The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  KANE AND EDEN

  Eden cried out and jerked upright in the stirrups. Kane, right by her side in scrubs and a mask held her hand tightly and placed the other one on her upraised knee. “Breathe baby, breathe. You can do this. I’m so proud of you.” Kane repeated to her wife as she pushed her way through the contraction. Kate sat on a stool in between Eden’s legs. “You’re almost fully dilated Eden. It won’t be long now.” Eden fell back against the bed already exhausted. She looked at Kane “I can’t, I just can’t.” Kane bent down and looked directly into Eden’s eyes. “Yes, you can Eden. You can do this. I’m right here baby and I love you so much.” Kane felt helpless in the face of her wife’s pain. If she could take it from her, she would in a heartbeat. She mopped the sweat off of Eden’s forehead and kissed her. “You’re doing so great. I’m so proud of you. I guess butterfly isn’t going to make anything easy huh? That’s how you can tell she’s my kid.” Eden laughed at that and Kane breathed a sigh of relief. Eden had a wide strap around her belly that was monitoring the baby’s heartbeat. I heard the rapid beat over the monitor and took comfort in its rhythm. Another contraction hit Eden and she shot up and screamed. She looked at Kane desperately. “Something’s wrong Kane. It’s hurts much. Something isn’t right with our baby.” Kane looked at Kate pleadingly but she was concentrating on massaging Eden’s uterus externally. It was then that Kane heard what was a moment ago a strong steady heartbeat slowed down noticeably. “Baby’s heartrate is dropping” a nurse called from somewhere over Eden’s shoulders. “What does that mean? Kane?” Eden shouted and Kane clutched her hand even tighter. Kate stood up and looked at both women over her mask. “It means it’s time to push hard Eden. This baby is determined to make its appearance sooner rather than later.” Kane kissed the side of Eden’s head. “Are you ready?” she whispered. Eden just nodded in reply. “I love you Kane.” Eden said in a low voice and Kane suddenly felt chilled. It sounded final. “NO! She bent over Eden again. You will not say goodbye. I won’t let you.” A tear escaped Kane’s eye and landed on Eden’s cheek. Eden just smiled at Kane’s determined eyes. “Ok baby, it’s ok” Eden suddenly felt calm. “Let’s meet our baby ok?” Kane just nodded and kissed Eden again. “I love you so much” she said. Eden smiled. “Kane you are the very best part of me. I love you too.” With that she fell into unconsciousness amongst the shrill alarms of all of the medical equipment surrounding her.

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  KANE

  “She’s Hemorrhaging” I need a caesarian kit stat!” “Sats are falling!” I heard everyone yell at once. I looked at Eden. Her face was slack and her eyes were closed. “Eden baby? I need you to wake up now” I shook her shoulders with no response. “Eden wake up for me love! Eden? Please wake up baby” I was sobbing by this time. I looked down the table at Kate and all I saw was blood. There was so much blood. A nurse took me by the shoulders and tried to direct me out the door. “NO! I’m not leaving her!” I pulled away violently and ran back to Eden’s side. I stroked her face. She was so cold. “Oh God” I felt a hand on my back and turned to find Kate. “Kane, she’s losing a lot of blood and the baby isn’t out yet. We need to perform a caesarian section right now or we’ll lose them both.” My vision blurred and I grabbed onto Kate to stay on my feet. Kate settled me into a chair. “Kane? I need you to listen. DO I have your permission for the caesarian?” I numbly nodded. “Yes, anything you need to do. Just save them.” Kate nodded to a nurse to prep Eden for the procedure. “Kane?” Everything seemed far away from me. The noises, the voices, all of it. “Kane!” The urgency in Kate’s voice broke through. “If we have to—make a choice, what do you want us to do?” “A choice? I, I don’t understand.” Kate took my hand in her own. “Eden or the baby Kane. If it comes down to that.” My brain screamed EDEN, SAVE MY WIFE and then I remembered the promise Eden had made me make to her. My head fell into my hands and I sobbed. I cried so hard that I thought I would break right there in the waiting room. “Save—save the baby.” I told Kate. She nodded and stood to return to Eden’s room. “Kate?” I shouted and stood up. Kate turned around and stared at me. “Save them both. I need them both.” Kate nodded once and entered the room, leaving me alone to wait.

