Between the Cracks She Fell

by Lisa de Nikolits

  Here’s the phone, he said. Keep it turned on at all times. Tell me again, which laundromat are you meeting him at?

  I told him. Come on, I said. Let’s be on our way.

  Such a hurry, Em grumbled. I am sure you are both over-reacting about Rob. Anyone with a house like this must be a real gentleman.

  Does my face look like an over-reaction to you? Ashley was quick to ask her. Their bonhomie from the previous night had vanished, replaced by a biting animosity, and I couldn’t be bothered to ask them to stop their bickering.

  Ash, what if the cleaners tell Rob we were here? I asked.

  He smiled at me. Don’t worry. They don’t speak a lot of English and there are always different people, so I doubt it’s a problem.

  We drove to Em’s car where Ash dropped us off. He told me he’d phone me later and then went back to the house.

  Em and I got bad coffees from the convenience store and headed down to the beach. The sun had risen and was trying to burn off a thick fog and the light was delicate and pure.

  We were both quiet, watching the early morning dog walkers and joggers on the boardwalk.

  Em sighed. I’m sorry Joss, she said, hugging her arms to her chest. About last night, I mean. I know I behaved like a magpie on amphetamines. All I could see was the shiny stuff I’ve always wanted, and I lost my mind. I am sorry. No wonder Ashley doesn’t like me. He probably can’t understand why you’re my friend at all.

  I moved closer to her and hugged her. I was glad she had apologized, the evening had shaken my faith in her.

  It’s fine, I said. Really it is. I understand.

  All I want, she said, and tears fell down her face, is a perfect home like that. That’s all I want. Something classy and full of high-end stuff. And I could sit in the middle of it, sit on my three-inch-pile carpet, and be safe from the world. That’s all I want, to be safe and clean. My whole life has been filled with dirty, broken, second-hand stuff and it kills me.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  And don’t think I don’t appreciate this, I really do, about Sammy, she continued. Samson is the love of my life. Nothing matters except him. I am sorry you have to deal with Lenny. And I promise, I’ll pay you back the money, every cent.

  It’s not my money, I was quick to point out, so don’t worry. It’s drug money that Lenny scored, so it’s hardly mine. And I know how much you love Sam. Try not to worry. I will just be happy when it’s done. I just want to get back to my room and be by myself for a bit once this is all over. If you don’t mind my saying so. I need a bit of me-time.

  Em shivered. I still don’t know how you can stay there with that girl, she said. I could never stomach it.

  I realized I had not told Em or Ashley the news about Kitty’s burial, nor had I told her what Serena had said about her having to leave town.

  Em, I said cautiously, knowing this would not be well-received. You know supercop Serena? Well, she said something to me yesterday morning, a message that I was supposed to pass on to you, only you were so upset about Sam when we met, and anyway, it went straight out of my head….

  Emma turned to look at me. I was taken aback by the hardness in her face. Her pretty features suddenly seemed carved out of malice. Her jaw was set and her eyes were like black stones.

  Spit it out, she said, folding her arms.

  I sighed. She said she wants you and your dog and your stolen car out of town by Monday morning or she will lock you up.

  Em went white beneath the smattering of freckles on her upturned little nose. Monday morning. Where will I go? Just where the fuck will I go? What if Sam’s not alright to travel? That bitch. What if I refuse? It’s totally my right to be where I want to be. It’s not fair. Will you come with me, Joss?

  She said she’ll lock you up, and I think she will, I repeated. Seriously Em, she wasn’t joking. She said she wanted you gone by Friday, but I told her it wasn’t fair.

  You and Serena are good enough buddies to be brokering deals about how long I can be in town? Em’s tone was bitter. I’m the piece of trash who can be kicked out when you both decide?

  You know it’s not like that, I protested. I know you’re upset and I understand. But I can’t come with you. We can’t both live out of your car. But I can’t bear to think about not having you and Sam here.

  Em’s face was stony. She was picking at a cuticle with vicious intent, tugging at it with her teeth until she drew blood.

