The Family Secret

by Tracy Buchanan

  I could see what he was doing, trying to sweep what we had under the carpet. Maybe he didn’t believe I’d left a note? How could I convince him?

  Asher clapped his hands then. Everyone turned towards him. ‘Dinner is served,’ he said. He walked over to us, Cole by his side. ‘We’ve set places for you, I insist you both join us.’

  Cole and I shrugged at each other.

  ‘How can we resist?’ Cole said. ‘It smells delicious.’

  And how could I resist spending more time with Dylan? I smiled at him but he didn’t smile back. I chewed at my lip. Maybe I’d got it all wrong?

  We walked into a huge dining room and each took a seat at a glossy white table that ran the length of the room. Hanging above were golden pendants of different sizes and hues, creating an ethereal semi-lit hue.

  ‘Champagne?’ Asher asked.

  I shook my head. I wanted to have a clear mind.

  ‘Any whisky?’ Dylan asked.

  ‘Of course,’ Asher replied, fetching a bottle from a drinks cabinet and pouring Dylan some. Asher then sat down and introduced us to his other guests, many of whom worked in the creative industries: architects, graphic designers, artists, writers. Asher himself ran the biggest advertising agency in the country and clearly did well for himself, judging by the calibre of his friends with their designer clothes and diamond earrings.

  One woman stood out though. She had long silver hair and a flowing white dress, a luxurious fur robe around her shoulders.

  ‘My lovely wife, Hekla,’ Asher said, introducing her to us.

  Hekla turned her vivid green eyes to me. She looked to be in her thirties, but I suspected she was older than that, hints of a nip and tuck evident in the stretch of the skin on her face and the plumpness of her lips. Apart from her voluptuous breasts she was tiny, seeming to be just about five foot.

  ‘This is the documentary-maker I was telling you about,’ Asher said.

  Her face lit up. ‘Wonderful! What are you working on at the moment?’

  ‘We’re filming the seals at Diamond Beach.’

  ‘What a mystical place it is,’ she said wistfully. ‘Such an atmosphere.’

  ‘I agree, it’s amazing there.’

  ‘So, tell me what these celebrations are all about,’ Cole asked, gesturing to the bonfire.

  ‘We call it Þrettándinn,’ Asher explained. ‘A goodbye to Christmas and a chance to finish all the drink and food we have left over.’

  ‘What’s the bonfire all about?’ I asked.

  ‘The bonfire is to celebrate the departure of the fairies and the elves,’ Hekla said solemnly. ‘The elves inhabit this earth over Christmas, and this is a chance to say goodbye.’

  Dylan and I exchanged a look, both of us trying to keep straight faces. I felt my breath quicken with desire.

  ‘It’s a very magical time,’ Hekla continued, oblivious to our bemused looks. ‘In fact, I am quite sure the seals at Jökulsárlón glacial lagoon will be shedding their skins later and will dance naked on the beach.’

  I smiled. ‘I can so see Duchess doing that.’

  ‘Duchess?’ Hekla asked. I told her all about the mother seal. ‘How lucky you are,’ she said after I’d finished, ‘to be able to observe the creatures at such close quarters. Tell me all about it.’

  Over the next couple of hours, we enjoyed a wonderful meal as I was asked questions about my work and I learnt about everyone else. I tried not to look at Dylan, but I couldn’t help myself. I could tell he was doing the same, catching my eye when I turned towards him and quickly looking away.

  ‘What about you?’ Asher asked me when the conversation turned to family. ‘Any family waiting for you back home?’

  I shook my head quickly. ‘Parents are dead, no siblings.’

  ‘That explains the sadness in your eyes!’ Hekla exclaimed. ‘I knew there was something. What happened?’ she asked, eyes hungry for information.

  ‘Car crash … though it was many years ago now. I didn’t realise there was sadness in my eyes,’ I said, attempting to sound light-hearted.

  But Hekla didn’t laugh back, just continued watching me. I looked away. Why did they have to bring it up? I’d been having such a good time. But now my mind was filled with memories, dark memories.

  ‘Come,’ Asher says. ‘It’s time to see the bonfire.’

