by Eden Fortae
Donny became so invested in the journal he barely got any work done and ignored all calls that weren’t urgent. He only stopped reading long enough to grab dinner and get home. There, he settled in with what felt like his old talks with the woman he loved but more candid and heartfelt. It took three days to get to the end. The final letter was dated the day before she showed up. The difference between it and the first was astonishing.
Donovan,
I’m leaving today. It’s a scary idea, but I’m ready. I have hopes now, and I feel excitement. Chloe said she can still see me for outpatient sessions. With that, I’m confident in my decision to face the world outside of these walls. I can’t lie. I’m nervous. There are things I still need to work on. Things I’ll never be able to control, but it’s okay. What doesn’t grow doesn’t live. I get that now.
I was advised to wait until I’m ready to see anyone, but I’m not sure I can after all this time. I feel like I’ve been selfish again. I want to feel like I did the right thing these past few months by not forcing you to work overtime to fix me while preparing for a baby. Deep down, I know I robbed you. I can’t take it back, but I can ensure you experience everything to come in these last weeks and going forward.
One of my hopes is for room to repair our friendship at least. Because of you, I was able to believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t give up, and I think I’ve found the light.
The way he felt before the journal and the way he felt after were like night and day. He loved her then and loved her still. The difference was the gravity of the situation. Instead of going to work, Donny went to the address written on the back of the journal. He sat outside the apartment building, thinking while gazing at the most recent ultrasound image. After a few minutes, he tucked it into his wallet and went inside. Before he could knock, Eden opened the door. Not as resentful or angry, old feelings hit him square in the face. His heart was still in her hands and now, growing in her womb.
THIRTY-SIX
“You were expecting me?” There was a bitter edge to the question. She knew he’d come running like a lovesick puppy. He always did. Either Eden hadn’t noticed, or she chose to ignore it.
“I was in the window. It’s kind of my thing, now.” She led him to the lone sofa positioned on the other side of a wooden coffee table with a mismatched armchair beside it. Apart from a few bags and boxes, the place was relatively empty. “Excuse my lack of furniture. Priorities.”
“Priorities?”
“Somewhere to sit, eat, and sleep. Everything else can come later.”
Donny gazed around the room, counting things, taking inventory. Anything to distract him from the magnetic pull and what felt like instant irritation. His cold, hardened exterior helped him deal. It all but softened. Days ago, he saw her and honestly questioned if there was anything beyond attraction left. Being in front of her after reading the journal, there was no doubt.
“Can I get you anything?” She smiled, nervously playing with her fingers.
“I’m good.”
She nodded and slowly sank into the armchair. Donny was drawn to her stomach, practically sitting in her lap, stretching her shirt. The fact that he wasn’t able to see her grow to that point revived the resentment. At his sides, his hands flexed.
“You can have a seat, Donovan. Unless you didn’t plan to stay long.”
He claimed the end of the sofa furthest away. On the way in, he caught a whiff of the shampoo that smelled exactly like the one still in his shower. That was too much. Being too close was impossible.
“I read the journal.”
“All of it?” She perked up a little. “At first, it was just an outlet. I wrote down what I wished I could talk to you about with no intention of you ever reading it. I decided you should, on a whim. You’d either hate me a lot more or a little less.”
“Why?”
She looked child-like, staring at him with wide eyes and frowning. “I know I hurt you, Donovan. I see that in the way you look at me and your tone. You don’t have to hold back. I’m stronger than I look.”
Her timid smile surprised him. Eden of the past would have given her limbs to avoid discussions about feelings. Here she was, trying to open that door.
“I didn’t come here for that,” the words were icy, even to him. “Tell me about the baby.” Her eyes widened again. He caught her lower lip quivering. “Is everything ok? What do you want to do? You need anything?”
