The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen

by Rudolf Erich Raspe

  CHAPTER XXVI

  _A feast on live bulls and kava--The inhabitants admire the Europeanadventurers--The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him greatcompliments--The inhabitants of the centre of Africa descended fromthe people of the moon proved by an inscription in Africa, and by theanalogy of their language, which is also the same with that of theancient Scythians--The Baron is declared sovereign of the interiorof Africa on the decease of the Emperor--He endeavours to abolish thecustom of eating live bulls, which excites much discontent--The adviceof Hilaro Frosticos upon the occasion--The Baron makes a speech to anAssembly of the states, which only excites greater murmurs--He consultswith Hilaro Frosticos._

  Having passed over the nearest mountains we entered a delightful vale,where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living bulls,whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of thecreature's carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunateanimal. Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feastbut _kava_, made as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusionof the feast we perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drankwith the utmost avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea ofuniversal benevolence, I determined to abolish the custom of eating liveflesh and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a thing could not beimmediately effected, whatever in future time might be performed.

  Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set outtowards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of ourappearance was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. Themultitude looked upon Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons, andthe whole company, as something more than terrestrial, but especiallythe thunder of our fire-arms, which struck horror and amazement into thewhole nation.

  We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a nobleriver, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in grandprocession to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a dromedary,royally caparisoned, with all his attendants on foot through respectfor his Majesty. He was rather above the middle stature of that country,four feet three inches in height, with a countenance, like all hiscountrymen, as white as snow! He was preceded by a band of mostexquisite music, according to the fashion of the country, and his wholeretinue halted within about fifty paces of our troop. We returned thesalute by a discharge of musketry, and a flourish of our trumpetsand martial music. I commanded our caravan to halt, and dismounting,advanced uncovered, with only two attendants, towards his Majesty. Theemperor was equally polite, and descending from his dromedary, advancedto meet me. "I am happy," said he, "to have the honour to receive soillustrious a traveller, and assure you that everything in my empireshall be at your disposal."

  I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I wasto meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa, andthat I hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem, byintroducing the arts and sciences of Europe among the people.

  I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does notappear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the inhabitantsof the moon, because the principal language spoken there, and in thecentre of Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and method ofwriting are pretty much the same, and show the extreme antiquity of thispeople, and their exalted origin. I here give you a specimen of theirwriting [_Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung._ p. 46]:--Stregnah, dnaskoohtop.

  These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebratedantiquarian, and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one,in his next volume, what an immediate intercourse there must have beenbetween the inhabitants of the moon and the ancient Scythians, whichScythians did not by any means inhabit a part of Russia, but thecentral part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my very learnedand laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters, are_Sregnah dna skoohtop_; that is, The Scythians are of heavenly origin.The word _Sregnah_, which signifies _Scythians_, is compounded of _sreg_or _sre_, whence our present English word sire, or sir: and _nah_,or _gnah_, knowledge, because the Scythians united the essentials ofnobility and learning together: _dna_ signifies heaven, or belonging tothe moon, from _duna_, who was anciently worshipped as goddess of thatluminary. And _skooh-top_ signifies the origin or beginning of anything,from _skoo_, the name used in the moon for a point in geometry, and_top_ or _htop_, vegetation. These words are inscribed at this day upona pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly at the source of the riverNiger; and if any one refuses his assent, he may go there to beconvinced.

  The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration ofhis courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that Africanmagnificence could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on anyexpedition without consulting us, and looking upon us as a speciesof superior beings, paid the greatest respect to our opinions. Hefrequently asked me about the states of Europe, and the kingdom of GreatBritain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave him ofour shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We taught him to regulatethe government nearly on the same plan with the British constitution,and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility. His majestywas the last of his royal line, and on his decease, with the unanimousconsent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire. The nobilityand chiefs of the country immediately waited upon me with petitions,entreating me to accept the government. I consulted with my noblefriends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was agreedthat I should accept the government, not as actual and independentmonarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of England.

  I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live fleshand drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive methodto wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my astonishment,was not taken in good part by the nation, and they looked with jealousyat those strangers who wanted to make innovations among them.

  Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creaturescould be capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heartfraught with universal benevolence and good will to all mankind couldbe capable of desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion andincitement. I did not harshly reprove them, but I invited frequentlywhole thousands to dine, after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted meat.Alas, 'twas all in vain! my goodness nearly excited a sedition. Theymurmured among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild and ambitiousviews, as if I, O heaven! could have had any personal interested motivein making them live like men, rather than like crocodiles and tigers. Infine, perceiving that gentleness could be of no avail, well knowingthat when complaisance can effect nothing from some spirits, compulsionexcites respect and veneration, I prohibited, under the pain of theseverest penalties, the drinking of kava, or eating of live flesh,for the space of nine days, within the districts of Angalinar andPaphagalna.

  But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation ofmy government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universallypasquinadoed; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showeredupon the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine,there never was a government so much detested, or with such littlereason.

  In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend HilaroFrosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the restof the council, who had advised me to the former method, had given buta poor specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I should havesucceeded more happily. In short, he addressed himself to me and to thecouncil as follows:--

  "It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavoursto compel or force these people to a life to which they have never beenaccustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding, roastbeef, minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet, thatwine is exquisite. Alas! they cannot, they will not comprehend whatdeliciousness is, what sweetness, or what the flavour of the grape. Andeven if they were convinced of the superior excellence of your way oflife, never, never would they be persuaded; and that
if for no otherreason, but because force or persuasion is employed to induce them toit. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us try another method. Myopinion, therefore, is, that we should at once cease all endeavours tocompel or persuade them. But let us, if possible, procure a quantity of_fudge_ from England, and carelessly scatter it over all the country;and from this disposal of matters I presume--nay, I have a moralcertainty, that we shall reclaim this people from horror and barbarity."

  Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violentlyopposed in the council; but now, when every other attempt had failed,when there seemed no other resource, the majority willingly submitted tothey knew not what, for they absolutely had no idea of the manner,the possibilities of success, or how they could bring matters to bear.However, 'twas a scheme, and as such they submitted. For my part, Ilistened with ecstasy to the words of Hilaro Frosticos, for I knew thathe had a most singular knowledge of human kind, and could humour andpersuade them on to their own happiness and universal good. Therefore,according to the advice of Hilaro, I despatched a balloon with four menover the desert to the Cape of Good Hope, with letters to be forwardedto England, requiring, without delay, a few cargoes of fudge.

  The people had all this time remained in a general state of ferment andmurmur. Everything that rancour, low wit, and deplorable ignorancecould conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The mostworthy, even the most beneficent actions, everything that was amiable,were perverted into opposition.

  The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to beinsensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the wholekingdom; and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled with anidea of such continued ingratitude, I spoke as pathetic as possible,not, methought, beneath my dignity, to make them feel for me: that theuniversal good and happiness of the people were all I wished or desired;that if my actions had been mistaken, or improper surmises formed, stillI had no wish, no desire, but the public welfare, &c. &c. &c.

  Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much disturbed; he looked sternly atme--he frowned, but I was so engrossed with the warmth of my heart, myintentions, that I understood him not: in a minute I saw nothing but asif through a cloud (such is the force of amiable sensibility)--lords,ladies, chiefs--the whole assembly seemed to swim before my sight.The more I thought on my good intentions, the lampoons which so muchaffected my delicacy, good nature, tenderness--I forgot myself--I spokerapid, violent--beneficence--fire--tenderness--alas! I melted intotears!

  "Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos.

  Now, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirised, carribonadoed,bepickled, and bedevilled. One day, with my arm full of lampoons, Istarted up as Hilaro entered the room, the tears in my eyes: "Look, lookhere, Hilaro!--how can I bear all this? It is impossible to pleasethem; I will leave the government--I cannot bear it! See what pitifulanecdotes--what surmises: I will make my people feel for me--I willleave the government!"

  "Pshaw!" says Hilaro. At that simple mono-syllable I found myselfchanged as if by magic! for I ever looked on Hilaro as a person soexperienced--such fortitude, such good sense. "There are three sails,under the convoy of a frigate," added Hilaro, "just arrived at the Cape,after a fortunate passage, laden with the fudge that we demanded.No time is to be lost; let it be immediately conducted hither, anddistributed through the principal granaries of the empire."