The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  EDEN

  I had been on bed rest for a month now and was honestly, going a little stir crazy. Kane did her best to keep me engaged and amused. She had taken FMLA leave from work so she was able to be home with me every day now. She didn’t want to leave me alone and I didn’t want to be left. I was much more worried than I let on. Kate had used the term ‘high risk pregnancy’ a few times now and it unsettled me. I went all nine months and then some with Blake without even a hint of a problem. He was actually born 2 weeks after his due date but it wasn’t a problem. The pregnancy and birth were completely uncomplicated and I so wished they could be this time as well. Kane and I wanted this baby so badly. I rubbed both of my hands over my stomach again and again. “We love you so much little one. You just hold on. Hold on as long as you can and I’ll do the rest.” I couldn’t prevent the tears from falling. I kept talking to the baby, I felt that she could hear me and if she couldn’t understand she would know my voice and be comforted. “Hey butterfly, let me tell you about your big brother Blake.” When I said the name, the baby kicked out and I laughed. “You like that do you? Well I’ll tell you that Blake would have been the best big brother ever. He was so kind and gentle, a lot like your mama. He worried a lot too though. He was always worried that me and your mama and all of the people he loved were ok and happy, and we were whenever he was around. He had a joy inside of him and it spread to everyone he knew.” I continued to rub my stomach and I felt the baby calm down. I smiled glad to have had this time to talk and think about Blake. He was as much a part of this pregnancy and Kane and I were. Kane had finally cleaned out Blake’s room a couple of weeks ago. We had decided instead of turning the office space into a nursery, we would repaint Blake’s room. I know it was difficult for her, but I also think it was healing in a way. I tried to help, more than once but Kane wouldn’t have it. Kate had said bed rest and Kane was going to make sure that’s what I got. She did allow me to sit in a chair in the room while she cleaned things out. We laughed and cried and shared our favorite memories of our son. We decided to give most of the clothes and toys away to the mission. There were so many children out there who had so little and we knew that’s what Blake would have wanted. We did keep a thing or two. Kane kept the Curious George stuffed animal, holding it to her chest with her eyes closed for a long moment before setting it aside. I held her hand but said nothing. There were no words for that. I decided to keep one of his baseball jersey’s. He had worn it the day before the accident and we had cuddled together on the couch telling silly jokes and laughing. It was the last truly happy moment I had with my son and I could still remember the way his hair smelled and how soft his skin was when I held him. So much was changing in our lives, but our love for Blake, our memories of our little boy would never change or fade, no matter what happened. “Your brother would have been so excited for your arrival little butterfly. Maybe somewhere, somehow he still was.” I heard the front door open and close and Kane called upstairs that she was home. She had run out to pick us up some dinner. As soon as her voice reached our bedroom the baby completely rolled over in my belly, it looked like a giant wave across my stomach. I laughed “You’re excited she’s home too aren’t you. Did you miss your mama? Me too. What do you say we don’t let her out of our sight again huh?” The baby kicked at that and I laughed again. “Deal. Now, let’s eat.”

  As I made my way down the stairs to eat, I felt a twinge in my stomach about half way. It left as suddenly as it came and I caught my breath and continued. “I would have brought your food up to you baby.” I had no doubt of that. “That’s ok, I needed to move around a little bit, my back is sore from laying down all the time.” Kane looked up worried when I mentioned the pain. “It’s fine baby, just stiff is all. Besides, me and butterfly were hungry and we missed you.” Kane got that adorable silly grin on her face that I loved so much. “Is that right? What exactly did you two talk about when I was out?” I coyly turned away from Kane. “I’ll never tell. Just girl talk is all. Now, what did you bring us to eat?” Kane unpacked containers of pasta, extra sauce and meatballs from the brown paper bag she had carried into the kitchen. “Ohhh our favorite!” Kane kissed my cheek as she pulled out my chair. “I know” I laughed. I felt happy and loved and taken care of. I looked at Kane as she dished the pasta out. I loved her so much that sometimes I felt I couldn’t contain it all inside. Kane looked up when she felt me staring at her. “What? Do I have some food on my face?” I giggled. “No, I was just thinking how much I love you and how lucky we are to have you in our lives.” Kane blushed, “right back at you, both of you” she said as she placed a plate of spaghetti with two meatballs down in front of me.

