothing to worry about.” Kane looked somewhat satisfied with that and merely nodded her assent. “Ok if there are no other questions, let’s get started. We’ll do the injections for about a week and a half. The medications will stimulate the ovaries, and then we will want to see you approximately every other day for an ultrasound and blood work just to make sure everything is on target.” Kane and I both nodded, we had used IVF getting pregnant with Blake so we were familiar with the process. Dr Andrande continued. “After about 10 days we will do the egg retrieval. It’s an outpatient procedure and nothing to worry about. Then we send the eggs and sperm to the laboratory to fertilize and grow. I assume you have a donor in mind?” I spoke up then. “Yes, we are using the same donor we used with our son.” Dr Andrande looked up once again from his chart. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had a son. Is he excited to be a big brother?” Kane cringed at the question and I just slightly dropped my head and answered quietly. “He, passed away. In an accident about a year ago.” Dr Andrande looked mortified. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Kane and I both nodded our thanks. “Well you know then that the next step will be to transfer the fertilized embryo back to your uterus, this is also an outpatient procedure. Then, we wait.” Dr Andrande smiled at us both and Kane grabbed my hand. “Thank you, Dr Andrande. Kane and I appreciate all you are doing for us.” Dr Andrande looked uncomfortable with the praise and merely nodded. “Ok then, if there’s nothing else, let’s get started.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  KANE

  The injections of the fertility medications only took about 20 minutes. Eden looked happy and comfortable. I couldn’t say the same about my feelings. I was so nervous and unsettled. Not so much about the procedure itself, we had been through this before after all. I don’t remember being this nervous when we were trying to get pregnant with Blake, but then again, I was ten years younger as well. So was Eden. I worried about side effects. Not that thirty-three was old by any means, but it was older than twenty-three and Eden had been through a lot emotionally in the past year and that took its toll physically as well. She was healthy though and she looked so beautiful as she turned her head to look at me that it took my breath away. I stroked the side of her face and couldn’t help asking “You ok?” She smiled big at me. “Stop worrying. Everything is fine.” I kissed her forehead lightly. “Hey I have to worry, it’s sort of my job.” That made her laugh which is exactly what I was going for. As I sat and held her hand I marveled at the look of peace on her face. I also couldn’t help be just a little excited. I didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves but I couldn’t deny and the thought of having another baby left a warm feeling in my chest. When the procedure was done and Dr Andrande left the room, I helped Eden back into her clothes and we just stood there for a moment holding each other. “I can’t believe we’re here” Eden whispered and I held her tighter. “It’s really happening isn’t it? I mean this isn’t a dream?” I smiled into her hair. “No, this isn’t a dream. I’m so in awe of you Eden. I’m truly proud and honored to be your wife. I love you.” Eden stepped back and looked at me, tears in her eyes. “We’ve been through so much Kane, and here we are, still standing together and taking the first steps to continuing our family. It’s me who is in awe and I love you too.” I kissed her then trying to pour every bit of emotion I felt into that kiss. I needed Eden to know that she was my everything and sometimes, words just weren’t enough. We finally separated and made our way back out to the lobby. Eden went to the desk to make another appointment for a couple days from now while I gathered up our coats and waited for her by the door. She joined me a few moments later “all set?” I asked as I helped her on with her coat. “I think so. Do you mind if we just go straight home? I know we talked about dinner but I’m beat.” I was worried again. Eden seemed fine, if just a little bit pale but I absolutely wouldn’t take any chances when it came to her. “Are you ok? Should I go back and get the Dr.? Eden if you don’t feel well you have to tell me.” I was talking fast and my heartrate had tripled. Eden saw the signs of my ratcheting anxiety and stopped us both in the hallway. “Kane, calm down baby. Breathe. I’m fine. No, I don’t need the Dr I’m just a little tired is all. I promise if I think anything is really wrong, now or ever, I will tell you ok?” My shoulders dropped as I started to relax a bit. “Ok. I’m sorry.” Eden took my face in between both of her hands. “No. You don’t ever have to apologize for loving me.” I nodded, feeling better. Eden could do that. She had a way of calming me with just a few words and a touch. There had never been anyone else in my life that could do that for me. “Come on” I said taking her hand and continuing to the exit. “Let’s go home and I’ll give you a back rub.” Eden smiled and started jogging for the parking lot. “Well, that’s an offer I absolutely can’t refuse.”

  The next month flew by in a flurry of Dr Appointments and procedures. Eden’s eggs had been retrieved and had been fertilized and were ready for reimplantation. We were set to see Dr Andrande for that procedure later this afternoon. It was not quite dawn when I awoke. I’m not sure what woke me but I opened my eyes and tried to deal with the uneasy feeling I had in my gut. There was nothing wrong. Eden slept peacefully beside me and if everything went according to plan, she could be carrying our second child in a matter of a week’s time. That thought both elated and terrified me. There was so much that could go wrong, but there was so much that could go right too. My brain vacillated back and forth between the two it seemed constantly. I know I had been driving Eden nuts but she had been so patient with me. She didn’t seem to be worried at all, but I know that she was. I think she just didn’t let it show around me because she knew that would make me even more worried. I laughed to myself, what a pair we made. Eden stirred beside me “What’s so funny at this ungodly hour in the morning” she asked without opening her eyes. “Nothing, go back to sleep. You have lots of time.” She mumbled something about no sun yet and buried herself back under the cover. I laughed again. She curled her body into the side of mine. She was warm and smelled like spring flowers. This was one of my very favorite things in the morning. The quiet and silence before the sun rose. My lo
ve safe and warm beside me. I felt the most content and at peace during these times. It gave me time to think and the fortitude to face whatever might lie ahead for us. I closed my eyes, not to sleep again but to just be still. Images of Blake’s life passed under my eyelids. The first time he opened his eyes, the first time he grabbed my finger with his tiny fist, his first words. All of it wonderful and painful now that the memories were all I had left. Would it be the same with another baby? Probably not. Blake was so uniquely his own little person and I knew that this baby would be too. When I opened my eyes again the sun was up and shining through our bedroom window. I looked towards where Eden lay and saw that she too was wide awake. “Good morning” she said and kissed me. “Mmmm, good morning yourself. You ready for today?” She nodded while she kissed me again and again. I have never been more ready. But first…” She straddled my lap and continued to kiss me. I felt her passion and want and returned it threefold. I made quick work of removing her nightgown. We wouldn’t be able to make love for a little while after today’s procedure so we were both eager to join together now. Eden’s skin was smooth and soft. “God you’re beautiful” I whispered. She looked into my eyes and said nothing. She crushed her mouth to mine again. Over and over until we were both out of breath. “Kane? Please, make love to me.” I could deny her nothing. I grabbed her waist and switched our positions so that I was now on top. “Whatever you want” I whispered. “Whatever you need.”