  I stood, welcoming the distraction. We bundled ourselves up in our coats again and headed out into the heavy snow. I stood with the two brothers, watching as the flames leapt into the air and danced on their handsome faces.

  I thought of another time, another bonfire. It was just before I left my parents. A summer music event was being held at a local park with a big campfire. It was the first time we’d ventured out after what I’d done. Several months had passed and we’d spent those months hidden away mainly, going to work and school before returning to silence at home. Then Mum had said out of the blue: ‘Let’s go to the event up the road.’

  I’d been surprised but excited. Anxious too. What would people say? We did get stares as we approached the park but I focused on the flames ahead of me and the warmth that radiated from them. Dad even bought me candy floss and Mum smiled at me and it was like everything was back to normal again. But, of course, it wasn’t. A boy walked past, a boy we both recognised from that fateful day. He glimpsed over at me, eyes widening in recognition. I saw it on my mum’s face then, the memories slashed across it. Before I knew it, her hand was slipping from mine and she was walking away.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ my dad had asked, running after her. But I had known. And as I stood alone, the feeling of the campfire’s warmth on my skin was suddenly scorching. I imagined stepping into the flames.

  Would my parents even notice? I remembered thinking.

  ‘Gwyneth?’ Dylan said softly. I looked up at him, forcing a smile. He put his fingers to my cheeks. ‘You’re crying.’

  I wiped the tears away with my sleeve. ‘It’s just the cold. It affects my eyes.’ I looked at my watch. It was nearly eight. ‘Shit. I really ought to get back.’

  ‘I’ll give you a lift,’ Cole said. ‘I haven’t even checked into my hotel so I better do that.’

  Dylan looked between us, brow creased. I wish he’d offer to take me back.

  ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ I asked them.

  Cole shrugged. ‘I was going to suggest doing something. Asher and I were talking over dinner. He now wants to have a business breakfast here the day after tomorrow instead of meeting in the city tomorrow. So now I have a whole day free.’

  ‘Why don’t you both come to Diamond Beach, where I’m filming?’ I asked. ‘It’s beautiful and you’ll get a chance to see what I do.’

  Cole smiled. ‘Absolutely.’

  But Dylan hesitated.

  ‘Please,’ I said.

  His face softened. ‘Okay.’

  Relief flooded through me. ‘Good. Maybe you’ll strike it lucky and witness Duchess’s first voyage since having her pup.’

  Cole and Dylan arrived in Dylan’s truck the next day as the sun was beginning to rise in the middle of the morning. Daylight hours are much shorter in Iceland. It was a particularly beautiful sunrise, bruising the sky a deep hue of pink that was reflected in the sea and the icebergs. It felt surreal to be surrounded by all that pink.

  As Dylan approached, I tried to control my breathing. The effect he had on me! I busied myself making coffee for the two brothers as they looked around them in awe.

  ‘This place is out of this world,’ Dylan said as he went up to an iceberg and placed his large hand gently against it. In the distance, Cole set about taking photos.

  I handed Dylan a coffee. ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’

  ‘It is. That’s the Duchess, I take it?’ he said, gesturing towards the large seal.

  I nodded. ‘I sensed something different in her this morning. A new resolution. I really think this might be the day she leaves the pup. She’s been moving more than she usually does, nudgi
ng him. I think he knows,’ I said sadly. ‘The playfulness is gone.’

  ‘You better get filming then,’ Dylan said. ‘Can I join you? Cole said something about taking a boat trip but I’d rather be here.’

  I bit my lip to stop smiling. He seemed better today, more open to being with me. Cole set off on a boat ride, slightly put out his brother wasn’t joining him. Over the next few hours I sat with Dylan on a rock, my camera whirring. I got Dylan to place his eye to the viewfinder, and a smile spread across his face as Duchess waddled to the edge of the iceberg.

  ‘This is it,’ I whispered.

  The atmosphere in the camp went electric and a hush fell as Duchess placed her flippers at the edge of the iceberg. Then she jumped and slid beneath the waves.