  I gave up trying to talk to her. I looked at my watch. It was time to get moving.

  I am going to walk up to the laundromat, I said. Are you going to stay here? Or do you want me to meet you back at the car?

  Em shrugged, silent.

  Oh, come on, Em. This isn’t my fault. Don’t take it out on me. Don’t you think I am going to miss you? Along with Ash, you’re my best friend.

  The mention of Ash’s name was a mistake.

  You won’t miss me. You’ve got the rich pretty boy, Em sneered and kicked the ground with her toe.

  I knew she didn’t mean to hurt me. She was frightened at the thought of Sam’s operation and about having to leave town, so I didn’t argue back. I just stood up.

  I am going now. I will meet you back here. And if you’re not here, I’ll try the car okay?

  Em shrugged.

  I walked off. Despite my understanding of why Em was behaving the way she was, I was still upset and hurt. I was going out of my way to help her, and all she did was shut me out and shut me down.

  It was like when we first met. I had tried so hard to talk to her all those times without any response. She had been like a brick wall. So why was I surprised by her reaction now?

  I got to the laundromat and tried to stop thinking about Em. I sat down and waited, facing the door. The place was deserted.

  I looked at my watch. It was just after nine-thirty. This was taking forever.

  39. THE SPOILS OF WAR

  I CROSSED MY LEGS AND SWUNG MY FOOT while I waited. Time, in that laundromat, did not seem to move. Time was a crawling snail, a snail in a coma, a snail on life-support. I toyed with all the snail of time ideas I could and then read all the instructions on the walls until Lenny finally sauntered in, half an hour late. He sat down next to me and stretched his legs out in front of him. Then he crossed his arms and looked at me sideways.

  It wasn’t easy you know, he said. Getting that much cash so quickly.

  I know, I said.

  What’s it for anyway? Emergency abortion?

  Sick dog, I sighed.

  Lenny was incredulous. All this over a fucking dog? Are you out of your mind? I could have killed you. For a dog? A fucking dog. He shook his head.

  A man’s best friend Lenny, I said. Haven’t you heard that?

  He snorted. No best friend in my world is worth two thousand cash.

  That, Lenny, I pointed out, is only one of the mistakes in your life. Anyway it’s nice chatting with you and all that, but can I have the money now?

  Just trying to understand what I am donating my money to. He dug into a low pocket in his jeans and flicked a wad of cash at me. Where’s my bracelet?

  I took the bracelet out of my purse and we made the exchange. I was about to get up to leave, but before I could move, he swung down off his chair and crouched at my feet, placing his hands on my knees.

  He must have had a shower just before he came because he smelled soapy and good. Without being able to stop myself, I let my knees part and there he was, his chest nearly on mine, his hands resting on my hips, his scraggly facial hair tickling my chin.

  You wanna tell me something, Little Miss Sunshine? What’s this thing between you and me?

  I’ve got no idea, I said tightly, but my groin was hot. I wanted to touch him, but I moved my hands under my thighs, leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.

 
You. Don’t. Know. He kissed my face lightly, little cat kisses. And I let him, Yes, I let him.

  I don’t know, Lenny, I whispered and it was true, I didn’t.

  Allelulia and Gibreel?

  I shook my head. I don’t know, I said again.

  He stopped giving me those little kisses, and my skin felt cold and lonely.

  Yeah, he said. Well, they couldn’t actually be together either. The whole thing was madness.

  Lenny, I asked, what happened with Kitty? I don’t understand. I wouldn’t have figured you for that.

  He looked down.

  It was so stupid, he said, after a moment. That’s the worst thing about it, it was just stupid.

  He looked up me, and there were tears in his eyes.

  We were all stoned and the whole party was out of control. I admit that. We took too much stuff, we drank too much. But it was all fine. We were just wasted and shouting and breaking stuff and throwing bricks, and it was all the usual stuff. And then Cupcake, that dog of hers, he started barking and he wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Yap, yap, yap. Driving me crazy. It’s all I could hear, over the music, the drugs, the crashing of stuff. All I could hear was yap, yap, yap.

