Love in Lockdown

by Chloe James

  ‘Uncle Jim,’ I call, ‘where’ve you got the computer screen set up?’

  ‘What eh? You sound like my niece, Sophia.’

  ‘Yes I am Sophia. Uncle Jim, you need to move the screen. We can see, well I’m not sure what really. Have you got a woman in your bathroom?’

  By this time the screen is focused on a close-up of a woman whose voluminous skirt seems to have got caught up in her knickers. It is not a flattering view to put it mildly.

  ‘Good grief,’ shrieks someone – I think it might be Zach’s Auntie Val. ‘Somebody turn off that screen, it’s positively indecent!’

  ‘What did you say?’ bawls Jim. I don’t know why he’s shouting when it’s him who can’t hear us. There doesn’t seem to be any logic in it.

  ‘Move the screen,’ hollers my mum at top volume.

  ‘All right, all right, no need to shout,’ he says, calmly now, as if we’re the ones being unreasonable. Suddenly, thank goodness, the woman disappears from view – but then the screen goes black.

  ‘He’s gone,’ says Mum to my stepdad, Mark, who is now sitting with her.

  ‘Probably a good thing,’ says Mark under his breath but we all rather ironically hear him as clear as a bell.

  ‘No I haven’t, and I heard that,’ comes Uncle Jim’s voice, but we still can’t see him.

  ‘Are you all right down there?’ calls Jack.

  I mute my microphone. ‘I guess, apart from the fact my Uncle Jim’s got some strange woman in the bathroom flashing her knickers at the entire wedding congregation.’

  ‘Sounds more entertaining already than the average wedding.’ Jack laughs.

  ‘Oh no.’ I can’t help it, I yell with laughter. ‘The vicar has just come up on the screen. He’s got St Paul’s Cathedral as his background.’

  ‘That sort of goes with the wedding theme, I suppose.’

  ‘It’s not that, he’s brushing his hair with a toothbrush.’ He is too; it’s sort of slicked in a long comb-over, nicely damped down as though he’s used an entire tub of Brylcreem.

  Jack chuckles. ‘Doesn’t he know he’s on?’

  ‘Obviously not, just a minute, I’m going to unmute myself. Zach!’ I say to the groom, who’s clearly oblivious and is staring nervously at the door, waiting for Jess to appear. ‘Zach! The vicar doesn’t seem to realise he’s on!’

  Zach looks at the screen, where by now the vicar is trying to pluck a couple of stray nose hairs with some tweezers, which we have an excellent view of as he has the screen positioned so we can practically see his entire nasal cavity. To be honest, his task seems entirely pointless as he has what seems like bushes sprouting from his nostrils. I hardly think plucking one or two stray hairs at this point before the ceremony is quite going to cut it.

  ‘Reverend Bumble!’ Zach is saying. ‘Er, excuse me, Reverend Bumble?’ You’ve got to give Jess’s future husband points for politeness. ‘Reverend!’ He raises his voice to a shout now. ‘Your camera is turned on!’

  The vicar jumps as though he has been shot, dropping his trusty tweezers and next thing his screen goes black and he’s apparently left the meeting.

  ‘We’ve lost the vicar!’ laments Zach. ‘Where’s he gone?’

  ‘It’s okay I’m sure he’ll be back,’ I say more optimistically than I feel. I wonder if it’s too late to recruit another vicar. This one seems slightly faulty.

  Before anyone can do anything else, gentle music starts playing and Jess, resplendent in her dress, comes through the doorway of her townhouse and walks down the short stone path to stand by Zach. She looks so calm and radiant with happiness. I don’t think she even noticed the previous goings-on at all.

  You can see Zach is totally blown away and tears start coming to my eyes already. ‘You look incredible,’ he tells her.

  ‘How’s it going?’ calls down Jack.

  ‘She looks beautiful,’ I say, back on mute. ‘We have temporarily lost the vicar and my Uncle Jim but apart from that …’

  ‘Only a minor point.’ Jack chuckles.

  As if by magic, the vicar’s screen reappears, rather comically at the same time as Uncle Jim’s. The vicar is now standing in front of an attractive cottage garden with foxgloves and roses – it’s all beautifully picturesque. Uncle Jim is now on his sofa, huddled into one end, whilst the voluminous woman who was revealing too much of her anatomy earlier is at the other end. I presume they think this is social distancing. I still don’t even know who she is – probably some random passer-by knowing Uncle Jim.

