The Perks of Kissing You (Perks Book 3)

by Stephanie Street

  Love?

  Who said anything about love?

  Panic filled my chest threatening to choke me.

  I mean, sure I loved Bailey. Of course, I did. But I wasn’t in love with her. Was I?

  “I’ve never even thought about her like that.”

  “Bullshit.” Dallin wasn’t having it. “Maybe you didn’t used to think about her like that, but you can’t tell me you risked the friendship you two have for a one and done.”

  Heat raced up my neck. “More like ten and done.”

  Dallin’s eyes widened. “You’re shitting me.”

  I let my head fall into my hands. “I wish. I can’t believe you and Bailey kissed.”

  Dallin reached out and slapped my shoulder. “Don’t be such a hypocrite.”

  Before I could think better of it, I confessed the worse sin. “I made out with Elise this weekend.”

  I didn’t see the blow coming this time, although I should have.

  “Shit!” I covered my throbbing eye with my hand.

  Dallin stood above me, rage apparent on his face. “What the hell, man?”

  He didn’t have to say anything else. I knew he was mad. I knew I’d put our friendship on the line just as I had with Bailey. Nothing either of us said was going to fix it. And it was my fault.

  Without a word, Dallin collected his bag and headed for the exit. Bailey wouldn’t be waiting for him, she had a cross country meet.

  I looked up, calling out to him just before he was out of earshot. “How come you get to still be just friends even though you kissed her?” Why did they get to go back to the way things were before kissing?

  Dallin paused, his look saying he thought I was being dense. Maybe I was, but it wasn’t on purpose.

  “Because we didn’t really mean it,” he responded to the sound of the door slamming shut behind him.

  I thought about that. Maybe he was right. It was like all the girls I kissed over the summer. I could be friends with any of them. I was friends with most of them. I was able to keep being friends with them even though we kissed. I didn’t think I could do that with Bailey. Mostly, because I still wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her all the time. Dallin was right, when I kissed Bailey, I meant it.

  When did my life become such a mess?

  “Hey, there.”

  I stopped after exiting the locker room to see Allie leaning against the wall like she’d been waiting for me. I supposed she heard the altercation between Dallin and I. The training room was right next door and any sound in the locker room seemed amplified.

  “Hi, Allie.” I gave her a tight smile.

  “I didn’t hear everything.”

  I had to laugh. I probably should have been embarrassed that she’d heard our argument, but I wasn’t. Allie was a good friend.

  “It’s okay. We weren’t being quiet.”

  I could tell she wanted to talk to me about it, had something to say.

  “It’s okay, Allie. Lay it on me. I can take it.”

  She giggled.

  “Come on, you can walk me to my car.” She tilted her head in the direction of the student parking lot.

  “Sure.” We headed toward her car. Allie didn’t say anything, but for some reason, I felt like I could talk to her and found myself blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

  “Bailey’s my best friend,” I offered and Allie just listened. I couldn’t help but see a few similarities between Allie’s relationship with Connor and mine with Bailey. Allie and Connor had been friends for years before they finally realized they were in love. Connor had been quite the player himself before settling down with Allie and the two were going strong even now, almost a year later.

  “How did you get past the fear of losing your friendship with Connor?” I asked before I could change my mind.

  Allie stopped. We’d reached her car. She dropped her backpack to the asphalt and faced me. A series of emotions crossed her face and I wondered if she was remembering the night of the Homecoming Dance last year when I helped her run away from Connor because she saw him kissing Kayla, the she-witch. I’d been there for her that night and I was kind of hoping she’d tell me what I needed to know now.

  “I didn’t. I’m still not.” I knew she was telling the truth, the pain of her confession resonated in her eyes. “The ball could drop any second, you know. Connor’s at State with thousands of college girls ready to fall at his feet. I see them every time I visit.” Allie cleared her throat and gave me a soft smile. It was difficult for her to admit. “I just have to trust him. Trust our love. And our friendship. Losing Connor would kill me, but at this point, never having had him would be way worse. I could never have survived not trying, knowing I’d been too afraid to tell him how I feel.” Her smile grew. “Eventually. It took me awhile to get there.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. I got it. I really did. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to be where Allie was. “Thanks, Allie.”

  “Anytime, friend.” She reached for her backpack and opened her car door to fling it across to the passenger seat while I headed across the lot to where my own car was parked.

  “Hey, Jamie,” Allie called just before I was too far away to hear. I turned to see her jogging toward me.

  “What’s up?”

  Her cheeks were flushed and when she reached me, I could tell she was struggling with what she wanted to say.

  “I just- you were there for me when I needed you and you said something the night of the dance that helped me more than you know.” I tried to remember our conversation that night, but had no idea what she was talking about. “You said, ‘Allie if there was a girl in this world that looked at me the way you look at Connor, I’d never let anything stand in my way’. Just- just, maybe that is girl out there and you aren’t giving her a chance. That’s all.”

  I stood there without moving as Allie hugged me around my middle and then turned to jog back to her car.