  He rested his forehead on my chest, and I let him.

  I just wanted to shut him up, he said, and his voice was muffled. So I picked him up. Shut the fuck up, I told him. Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up. But the stupid dog, it just kept on, yap, yap, yap. So there was me, screaming at the dog, and the dog was yapping at me, and Kitty was hanging onto me, and I threw the dog. I threw it at the wall.

  Kitty went ballistic. She went and got Cupcake, and he was dead. I didn’t mean to throw him that hard, but he was dead, and she was screaming, and hitting and punching and kicking me, and I just wanted to make her stop, to get the fuck off of me. So I swiped at her, just one big swing of my arm and she went flying backwards onto the pile of bricks and she didn’t move. The weirdest thing was that she was still holding Cupcake. She was lying there on this pile of bricks, not moving, not breathing, holding her stupid fucking dead dog.

  But she was covered in bruises, I said. Her face was a mess. And she wasn’t on the bricks either. She was lying in the middle of the floor, on her back, and she was all twisted.

  Yeah, well that’s when it went from bad to ugly. Lenny looked up at me again. It’s like whatever we took that night were bad drugs because the rest of the gang, the girls too, started hitting and kicking her. It was like nothing I had ever seen. You talk about evil, you read about evil? I saw it. They kicked and punched and broke her.

  Why didn’t you stop them?

  He was silent. Then he said, I wanted to see how far they would go before they stopped themselves. Kitty was dead anyway. I wanted to see what they would do, how far they would take it. But then it looked like they’d never stop, so I made it stop.

  Then what happened?

  We dragged her to the middle of the floor like you said. Then we left and we all went home. Then that stupid fucker nailed the door shut, and there was no way we could get her out the next day. We couldn’t get her out the window either, so I had to wait for Morgan to get the tools from his uncle but his uncle was out of town. His uncle’s a trucker, and we had to wait for him to get back so Morgan could get into the garage to get the tools.

  We were both silent.

  I didn’t mean for it to happen, he said.

  I wanted to say that his whole lifestyle made it happen, but there wasn’t any point.

  You going to tell on me now or what? he asked and I shook my head.

  That wasn’t our deal, I lied. I just want to get the money for my friend’s dog. What about Kitty’s family though?

  Bunch of drunks. They’ll think she just lit out on them. By the time they figure out she’s really missing, it’ll be too late for them to do anything.

  And what about you, Lenny? What will you do now?

  What do you mean?

  With your life. You’re wasting your life.

  That’s what you think, Allie. We are like exhausted warriors on a corpse-littered field, we totter and slash. Both are failing fast.

  He started stroking my arms, and he grinned. Tell you what, he said. Let’s go to BC. You and me. Get on a bus, or a train or whatever the fuck you want. We can take my van if you like. Go west. Start over.

  And live how? I was practical. What would we do?

  There’s always business, he said vaguely. I’ll take care of you. You can read books all day, and I’ll work, and then we’ll talk over candlelight dinners.

  Kraft dinners, I said. No thanks.

  His face turned cold. I’m not good enough for you?

  You’re too young for me, I said. But he shook his head.

  That’s not it, he said. You think you’re too good for me.

  His hand moved from my arm to my hair. For a moment I thought he was caressing me, but he caught my hair in a ponytail grip and he yanked my head, hard. I was twisted at a sharp angle and he had me pressed up against the wall.

  I should have tried to push him away or do something, but I didn’t do anything. I just stayed still, like I had forgotten how to move.

  He leaned in close and his sweet hash breath warmed my ear. I know where you live, he said, and he brushed his lips against my cheek. I know where to find you in the middle of the night.

  He said that, and I was drenched in ice cold sweat before I could even think about the meaning of his words. It was like my body heard him before my mind did, and I went from being just frightened to beyond terrified in the blink of an eye.

