by Eden Fortae
"I didn't believe it. I didn't want to. When we took him to the desert, I snagged some of his hair, had one of my connects run it privately with fake names, a sample from me, and hair from that little shit Vaughn—Aj. I was fucked up. Eden's the only reason I kept it together. She brought me peace."
Deep breaths caught his attention. Concerned that Donny was choking on his vomit, Antonio hit the light. Donny's eyes were closed, but a wet streak traveled from eyes to ears.
"Eden checked into a psych hospital. She's barely a shell of the woman I fell for, but I still love her. She can't see it. I'm scared she never will. She's gone, and soon, our baby will be too."
These confessions were like whiplash. Before he could recover from the last, Donny slapped him with another shocking blow. Remembering himself in a similar situation, Antonio chose compassion over tough love. For months, Donny shut the entire family out. For him to confess now, drunk or not, Antonio felt his pain. This was like Clara all over again but with a fucked up twist.
Donny managed to stand on his own. Staggering, he made it to the living room and grabbed a bottle from the bar. Antonio took it away, triggering anger. The bitterness became unmasked.
"Why the fuck are you still here, Tonito?! You have a beautiful family waiting for you at home. Go be with them!"
"You are my family."
"Haven't you been listening?" He slurred, "I'm supposed to be alone! My eyes were closed before. Not anymore." He was practically in Antonio's face now, looking him eye to eye, angry as hell with his fists balled at his side. "I'm the stray dog you found on the streets and took home out of pity. You've been looking for every way to drop me off at the corner like everyone else, but I kept trailing behind until you found Kya. Eden, too." He paused for a moment, then cracked a smile." What are you waiting for, Tonito? Me to tell you how beautiful I think Kya is? Everything I'd do to her if she were mine? Is that what I have to do?"
Antonio remained calm and in place. Not the least bit intimidated or gullible. He stood his ground. "I see. Anything to numb the pain. Alcohol or me knocking your teeth out. I see beyond it. You know I'm not going anywhere, either. I know you know that."
Donny huffed, his face contorted with even more anger as he staggered back, fisting his hair. His lips were moving, speaking in a whisper. He began pacing, dropping his hands.
"Get the fuck out of here!"
"No. Next?"
"It wasn't a fucking question."
"And I still said no. I'll go home when I know you're good. Until then, we're roommates."
From the corner of his eye, he watched Antonio cross his arms and make himself comfortable on the high stool, sitting sideways and leaning back on the counter. When he faced him, Antonio's expression face said he was prepared to fight. Tired and emotionally wrung, Donny dropped to the sofa, holding his head in his hands.
"I fell hard. My life became Eden. Waking up every day to love her more gave me purpose. Now that she's gone, my world is crumbling. Things I thought were buried and cemented are pushing to the surface. I've always been grateful for what I have and who. I don't give a fuck about Art. I made peace with my birth mother. For a second, I was going to have my own family. Now, I'm not, and I'm drowning. I don't know what to do to stop it."
Silence fell between them. After a few minutes, Antonio pushed off the stool. When he approached Donny, he pulled him up by his shoulders and embraced him.
"I won't let you drown. No matter how long it takes, we'll get you through this."
Donny embraced him back, clenching his jaw to hold back the tears he refused. If nothing else was certain, Antonio's presence served as a reminder. He had reasons to be happy again, and he wouldn't have to rediscover them alone.
PART III
THIRTY-FOUR
Six months later…
Sunshine. The experts said it helps with depression. For months, the window at the end of the hall proved them right. From there, Eden watched the sun rise and fall behind the buildings. In-between, the golden rays pouring through soaked into her skin. With it came happy thoughts. Memories lost behind the events that’d kept her locked away.
On the street, it felt different. The appreciation for it remained, but it did nothing for her nerves. She stood in the same spot for several long minutes, taking it all in to silently encourage herself. Blinking slowly, she breathed out and started walking.
Inside the building, she found herself stopping once again. On her way up the stairs, Donny was coming down. His appearance struck her like seeing him for the first time. His hair was cut short, his beard still long but neatly trimmed. Somehow, the attraction had grown to the point of making her want to shy away.
Her eyes trailed over his body just as he did the same, settling on her stomach then back to her face. She wasn’t expecting happiness, but his reaction wasn’t what she anticipated either. Temporary shock gave way to indifference. It felt like hatred.
“Hello, Donovan.”
“Hello,” his reply, curt and emotionless. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs with several feet between them. His cologne wrapped around her like the sun. Warm with so many memories.
“How’ve you been?”
He cracked a small smile, his eyes lacking amusement, “I couldn’t be near the woman I loved and had no clue if the baby I’d just learned of would live or not. I’ve been as well as one could be under those circumstances. You?”
Licking her lips was all she could do to minimize the sting. Thinking much clearer now, she could see the error in her question and the pain it caused him to relive that.
“Better. I apologize for the stupid question. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Understood.” That was it. He didn’t invite her upstairs or say anything more. His stance and style of dress suggested he had somewhere else to be. The sting worsened.