  Chapter 21

  Jamie

  I had two black eyes. I deserved them, but that didn’t mean I wanted to talk about them. I avoided my mother Thursday evening and sent her a text on Friday telling her I was hanging out with friends before heading to the home game.

  Coach gave me the evil eye at school on Friday during weight lifting but didn’t ask any questions. I had a feeling he’d heard most of the conversation, if you could call it that, between Dallin and I in the locker room the day before. He probably thought I deserved to get punched by my best friend, too.

  The enormity of the situation with Bailey didn’t really hit me until after the game on Friday. Our fourth win in a row and my own personal best on the field. There were college scouts in the stands, but no Bailey.

  No Bailey.

  It was a wonder I played as well as I did considering how distracted I was. I spent as much time searching the stands for a familiar head of flaming red hair as I did playing. I couldn’t remember a single thing in my life I’d ever done that was even remotely important to me that Bailey hadn’t shown up for if it was in her power to do so.

  And maybe that was the problem.

  Ha.

  There was no maybe about it.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about what Allie said to me, about a girl who looked at me the way Allie looked at Connor. For years and years, Bailey has been showing me how she felt and I’ve just been too stupid to get it.

  I begged off the party after the game, opting instead to sit in my car in my own driveway and stare up at her dark window. For almost an hour, I sat in the cold and went over in my mind all the years of friendship I’d had with the girl next door while shame burned in my gut.

  Bailey had shown me love and friendship, but what had I ever shown her? Disregard? Disregard and then because she finally had the guts to challenge me to admit the possibility of having feelings for her, I kissed her. I hadn’t meant to toy with her emotions. I hadn’t meant to hurt her. And the last thing I wanted was to lose her.

  But could I let myself fal
l for her? It was probably too late to do anything about that, so the real question was- was I going to do anything about it?

  That question kept me from moving from the front seat of my car. It was the thing that kept me from sneaking up to her room again, not that I’d even be welcome. Not after last time.

  By the time I finally made it into the house, my fingers were numb with cold and I was exhausted. The game had done a number on my body and all I wanted was sleep. And maybe a protein bar, which was why I went upstairs.

  Her quiet gasp was my first clue I wasn’t alone in the kitchen.

  “Jamie! What happened?” Mom wheeled her chair closer to me, her face a mask of alarm and concern.

  With a sigh, I went ahead and grabbed a water from the fridge before facing her fully. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

  I towered over her seated body by about three and a half feet, but the look on her face was terrifying enough to make me quake.

  “Lean closer.”

  I could have said ‘no’. I could have turned around and run away from her. But when she first came home from the rehab facility after her accident, my dad sat me down and discussed the importance of respecting her disability. For me that meant never taking advantage of the fact that I still had legs and could run away from her, even when I was in trouble. Especially when I was in trouble.

  So, I did as she asked even though I sure didn’t want to.

  “Dallin?” Her piercing blue eyes that matched my own never wavered as her fingers traced lightly over the deep purple marks under each eye.

  I nodded.

  She sighed, removing her hand from my face as she sat back. I took that as permission to rise and sat at the table we never used. After a moment, she rolled her chair into the empty space beside me.

  “We’ll get back to that, but first, I think we need to discuss this.” She slid a piece of paper onto the table between us.

  “Ooh, shit.” The word slipped slowly passed my lips.

  “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out, James?” Her voice was firm but without a trace of anger. Instead, she was hurt. It seemed I was destined to crush every female in my life I cared about this week.

  With my head in my hands, I inhaled a deep breath before answering. “More like hoped.” Why lie at this point? The damage was done.

  Mom sputtered. “Jamie-” her voice broke.

  We sat in silence for a few moments. I took the time to look a little closer at the article she’d printed from the internet. I guess I should have remembered the newsletters the school sent in an email to all the parents. There I was, front and center, a photo of me from the first game as well as my stats and other information from the first three games. It must have come this week. I wondered how long she’s known. Chances were I hadn’t fooled her at all.

  “How long have you known?”

  “Since I got online to see the results of your first cross country meet.”

  She didn’t have to say it- since she’d looked and realized her only child had lied to her about competing in a meet on a team he didn’t belong to anymore.

  I really did suck. I was surprised, too. I had no idea she kept tabs on my meets beyond the questions she asked me.

  “I’m sorry.” What more was there to say?

  “Sorry for what, Jamie? Lying? Going behind my back to do something you knew I wouldn’t approve of? Playing a game that could injure you for the rest of your life?” She probably could have kept going, but the sobs interrupted her.

  I sighed. “All of it. Except the playing part. I don’t regret that one bit.”

  She squeaked as though she couldn’t believe what I’d just said. “Jamie-”

  “Mom, I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to do this.” I pointed to the article. I knew the stats the article quoted. “I’m good. Really good. Coach Reno thinks I can play next year.”

  Mom’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before any sound came out. “Next year?”

  I nodded. “Yes. College ball. I have a shot, Mom.”

  She shook her head as her eyes filled with tears. “No. You can’t do it. I forbid you.”

  My heart cracked open at the hurt I knew I was going to continue to inflict on her. The muscles in my jaw worked before I managed to respond. “If I get an offer, I’m going to take it.”