She nodded first, wringing her hands more, “He’s fine. Heavy but fine,” she chuckled, “I’d like for you to be at the rest of my appointments. I’m switching to Kya’s OBGYN tomorrow. After birth, you can see him when you want. I’m still struggling to bond, so he’ll need you. As far as needs, I don’t have furniture yet. The girls and your mom dropped off clothes but—”
“My mom?”
“Yeah. I met with everyone to explain and apologize.”
There was that resentment again. It felt like she was excluding him from things again, and it rubbed him wrong. “Why wasn’t I included in this apology?”
“Because you deserve more than that, Donovan.” She retorted and paused, her eyes filling with tears. “You can deny it or sit there like I would’ve when I was pretending I couldn’t feel, but I know you’re hurt. I saw it in your eyes the other day, and I see it every time you look at my stomach. I’m sorry, isn’t enough. After everything you’ve done and how you loved me, an apology won’t make you feel better, I know. You wanted to be with me, help, and experience this pregnancy, but the truth is, had I not kept you away, I’d still be holding a mask in front of my face instead of trying to heal. I really am sorry, Donovan. That’s why I don’t blame you for anything you feel. I just want you to be honest about it so that we can move forward.”
Eden’s emotions were on full display. Sorrow and remorse laced her words. When she finished speaking, she didn’t get up or attempt to walk away. Donny was stunned. On the surface, he was trying to remain steady, and she was unraveling him.
“I understand.”
“Do you?”
He nodded, rubbing his beard casually, “You had to do what was best for you. I’m not mad at that.”
“Then why are you so cold?”
“Because I love the fuck out of you, and I can’t lead with love knowing how easily I could lose you.” He snapped. “I’m proud of you for realizing you needed help and going for it. I’ll never fault you for finally doing what’s right for you. It’s just,” he trailed off in search of the right words. “I love you enough to want the best for you, too. I want our friendship, but I’m not sure that’ll be enough or if my want for more will hinder your progress. Whether you’re here with our son or on the moon, I’m going to make sure you want for nothing.”
The last part seemed to strike her. She visibly flinched and took a shaky breath. “What are you saying?”
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “I won’t try to stop you if you need to leave again. I will always have your back, though.”
Eden’s face fell, she choked on a sob, and her breathing had become labored. “I’m not going to take him away from you, Donovan. I don’t want to be away from you either because I—” she stumbled, trying to catch her breath. “I haven’t said it, but I feel it. You know I feel it. I don’t want to say that word and lose you. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Eden,” he slid across the sofa, taking her hands into his. She was so distraught. She kept talking as if she couldn’t hear him. Guilt held his heart in a death grip. Her tears were killing him. She wouldn’t look his way. Her eyes were on the floor, her hands loosely within his. Touching had the effect he knew it would. Before he realized it, he was standing with her in his arms, kissing the top of her head. His protective shield was shot to hell, and he felt like shit. Making matters worse, her stomach rubbed against him, the harder she cried.
Without thinking, his hands move from her back to cup her cheeks. As he wiped her tears, she looked up at him, bu
lldozing the rest of his defenses.
“I’ll show you. I promise.”
Not knowing what to say, Donny pressed his lips to her forehead. He wanted her to focus on her mental health. That took precedence over everything else. However, her declaration incited hope. He wanted her to win. He wanted them to make it.
THIRTY-SEVEN
An unexpected work emergency pulled Donny away from the doctor’s appointment. Whatever it was consumed most of his day. Although disappointed he’d missed the chance to hear the baby’s heartbeat for himself, Eden tried to remain positive. By all accounts, the baby could come any day. Weighing the two, hearing the heartbeat, and holding the baby, the latter would make Donny happier without a doubt. Still, she wanted him to experience a part of the pregnancy before it was over. It mattered to him. He mattered to her.
