My Secret Alpha Step SEAL

by Paula Mabbel

  All she wanted now was for John to tell her. A simple acknowledgement that she was his first love, but that it wasn't meant to be. Was it that hard? It was the polite thing to do, wasn't it?

  She needed to get over him, but the longing to know nagged at her. It tore at her soul. She didn't want to feel this way anymore, to feel the pull that he had on her heart.

  Grace closed her curtain and turned up to Heaven once more.

  "Dear Gott, I know now that John is not coming back for me, but the pain is too much for me to bear. I can't take this anymore, and I fear that if I continue like this I may do something stupid just to distract me from the pain I feel deep inside my heart. But you said that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear, and when I am tempted that you will make the way of escape.

  "I need to escape this, Lord. I need to escape this right now. I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I'm not strong enough," Grace said.

  She was mentally and physically exhausted. The months of waiting and uncertainty had taken their toll. After she finished her prayer she plopped down on her bed and fell asleep.

  When she woke from her rest, she heard sound of the horses’ hooves and the clanking of the buggy as it approached her barn house. It moved closer, and she watched to see who would come out of it.

  It was a young man. He looked familiar, aged a couple years with wisdom and experience. He walked up to her front door and knocked.

  Grace rushed to open the door. Her hands could barely function properly as she fumbled to turn the lock and then the doorknob.

  "John!" Grace said, not sure what else to say after the long absence.

  "Grace, it's so good to see you again."

  She stood there, waiting for him to say something or at least to give her a signal.

  "How have you been? I heard that you found someone else before I Ieft for Pittsburgh. One of my roommates said that he saw you with Jesse at the store. Are you with Jesse now?"

  "Oh, my Gott. No way! If I had found somebody else, it wouldn't have been Jesse. That's for sure. He's always been a jerk. And I haven't found anyone else either. I've been waiting for you, but I just assumed that you're the one who found somebody else, so have you?" Grace asked.

  "No. I've had a few girls try to talk to me, but I couldn't get over you, even though I thought you were with Jesse. I just couldn't bring myself to spend time with anyone else. I spent all my time working and studying, trying to make the most of my time there learning how to work with my hands and be a better woodworker. I wrote, too. I wrote a lot. I almost have a full manuscript now, which I hope I can publish. I wrote about you and my home. I wrote about my family and the community here. I couldn't stop thinking about you," John said.

  "I missed you so much. It seems like it's been forever," Grace said.

  "It has been forever, but I still feel the same way about you. Just being here right now is bringing back all the memories and feelings I had before."

  "Is this real, John? Did you really come back for me after all this time? Why didn't you try to contact me? If you loved me so much, why didn't you write or try to contact my parents? Why did you make me wait and wonder for two years?"

  "I'm sorry, Grace. I wanted to so badly, but I thought you had left me. I just couldn't imagine it. I just knew that if I let my mind think on it, it would crush me. I should have written, I was just afraid to hear that it was over."

  "Well, I'm here now. You're here now. That's all that matters."

  John grabbed her. He took her in his arms, embraced her, and then he planted his lips on hers. He caressed her skin and they locked on each other in an unbreakable gaze.

  "John," Mr. Miller said as he walked in from the other room, "you're back. It's so good to see you. We weren't sure if you were coming back. We thought you might have left us for good."

  "No, Mr. Miller. I'm back, and I'm here to stay," John replied.

  Mr. Miller and his family had John and the Yoder family over for dinner that evening. Grace and John each talked about their time during Rumspringa and the challenges they faced while they were away. They both shared how each day they thought about each other and wondered if the other had found someone. They were glad, as were their families, that they had returned and were looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together and with the community that they had both missed and loved.

  *****

  THE END

  The Crippled Cowboy

  “Excuse me, Miss, but I couldn’t help but notice you were sitting here alone. I was wondering if you might do me the honor of dining with me some—” the young man didn’t even have time to finish what he was saying before Cassie was up and gone.

  She had come to the park to enjoy peace and quiet, not to be asked out by yet another poor suitor.

  She was so tired of these city boys. They all talked big and walked big, acting as though they had all of life figured out because they were working at some bank or for some law firm, but as soon as life threw any challenges their way, they were helpless.

  Cassie wanted a man with grit. A man who wasn’t afraid to look a bull in the eye and tell it who was boss. A real man… a cowboy.

  But there seems to be a certain deficit of cowboys here in New York, she thought as she walked up the street.

  She was headed to the library.

  Cassie loved the library. There were books as far as the eye could see, and she liked the world that was opened up to her when she was reading. She read everything she could get her hands on. Whether it was fantasy, horror, or history, she loved it all.

  Above all, she loved the stories from the West. Cassie had dreams of going west one day. She wanted to see the wild world that was described in her stories. The Indians and the cowboys. The wolves and the buffalo.

  Cowboys don’t shy at the sound of wolves, and I bet buffalo clear the way when a cowboy is running his cattle through the fields. Not like Caleb at the bank.