  The pup shuffled to the edge of the iceberg, staring forlornly into the sea, and my heart went out to him. I knew he’d be fine: he’d had many weeks of her milk and was in good form. But how would he survive the loss of her as a mother: her proximity, her reassuring nudges, the play she sometimes tolerated? I could see in his expression the loss lay heavy on him and, as I zoomed in, I managed to get a superb shot of his face, made even better by the fact it had started to snow again.

  I suddenly wondered if I’d looked the same when my parents had stepped into that taxi to leave me at the hotel all those years before. I hadn’t seen my mother’s face from the window, just the back of her head. Like Duchess, maybe she knew it was what had to be done for my survival. I’d been in such trouble at school the preceding months. It was only her version of what Duchess was doing to keep her pup alive. Maybe not turning back to look at me was a form of self-preservation, as it was for Duchess now?

  But as I thought that, Duchess’s dark head popped up in the water a few metres from the iceberg and she glanced back at her son through the snow to check he was okay.

  Dylan put his hand on my arm. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yep,’ I said, smiling. ‘Just sad filming is over.’

  He didn’t look too convinced but he nodded anyway. ‘That pup looked pretty sad.’

  ‘Duchess too.’

  ‘Reminds me of when Heather left to go to university two years ago.’

  ‘How is Heather? Cole said she’s fine now?’

  Dylan stared down at his gloved hands. ‘She’ll never be fine.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He gazed at the icy sea, an array of emotions running over his face. ‘She saw something when she was a kid. Something no ten-year-old should see.’

  ‘What did she see?’ I asked.

  He opened his mouth then closed it. ‘It’s not my place to talk about it.’

  I wanted to pry but it wasn’t my place either so we kept quiet for a few moments.

  ‘Must feel surreal ending nine months of work?’ he asked me after a while.

  ‘It does, actually. I’ve been doing some other filming too, just for me.’

  He tilted his head, a small smile on his handsome face. Snowflakes clung to his beard then melted. ‘Oh yeah?’

  ‘It’s nothing really,’ I said, suddenly feeling embarrassed about my little side project.

  ‘Tell me,’ Dylan said, dark eyes encouraging.

  ‘Okay,’ I said, turning towards him. ‘I’ve always been fascinated how animals take shelter in abandoned buildings. Not just take shelter but create homes from them too. You never know what wildlife you might find. I once discovered a family of deer in an old abandoned petrol station in Alaska. Anyway, there’s an old building up the road I’ve been visiting at night to film. I found an arctic fox in there, curled up with her cubs. It was amazing to watch the footage back.’ I smiled. ‘It’s really quite something, the contrast between nature and man-made structures.’

  Dylan’s smile deepened. ‘Sounds amazing. You’d love Asher’s farmland that I’ve been working on. There are lots of abandoned buildings there.’

  ‘You trying to lure me into an abandoned building on my own?’

  ‘Yeah, maybe.’

  We smiled at each other, eyes sparkling. If there weren’t so many people around us, I swear we would have kissed.

  But then Cole turned up anyway, cheeks red from the cold.

  Dylan sighed and reluctantly looked at his brother. ‘How was it?’

  ‘It was amazing,’ he said. ‘I saw a whale!’

  ‘That ocean is rather impressive,’ I said, looking out at it.

  ‘Michelle’s offered me a lift back to my hotel,’ he said, gesturing to the pretty guide who helped with the boat tours sometimes. ‘She lives around the corner, saves you having to go in the opposite direction.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Julia said as she passed. ‘With the snow coming down pretty heavy and the sun setting, the ring road might shut.’

  Dylan looked Michelle up and down. ‘Right, okay. Remember to call Rhonda later?’

  Cole smiled but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Sure thing. I’ll be coming to the house for breakfast before I fly out tomorrow. Asher asked me to invite you too, Gwyneth. See you then?’

  Cole walked away with the girl, leaning over and whispering something in her ear while she giggled. Dylan watched them, his brow furrowed.

  ‘I suggest you get on the road soon, Dylan,’ Julia said to him. ‘The snow’s coming down pretty heavily. I wasn’t joking when I said the ring road might shut.’

  Dylan and I looked up at the worsening snow and darkening skies then looked at each other. I knew there was breakfast the next morning, but I wanted to be with him now.