  The vicar seems totally oblivious to the fact we were all party to his earlier hair and nose preparations and welcomes us to the wedding in hearty tones.

  ‘We are virtually gathered here today, to witness the marriage of Jessica and Zach.’

  ‘Have they found the vicar?’ asks Jack.

  I check I’m on mute. ‘Yes but he’s awfully funny, like a comedian dressed up. I’ve never seen anyone with more protruding teeth and uncontrollable facial hair, which seems to beetle all over his face like caterpillars – you know the kind with spikes, which you’re not supposed to touch because they’re poisonous?’ Not that I was thinking of touching the vicar’s face, but Jack will know what I mean.

  The vicar continues in a sonorous, booming voice. ‘Does any man know of any just cause or impediment why they should not be …’

  ‘Wait!’ calls Uncle Jim.

  ‘Oh no, I was worried this would happen,’ my mum laments. ‘Shh, Uncle Jim, you’re not supposed to join in this bit.’

  ‘There’s a mouse,’ he says.

  Everyone peers at the screen, which happens to be trained on the Reverend Bumble as he’s the one speaking and sure enough, in the scene behind him there’s a tiny little mouse, running so fast in the grass it looks as though it’s on wheels. But before the vicar can do anything a ginger cat legs it onto the scene and grabs it in his mouth and then tries to exit the garden by the nearest fence.

  ‘Oh,’ gasp various people.

  ‘Tiddles, leave that mouse alone!’ shouts the vicar.

  Cats usually hang on to a mouse they’ve caught if they can, but I think this one is somewhat surprised (I can’t blame him, as the vicar is waving his cassock at him, which is a pretty scary sight), because the cat immediately drops the mouse. It proceeds to run across the lawn again, where it’s snapped up by a dog. Rather than running off with its prize, the spaniel sits holding the poor little mouse in its mouth. This mouse must be thinking it’s having a really bad day. Meanwhile on the screens it’s total pandemonium: kids are laughing, people are offering helpful advice. Mum’s yelling, ‘Tell the dog to leave it!’

  The bride and groom are doubled up with laughter.

  ‘Nell, leave!’ bellows the vicar. Fortunately Nell is obviously of a biddable disposition and promptly drops the mouse, which seemingly perfectly unharmed, scurries off into a nearby bush and relative safety.

  The vicar looks a bit shaken by all of this. ‘Sorry about that,’ he says casually, as though this sort of thing is commonplace. His face looms ridiculously close to the screen. ‘I will be having a serious word with my pets after the service. Now … where were we?’

  Both Jessica and Zach say their vows clearly and thank goodness the screen only freezes slightly once, which is good going for a Zoom call. I notice Mum wiping a tear from her eye and even Henry the best man looks quite emotional for him, either that or he suffers from hay fever.

  Thank goodness and, I think, truly miraculously, the rest of the service goes without a hitch and the vicar looking eminently relieved pronounces Jess and Zach man and wife. As he does so, a great cheering comes from all the screens. Jack and I cheer madly too and round Jess and Zach’s courtyard garden, the neighbours in balconies either side of their house, throw down confetti, in a shower of rainbow pastel colours. It’s all really emotional and not for the first time today I’m really glad I’ve worn waterproof mascara.

  Dad gives his speech and tells Jess how important she has alway
s been to him and how he looks forward to welcoming Zach as part of the family. Zach’s mum also gives a speech saying how fond she is of Jess and I feel a flash of envy. Ryan’s mum was always horrible, making little snipey comments. Even when I had passed all my legal exams, she had nothing nice to say about it and I wonder randomly what Jack’s mum is like.

  The Reverend Bumble returns to the screen. ‘Now Jess’s godmother Steph is going to play the bride’s favourite song, “All You Need Is Love”, with the Quatrani string quartet!’

  Jess’s face is a picture, she obviously did not see this coming and I have to say I am also in tears as the strings group play her favourite piece of music. It’s so touching, all the musicians creating a completely united and beautiful piece of music from their separate homes.

  ‘Thank you so much, Steph, Mum and Sophia, who I think might have organised this. You’re the best!’ Jess says through her tears.