  Later that night as I lay in bed, Kane fussed over me as she usually did, arranging and rearranging pillows behind my back and between my legs. “I’m good baby. Come lay down with me.” Kane went around to her side of the bed and gently climbed in facing me. “That’s better” I breathed and leaned in to kiss her lips. I never got tired of the softness of her lips. One of us moaned and I forced myself to pull back. I didn’t want to make any promises I was in no shape to follow through with. Kane traced my face with her hand. Starting at my forehead, across my eyebrows, down my nose, over my cheekbones and finally she ran her finger gently over my lips. “You are so beautiful” I closed my eyes and was just still. My heart was full. I was lying next to the love of my life and I carried our baby inside of me. We had gone through so much tragedy and loss and agony to get to this point. I opened my eyes back up and looked at my wife. “I love you, so much.” I said and before I could hear her reply, I was asleep.

  It was several hours later when a pain in my belly woke me. I tried changing my position but nothing seemed to ease it. I didn’t want to wake Kane so I crawled out of bed a quietly as I could and made my way to the master bath. The pain wasn’t overly severe but it was very uncomfortable and it certainly got my attention. “Are you rolling around in there butterfly?” I whispered. I held my stomach and splashed some cold water on my face. The pain eased a bit and I decided to use the toilet before I returned to bed. I pulled down my pajama bottoms and underwear and sat down. I relieved myself and when I looked down at my underwear I gasped. “Oh no, no no no” I whispered. I closed my eyes and opened them again to see the same bright red blood staining my panties that I had seen the first time.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  KANE

  Eden’s scream woke me from a dead sleep. She was calling for me and I was on my feet and running towards the sound of her voice before I was even fully awake. When I reached the bathroom, I saw Eden sitting there and then I saw the blood. Eden had tears in her eyes when she looked up at me. “It’s too soon” she kept saying as if she were pleading with someone. I gently took her by the shoulders and stood her up. I bent to pull up her and pulled her underwear and pajama bottoms back on. “Ok, this is what we are going to do. I’m going to grab the suitcase that we already have packed and we are going to go to the hospital. We’ll call Kate on the way to meet us there. Everything is going to be ok.” Eden looked dazed. “Eden! Do you hear me? Everything is going to be fine. Now go put on your shoes and I’ll get the suitcase and call Kate.” Eden seemed to snap out of her daze and nodded to me. I took a deep breath to try to get my emotions under control. I was absolutely panicking but I didn’t have time for that. Eden needed me. The baby needed me. I ran to the bedroom closet and retrieved the prepacked suitcase Eden had all ready for the birth. I met Eden in the hall and I helped her down the stairs and into the garage as quickly as I could. I jumped into the driver’s seat just as Eden let out a moan of pain. “Baby? What is it?” I asked anxiously. Eden looked at me with tortured eyes. “It hurts.” She said and my heart bled. “It’s too soon Kane. It’s way too soon.” I backed out of the garage and driveway at about sixty miles per hour. “I know baby. It’s going to be ok. Kate will meet us there and everything will be ok.” Eden nodded and I wished fervently that I could b
elieve my own words. No! I told myself. Nothing band was going to happen. Not this time, not if I could help it. I paid attention to the road as best I could with Eden moaning in pain beside me. Thankfully it was close to three am and there was little to no traffic. I had called Kate on my blue-tooth and explained what was happening. She agreed to meet us in the ER. Just then a particularly strong contraction hit Eden and she grabbed my thigh as she screamed in pain. I felt so helpless. I took a corner too fast and the tires screeched on the pavement. “Kane, please be careful.” I patted Eden’s hand and slowed my speed as the hospital came into view in the distance. I pulled into the ER entrance and right up to the doors. I jumped out and yelled for the valet to get some help as I ran around to Eden’s side. I opened her door just as three nurses ran out the ER door with a wheelchair. Eden grabbed my arm and I lifted her to a standing position as I started to yell to the nurses. “She’s 33 weeks pregnant with some moderate bleeding and contractions about every 10 minutes.” The nurses nodded as they took over getting Eden out of the car and into the wheelchair. I raced behind them and was beyond relieved when we entered the ER lobby and I saw Kate standing there. “Kate thank God! It’s Eden, it’s too soon, I don’t know what to do!” Kate grabbed me by the shoulders and gently shook. “Kane, calm down. You did the right thing in getting her here right away and calling me. We’ll take care of her now, we’ll take care of them both I promise.” I nodded wiping the tears from my face hurriedly as I followed Eden, Kate and the large gathering of nurses, and techs as they made their way to the elevators.