  I took her frail hand in mine. It still amazed me sometimes, that I’d grown so much bigger than her. The strength in my grasp contrasted startlingly from hers and I felt the weight of my responsibility as her son, the responsibility my father had impressed upon me every time he left me home with her.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks. “You could get hurt. Your Uncle Tim-” she shook her head.

  I knew the story. Tragedy hadn’t just hit my immediate family. My mom’s brother Tim had suffered multiple concussions playing football in high school and college. On top of that, he’d torn every ligament in his knee and struggled to walk without a limp. At least he could walk.

  “I know. I do. But, Mom, I can’t live in fear. There are no guarantees. I have to live my own story.”

  She was processing. I waited, anxious to for her to understand where I was coming from. After a few long moments, she finally spoke.

  “I can’t approve, Jamie. But, you are right. You have to live your own life. I won’t try to stop you, but,” her voice trailed off. It was okay. It was enough.

  I leaned forward to kiss her cheek. “I promise I’ll be careful.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, James.”

  Well, fair enough, I supposed. I nodded my agreement. All in all, that conversation went better than expected.

  “Now, tell me what happened between you and Dallin.” Her tone told me she’d not stand for a brush off, which was what I wanted to do.

  “We got into an argument.”

  “I suspected,” she said dryly. “What was this argument about?”

  I braced myself for what was coming once she was able to drag the whole story out of me. “Bailey.”

  “Bailey?” Mom’s brow scrunched briefly and then cleared as her eyes narrowed on me. “What did you do to her?”

  “Ugh,” I groaned, dropping my forehead to the table.

  Mom smacked the back of my head. “James Daniel Barnes, you better answer me, or so help me-”

  “I kissed her,” I blurted into the wood surface.

  “You did what?” For the first time that night, her voice had a smile in it. I hated to burst her bubble.

  I lifted my head. “I kissed her. A lot.”

  “You did? When?”

  I gave her a look.

  “Right. I don’t really want to know.” She waved a hand in the air. I knew the author part of her did want to know details, probably the mom part, too, but I wasn’t about to divulge any more than I had to. “But why did you kissing Bailey make Dallin do that?” She pointed to my face, then her eyes widened with a thought. “He doesn’t like her, too, does he?”

  “What? No, Mom. Ugh.” I groaned again. How much could one guy take in a single night?

  “So, he found out you kissed Bailey. But he doesn’t like Bailey. And he punched you because-” she paused expectantly.

  “Because Bailey’s mad at me.” That was true, minus a lot of details. Details I’d rather not share with my mother.

  Mom’s eyes narrowed. “And Bailey’s mad at you why?” Again, with the expectant pause. But this question I didn’t want to answer.

  “Because I suck.” At least that was the truth.

  Mom sat back in her chair and folded her arms over her chest. “Jamie, you better tell me what’s going on or you’re in big trouble, mister. Bailey has been your best friend forever. If you’ve done something to make her mad or hurt her feelings, you need to fix it. Apologize. Grovel. Whatever it takes.”

  I looked up at her miserably. “I’m not sure that’s going to work.”

  Faster than I was expecting, she reached out and slapped my forearm. “Ow.” I rubbed
at the spot. Dang. That stung.

  “What do you mean? What did you do exactly?”

  “Mom, I so do not want to talk about his with you.” Mostly, because I knew in the end I’d end up feeling like a bigger piece of shit than I already did.

  “I really don’t care. Now, spill.”

  So, I did. I told her everything from the moment Bailey mentioned the fact that I’d never kissed her up through last weekend when I kissed Elise and down to last night when Dallin kicked my ass. The only thing I left out was the specific details of our make out sessions. Those were between me and Bailey.

  “And she didn’t go to my game tonight,” I concluded pitifully.

  “Well, of course, she didn’t, you idiot boy.”

  I sagged against the table again. “I know. I know.”

  “Jamie,” she began, her fingers reaching up to ruffle my hair. Maybe I did have a hair fetish. And maybe I inherited it from her. “Honey, I’ve been watching the two of you together for most of your lives. Why are you trying to hide from your feelings for Bailey?”

  She didn’t ask if I did have feelings for Bailey. That was the cool thing about mom’s, a lot of times they knew you better than you knew yourself. It was also a really uncool thing about mom’s.

  I shrugged under her hand, not wanting to admit to anything one way or the other.

  “Hey.” She jostled my shoulder, forcing me to meet her gaze. “Come on. What’s this really about?”

  Chapter 22

  Jamie

  I stared into her eyes. They were as familiar to me as my own. My mother. She hadn’t always been the hermit she was now, and I missed the old her. I missed the old us, the us we were before my dad died. I missed my dad. Some days, I could pretend. I could go to school and pretend he was just at work or on a business trip. That never lasted long. And her crying jag the other night was one of the reasons why. That and the fact that he was never coming back.

  “I miss him, too.” I hadn’t meant to say it, but once I did, I was glad it was out there.

  Mom frowned, probably confused as to how we’d gone from discussing Bailey to my confession about missing my dad.