  All the relations on the screens clap and whoop.

  ‘And now,’ says the Reverend Bumble, ‘we have a montage created by Jess with the aid of a few little helpers.’

  The screen fills with photos of Jess as a child and of Zach when he was little, followed by lots of romantic shots of them both and then pictures of all of us as families, both ours and Zach’s. It all ends with a close-up of the paintings created by my class at school, which have come together to make an amazing big picture. It all works surprisingly well, with a large message in the middle, entwined with painted roses, saying, ‘Happy Wedding Day to Jess and Zach!’

  ‘Thanks so much,’ Zach says. ‘This painting is brilliant, thanks to Freya, Pritti, Lola, Milo, Alfie and Zane! We will be sending them all thank you cards with a piece of the wedding cake.’

  ‘Okay, so there’s someone watching this who is going to get a surprise of their own,’ says Jess, grinning.

  Whilst I am watching and wondering what she’s talking about, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a deliveryman walk through the courtyard’s archway to stand under my balcony. ‘Sophia Trent?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say, surprised.

  ‘Delivery for you – catch!’ With that, he throws a stunning bouquet of flowers. I realise it’s Jess’s bouquet as it sails towards me and in spite of my shock and usual ineptitude at sports, I somehow manage to catch it. Everyone on the screen cheers and I wave the bouquet at them.

  ‘Jess, you are unbelievable!’ I laugh at her. She’s just phoned me on FaceTime.

  ‘Ah, it’s my wedding day, I’m allowed to create a few surprises of my own!’

  ‘Seriously thank you so much – it’s gorgeous. I am so proud of you, Jess. You are the most beautiful bride I ever saw and I think I cried during half the service.’

  ‘No, thank you – look what you’ve done to make this day so special. I’m really proud of you, especially after all you have been through.’ I surreptitiously brush back the tears. I can’t cry at Jess on her special day, but her words mean so much. She might not understand exactly how I’m feeling some of the time, but she knows it’s been tough and that counts for a lot.

  ‘Jess?’

  ‘Oh Zach’s calling me. I’ve got to go and speak to a couple of our guests I haven’t had a chance to catch up with yet, but seriously, Sophia, thanks for everything.’

  She rings off and I stare at the bouquet for a second, lost in thought.

  ‘Hey,’ calls down Jack, ‘was that the bride’s bouquet you were given or is some random delivery man trying to chat you up?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I try to sniff quietly whilst wiping my face carefully with a tissue, so Jack doesn’t hear I’ve been crying. Weddings are meant to be happy. ‘I wish he’d brought me chocolates like the Milk Tray ad,’ I quip.

  ‘Meant to be good luck though. Is it all over?’

  ‘Yes.’ I smile. ‘It was such a beautiful ceremony, even with everyone watching from their living rooms. Made me feel so lucky that even though we all feel isolated at times, for so many different reasons, we aren’t alone, we’re all surrounded by people who love us. And at the end of the day, love conquers all.’

  Jack’s silent for a moment. ‘Wow, you’re quite philosophical when you get going.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I say, blushing. I hope I haven’t scared him off. ‘I probably shouldn’t drink any more; it’s gone straight to my head and now here I am rambling away.’

  ‘It’s nice,’ he assures me. ‘I like talking to you. Also I think it’s the first wedding I’ve ever been to that I’ve actually enjoyed.’

  ‘But you weren’t even at the actual wedding,’ I protest.

  ‘That’s probably why!’ He laughs.

  ‘You are totally impossible.’

  ‘I know, Sam’s always telling me that. Like another drink? I can make the next one a mocktail.’

  ‘Good idea.’ I sigh contentedly after he’s lowered it down on the rope. The Budweiser packet apparently came to a bad end, so Jack’s replaced it with a cardboard wine carrier. He’s covered it with sparkly dark blue paper with stars on, I notice. The thought of him painstakingly cutting up wrapping paper and sticking it on the cardboard makes me smile. It makes me wonder if … well I don’t know, it’s probably nothing, but maybe Jack is trying to impress me? Or perhaps it’s my imagination? I’m never very good at reading the signals. Look at what happened with Ryan. I had no idea my change of career was going to be such a disappointment to him. Or the epilepsy, although I know it was a shock. Now I worry what any future boyfriend would feel about my condition. I’d love to have half of Erica’s certainty round men and relationships.