  The fifth floor was quiet. I stood by Eden’s bed holding her hand. She finally seemed to be resting somewhat comfortably. Kate checked her vitals and motioned me to follow her into the hall. “Kane, Eden is in pre-term labor. The bleeding is not severe at this point and I have given her a dose of Terbutaline to delay and hopefully stop the contractions for as long as possible. Right now, she’s stable but I’m not going to lie to you, at 33 weeks if we can’t stop the contractions and Eden gives birth, the baby will be very premature. We’ll do everything we can but I can’t make any promises. “Kane had guessed as much on her own but hearing Kate say the words hit her like an anvil in the chest. She took a deep breath and looked back into the room at Eden. “Thank you, Kate, please keep me updated on everything as soon as you know. I want to get back in there. I don’t want to leave her alone for too long.” Kate nodded and placed her hand on my upper arm before walking away. I made my way back into the room and to Eden’s side, closing the door behind me. “How are you feeling baby?” I bent down to kiss my wife as I asked her. Eden looked at me and her eyes were so sad that it broke my heart. Tears streamed down her face. “Why does God want to take all my babies?” she asked and I just gathered her in my arms. “No one is going to take our baby. Little butterfly here is just in a hurry to meet us that’s all. Kate says the medication is working for now and we just have to have Faith.” “Faith!” Eden’s face went from heartbroken to angry in an instant. “Faith in what exactly? Faith that God wouldn’t be so cruel as to make us bury two of our children? Faith in medicine, the same medicine that couldn’t save our son? I don’t know about you Kane, but I’m running a little low on Faith.” I had no idea how to respond to that. A big part of me felt exactly the same way. Eden shook her head. “I’m sorry” she said in a small voice. “I took her hand again. “You my love, have nothing to be sorry about. I understand.” Eden was crying again and I didn’t know how to help her. “It’s so frustrating” Eden continued. “I feel so helpless, so out of control. I mean it’s my body and I can’t even control what it’s doing. It’s too early for her to come out yet Kane. I don’t know what I’ll do if we lose her…” I stood up suddenly determined to do something, even if that was just to ease my wife’s mind. “We are NOT going to lose her. The medicine is working right now and we need to concentrate on that fact and be positive.” Eden nodded and went quiet for a moment. “Kane? I need you to do something for me.” I answered immediately. “Anything. Anything you need.” Eden looked away then as if she was trying to think how to say what she needed to. “Kane, if anything should—happen. I want you to promise me that you will save the baby. If you have a choice, promise me that you will save her.” I was stunned. That was the absolute last thing I expected Eden to say to me. “Eden, nothing is going to…” “I know” Eden interrupted me. “but if it does Kane. Promise me.” I shook my head backing away from the bed. “No. No Eden I can’t promise that.” Eden began to cry again. “You have to Kane. Please baby.” I sat back down on the bed and gathered her in my arms once more. “I can’t lose you Eden. I can’t. I won’t survive that.” Eden held to me tightly. “I know baby. But I can’t lose another child. I just can’t, so promise me.” It went against everything that I was but I slowly nodded my head. “I promise” I whispered and could feel Eden relax in my arms. I rocked her back and forth quietly humming until I heard her breathing deepen and I knew she was asleep. I covered her with the blanket and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. It was the first time I had ever made a promise to her that I wasn’t sure if I could keep.

  Eden had woken up once and began crying uncontrollably. Kate came in and spoke to her briefly and then gave her a sedative to help her relax. She had fallen back to sleep about 2 hours ago. I was exhausted. I kept my vigil by Eden’s bedside but couldn’t help but doze off in my chair. Kate had tried to get me to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat but I wasn’t going to leave Eden, and I had no appetite anyway. So, I stayed by her side occasionally dozing off and jumping awake at every sound. Eden moaned in her sleep and I stood up and looked down at her. She didn’t appear to be in pain. It must be a nightmare I thought. I took my finger and ran it lightly across her forehead, trying to wipe away the wrinkles that had formed there. The movement seemed to relax Eden and so I continued. I ran the finger down her cheek and under her bottom lip. “Oh Eden, I love you so much.” I placed my other hand on her belly. “I love you too butterfly. I can’t lose either of you. I just can’t.” I laid my head on the bed, keeping one hand on Eden’s belly and one hand over her heart. I fell asleep to the feel of Eden’s heartbeat under my one hand and the feel of our child under the other.