  A nurse tried to convince me to change out of the scrubs I had on. I refused. If I couldn’t be in that room with my family, I would sit right here and watch the door and wait for something, anything to happen. I felt like I had been staring at the door for an eternity. In reality it had only been about 45 minutes. I felt like I was going insane not knowing what was happening with my family. I began to pace. Back and forth back and forth. A young CNA brought me a cup of coffee. “Thank you” I whispered, giving her a slight smile. I took a sip of the hot coffee and appreciated the burn down my throat and into my stomach. I set the cup on a nearby table and sat down in an overstuffed chair and began to pray. “God, I don’t know if your listening but I really need you to hear me right now. I haven’t always been the best person, I know that. I have sinned plenty and not always repented like I should have. I have tried though. I have tried to be a kind person. I have tried to be loving and gentle with my fellow man. I haven’t always succeeded. If I need to punished for that, or for anything, I understand and I accept that. Please, punish me though, not my wife, not our baby. Please, I’m begging you, save them. Save them both and I’ll give anything, do anything you want. Please, just save them.” I dropped my head into my hands and sobbed again. You would think that there wouldn’t be any more tears, but there seemed to be a plethora. I was still crying when I heard the door to Eden’s room open. My eyes snapped open and I stood and faced Kate. The front of her surgical gown was covered in blood, Eden’s blood. The sight made me sway on my feet but I took a deep breath and looked up into her eyes. Suddenly, I wasn’t at all sure I was prepared to hear what she was about to tell me.

  Kate waked to me and took my hands and sat me back down into the chair. She took the one beside me and turned to face me. “Eden lost a lot of blood. We had to give her a transfusion. It was touch and go for a little bit but we managed to get the bleeding under control. She’s stable but critical now but she still hasn’t woken up. I’m having her moved to ICU. The next 24 hours will tell us more.” I sobbed in relief. “The baby? Where’s our baby?” Kate smiled then. “Well let me be the first to congratulate you on becoming a mom, it’s a girl. She’s very tiny and needs help breathing right now, but she’s beautiful. We took her up to the NICU where she’ll have to stay for a few weeks until she’s big enough to breath on her own. If she stays the course though, she should be just fine, if always a bit on the small side. “I thought I would pass out from the relief that coursed through my body. “Thank you, thank you so much.” I grabbed Kate in a hug and held on. She laughed and hugged me back. “Can I see them?” Kate nodded. Eden is still being checked into ICU so it will be a little bit until you can see her, but if you like, I can take you to meet your daughter. I inhaled great gulps of air as I nodded. “Yes, I would like that very much.”

  When we arrived at the NICU I changed into clean scrubs while Kate talked to the nurses explaining who I was. Kate came back and got me and we passed through the automatic doors and headed to an incubator towards the back of the room. There was various equipment making beeps and sighs all around but I didn’t pay attention to any of that. I looked into the incubator and saw the tiniest, most perfect little human being I had ever seen. She had a very small tube coming out of her mouth secured with tape and her tiny little chest rose and fell in sync with the respirator to her left. She was absolutely breath taking. Kate leaned over the top of the glass and looked down. “Hiya little one. I have someone here that’s been waiting a very long time to meet you.” Kate stepped aside and I stood next to the incubator. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. “Hi there butterfly. Look at how gorgeous you are. I’m your Mama and I love you very very much.” I looked at Kate and motioned to the holes in the side of the incubator
. “Can I…” Kate smiled wide and nodded. “Yes, studies have shown that touch helps infants to heal.” I smiled and put my hand through the hole and stroked one finger down the infant’s face. She looked so fragile and her skin was a bit translucent but I had never seen anything more amazing. Her eyes were closed and she had the barest bit of peach fuzz blonde hair atop her head. I saw Eden in every inch of her face and that made me happier than I could possibly express. “You’re Mommy and I love you so much, so you just concentrate on getting strong and healthy and we’ll take care of everything else. I’m going to go see your mommy now, and as soon as she’s ready we are both going to come back here and be with you ok.” I felt so torn, I didn’t want to leave my daughter’s side but I felt a pull towards Eden and I had to know if she was ok. I stroked under her little chin with my finger once more. I closed my eyes and tilted my head up and whispered a heartfelt “Thank you” and then left to find my wife.