  ‘Come back with me,’ he said, as if reading my thoughts. ‘Asher and Hekla are out tonight anyway. We can have dinner, catch up.’

  Was I ready for this? I knew I wanted to pick things up where we’d left them. But the past year had been painful. If we lost touch again …

  But before I knew it, I was saying yes.

  We drove through the heavy snow in silence, the tension palpable between us. Truth was, I wanted to reach over, grab his face in my hands and kiss him. I glanced over at Dylan, took in his strong profile, the sweep of his dark hair, the curve of his lips.

  ‘It’s getting worse,’ he said.

  I looked out of the window. He was right. The moon, which had just been shining bright in the sky, was blotted by heavy clouds, and snow was falling like confetti on the truck’s windscreen. Dylan worked the wipers frantically to push it away but visibility was appalling. Other cars overtook us in the dark on the ring road, used to weather conditions like this. Or maybe it was more that locals knew, with snow as heavy as this, the ring road would definitely close so they wanted to get off it quickly.

  As I thought that, the truck suddenly jolted, wheels spinning as the steering wheel fought against Dylan’s hands.

  ‘Shit,’ I said as I grabbed the door handle. ‘I should have driven,’ I tried to joke. But Dylan’s face was heavy with concentration as he tried to regain control of the truck as it zig-zagged across the road. Eventually he managed to steer it to the side.

  We both sat wide-eyed, trying to catch our breaths.

  ‘I think we need to sit this out if we can,’ Dylan said.

  ‘You’re right.’ I wound down my window and peered out as the snow bombarded my face. ‘There’s a side road down there. Let’s turn into it – carefully,’ I added. ‘Better that than spinning out again on the main road.’

  He nodded. ‘Agreed.’ He restarted the truck, carefully drove towards the side road and came to a stop by a dark snowy field. The snow was coming down so fast and heavy now, I couldn’t see the moon any more.

  ‘I feel like we’re sitting under a big duvet,’ I said as Dylan kept the engine running. ‘When do you think it’ll stop?’

  Dylan shrugged, leaning his head back against the headrest as he turned to look at me. ‘Who knows? But I kind of like the view.’

  I felt my face flush.

  ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about you,’ he murmured. ‘Every day this whole year. You and how you just left.’

&nb
sp; ‘I told you, I put a note on my bed with my number on it!’

  ‘But you still left.’ He sighed. ‘Look, I know my family’s messed up but you know I’m my own person, right?’

  ‘It wasn’t your family, Dylan. Your family’s lovely. It’s just—’ I paused. ‘Seeing your sister like that just brought back memories. And running away is something I’m pretty damn good at when I freak out.’

  ‘Me too,’ he admitted.

  ‘Like coming here?’

  ‘Part of it was running away. The other part is running towards you. I’ve never done that, you know – just flown out to another country to find a girl.’

  I reached over, my fingers running over the bristles of his beard. ‘I really am sorry, Dylan,’ I whispered. ‘I didn’t want to leave you. I wanted you to call, and then we’d see each other again, I was so sure of it. That connection we had. That we have. I knew it was strong enough to withstand me leaving that day.’ I looked away from him. ‘But then you didn’t call and I doubted myself, thought I’d imagined those feelings.’

  He suddenly pulled me towards him, his face close to mine. Then he kissed me, soft at first, then hard and fierce and my body responded in a rush of feeling. He pulled away, his dark eyes deep in mine. ‘Did you imagine that?’ he asked in a husky voice.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ I said with a slight smile. ‘But I think you need to do it again just so I can make sure.’

  So he did, our kisses growing deeper and more intense, so intense we were soon grabbing at each other’s clothes, pulling them off in the darkness of the truck as the snow filled the windscreen. I felt Dylan’s breath on my neck, my breasts, his fingers pulling at the zip on my jeans and then he was inside me and it felt as if we and that snow-laden truck were the only things left in the world. As if all our secrets and our dark memories were melting like the snow would.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I curled up next to Dylan in the backseat of his truck, the fur throw soft on our skin. It felt as though the past year without one another had just melted away. The road was passable now, the snow light in the morning darkness. But we didn’t want to move, hidden away in that side road with the engine rumbling to keep us warm.