  I awoke with a jerk when I heard Eden’s moan of pain. “What? What is it? Are you hurting?” Eden grabbed my hand tightly and squeezed almost painfully. “The contractions Kane. The contractions are back.” My heart sunk to my stomach. “Ok, it’s ok baby. I’ll go get help.” She nodded and I ran for the door to the room and flung it open. “I need some help in here” I screamed down the hall and ran back to Eden’s side. She was sweating now and writhing with the pain of the contractions which seemed to be coming more frequently this time. I wiped her forehead with a wash cloth and whispered words of love and encouragement into her ear in an attempt to keep her calm until Kate got there. It turns out that Kate was still in the building so had managed to make it upstairs to Eden’s room relatively quickly. “You have to do something” I pleaded with Kate and she looked at me sadly. “We can’t give her any more of the drugs to stop the contractions without jeopardizing the baby, same with the sedative. It doesn’t look like they are going to stop on their own either. She is going to have to deliver. Eden cried harder and I was paralyzed with fear. “I can’t, I don’t” I stumbled over every word I tried to speak. “Kane, it’s ok, we are going to do everything we can to make sure both mommy and baby come out of this on the other side just fine. We are going to take Eden and prep her now; you go change into scrubs and I will meet you in the delivery room ok?” I nodded and turned my attention to Eden. “Ok baby, this is it, are you ready to meet our butterfly?” Eden nodded “I love you so much, everything is going to be fine. I’ll see you in there.” As they began to wheel Eden’s bed away, she reached out and grabbed my hand. “Your promise. Remember your promise. I love you.” And with that, she was gone. I stood there and watched her disappear around the corner finally allowing my own tears free reign. “I rem
ember” I whispered.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  BLAKE

  I don’t remember ever feeling so nervous and panicked. Nothing could calm me, nothing. Alicia was missing, gone without a trace and now my mom was in trouble. Serious trouble. Jacob hadn’t left my side once. It seemed my whole world had flipped upside down and I was clueless as to how to right it again. “What am I going to do Jacob? I can’t find Alicia, I can’t help my mom, and I can’t just do nothing. Help me, there must be something.” Even Jacob looked concerned and that was absolutely terrifying. Jacob had never looked anything but calm and collected since I’ve known him. “Blake, things are unfolding as they are meant to.” We can’t interfere. The results of that would be—disastrous.” I stopped my pacing and stared at him. “As they were meant to? That’s bullshit! You mean Alicia was supposed to just disappear into thin air? My parents are supposed to suffer another loss? They can’t not after….” Jacob looked up at me “after you died.” Jacob said what I couldn’t. All of this time I had never been able to say the words. “yeah after, I died.” It felt weird, hearing myself say that out loud. I knew what had happened, I had always known that but to say that I was no longer alive was to admit that I was never going to be going back to my old life, to my family. Never. The reality of that suddenly hit me in a way that it never had before. “It’s never going to be the way it used to be again is it?” I asked, more to myself than Jacob. Jacob looked at me with a sad smile. “No” was all he replied. A tear ran down the side of my face. It felt foreign to me. I had watched my parents grieve for me, mourn for me, but I had never taken the time to mourn for them. More tears came then. I had lost them, truly lost them and I finally grieved. “You haven’t lost them, not really” Jacob said. “You will always be a part of them, and they you. When the time comes, you will see them again. Alicia too.” My head snapped up at the mention of Alicia’s name. “Do you know where she is?” Jacob shook his head slightly. “Not exactly, that is a secret that those much wiser than me aren’t even privy to. For now, though, I feel she is safe, and soon in one form or another she will transition. To where though and how, I don’t know. I wish I could tell you Blake. I wish I could set your mind and heart at ease but all I can say is that you will feel peace again, that I promise you. For now, though, we watch and we wait. Nothing is ever truly lost Blake.” Nothing is ever truly lost. I repeated it to myself again and again. “I never even got to say goodbye.” Jacob stood, walked over to me and grabbed me up in a hug. I clung to him and cried. I cried for the things that were and the things that would never be. “Maybe we can do something about that.” Jacob whispered as he continued to hold me through my tears.