After meeting up with Kya for lunch, Eden went baby shopping with Hae and Karrina. They took turns, holding up tiny shoes and shirts with cute phrases on them while Eden stood back and watched. Their excitement was contagious, yet the reality was hard-hitting. When she felt the onset of negativity pushing its way into her thoughts, Eden turned her back to the women and placed her hand on her stomach. Pressing lightly at the top, the baby shifted. Despite her struggles to form a bond, she found comfort in his movement. Upon opening her eyes, they landed on a framed poster. With it came an idea and a much-needed smile.
They made one more stop from the store then Eden found herself at Hae and Fredo’s home. Hae shared all the baby information she picked up before discovering her infertility. Together, they washed the baby’s clothes and folded what hadn’t been put on a hanger. Between cooking and flirting with his wife, Fredo pulled out an old photo album. Their love was evident before Donny’s arrival. After, it was more apparent. Their smiles were brighter with him. Quickly, Eden noticed there were no pictures of him before he was school age. The reason was upsetting and relatable. Any baby pictures of her were probably tossed out the day her father died. At the thought, she touched her stomach once again.
Donny showed up as his father finished cooking. He grimaced at the photo album and kept his distance. He was quiet for the most part and only smiled when his mother excitedly showed him the I love Grandma & Grandpa shirts she bought and when his father mentioned a treehouse. He had very few words for Eden. There was no surprise there. He was wearing a thick coat of armor, but the conflict and unspoken words were in his eyes. The tables had turned drastically. He cared but wasn’t sure if he could or should trust his feelings. Knowing that feeling too well kept her quiet until the drive home.
“Everything ok at work?”
He took his eyes off the road long enough for a glance. “I had to let someone go.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Everything good with you?” He looked at her stomach this time. “I’m sorry I missed the appointment. I won’t miss the birth. You have my word.”
“If something came up and you couldn’t be there, I’d understand and wouldn’t be upset.”
“I’d be upset,” he retorted. “When Cj was born, all Chris had to do was talk, and he’d stop crying. We clowned him for always touching Rina’s belly, but I think it made a difference. They’re inseparable.”
The longing in his voice crept under her skin. She let the conversation end there. When they arrived at her apartment, Eden remained silent as he walked her inside. At the door, he stared as if the desire for more time together was mutual. Instead, he kissed her cheek and left. Eden all but ran to the window to watch him. Just as he was getting in his truck, he looked up at her and waved with a sad smile.
It seemed like a good idea until Donny was at her door. More surprising than her sudden case of jitters was the big boxes that came with him. Something as simple as the father of her child assembling baby furniture well into the night turned out to be a sight Eden couldn’t look away from.
Once the crib was together, he went to work on a dresser and matching changing table. If that wasn’t enough, he sorted the bags of freshly washed clothes and began putting them away. His smile was distracting and beautiful, with a hint of sadness.
Wanting to restore his happiness, Eden went through with her plan. She backed away from the door, slipped into her bedroom to retrieve the two boxes in her closet, and took them to the living room.
It seemed like forever before he came out of the baby’s room with his keys in his hand. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m going to head out so you can rest. You need anything?”
“No. Thank you. I have something for you if you don’t mind staying a little longer,” she motioned for him to sit. Donny’s brows rose as he stepped closer and hesitantly claimed the armchair. After that moment of closeness was obvious avoidance.
“I had this elaborate speech in my head and saw this going a completely different way. Now that I’m in front of you, I feel like a girl in front of her crush.” Nervously, she tucked her hair behind her ear and stepped toward him. Cool and calm, Donny’s watchful gaze remained on her until she was standing directly in front of him. Eden held out her hand and smiled as he took hold of it. Slowly, she raised her shirt. His eyes immediately fell to her stomach. The tension between his brows released, his expression was unreadable.
Eden placed his hand on the side and bit back a smile as he raised the other. Lightly applying pressure to his hand, the baby moved. His eyes widened and shot up to hers. With it, the biggest smile she’d ever seen. Eden pulled her hand away, going for the smallest of the boxes. Again, there was reluctance, but he accepted it and opened it wordlessly. Upon seeing the stethoscope inside, Donny pulled his lips inward and looked at her.