“I just came by to bring you something. I could have mailed it. This was quicker.” The black spiral notebook nearly fell from her hand as she nervously pulled it from her bag. Feeling her way around, she also retrieved a pen and quickly scribbled on the back. “Chloe helped me get a new apartment,” she handed it to him, noting his slow reaction. The way he was looking at her and lack of words hurt. It was to be expected, but still. “Good seeing you, Donovan.”
He only nodded as she turned and left the building. With each step, she hoped he’d chase her down or call her name. Donny did neither, and although saddened, she didn’t blame him.
Four hours on her own, and Eden was already going against the doctor’s advice. Chloe was more than a doctor, though. She’d become something like a friend. Her light touch and stern tone during treatment was what the other therapists lacked. Chloe cared without motive. She helped with no expectation other than Eden’s honesty and effort. For that reason, Eden viewed her guidance like laws, following it all closely to stay on course with her progress. Except for when it came to this.
Hands clasped in front of her, Eden swayed back and forth, breathing through the anxiety to find the words to begin.
“First, I want to thank all of you for this. It means more than you know. Hopefully, by the end of this, you’ll understand.”
She paused for another breath, looking from Kya and Karrina to Donny’s parents. The whole family held the same neutral expression except the children playing off to the side. Seeing them warmed her heart in ways that made this meeting more necessary. At that moment, they were the sunshine. For as long as she could, she watched them and soaked in their joy.
The energy in the room spoke of concern and a little tension. One person was missing. A vital part of the reason they were there wasn’t among them. They didn’t know she left him out intentionally or how important it was for her to do it this way.
“As a part of my therapy, I have to speak honestly and openly. This is my first time doing it outside of an office, so if I start rambling, please forgive me,” she laughed lightly, encouraged by Hae and her small smile. “You know I didn’t come from a family like yours, that I was unwant
ed, and my abuse, willfully ignored. Everything I craved made me vulnerable to more abuse. To cope, I had to go from being a hurt little girl to an emotionless woman. I hid my trauma from people who cared about me because I wasn’t proud of what I’d done to mask it or who I’d become.
“I thought I could go about life keeping people at a distance so they couldn’t see what made my family not want me. Then I was shown what it’s like to be wanted. I met all of you, and I saw what I’d been deprived of. You were there for me during some hard times when you didn’t have to be.”
She paused again, unable to stop herself from crying. Kya began to rise. Eden held up her hand, shaking her head. Her friend had kept her location secret since the day after Donny’s hospital visit. She’d done more than enough already.
Fanning herself, Eden wiped her face with her other hand. “Months ago, I was attacked. It felt like the final straw. It almost was, but I felt something stronger than pain for the first time in my life. I was concerned my actions might hurt you and, of course, Donovan. I checked myself into a hospital. I found out I was pregnant shortly after. My world came tumbling down at that point,” she managed to laugh again. “I didn’t know who the father was initially. Finding out it was Donovan was bittersweet. I knew I couldn’t be a mother. I couldn’t put my trauma on an innocent child. I barely know how to love. I was programmed to believe I couldn’t love, and I thought it was wrong to force a child to endure the mess that I didn’t create but had finally decided to fix. Although I had a great doctor, she couldn’t help with my selfishness.”
Placing her hand over her stomach, Eden looked down at it. “I don’t know what I’m doing or how, but I’m going to try hard. I’m not one-hundred-percent, but I’m in a much better space mentally. My trauma doesn’t define me. What I do with my life from here does. I am so sorry for any stress I’ve caused you. After all of this time and the way I disappeared, I have no right to ask only weeks before I’m due, but please find it in your hearts to forgive me and welcome this baby the way you welcomed me? He deserves you. With a mother like me, he’s going to need all the love he can get.”
As she started to cry again, Hae stood. Eden caught herself holding her breath as Donny’s mother walked over to her and smiled, “Welcome home.”
When Fredo came up behind her with Kya and Karrina closing in, Eden sobbed. One by one, they held her and smiled as if she’d never left. Antonio was the last to approach her. When he did, she noticed the difference in expression. He gave her a hug conveying the message as the rest of his family. He welcomed her back and would be there for her baby, but he knew the pain she caused Donny, and he wasn’t ready to forgive her for that. Little did he know, she wasn’t either.
THIRTY-FIVE
That notebook burned a hole in his mind. Every few seconds, his eyes drifted to the rearview mirror where it sat on the backseat. Seeing Eden had taken him by surprise. Her heavily pregnant belly struck a chord so deep, Donny had to force himself to think about dinner with his birth mother and nothing more. Throughout the meal, he thought of Eden and the notebook. He found himself doing the same thing on his way home, but as he stepped into his apartment, a sense of dread washed over him. Suddenly, all the worse scenarios ran across his mind prompting Donny to workout and shower before deciding to man up and open it.
With a bottle of water, he plopped down on his sofa and looked at the back first. The address wasn’t too far from the hospital but still relatively close to him. Against his will, he was comforted by the thought, flipping the book back to the front. A slip of paper fell from it, floating between the cushions. Setting his water down, Donny wiped his hand across his bare chest then retrieved it.