  The sun had set hours ago as I sat by Eden’s side. She hadn’t awakened yet. She looked so small and frail lying in that bed and she was so pale. Kate had brought a food tray to me from the cafeteria when she came to check on Eden. She told me that Eden’s vitals were stable. “Her body has been through an incredible trauma; rest is it’s way of healing. She’ll wake up when she’s ready.” I kept hold of Eden’s hand, stroking her knuckles. Kate left quietly leaving us alone. “I met our butterfly Eden and she’s so beautiful. She looks just like you baby. She’s so small and fragile but strong too, I can tell. So, you need to wake up now love. You need to open your eyes so you can meet our daughter.” A tear escaped my eye as I brought Eden’s hand to my lips and kissed it gently. I must have fallen asleep with my head on Eden’s bed because sometime later I was awakened by a hand running through my hair. I smiled sleepily until I remembered where I was and then jumped up. I looked down at the bed and saw the most stunning sight I had ever seen. Eden had her eyes open and was smiling up at me. “Oh my God baby” I cried and bent down kissing her all over her face. “I was so scared Eden. I was so scared that I was going to lose you.” Eden held my head and shushed me “It’s ok love. I’m ok. Kane, the baby? Where’s the baby?” There was fear in Eden’s voice and remembered that she didn’t know about the baby yet. “She’s ok” I said hurriedly and watched Eden take a deep breath in relief. “She’s so small Eden and she’s so perfect.” Eden started crying and I held her. You did it baby, you really did it.” Eden kissed me deeply. “no, we did it.” She said and continued to hold me until we both fell back to sleep.

  I woke again at about four am. I looked to Eden and saw that she was still asleep. She had regained some of her color and seemed to be resting comfortably. I tucked the covers around her and made sure she stayed asleep before I left to go see the baby again. Kate had said that I could visit her any time I wished and I wanted to see her. I made my way to the NICU. The hallways were empty at this time of night. The night shifters were almost done with their shift and winding down. I entered the doors to the NICU and waved to the night nurse on duty. As I donned a gown, I started towards my daughter’s incubator when I saw someone standing next to her. I was about to sound the alarm and then stopped. I recognized the person standing there. The tousled hair, the profile, my breath halted in my chest. “Blake?” My son turned around and smiled that bright smile of his at me. He had his hand on the top of the baby’s head. Not through the holes on the side though but straight through the top of the glass as if it wasn’t there. He continued to smile at me and nodded to the baby. “Hi mama. She’s really something else isn’t she.” My breath hitched. I never thought I would see that face again, not in this lifetime anyway. I was afraid to move; I didn’t want him to disappear. “Blake, I miss you so much.” He nodded and turned back to the baby. He was gently rubbing the top of her head. “I miss you too mama, so much, and mommy too. Every day, but it’s all going to be ok now, and if you, or she” He nodded towards the baby. “Ever need me, I’ll be there, I promise.” I walked closer to my son and reached out, I wanted to hold him so badly but didn’t know if I could. “I can’t stay” he said and then leaned towards me and whispered in my ear. I smiled at his words and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, he was gone. “That was your brother butterfly.” I said to my daughter and I reached in and stroked her cheek. “and he will always protect you.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