“It seems silly considering I have a doctor’s appointment next week, but I didn’t want to risk going into labor before you had the chance.” Grabbing the other box, she damned near thrust it into his hands. “But just in case I did.”
Donny shook his head, opening the second box. He pulled the light blue stuffed animal out and laughed. “A baby dragon?”
“You could say that. I went back and had his heartbeat recorded on my phone. I was able to get it transferred to a recorder type thing at this shop in Manhattan. I performed a little surgery on the dragon, and there you have it.”
He stared at her with a small smile. Setting the dragon down behind him, Donny took out the stethoscope. She could tell the moment he heard the baby by the way he beamed. He touched her belly freely and without the stiffness like before.
“Hi, son,” he whispered when the baby moved. She’d hoped this gesture would make him happy, never once considering her own reaction. She’d forgotten how good his touch felt and had to remind herself this moment was for them. Yet, when he leaned forward and kissed her stomach, Eden felt her blood warm. The attack and therapy taught her to view sex differently. For a while, the idea of sexual contact hadn’t crossed her mind. With that kiss, there were memories and emotions. Not because there were lips against her flesh, but who’d done it.
Unable to stop herself, Eden’s eyes glossed over. Her hand covered his, and he laced their fingers. Intentional or not, he brought her in his moment. Blinking away her tears were pointless. Denying that her hopes now included the three of them together, just the same.
THIRTY-EIGHT
Amara and Wylie came running the moment he walked in. Still a little unsteady, she looked like she was marching. Laughing, she crashed into his leg. Kya followed, shaking her head as her daughter immediately buried her face in his neck when he picked her up.
“I hate that she doesn’t hug me like that.”
“My Snuggles knows who’ll give her whatever she wants. This is how she keeps us in her pocket.”
“Huh. Something else she gets from Tony.”
“We’re just going to act like you don’t know how to use food to get the men in this family to go to war for you?”
“Touché,” she smiled but quickly sobered. “You understand why I kept Edy’s whereabouts a secret, right?”
> Donny nodded, letting Amara down, “Same reason I did, I’m guessing.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry if that hurt you. Edy sounded so broken when she called. I wasn’t able to be there for her before. This time I could. If you accept my apology and promise not to hate me, I’ll cook for you wherever you want.”
His eyes narrowed, “Didn’t we just discuss this? You know damn well I won’t turn down food.”
Looking like Amara, Kya grinned and hugged him. “Thank you. Not having you around has been tough. I had to argue with Rina in your place to make things feel normal. She was burning my ass up. Our friendship was in trouble a time or two.”
Donny chuckled, hugging her tighter. “I’ll teach you my tricks just in case there’s a next time.”
“I was about to threaten you for even speaking that into existence. I’ll let you live for now.”
“Yes, Tonito.”
When she pulled away and swatted his arm, some of the tension in his shoulders dropped off. Honestly, he hadn’t realized it was there. Being away from everyone but his parents since Eden’s return had more to do with him than them.
He made it as far as the living room before Amara rushed him again with one of her dolls. “Be-be,” she held it to him. He heard her clearly and grinned.
“I can hold your baby? Thanks, Snuggles.”
“Thanks,” she replied.
“No, Mara, say, you’re welcome.”
“Thanks,” she replied again, turning her back to Kya.
Donny bit back a smile, and Kya rolled her eyes. “She’s moving in with you tonight since you think she’s so funny.”
“You’ll miss her within two days.”
“You confuse me with her father. I’m surprised he hasn’t come for her yet. Watch this.” Kya picked up the remote and changed the channel. Amara pointed to the screen and whined for literally five seconds, then threw her head back and started crying. Antonio emerged from another part of the house and picked her up. Amara pointed to the TV again while whining. Without hesitation, Antonio took the remote from Kya and changed the channel to cartoons.