  ‘I’m so pleased today went well,’ I continue. ‘The last wedding I went to was with Ryan, my ex, so I thought I’d never enjoy one again. But this was great. Then again Jess and I have always been close.’

  ‘You didn’t mention Ryan amongst the dodgy line-up of exes,’ he says tentatively. I wonder if he’s trying not to intrude.

  ‘No I s’pose I didn’t. Anyway, how about you – I haven’t heard about any of yours at all.’

  ‘Not much to tell to be honest. I dated a few girls in Agios Nikolaos.’

  ‘I can imagine. Being a barman in Greece must have been like one big party.’

  ‘Maybe. I had a few dodgy experiences though.’

  ‘Oh, anything you care to share?’

  ‘I went out with a Greek girl. She was bubbly and fun – Xanthe, her name was.’

  ‘She sounds lovely.’

  ‘She was, but not lovely enough for me to cope with her family.’

  ‘Well,’ I say, thinking of my own, ‘families can be tricky.’

  ‘You’re telling me. This little lot were something else. Within two dates, I had to go to meet her mother and was questioned by not only her father, but also by her three brothers – who were huge by the way; I wouldn’t have wanted to take them on in a fight – as to what my intentions were.’

  ‘Slightly awkward.’

  ‘Yes very. I’m afraid a couple of dates were enough. I was too scared.’

  I laugh. ‘Fair enough.’

  ‘Then there was “Alexa”.’

  ‘You dated the app?’

  ‘No, ha-ha, very funny. She was a nice girl but very blunt, had a habit of saying exactly what she thought.’

  ‘I guess at least you knew where you stood.’ I don’t add that I would have given anything for Ryan to have some similar traits. Honesty is important in any relationship. It had turned out I obviously didn’t know Ryan at all.

  ‘A bit too much so. I remember one time she told me I was quite good-looking for a British guy.’

  ‘Ooh, that’s a burn.’

  ‘Yep, you’d think I’d have had the sense to run away then, but after the third date, she turned up with another fit Greek god on her arm and told me I was dumped and she was going out with him.’

  ‘Her loss.’

  ‘I don’t know about that; he was really very good-looking.’

  ‘What happened after that?’

  ‘There were a
couple of girls who I just went on a few dates with, but nothing serious.’ He pauses and I feel as though he has perhaps been holding something back. ‘And then I met Laura.’

  There’s something in the way he says Laura, something final. As though maybe she changed something. ‘Laura?’ I echo.

  ‘We went out a few times, then it got serious quite quickly. She was different somehow. There was something fascinating and incredibly attractive about her, but we argued like cat and dog. We were more on and off than a bride’s nightgown.’

  I would laugh but somehow it doesn’t seem right to. ‘I guess some relationships are like that. But it sounds as though you had a connection, lots of sparks?’

  ‘Yes we did,’ he says thoughtfully. ‘Laura was one of those girls who attracts people like a moth to a flame. She sparkled when she was on good form and I fell for it like the idiot I am.’

  ‘What happened?’

  He sounds distracted, far away somehow, even though his voice stays steady. ‘I was really keen on her, yet …’ I wait patiently for him to continue. ‘Yet even then, I had some small niggling doubts that maybe there was more to her than I was seeing. Just sometimes, she would let her mask slip slightly and I would think, did you really just say that? But then within minutes, she would be lovely again and I would wonder if I imagined it all. She made me doubt myself and what I was doing. We rowed like anything as sometimes I would confront her about it and she would laugh at me.’

  I’m silent for a moment. ‘That must have been hard to deal with.’

  ‘Yes, I think people change – or maybe sometimes they’re good at hiding their real colours and you find you never really knew them in the first place.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I agree. ‘Sometimes it feels as though you never really know someone, however much time you spend with them. And other people you’ve hardly met feel as though you’ve known them all your life.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he says contemplatively, ‘it’s strange but I feel like I’ve known you forever.’

  ‘That’s because you’ve been stuck in and had no one else to talk to!’ I feel ridiculously pleased and yet … something makes me deflect the compliment. Ryan would say nice things all the time, but in the end it didn’t count for anything, not after things changed.