  Cassie rolled her eyes at the thought of her relentless young lover, who couldn’t see why she didn’t love him in return. He bought her gifts and tried to take her to fine restaurants. He sent her flowers and thought he did everything right.

  But you have to have the waiter come and squish that bug for you.

  She shook her head in memory of the event, and hurried on to the library.

  “Do you have anything new for me today?” she asked as soon as she opened the door.

  Professor Wilkes was behind the counter, and he smiled at her when she came in.

  “As a matter of fact, I do, Lass,” he said with his thick Scottish accent. “I think you are going to love this one. It is about a young girl who runs off to marry a young man. Full of adventure, fear, danger!” He raised his finger to the sky as he spoke, and Cassie laughed.

  “Sounds like everything I love,” she said as she took the book. Cassie sat down on one of the chairs that were in the library and started to flip through the book. She more skimmed it than read it, but she found a certain passage appealing:

  Young Isabella didn’t know what lay ahead. All she had was her letter, her luggage, and a thirst for adventure. She didn’t know what kind of man she was to marry, but she knew that it was the best choice she had ever made.

  Cassie read the passage over and over. She had heard of mail-order brides before, but she had never read anything that made the idea seem so appealing as this book did.

  She longed for adventure. For a new way of life.

  If there was any way she could get out of this town and away from these men she couldn’t stand, life would be better. She wanted to be like Isabella. Wild and free and on her way to adventure.

  So why don’t you? It isn’t as though you have anything that is holding you here. You could be a mail-order bride, and you could end up in the greatest story ever…

  Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Caleb walked in, and smiled when he saw her. She tried to look busy, but that didn’t stop him from sitting down right nex
t to her.

  “Fancy meeting you here,” he began, but Cassie cut him off.

  “We already talked about this, Caleb. I am not interested.” She turned her back to him and pretended to be absorbed in her book. Caleb wasn’t at all offended or discouraged by her actions.

  “You know, I was thinking about you last night.”

  “Fancy that.”

  “I was thinking I wanted to try that new restaurant they opened downtown, and I was thinking that if I were to try it, I would need a suitable date to take along for the dinner. I wracked my brain, but none seemed so perfect to me as, well, you.”

  Caleb turned to face her, with his hands in both the pockets of his vest. He beamed at her, and Cassie knew he felt clever with the way he had asked her to dinner this time.

  “Sorry, Caleb, I can’t.” Cassie said, rising. She didn’t have a good excuse off the top of her head, and she hoped he wouldn’t press for a reason.

  But of course, he did.

  “Come on, I know you don’t have a lot going on this time of the year, and I would love to take you. What on earth could you be doing that would be better?”

  “I just have some things I need to tend to,” Cassie began, but Caleb grabbed her hand and clasped it in both of his.

  “I’ll be to your house directly at seven to pick you up. You know your father loves me, and he would love to see his daughter make such a smart match. I will see you then.”

  There was something underlying his tone that Cassie didn’t like. It was almost sinister sounding. She pulled her hand away and walked out the door.

  Once she was out in the sunlight she shuddered. The thought of being married to that man was enough to keep anyone up at night, and she could think of nothing worse.

  My father doesn’t have a say over who I am to marry.

  Cassie lifted her skirt to her knees and hurried to the post office.

  *****

  It wasn’t long before Cassie received a letter in reply to her ad. A cowboy in Wyoming replied, and was very interested in Cassie. It read:

  Greetings Miss,

  I read your ad and I couldn’t help but think of what an angel you must be. I have been searching for a young woman such as you. I am a strong, loving man who knows how to treat a woman properly.

  If you come, I will give you the best life that you can imagine. I am hard working and capable of protecting you against anything, and I am eagerly awaiting your response.

  I have enclosed a ticket for your journey.

  Sincerely,

  Hugh Clement

  Cassie was swept away by the letter. She could imagine a cowboy in her mind. A strong man who was also caring. A man who wasn’t afraid to tell the world how things were, but would understand her and what she wanted.

  Hugh sounded like the perfect man, exactly what she needed.

  Father is never going to approve of this. I’m going to have to keep this down until I can get my things together and make it out.

  Cassie knew that there was going to be a fight with her father if he found out what she was doing, but she also thought that it wasn’t any of his business who she married. He liked the rich young men in this city. The men who didn’t have any backbone or any real grit.

  Of course Father has always fixed everything in his life with his pocketbook.

  Cassie rolled her eyes as she thought of all the times when she was growing up that her father would write a bank note for anything that went wrong. Her father had never lifted a finger to fix anything himself; he always just paid to have someone else come in and do it.

  Cassie knew she was going to have to tell her father, but she didn’t feel that she needed to let him know in person. She could perfectly handle this if she were to write him a letter and have it delivered on the day she left.