  You don’t know shit, I managed to say, but he tugged harder on my hair and then he bit my ear, just a nip really, a nip with those sharp sharklike teeth, a burning pinching nip that made a crunching sound like he had just stepped on a bug, I cried out, a mewling high-pitched noise that I did not recognize as my own.

  You really think I’m going to let you keep the money? he asked and he laughed.

  My toes were clenched in my sandals like a diver about to go off the edge of a cliff.

  What are you doing in here? a voice shouted. Lenny let go of my hair and we both turned to look at the doorway where a fat balding man in a stained T-shirt was standing.

  No sex in here, he shouted. Didn’t you see the sign? No loitering. Get out! Get out now.

  Lenny backed slowly away from me, shaking his head. You are one lucky bitch, he said. One lucky bitch.

  Get out! the owner shouted, both of you.

  Lenny held his hands in the air, and he sauntered out without looking at me again.

  You’re bleeding, the man observed. Your ear. Your ear is bleeding.

  I touched my ear and he was right, my fingers were covered in blood. I felt weak and dizzy and countless kinds of weird.

  It’s nothing, I managed to say. Sorry we troubled you. I’m glad you came in. I’ll go now.

  He looked at me and then he handed me an old-fashioned folded handkerchief.

  It’s clean, he said. Now get the fuck out of here.

  I stumbled out into the harsh sunshine and held the handkerchief to my ear. I leaned against the wall and looked to see if Lenny was anywhere around, but he had vanished.

  I closed my eyes and even then, the world whirled.

  The phone rang and I grabbed it, forgetting to let it do its three ring warning.

  So? Ashley sounded worried.

  I got the money, it’s all good, I said, but I could hear my voice was shaking. But Em’s pissed with me.

  I told him everything that had happened since he dropped us off.

  Joss, I know you don’t want to hear this but that girl’s a nasty piece of work. It will be better for all of us if she leaves. Serena obviously knows what she’s doing. What are you going to do now?

  I am going to the vet to give them the money
. Then I am going to find Em to tell her it’s taken care of. We only have to pick Sam up tomorrow night, so there’s a fair bit of time yet. What are you going to do today?

  I heard Ashley sigh. Rob’s set up a whole bunch of meetings for me with an interior decorator. He wants me to redo the basement and the sunroom. He also wants me to look at redoing the cottage and believe me, the cottage does not need redoing. It’s a total waste of time and money. Ash lowered his voice. You ever tell Emma this, and I will have to kill you myself, but Rob keeps half a million dollars in cash in the safe. Can you believe that? The man has more money than he knows what to do with.

  Half a million dollars in cash, get on with you! I was shocked into thinking about something other than the awfulness of what had just happened with Lenny. But Ash, that’s dangerous.

  Ashley laughed. Only if your relatives and loved ones are felons. You’ve been hanging around with Em too much. I am sorry I couldn’t give you the cash for Sam from there. But firstly, I didn’t want to say anything in front of Em and besides, I don’t know the combination, so I couldn’t touch the money even if I wanted to. But I wanted to tell you.

  Don’t feel bad, I said. It’s not your money to give and, more importantly, he’d kill you if you even tried. I’m glad you didn’t say anything. But you sound awfully busy. When will I be able to see you again?

  I could hear him thinking for a moment. I’ll tell the designer we have to go up to the cottage today, and that we’ll look at the basement and sunroom tomorrow. That way I’ll be back by eight or nine tonight. We can have a supper together when I get back. But we’ll have to get takeout and make sure we tidy it all up because there aren’t any cleaners tomorrow.

  Great. But Ash, the only thing is, I can’t leave Em tonight. I know what you say about her may be true but it would be too harsh for me to just abandon her when she’s alone without Sam.

  Ashley sighed. Yeah, I know, I know. Okay, we’ll have her over too, just this one last time. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for you guys to sleep over, I’ll have to drop you off, and like I say, we have to be very careful. I can’t get beaten up again.