  EDEN

  It was a week and a half before the baby was able to breath on her own without the respirator. Kane and I visited her as often as we could. If it were up to us, we would never leave her side, but I was still healing myself and needed to rest far more often than I liked. She was still so tiny, but so incredibly strong as well. She had gained a pound and a half since she was born and Kate said that was very good. I would sit by her little incubator, sometimes with Kane, sometimes alone, and I would sing her songs and read her stories. She had opened her little eyes once or twice now and even though I know it’s not very likely, I could swear she looked right at us. One day about a week ago Kane and I were sitting with her, taking turns reading Dr Seuss to her. Green eggs and Ham. It was Kane’s favorite; it had been Blake’s too. While Kane was reading, I looked at our daughter and the corner of her mouth turned up just the slightest bit. I gasped. “Kane! Kane she just smiled at us!” Kane dropped the book and scooted her chair closer. “She did? I missed it!” I laughed at Kane’s face, she looked so disappointed. “Oh baby, it’s ok, I have a feeling there will be many more smiles to come.” Kane sighed “Yeah, but this was her first.” I kissed her cheek in an effort to make her feel better. The baby seemed to have fallen asleep so we just sat quietly and watched her. I could do that forever but I longed to hold her as well. We were going to get the opportunity to do just that in about fifteen minutes. Kane had left about an hour ago to go home and shower and change, she was bringing more clothes for me as well since this hospital stay was much longer than either of us had ever anticipated. The baby had had her respirator removed this morning and taken her first breath on her own. Everything about her was a miracle. I thanked God every day that things turned out the way they did, they could have so easily gone wrong in every way. My heart aches when I think of what Kane must have gone through, not knowing if she would lose one of us, or both. I know it still haunted her sometimes in her sleep and all I could do was hold her and stroke her hair until the nightmares crawled back to wherever they had come from. I loved watching Kane with the baby. She had such happiness and peace in her eyes whenever we were near her. I guess she would probably say the same of me. That baby had changed everything for us and the way she came into the world only made us love her even more if that was even possible and I wasn’t at all sure that it was. “Where are you?” I asked aloud looking out my hospital room window waiting for Kane to return. It was almost time to go down and hold the baby and I didn’t think I could wait another second. No sooner had I finished that thought when Kane raced around the corner of my doorway, almost knocking herself unconscious in the process. “Am I late? Traffic was awful and I couldn’t find my left sneaker.” Kane was bent over trying to catch her breath. I hid my smile behind my hand. God, I loved this woman. “Nope, you’re right on time. They said we could go down any time after four and it’s only four ten right now” I told her and walked over to kiss her hello. I hadn’t had to use a wheelchair for a few days now but I was still a little bit weak. “Are you ready?” I asked my wife. “Kane smiled big and slung her arm around me “More than” she replied and we left the room together and headed down to see our little girl.

  Kate was standing next to the baby’s incubator talking to her when we arrived. We had really hit the jackpot with her. We couldn’t have asked for a better Dr and friend. “Well little one” Kate said to our daughter. “Your moms’ are finally here. About time huh!” The baby cooed as if she was answering Kate and Kane and I both laughed. We both sat in the chairs provided for us and I unbuttoned my shirt. We weren’t sure if the baby would take to the breast y
et but I wanted the skin on skin contact anyway. Kate opened the top of the incubator and lifted the tiny baby out and into her arms. “There, that’s better isn’t it.” She whispered and she carried the baby over and placed her in my arms. My heart was so full when I held my child for the first time, the same as it was when I had held Blake after he was born. I cried happy tears as I cuddled the baby on my chest and she curled into me. She opened her eyes and seemed to look at Kane and I. “Hi butterfly, I see you” I whispered kissing the top of her little head. We stayed like that, baby on my chest with Kane next to me resting her hand on her bare little back. I felt complete for the first time in a long time. The baby’s mouth seemed to be seeking something and I gently lifted my breast and placed the nipple in her mouth. She started to suckle right away and I cried even harder. “She has her mommy’s appetite.” Kane chuckled and kissed the top of the baby’s head. I leaned into Kane’s side as our baby fed. “I love you” I said to both of them and I felt the peace that had been missing slide back into my soul.