  She would have the butler hold it for her, and when she was gone, he could put it in on her father’s desk. She would make an effort to tell him goodbye that morning, then she wouldn’t have to worry about it again.

  The next few days were a blur to Cassie. She packed her things, wrote the letter to her father, and she sent a reply to Hugh in Wyoming. She was a little nervous about the journey, but she knew that it was the right thing to do.

  If you want a man who is strong, you are going to have to prove to him that you are strong enough to match him.

  Cassie was a career-minded woman. She was a bit of a rebel in her society, but she didn’t care. She wanted to be a woman who was remembered, not a housewife, and if she was going to do that, she needed to do her part.

  The morning that Cassie was to leave came faster than she thought it would. As soon as she knew she wanted to leave, she thought time was going to drag by. In reality she didn’t have time to get everything done.

  That morning, she kissed her father and told him that she loved him, and that she hoped he had a great day. He acted as he always did, as though she was more of a bother to him than anything, and left.

  As soon as he was gone, Cassie gave the letter to the butler and told him to put it in her father’s study. She told him that she had always appreciated what he had done for her and her family, and then she left.

  Cassie made her way down to the train station and waited patiently for her train. She hoped against hope that she wouldn’t run into anyone that she knew, and she was greatly relieved when she heard the train conductor announce that they could board.

  The trees rushed by in such a blur that they looked like a streak of green and brown outside the window, but as they approached their last destination, the trees stopped rushing by and stood more alone.

  Cassie had butterflies in her stomach as she grabbed her bag off of the overhead. She took a deep breath on her way to the door.

  She stopped at the top of the stairs and scanned the crowd. She had been fortunate enough to have a small picture of herself to send to Hugh, so he knew what she looked like.

  Cassie hoped that he would get her attention right away so she didn’t hold up the line, but for a brief moment she saw nothing. Then, on the corner of the platform, she saw a shorter man with a large cowboy hat waving to her.

  She hesitated. Of course she hadn’t known what he looked like, but she had pictured in her mind a man who was tall and muscular. Seeing that he was shorter than she expected made her think of him was weaker, even though she didn’t know why.

  Cassie took a deep breath and smiled, then walked down the platform to meet him.

  *****

  “You are just as pretty as I was expecting, maybe even prettier. I don’t think your picture did you justice.” Hugh took her hand and kissed it, then took her bags.

  Cassie didn’t know what to say. She was caught completely off guard by how he looked, and everything that she had prepared to say flew from her mind.

  “Th-thank you,” she said. She had planned to put her hand in the crook of his arm, but as she was as tall as he was, she didn’t feel that the motion would be as natural as she was originally thinking it would be.

  He offered her his arm, and she awkwardly put her hands around it. They walked in silence to the courthouse, with a slight tension between them, neither one really knowing what to say.

  The ceremony itself was short. Cassie repeated what she was to say, and the judge signed the paper. They left with the same tension between them, growing more awkward as they went along.

  In her mind, Cassie was a mess. None of this was going as she planned, and she felt like it was all wrong. She wanted him to say something, anything, but he continued without so much as a word to her.

  Finally, Cassie broke the silence.

  “Are there any places around here looking to hire help?” she asked.

  Hugh looked at her in surprise, then shrugged.

  “I dunno. Why?”

  “Well I was thinking that I would start looking for a job right away, so I could start if they needed any help.”

  Hugh looked even more surprised than before, and stopped.

 
“You aren’t going to be getting a job. Your place is at home.”

  Cassie was shocked at this announcement. She was not going to be expected to stay at home if she didn’t want to. He could cook and clean as well as she could, and if he was going to help make the mess and eat the food, he was going to help her prepare it.

  There was a tight flash in her chest, and she had to bite her tongue. If she had been speaking with one of the men back home, she would have let him have a piece of her mind right then and there.

  Settle down, this is your husband, and you have to at least try to keep the peace with him. You don’t have to listen to him, but you can always not make a big deal out of getting your way.

  Cassie forced a tight smile, and put her hand around his arm.

  “We’ll discuss it later on,” she said, and changed the subject. “I like this town, but where is home?”

  It was clear that Hugh wanted to settle it now, but he went along with her change of subject.

  “We live out of town a little ways. I put the wagon over here, and I’ll show you.”

  The ride wasn’t long, but it still felt awkward. There was a bit of tension still lingering, but Cassie suspected neither one of them was willing to bend.

  It will get better. You just need to get around this initial meeting, and everything is going to settle in as it should. He’ll come around, you’ll see. Just give him a little time to see how things are now.

  Once you settle in, everything will get better.

  But things didn’t get better. In fact, they got a lot worse.

  They butted heads on everything, from what they liked to do with their free time to what they thought about family and friends. They didn’t even like the same kind of dinners, and Cassie was fed up with the idea of compromise.

  “I don’t mind doing things your way part of the time, but I feel like you never do things my way!” Cassie tried not to yell, but it was hard for her to keep her voice down.