Without the arrow and the words, he wouldn’t have known what he was was. The black and white image showed proof the baby was a boy. Behind his inability to initially make out two legs spread wide was laughter. It was like his son was flaunting his equipment, and that amused him. At the same time, it was upsetting. At the top was a date. The image had been taken months ago. Months.
Sighing, he propped the picture up on the end table against the lamp. Opening the notebook, he touched the page and flipped through the rest. Each was a different letter addressed to him and dated. He went back to the first, reading each word with Eden’s voice in mind.
Donovan,
Chloe gave me this notebook since I’m not talking. She thinks my problem is that I keep things in my head, and voicing them would free me of it. She told me to write what was on my mind and she won’t be surprised it’s you. Because I haven’t spoken since I saw you three days ago, Chloe also thinks you may be one of my triggers. You’re not. I’ve been crying and not wanting to talk because I know it won’t change anything. As I write this, I’m still thinking about how badly I wish I could snap my fingers and be better for you. I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Maybe that’s why this hurts so badly. I want to be everything for you but not be me if that makes sense. I know what you deserve, and I want to do my best to fit that mold or pretend I do. Things that don’t fit never last long. I can’t accept the idea of someone else being a better fit for you. At the same time, I feel you deserve better than me. This fucked up war goes on in my head frequently. It’s a fight between two parts of me, and I don’t know which one is real or winning.
The only thing that helps is retreating. There’s a place I go to in my mind where things are perfect. My family doesn’t exist there, nor the things they put me through—just us. You smile at me constantly and wash my hair. You lay on my chest while I tell you what’s in my heart because I know you’ll always be there. The other day I was reminded that the real world exists. So does pain. In the real world, you deserve better than me.
I hate this world and that I can’t be with you.
Donny trailed his fingers along the edge of the page, rereading one particular part. His mind went back to the pills, and he had to compose himself. He hadn’t realized things were as bad as they were until he saw her with dark bags under her eyes and practically cowering in that hospital. More than wanting to take her home with him, Donny wanted to know what was going on in her head. This letter and those to come were just that. In a sense, he was reassured but not. She cared for him but hadn’t mentioned the baby once. That was indicative of her detachment and termination consideration. Yet, she was still pregnant.
He glanced at the time on his phone and made himself comfortable, fighting the urge to skip ahead. The letters proceeding the first consisted of small changes. With the fifth was another picture, taped to the page. This time, Donny could see the baby’s profile clearly and caught himself smiling. He hadn’t felt happiness like that since Eden called him from the hospital. Even then, the feeling was unmatched.
Donovan,
This happened today. I told the nurse I didn’t want to hear or see anything, but I heard that weird-ass whooshing sound anyway and looked. I felt like my soul left my body for a second. Like I was watching someone else’s life. You can probably guess that I cried. That’s all I do now. At first, it was because I’m pregnant, and then it was because I’m REALLY pregnant.
When I was forced to think about the baby, it was only a thought. I could forget and move on. Now, I can’t think without seeing a head, a body, and legs. I think that’s your nose and damn if that didn’t make me cry more. It’s strange. Before this picture, I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t want to hear anything baby related. After, I see my stomach growing, feel these weird pops, and can’t get that sound out of my head.
Chloe keeps asking what I’m going to do. I still don’t have an answer. I think I’ve seen and heard too much to abort. I really think that’s your nose. My sick brain convinces me this baby is like your clone, growing inside me, and making this decision so much harder.
I want you to be a dad. This baby would love you, but how would they feel about me? The mom that’s everything but a mom, like mine.
He moved on, reading until he fell asleep. Rising before the sun per usua
l, Donny skipped his workout and headed to the office with the notebook tucked under his arm. Until the building was buzzing with life, he dove deeper into the letters, noticing Eden’s interest in the baby growing with each. Then, there were two pictures. The 3D images of a face mirroring his own provoked a smile. The lips didn’t look like Eden’s, now. The boy was all his. Stains on the page were from tears. He touched them, wishing he’d been there to comfort her.
Donovan,
I saw the baby again today. I’m pretty sure the nurse is sick of me. She was smiling as the baby sucked his thumb. I burst into tears. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I let it go this far. I’ve always been so good at not getting anyone else tangled up in my mess. Yet here I am, bringing an innocent child into said mess.
I went to Chloe on my own after the appointment. She stayed late to let me talk, and I’m thankful for it. I’m beginning to feel things for the baby. Like I want to try. Not just because he deserves a fair chance. But because I don’t want him to end up like me. Chloe said this is good progress. She wants me to start embracing this pregnancy to form a bond.
My homework is to write down names. Instead, I’m writing this. I’ve noticed that I exchange one vice for another. Sex, you, writing to you... It’s just a matter of time before the baby becomes my addiction. Honestly, I’m hoping for it. I hate that I’m not wowed by the kicks or as excited as most would be. I hate that I don’t feel like he’s mine. Just yours. I read that babies can feel what the mother feels. That worries me. I don’t want this baby to feel unwanted. If you knew he was still here, you’d want him. So would your family. I wish he could feel that.
I miss you so much, and wish I was well enough to see you. I wish you could be here to show me how to do this.